if you are 35+, you have to go and actively search for it

[Eternal Sunshine]

Research has shown that if you are 35+ and want any shot in hell of finding someone, you have to go and actively search for it. "Love will come to you" approach only works in your 20s when a lot of people are single.

 

Most people that find someone for a LTR/marriage are not actually that in love. Most of my friends married men that were kind of OK and they grew some type of attachment over time but they openly admit that they were never able to get men they truly wanted. People are terrified of being alone so they lower their standards to find someone they can tolerate. I am missing the ability to be happy with that.

 

Many years ago, I snooped into an ex bf's email account. He wrote an email to his close friend describing our relationship (which I thought was reasonably happy until then). He wrote something along the lines of "ES has this problem of wanting some kind of "true love" and hoping we are it. She doesn't realize that I don't feel that way about her. Yet I can be perfectly content in staying with her long term. Even marrying her and having children. Finding "true love" is like winning the lottery, most of us don't find it." I was never happy with him after seeing that, and while I didn't immedietly break up, it was the beggining of the end for me. He married the next woman that came along after me. He had an active OLD profile (logged in at least once a day) up until the day of his wedding. His wife was probably never aware of it.

 

Few people that do marry for love are those that meet their partners early. Proabably around late teens/early 20s. The time when there is no pressure to couple up and there are plenty of options. As it gets to late 20s and above, there is less and less "true love" present. Most choices are pragmatic and made due to extrenal pressures to marry and have children.

[Leigh 87]

I hear you. I have always agreed with your opinion on this matter.

 

That's why I took a major chance and got back together with my boyfriend. We had the instant spark and true love connection (emotionally, mentally and physically and even spiritually).

 

He was an addict and relapsed with me. I left.

 

However, like you, I am totally realistic about my odds of finding true love, with the chemistry and " spark", coupled with enough compatability to actually last beyond the honeymoon.

 

 

 

 

Monogamy isn't natural even at the best of times when you do marry the love of your life.

 

Imagine trying to stay bound to a mediocre marriage that never felt passionate to begin with.

 

I had to ditch spending time with a married friend; he stays married for the kids (all 4 of them )

Edited March 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Most people that find someone for a LTR/marriage are not actually that in love. Most of my friends married men that were kind of OK and they grew some type of attachment over time but they openly admit that they were never able to get men they truly wanted. People are terrified of being alone so they lower their standards to find someone they can tolerate. I am missing the ability to be happy with that.

 

 

What would you care what other people do?

 

Saying other people settled is just a way of saying they are losers and you are the winner at life.

 

That's not a good way to look at life IMHO.

 

When you leave this Earth, you leave with nothing. Whether you 'settle' and marry Mr. Good Enough, or hold out another 5 years and meet Mr. Fantastic, nobody really cares except for you (and maybe your mother).

[Weezy1973]

Eternal Sunshine said:

Most people that find someone for a LTR/marriage are not actually that in love.

 

Just blatantly not true. Although [] the type of [] thinking that keeps you away from ever being in a happy healthy relationship.

 

As a scientist, you should suspect there is data on this - and there is. Most couples actually are in love. You can look it up!

Here..let me help you:

[]

Edited November 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Suggestion of mental illness redacted

[Robert]

moderator note: the previous 4 posts have been moved from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/614600-would-really-love-find-mr-right

 

~6

[BC1980]

I don't disagree with a lot of what you are saying ES. I turned 36 a few months ago, and I would have to actively get online to get a date. In college, it was so easy. Everyone is single at that point, and you are surrounded by people your own age all the time. I dated a guy for 2 years and then dated several men on and off. It was never difficult to find a date or, to be honest, to find a guy to have sex with if I wanted to.

 

I do think you can fall in love with someone though. It may not be as idyllic or innocent as your first love, but there is love after your 20s. But yeah, a lot of people stay in mediocre relationships for fear of being alone. My parents are an example of that. They are basically roommates, and that's not uncommon. People put up with a lot, so they don't have to be alone. I don't blame them though. Who wants to grow old alone? Not me.

 

I tend to think that by the time we get to our 30s and beyond, most of us have had our hearts shattered or experienced some other kind of traumatic life event then renders us, for lack of a better term, effed up. So I've noticed that it becomes more difficult to find people that are emotionally healthy. People that are actually fit to be in a relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

Most choices are pragmatic and made due to extrenal pressures to marry and have children.

 

But even if you do marry for love, how do you know there's not someone for which you might feel a higher sense of attachment? If there's a soulmate out there, is there also a soul(er)mate and a soul(est)mate? It can get a little crazy-making.

 

One of the best anniversary cards my wife ever gave me said "let's celebrate the day you stopped looking for someone better than me". Amen ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

What a hurtful thing to read, Eternal. I don't think everyone is capable of the same depth or type of love. A lot of husbands are always looking at other women and flirting with them at work, etc. It's like they're never satisified, always looking to see if they can do better.

