single ladies 30 and up, how are you?

[hotpotato]

For the record, i've dated a lot of different types of men. My first 3 boyfriends were nerdy. In fact, one was a bona fide computer nerd. He was also the meanest guy i ever dated. I've dated every type of man casually, from nerdy to former pro boxer. The last guy i dated was in great shape, he was boyfriend of the year except for a few things, he was an artist who liked to draw, he played guitar, naturally talented at keyboard.

 

So being in good shape doesn't make you dumb a meat head, or anything like what i see being implied in this thread. Let's call it what it is, haterism. It's very unflattering coming from anyone but especially coming from men.

 

I knew a man a couple years ago who was tall, handsome, and self made with money, and he loved to work out. Had he not been so far away, maybe i would've tried with him.

 

I've never been flooded with options unless i go online. Otherwise through school (middle school, high school, college). I was never bombarded with options. I can count on one hand how many times i was asked out. I think just once, on a dare in high school.

[thefooloftheyear]

For the record, i've dated a lot of different types of men. My first 3 boyfriends were nerdy. In fact, one was a bona fide computer nerd. He was also the meanest guy i ever dated. I've dated every type of man casually, from nerdy to former pro boxer. The last guy i dated was in great shape, he was boyfriend of the year except for a few things, he was an artist who liked to draw, he played guitar, naturally talented at keyboard.

 

So being in good shape doesn't make you dumb a meat head, or anything like what i see being implied in this thread. Let's call it what it is, haterism. It's very unflattering coming from anyone but especially coming from men.

 

I knew a man a couple years ago who was tall, handsome, and self made with money, and he loved to work out. Had he not been so far away, maybe i would've tried with him.

 

I've never been flooded with options unless i go online. Otherwise through school (middle school, high school, college). I was never bombarded with options. I can count on one hand how many times i was asked out. I think just once, on a dare in high school.

 

 

So, in your opinion...what's the problem?

 

Is it you guys or is it the whole male species?

 

Why do some women get exactly what they want, yet you guys are seemingly constantly holding the bag?

 

I'm not being critical, I'm simply trying to figure this out...By description and what little can be gleaned from posts, it doesn't seem like you all are undesirable..So I don;t think that's it...But I really can't say for sure...If I had to guess, though, id say that's not it..

 

I have suspicions, but Ill keep them under hat...Maybe Ill start another thread on it...I dunno..

 

Oh, and no hating from me on the good shape part...I wont even consider someone who didn't place an emphasis on fitness and living well.....Its been my life since forever..

 

TFY

[Mysterio]

This is what I see in dating. Most women can have any guy without her having to jump through hoops to be with him.

 

A Romantic relationship starts in 3 ways.

 

Guy charms woman to be his GF. Girl charms man to be her BF Mutual charm.

 

From what I have seen with my friends and I am only going by who is in my phone. Feels like the Girl basically said to him. I like you romantically we should be a couple. The Man not having to really work it or be more decerning about her, usually just conseeds to her whims.

 

I almost feel like its better that way. If the woman is more the driving force. The relationship is better that way from a guys views.

 

Men and Women have different ways that have them dating. So when we are on here. We have to really state our gender and be specific. Otherwise we might give some advice that may not work.

 

Or its perhaps all about looks. Even if your friends with women. Why are you not dating them. You already have the inside track. So whats stopping that friendship from being romantic, if both parties are single.

 

For me and my friend CJ. We are 10 yrs apart. I am Black/She-White. We live about 30 minutes by bus. We do get together 5 times a year for dinner/lunch.

 

For me she has the looks. Yet I feel no major romantic spark because she is not playful and flirtatious towards me. I feel a little bit like she is a bit removed as well over my well being. Cj towards me. I don't think I am her physical type. SO that may be why she is not turning on the heat with me. Also my perosonality if very introspective. So her being with Mr. 20 Questions may get on her nerves as I always am on the look for a great conversation. I can't do the small talk thing. Not that I have to know everybodies business. I just don't like small talk.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Unmarried doesn't mean single

 

Of course it does. "Unmarried" is synonymous for "Single".

 

I actually looked up the definitions of this...

 

In legal definitions for interpersonal status, a single person is someone who is not in a relationship or is unmarried.

 

Sounds like you're just splitting hairs. In the context of the OK Cupid blog, it's proving a point of what gender is contacting whom and how frequently and not really relevant to your argument.

Edited March 12, 2017 by LookAtThisPOst

[PrettyEmily77]

Of course it does. "Unmarried" is synonymous for "Single".

 

I actually looked up the definitions of this...

 

In legal definitions for interpersonal status, a single person is someone who is not in a relationship or is unmarried.

 

Sounds like you're just splitting hairs. In the context of the OK Cupid blog, it's proving a point of what gender is contacting whom and how frequently and not really relevant to your argument.

 

That's all well and good, but the Time Survey doesn't provide a definition for their data collection, other than the fact they used data from US Census, for which unmarried = never married, divorced or widowed. It also doesn't say what percentage of these people are actually actively looking for a relationship.

 

It's important because it prevents people from waxing lyrical over stuff essentially based on assumptions.

