if you are 35+, you have to go and actively search for it

[PrettyEmily77]

I'm in my early 40s, single and I'm not actively searching for anything, nor do I care to.

 

I've been in various sorts of relationships in my life (not many, but all different), all of which I kind of fell into and most of which I thought were for keeps.

 

It's not a recipe for success by any stretch, but it's what suits me. I don't feel an urge to be partnered up, though; I'm not against it on principle, I'm sure it's still possible to find a compatible partner at any age and I'd be willing to explore something with a guy I think is worth it, but I like to think that fate, an open mind and a positive outlook will serve me just as well as purposefully looking for someone (too exhausting for me).

 

As long as you do what you're comfortable doing, you know yourself well enough and you know what to look for in a partner, there is no reason it won't happen if that's what you really want.

[No_Go]

I think the younger age group tend to fantasize more, that's not love. I've been 'in love' for years and years with an older coworker that I never actually dated. He was sensing it and enjoying my attention, therefore feeding my dreams. That lasted shamefully half a decade.

 

People of older age know that marriage is a legal contract. As so - it comes with a set of requirements to be met. Hobbies and looks are the least of my concerns. Attitude towards saving/spending, drive/ambition, empathy, rational thinking etc are on the top.

 

When I was young... I didn't think that far like whether the 'love of my life' will ruin my mortgage or forget to take the kids to school. Thank God I didn't marry young

 

As of now (32) I'd be very very happy to 'settle' - I actually will prefer it over 'crazy chemistry' because it will give me the chance to enjoy a partner without obsessing over him.

 

Edited November 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed content which was cleaned up

[Chilli]

I think you have to actively search for it regardless of age. This is especially true of men since we are expected to initiate. It does happen, but the cases in which love just falls in someone's lap are rare in my experience.

 

 

Ahh , but ain't it fun being the hunter

 

And contrary, you hear a lot of women complaining that it's easier for a guy bc he can be the hunter .

But they have to hope he asks them out or else bite the bullet themselves if no ones asking.

[Sweetfish]

Most of my friends married men that were kind of OK and they grew some type of attachment over time but they openly admit that they were never able to get men they truly wanted.

 

 

I'm highly interested in this statement...

[newheart]

I married young for the wrong reasons - he was (I thought) kind, generous, reliable, etc. I grew to love him, but I wasn't in love. Or rather, I thought I was, until I truly experienced it later in life. I never knew what "in love" was until 39 years old. I don't know if I will find that again, but maybe there are just different kinds of love and I will experience something unique again.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I understand your points, but I think you've glossed over the late-teens/early-20's perspective a bit. In my personal experience, those were my least healthy relationships. I didn't really know what to expect or look for in a significant other, and since my sense of self-esteem was still maturing, I tended to "settle" for the first person to show me affection. I didn't realize I was settling at the time, but in retrospect it's very clear.

 

As I finished school, joined the workforce, expanded my social circle (early/mid-20's), it became more apparent to me that it was okay to have preferences, standards, and priorities regarding the men I would choose to date.

 

I married at 27, 100% for love. Had I married at 21, I'd be long divorced by now.

 

Like you, I have friends in their early-30's who seem to have settled for someone who can provide them with security and a family. However, I don't claim to know for certain how they truly feel, and I suppose I'm surprised your friends have been so candid with you regarding their lack of love for their spouses. If that's true, it's really sad. But I don't think it's any less healthy than the relationships that are born of late-teens naivete and end in divorce or co-dependency.

[hotpotato]

Some people will always have to look. I never had much love unless i was looking for it. I was never one to be hit on much or asked out. I was asked out once in high school on a dare, and i wasn't asked out at all in college. If i want a relationship, i usually have to look for that.

 

There are people my age who have been together for the past 15 years. I do think it's more special to them as they've grown up together and mostly avoided the pitfalls of the dating world.