 

But I disagree that everyone feels they have to be with someone. Some people do, but there are a lot of people fine on their own who would rather not be with someone than settle. I'm one of those. I think everyone should prepare to be on their own, and then if love comes into your life, it's a nice bonus.

[lucy_in_disguise]

What is your definition of live?

 

For most people, the concept of love changes with age. I don't think this is cynicism or exchanging something more for something less; I think it is a reflection of changing needs and a better understanding of reality.

 

Love in your teens may look like a long walk on the beach holding hands and discussing Salinger and your childhood fears and aspirations. By 35 you have other priorities. You may have less time for literature and childhood appears like a receding landscape in the rearview mirror.

 

If you played the last 20 years right, your life is fuller, and with the changes come different needs and expectations. Now love may look like someone who supports you in your career, makes you laugh, someone who would be a good father and you can rely on. On the outside this may not resemble a hipster rom com like your vision when you were 16, but I think you are mistaken to assume the changing criteria implies people have settled. Or that relationships formed in adulthood based on adult priorities are less exciting/ fulfilling.

 

One thing to add is that cynicism can be a self fulfilling prophecy. I think you need to believe in being able to find what you're looking for to be available to find it. Not to mention a positive attitude is attractive.

[Gaeta]

Research has shown that if you are 35+ and want any shot in hell of finding someone, you have to go and actively search for it. "Love will come to you" approach only works in your 20s when a lot of people are single.

 

I agree 100%

 

 

Few people that do marry for love are those that meet their partners early. Proabably around late teens/early 20s. The time when there is no pressure to couple up and there are plenty of options. As it gets to late 20s and above, there is less and less "true love" present. Most choices are pragmatic and made due to extrenal pressures to marry and have children.

I totally disagree. I loved deeply every man in my life whether I met them at 17, 30 or 50.

 

My grand-mother remarried at 75. In her autobiography she wrote she loved and respected her first husband of 50 years but her second husband she married at 75 was the true love of her life.

 

Eternal: To find something you have got to believe in it. If you convince yourself love does not exist at your age then you won't find it for sure.

[vanhalenfan]

Research has shown that if you are 35+ and want any shot in hell of finding someone, you have to go and actively search for it. "Love will come to you" approach only works in your 20s when a lot of people are single.

 

Most people that find someone for a LTR/marriage are not actually that in love. Most of my friends married men that were kind of OK and they grew some type of attachment over time but they openly admit that they were never able to get men they truly wanted. People are terrified of being alone so they lower their standards to find someone they can tolerate. I am missing the ability to be happy with that.

 

Many years ago, I snooped into an ex bf's email account. He wrote an email to his close friend describing our relationship (which I thought was reasonably happy until then). He wrote something along the lines of "ES has this problem of wanting some kind of "true love" and hoping we are it. She doesn't realize that I don't feel that way about her. Yet I can be perfectly content in staying with her long term. Even marrying her and having children. Finding "true love" is like winning the lottery, most of us don't find it." I was never happy with him after seeing that, and while I didn't immedietly break up, it was the beggining of the end for me. He married the next woman that came along after me. He had an active OLD profile (logged in at least once a day) up until the day of his wedding. His wife was probably never aware of it.

 

Few people that do marry for love are those that meet their partners early. Probably around late teens/early 20s. The time when there is no pressure to couple up and there are plenty of options. As it gets to late 20s and above, there is less and less "true love" present. Most choices are pragmatic and made due to extrenal pressures to marry and have children.

 

I can definitely appreciate your point of view. I also agree with some of it. It can be difficult to find "true" love later in life, but I think it is partly due to all the "baggage" of living that we accumulate as time goes on. When we are young (the term "young and in love" comes to mind...) we are so unemcumbered by life's demands. Tons of options, too.

 

Also, along with this baggage is a lot of lessons learned and life lived...We've had more partners, probably had children with one or even more of them, been through a divorce, etc. Some of us can even become a bit jaded over time after having these life experiences.

 

After all of that, finding a partner (later in life) who likely has their own baggage and experiences...and fitting it all together with someone else...can be tough.

Edited February 28, 2017 by vanhalenfan

[Mr Scorpio]

As it gets to late 20s and above, there is less and less "true love" present. Most choices are pragmatic and made due to external pressures to marry and have children.

 

I don't find it unreasonable to presume the opposite. The dating pool is smaller to be certain. It may even be the case that the majority of 'love at first sight' couples that reach their 40th anniversary meet very early on in life.

 

But how many people are fully-formed at that age? Intellectually? Emotionally? Fully self-actualized? How deep is the level of intimacy? Who makes up the pool of divorced 30 somethings with children? People who got married in the early 20s.