 

With regards to the 'men send 3 million messages a day, women only reply to 5 of these a month at the most' conundrum (exaggerated for effect, but you know what I mean), this indicates to me that both sexes have to play the long game regardless of their prerequisites, preferences or deal breakers, because if both 3-million-message-a-day guy and 5-replies-a-month woman remain single after months of this, evidently the process is arduous for everyone.

[hotpotato]

So, in your opinion...what's the problem?

 

Is it you guys or is it the whole male species?

 

Why do some women get exactly what they want, yet you guys are seemingly constantly holding the bag?

 

I'm not being critical, I'm simply trying to figure this out...By description and what little can be gleaned from posts, it doesn't seem like you all are undesirable..So I don;t think that's it...But I really can't say for sure...If I had to guess, though, id say that's not it..

 

 

 

Oh, and no hating from me on the good shape part...I wont even consider someone who didn't place an emphasis on fitness and living well.....Its been my life since forever..

 

TFY

 

I did encounter guys i liked, but they were taken starting under age 18. This is common where i live. I missed the high school sweetheart train.

 

It's easier to stay single now because I don't want to deal with dating. Some of it is the men. For instance, i get tired of guys expecting me to have sex with them right off the bat. I get tired of guys lying to me to get sex. It seems like dating for a lot of men is mostly about the sex, and theyre not interested in getting to know me. Online dating is the main way i find someone. If i don't date that, i am single for a long time.

 

I have this issue with men a lot. Heck, not long ago i had a guy try to get me into a fitting room in a store to have sex with me. That's not the first time something like that has happened. That's fairly common in my dealings with guys.

 

Then i'm not the stereotypical bubbly talkative woman. A guy told me my charms are more subtle.

 

I don't really need a man. I was an only child until i was 11 so i had to learn how to entertain myself. I know how go out and try new things on my own. I went to Ft Lauderdale by myself, i want to go on a hot air balloon, ride in a helicopter, and i also want to go overseas most likely by myself.

 

A lot of women have a need for that second income. Some of the women i have been left or overlooked for have kids. This isn't true all the time, but some single women out there need a man's income or the need to hook a man to move their kids into his house (women attempted this on my last ex a lot). This women will keep trying and trying and trying until she finds that man who will take her. I don't have a dire need for a man's income.

 

I am quirky with social anxiety, adhd, and probably another comorbid.

 

I live in the fattest state in the country which doesn't when trying to find guys who are in shape. Most of the guys i've dated have been from other states.

 

 

 

I have suspicions, but Ill keep them under hat...Maybe Ill start another thread on it...I dunno..

 

I'm interested to know what you think...

[PrettyEmily77]

Hotpotato

 

For what it's worth, I kind of think that part of it is OLD itself - it makes people over critical of both themselves and other people, and it gives the illusion of choice (or lack thereof).

 

With the huge disclaimer that I have never personally gone through any sort of calculated, premeditated dating process myself (I sort of fell into relationships and my personality and character aren't suited to OLD at all), and the other huge disclaimer that I know it is very successful for a lot of people, I have observed that after a while, people start to tie their self-worth to their dating success on OLD - the expectations become totally skewed and can make the best of people develop self-esteem issues (too high for some, too low for others).

 

The other thing is simply changing times - women are freer to choose for themselves, and equality can be a difficult notion to navigate and get to grips with for both women and men.

 

The whole process can sometimes take over people's lives somewhat, to the point where it becomes sort of an obsession or a habit, and it has the danger of making people a little too impatient and a little less open-minded.

 

It's fair and natural that you'd want to find someone to share your life with, especially when you're at a point in your life where you know what you have to offer and you know what you want from a partner, and it's a personal journey as much as anything else.

 

All these gender wars and assumptions about who has it easier and why, all those statistics and articles and dating coaches can sometimes make people feel inadequate, too choosy, not 'perfect' enough when in the end, all everyone wants is a fulfilling relationship.

 

On the upside, if you keep an open-mind and a positive mindset, chances are things will fall into place as they are meant to, whether it be a happy single life or a happy coupled life.

[Haydn]

I never get these threads and rarely dip into them.

 

Loads of assumptions about `people`here. (Mainly by blokes) of which i am one.

 

Men are different. Women are different.

 

Bad RS can make people wary etc...

 

Us blokes don`t all think the same way as is slightly being suggested.

 

And i think some are justifying their dating failure by using statistics.

 

That goes for both `Sexes`

 

But an interesting read.

[hotpotato]

Hotpotato

 

For what it's worth, I kind of think that part of it is OLD itself - it makes people over critical of both themselves and other people, and it gives the illusion of choice (or lack thereof).

 

With the huge disclaimer that I have never personally gone through any sort of calculated, premeditated dating process myself (I sort of fell into relationships and my personality and character aren't suited to OLD at all), and the other huge disclaimer that I know it is very successful for a lot of people, I have observed that after a while, people start to tie their self-worth to their dating success on OLD - the expectations become totally skewed and can make the best of people develop self-esteem issues (too high for some, too low for others).

 

The other thing is simply changing times - women are freer to choose for themselves, and equality can be a difficult notion to navigate and get to grips with for both women and men.