 

Most of the time i don't feel like dating. I did some math, and i've been paired up 5 of the past 12 years. Most of that was with one guy. The rest were relationships that lasted under a year and sometimes only a few months. Im more self conscious because i'm not very experienced, and i'm at the age where people expect you to know what to do.

 

edit:

ES i see a lot of myself in you. Are you very cerebral? It may be difficult for you to be in the moment.

[Chilli]

Ahh, be proud of the fact you don't think your very experienced anyway hp.

A very experienced "dater" , turn off to me.

 

 

Anyway. What we need is to be have a circle like on the Bold and Beautiful

Then every time you get divorced or break up with someone you just go marry the next one , and the next, and the next, and then you start again and you all just go around and around.

[Imported]

He married the next woman that came along after me. He had an active OLD profile (logged in at least once a day) up until the day of his wedding. His wife was probably never aware of it.

 

So what you're saying is you stalked him up until the day of his wedding?. And probably still do.

 

Lotta coping and rationalizing going on in your OP.

[Imajerk17]

My aunt is in love w a guy she met from OLD. They both look so happy together!

 

By the way, she is 74.

 

She did search for it--took her 2 years after her husband my uncle passed--but she did find it. You are far too young to lose hope, ES.

Edited March 5, 2017 by Imajerk17

[dichotomy]

It is harder to find people as you age - thats very true. When between marriages - O.L.D. was the only way I was going to meet anyone.

 

What is love?

 

I think that meaning varies form person to person and may be different at different ages and stages in life.

 

I have known people who were "Crazy in love" with someone - but it never worked out as a LTR or would never have worked as a marriage. I think marriage requires a very specific set of compatibilities. After that I think it takes a heck of a lot of work ...to choose to continue to love even when you dont "feel like it".

 

My wife and I love very differently - although I think both of us have changed a bit over the years to be closer to sharing a view of love we have- however there will always be a gap.

Edited March 5, 2017 by dichotomy

[thefooloftheyear]

The more one dimensional a person is, the easier it is to acquiesce to what someone thinks is real love...I guess that may well explain why younger people think they find it, only to be mistaken as they mature..At the risk of sounding insensitive, we all know some people who are rather simple that seem to have happiness, love, or whatever all figured out...Its not that they are smerter or more fortunate, just that they have less needs to fulfill and are more satisfied easily..

 

Id argue that its harder for women than it is for men, just because they "need more boxes checked", than men do...As we all age, life experiences make it even more difficult...

 

But at the end of the day, sometimes we need to look in the mirror and take some responsibility...In many cases it's actually not them, but it's you(not referring to anyone in particular)..

 

I like the phrase "A poor craftsman blames his/her tools"....

 

TFY

Edited March 5, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[Leigh 87]

I think the younger age group tend to fantasize more, that's not love. I've been 'in love' for years and years with an older coworker that I never actually dated. He was sensing it and enjoying my attention, therefore feeding my dreams. That lasted shamefully half a decade.

 

People of older age know that marriage is a legal contract. As so - it comes with a set of requirements to be met. Hobbies and looks are the least of my concerns. Attitude towards saving/spending, drive/ambition, empathy, rational thinking etc are on the top.

 

When I was young... I didn't think that far like whether the 'love of my life' will ruin my mortgage or forget to take the kids to school. Thank God I didn't marry young

 

As of now (32) I'd be very very happy to 'settle' - I actually will prefer it over 'crazy chemistry' because it will give me the chance to enjoy a partner without obsessing over him.

 

 

Crazy chemistry dies and subsides to great chemistry but without the newness that makes you "obsessed"

 

We started with crazy chemistry and now days we manage to function just fine without incessantly obsessing. Starting out with big sparks makes way for lesser but still good sex.

 

Starting without the it factor and it will probably dwindle down to room mates

[Leigh 87]

This thread highlights why I decided to live with the fact my partner was an addict.

 

Where else am I going to have the spark and high comparability and a best friend all in one ?