 

Moreover, there are studies that argue "true love" requires maturation. Like a fine wine. "The spark" isn't true love. The wild emotional swings we often reflect fondly upon after the fact aren't true love either.

 

That isn't to deny the prevalence pragmatism. We are talking about (presumably) the rest of one's life here.

[Chris2016]

Most people that find someone for a LTR/marriage are not actually that in love. Most of my friends married men that were kind of OK and they grew some type of attachment over time but they openly admit that they were never able to get men they truly wanted. People are terrified of being alone so they lower their standards to find someone they can tolerate. I am missing the ability to be happy with that.

 

What if people considered the people who they can get as their standard or normal, versus considering it lowering their standard or settling--particularly if they can't get men/women they truly wanted.

[SevenCity]

I agree that 35+ requires more work. Especially because at that age you are more set in your ways and require certain things in a partner.

 

I'm also a firm believer in most people who are married are not happy. I mean look at the divorce rate. More than half aren't happy that's for sure.

 

I made the mistake of "settling" with my ex wife. She was a wonderful person, but there was never a spark between us. Sex was very mechanical and she was happy with doing only once a month. The reason I settled was I looked at my past. I either had extremely passionate girls who were equally selfish and full of drama, or "good" girls who were great to me but lacked that spark. I decided I was too old for drama and she would make a better wife.

 

After her I found the love of my life. I've never connected with someone on that level prior. She had EVERYTHING good the other types had in one package. That RL ended 6 months ago which still saddens me as I know how hard it is to find that again....if not impossible. I'm sure she's out there, but doesn't mean I'll find her.

 

I'm at a point now where I don't think I'll find that connection but it hasn't stopped me from trying. I'm dating as much as I can now but can't even find a girl I want to make a girlfriend let alone a wife.

 

Perhaps it's cliche, but I've always found a serious relationship when I wasn't looking. I don't know that my rigorous dating will yield anything long term and sometimes I feel like leaving it in fate's hands.

[BluEyeL]

I could tell you the many reasons why I disagree with your post about how most people "settle" and didn't really find "true love".

 

But it sounds like this is what you want to believe to make yourself feel better. A lot of people find this type of rhetoric comforting, it's not even original, I heard it countless times before. "Oh, she is married but do you want THAT husband?". "She is married but not TRULY in love".

 

IMO, at 16 or 18 is not "true" love, it's hormones and fantasy. It's true love when you know and deeply appreciate the person next to you. When you'd do anything for them. Not just when you are walking on clouds in la la land, with no special direction and you are more in love with the idea of being in love than with the actual person next to you.

[anduina]

Many years ago, I snooped into an ex bf's email account. He wrote an email to his close friend describing our relationship (which I thought was reasonably happy until then). He wrote something along the lines of "ES has this problem of wanting some kind of "true love" and hoping we are it. She doesn't realize that I don't feel that way about her. Yet I can be perfectly content in staying with her long term. Even marrying her and having children. Finding "true love" is like winning the lottery, most of us don't find it." I was never happy with him after seeing that, and while I didn't immedietly break up, it was the beggining of the end for me. He married the next woman that came along after me. He had an active OLD profile (logged in at least once a day) up until the day of his wedding. His wife was probably never aware of it.

That's awful. No wonder you broke up with him. He sounds like a terrible man.

 

Few people that do marry for love are those that meet their partners early. Proabably around late teens/early 20s. The time when there is no pressure to couple up and there are plenty of options. As it gets to late 20s and above, there is less and less "true love" present. Most choices are pragmatic and made due to extrenal pressures to marry and have children.

Either my fiance and I are exceptions or we're one of the lucky couples in our late twenties. It took awhile to hit our stride but we've learned to be emotionally wide open with each other which has brought us closer than ever, closer than what we had thought possible or have experienced.

 

If it can happen to two people living on different continents, it can happen for you too.

[Chilli]

l don't think most marriages settled for less , some did you can see it.

Some have also fell out of love and it becomes duty, for the family and you can see those too.

But there's millions f very close couples out there too. Some a bit grumpier now with each other than they were 20yrs ago but , marriage is hard on people..so is life.

 

Finding love later ,yeah , l dunno . l've wondered myself. lt def' seems harder to meet people bc they just aren't around unless you get into the pubs l think. Everyone else is busy and darting everywhere.

l've always noticed though some people literally really are lucky in love no matter what the age but other's just aren't.

 

l often feel blessed that my ex and l were truly head over heals and for a long time. For us it was life things that took their toll in the end on us though.

 

And now l have been lucky enough to find love again and even more than l could've hoped but, there are other problems and it def' isn't cert thing yet and may never be.

And l'm thinking if this can't work out , l surely couldn't be lucky enough to find it yet again so my reign is probably kaput if l blow this one l reckon.

[Eternal Sunshine]

What would you care what other people do?

 

Saying other people settled is just a way of saying they are losers and you are the winner at life.

That's not a good way to look at life IMHO.

 

When you leave this Earth, you leave with nothing. Whether you 'settle' and marry Mr. Good Enough, or hold out another 5 years and meet Mr. Fantastic, nobody really cares except for you (and maybe your mother).

 

I never said I was a winner. Anyone that married someone they are not head over heels in love with is someone I don't envy. Being single is incredibly hard too. In a sense, both scenarios are bad. Which one you chose depends on personal preferences.

 

Real winners are those where both partners married for real love. Very rare in the older age group.

[Eternal Sunshine]

But even if you do marry for love, how do you know there's not someone for which you might feel a higher sense of attachment? If there's a soulmate out there, is there also a soul(er)mate and a soul(est)mate? It can get a little crazy-making.

 

One of the best anniversary cards my wife ever gave me said "let's celebrate the day you stopped looking for someone better than me". Amen ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

See...that's the thing about love. When you feel it, there is noone better. That thought doesn't even cross your mind. If you are in love with the person you are married to and they feel the same, you are damn lucky. If there are people smarter/prettier/whatever is irrelevant.

 

You are missing my point. I am talking about people who at the point of getting married know that they are not in love but chose to go ahead due to lack of options/biological clock/parental and society pressure/loneliness and so on. They enter the marriage from a pragmatic point and not from the heart.

[stillafool]

When we are young we may meet that person who blows our mind and heart up. We've never felt this type of passion but end up breaking up with that person. We think these feelings will happen again with another person sooner or later. Then time passes and we realize it doesn't just happen and we can't manufacture those feelings with someone else. We find someone we are compatible with and love who that person is but never fully have those head over heels in love feeling for them the way we did with that person from our youth. I'll bet thousands of people go through this. When you see little old couples still holding hands in their 80s most of them married their first love and are still head over heels in love decades later.

[central]

I agree that as you get into your mid-30s and beyond, you have to make an effort to find someone (unless you are very lucky). However, I don't think that finding "true love" is limited to the younger set - it is possible to find after 35, and in some ways, it may be easier to recognize when you do find it because you have experience with relationships that can inform your choices. Yes, you may marry for love when you are young, but you may make a mistake because without experience, you may neglect to also marry for compatibility. In my case, I found that very fairly rare true and lasting (now 17 years) love (with high compatibility) when I was 45.

 

 

Research has revealed that only about 20% of long term "successful" marriages (those lasting 20 years or more) are truly happy, but about half of them overall are at least quite content - the other half, not so much. When you consider that nearly half of all marriages have ended prior to reaching 20 years, then overall, 10% or less of all marriages (of whatever duration) are truly happy.

 

 

Of course, most marriages start out very happy - I think that is even true for those (a large majority, IMO) who may not find their ideal partner (we all want things that we may not be able to find, much less get); we still make the best choice we can, and are usually very happy with it (at first, anyway). Those who are happy or at least very content, make a real effort to get there and stay there - but it takes both partners making that effort for it to succeed.

[WaitingForBardot]

I can think of a number of reasons it can get harder to find someone as we get older, but none of them are insurmountable. I do take issue though with the concept of settling; that would be a whole thread on its own.

 

I always have trouble relating to threads that make is seem like someone expects and/or accepts that they will be single for the rest of their lives, when it at least sounds like that is not what they want. I am not saying they don't feel this way, just that I myself have never, ever, not even once, thought after a breakup that I would not find someone else. Even after the most painful of breakups, when I was really hurting for the loss of my lover, did it occur to me that they were the last one. And I've never had to settle.

 

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe there isn't at least some level of a self-fulfilling prophecy taking place.

[William]

Moderation, both Robert and William, performed some housekeeping and will remind members to focus on the topic and refrain from internet diagnosing members with mental disorders, among other violations of our guidelines. This is a discussion forum and we expect members to follow our rules of decorum. Thanks!

[Weezy1973]

I also think as you get older, most people have a more realistic view on love. When you're young, you don't really know what a long lasting relationship consists of, you just get caught up in the feelings.

 

And not surprisingly, the vast majority of people that get married before the age of 25 (the magical age of which people actually marry for love in the opinion of the OP) get divorced. And people who wait until they're older for their first marriage, are way more likely to stay together.

 

I think older people actually understand what long lasting love entails (as we all get wiser as we get older) and therefore, as the stats acknowledge, the older you are when you first get married, the better chance that marriage has of lasting. So older people actually marry for true love, because they know what true love is!

 

Young people are ignorant about such things.

[Jj66]

I think you have to actively search for it regardless of age. This is especially true of men since we are expected to initiate. It does happen, but the cases in which love just falls in someone's lap are rare in my experience.