 

Honestly, as long as the guy works full tme, seems loyal and is equally in love and crazy about be as I am about him ... I sure won't be leaving men who have a few issues or defects. So long as they are a working productive member of society with loads of empathy.

[Popsicle]

Younger people are less jaded than older people.

 

Plus as you said, the pickings become slimmer for both genders as you get older.

 

And so what that some people settle? Who cares? They are doing what suits them and you should do what suits you. There is NO RIGHT ANSWER. It's all individual and highly personal. I may think think someone who's settled in marriage is pathetic but they may think I'm pathetic for being alone. The truth is, no one is right or wrong. As Chris Rock said "You can either be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness for anyone." Lol

Edited March 7, 2017 by Popsicle

[hotpotato]

When people get older, i think they get more jaded and demand more from a partner.

 

I had a class abt family relationships or some sort. Teacher admitted she was that way, too. When she was younger, she looked for things like good sense of humor and getting along ok. As one ages, that list tends to pile up.

 

So here we have this jaded older person who is demanding more and more but still getting older and older.

[Shining One]

I can't think of any point in my life in which I didn't have to go and actively search for it. However, I would say the searching has required less effort in my 30's than in my 20's.

[hotpotato]

I think you have to actively search for it regardless of age. This is especially true of men since we are expected to initiate. It does happen, but the cases in which love just falls in someone's lap are rare in my experience.

 

It's happened to plenty of people i know. I know quite a few couples who met in high school or were high school sweethearts and are married. I know of one couple both my age who've been together half their lives. I know others who have several kids and are about to celebrate their 10 year anniversary.

[Chilli]

Had to laugh at Leigh's thought , agree 110%.

Me , as l've gotten older and my marriage went to sh@t , there's only really 2 or 3 things l want.

As dad always said , l know , l mentioned it earlier, what can l say this topic fascinates me but

"you never get perfect in life and if you do it'll blow up in your face anyway."

 

At this stage ,the 2 or 3 things will do me just fine because you realize the rest doesn't really matter that much anyway, not in the long run , because without the 2 or 3 basics your screwed regardless or at least unhappy.

 

But funny , this thread made me think about how l actually met gf's and ex.

There's no pattern.It was everywhere.

Friend, a singles club- ex wife, hobbies, while l was just out somewhere, you name it.

My gf now l met in a divorce forum. This was one of those when you least expect it things.

 

But l think apart from her and ex, when l was a kid l was into horses and there were girls everywhere , and exactly my type.

Even though l was a kid , l still knew , and to this day they were all def' the closet pick to the type of chick l truly love.

 

So maybe there's something in that lesson and those fun fun years. Do what you love doing and you mix and meet people you truly like.

Girls, included.

[Chilli]

How has everyone else here met their past gf's or bf's, husbands or wives ?

 

Has there been pattern for you in the way you've met?

[BC1980]

How has everyone else here met their past gf's or bf's, husbands or wives ?

 

Has there been pattern for you in the way you've met?

 

Totally random. I met my first BF at college in a class, the second I worked with, the third again in class in graduate school, and the fourth someone set us up. But honestly, each time, I wasn't looking for it. The relationships just fell into my lap so to speak.

[carhill]

How has everyone else here met their past gf's or bf's, husbands or wives ?

One LTR was introduced by a mutual friend and the other two and my wife I met during the early days of online dating.

 

Has there been pattern for you in the way you've met?

 

Yes, it was never easy.

[No_Go]

Crazy chemistry dies and subsides to great chemistry but without the newness that makes you "obsessed"

 

We started with crazy chemistry and now days we manage to function just fine without incessantly obsessing. Starting out with big sparks makes way for lesser but still good sex.

 

Starting without the it factor and it will probably dwindle down to room mates

 

I haven't noticed having of less of a good sex if there is no lovey-dovey feelings involved. My ex (of 2 years) was a bad fit for me and we had a lot of issues, but sex quantity/quality didn't decrease at all over time - we kept averaging 7-10 x a week and it was consistently good (sadly, nothing else in the RL was good).