 

The whole process can sometimes take over people's lives somewhat, to the point where it becomes sort of an obsession or a habit, and it has the danger of making people a little too impatient and a little less open-minded.

 

It's fair and natural that you'd want to find someone to share your life with, especially when you're at a point in your life where you know what you have to offer and you know what you want from a partner, and it's a personal journey as much as anything else.

 

All these gender wars and assumptions about who has it easier and why, all those statistics and articles and dating coaches can sometimes make people feel inadequate, too choosy, not 'perfect' enough when in the end, all everyone wants is a fulfilling relationship.

 

On the upside, if you keep an open-mind and a positive mindset, chances are things will fall into place as they are meant to, whether it be a happy single life or a happy coupled life.

 

Hi. I'm not sure what to do besides OLD. I'd be single 5 or 6 years instead of 2 or 3 if i wait for someone in person.

 

tbh I think my past experiences have done more harm than the OLD itself. The old gets annoying for sure, that's why i quit. A lot of guys don't seem to get that dating sites are for...dating...lol I have the same problem if i meet people in person, too.

[PrettyEmily77]

Hi. I'm not sure what to do besides OLD. I'd be single 5 or 6 years instead of 2 or 3 if i wait for someone in person.

 

tbh I think my past experiences have done more harm than the OLD itself. The old gets annoying for sure, that's why i quit. A lot of guys don't seem to get that dating sites are for...dating...lol I have the same problem if i meet people in person, too.

 

Fair enough.

 

It is very difficult to find a compatible partner whichever way you go about it anyway - probably why arranged marriages were the norm everywhere until not so long ago! I don't know if that helps, though .

 

As for your past experiences, they are what made you who you are now so if you can still look at yourself and know you have acted in good conscience, if you've forgiven yourself and others for the stuff you or they didn't handle well (probably the worst part, at least for me), and if you can accept your insecurities and your strengths as they are, you'll be ok with or without a guy in your life. I know I'm happy single, and I don't doubt I'd also be happy with the right guy.

 

Then meeting the right guy will become the icing on an already awesome cake! .

 

Ultimately, you are the master of your fate.

[Shining One]

And i think some are justifying their dating failure by using statistics.

I think it's useful to understand the statistics. However, you should be using statistics to maximize your chances of success instead of using them to justify your failures.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Hotpotato

 

For what it's worth, I kind of think that part of it is OLD itself - it makes people over critical of both themselves and other people, and it gives the illusion of choice (or lack thereof).

 

With the huge disclaimer that I have never personally gone through any sort of calculated, premeditated dating process myself (I sort of fell into relationships and my personality and character aren't suited to OLD at all), and the other huge disclaimer that I know it is very successful for a lot of people, I have observed that after a while, people start to tie their self-worth to their dating success on OLD - the expectations become totally skewed and can make the best of people develop self-esteem issues (too high for some, too low for others).

 

The other thing is simply changing times - women are freer to choose for themselves, and equality can be a difficult notion to navigate and get to grips with for both women and men.

 

The whole process can sometimes take over people's lives somewhat, to the point where it becomes sort of an obsession or a habit, and it has the danger of making people a little too impatient and a little less open-minded.

 

It's fair and natural that you'd want to find someone to share your life with, especially when you're at a point in your life where you know what you have to offer and you know what you want from a partner, and it's a personal journey as much as anything else.

 

All these gender wars and assumptions about who has it easier and why, all those statistics and articles and dating coaches can sometimes make people feel inadequate, too choosy, not 'perfect' enough when in the end, all everyone wants is a fulfilling relationship.

 

On the upside, if you keep an open-mind and a positive mindset, chances are things will fall into place as they are meant to, whether it be a happy single life or a happy coupled life.

 

I know what you mean, this is why pretty much every time I was able successful at getting a woman to meet with me in person, was due in part to the fact she was brand spanking new to OLD. I struck while the iron was hot.

 

The longer someone stays on the site, the more they'll think NO one will ever be good enough and they wind up permanently stuck in this cyber world.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have had the best luck with guys where I am the first person they met since signing up. They didn't develop the multi-dating easy-come/easy-go mentality.

 

Despite doing OLD on and off for many years and multi dating some of the time, at heart I hate it. I am a big romantic and only have desire to date one man at the time. When seeing someone with potential, I have zero interest to look for something better. I would love nothing more than to just meet the right guy and never step a foot on an OLD site again.

[curiouslysearching]

I have had the best luck with guys where I am the first person they met since signing up. They didn't develop the multi-dating easy-come/easy-go mentality.

 

Despite doing OLD on and off for many years and multi dating some of the time, at heart I hate it. I am a big romantic and only have desire to date one man at the time. When seeing someone with potential, I have zero interest to look for something better. I would love nothing more than to just meet the right guy and never step a foot on an OLD site again.

 

that is extremely solid advice to say the least

[hotpotato]

I know what you mean, this is why pretty much every time I was able successful at getting a woman to meet with me in person, was due in part to the fact she was brand spanking new to OLD. I struck while the iron was hot.

 

The longer someone stays on the site, the more they'll think NO one will ever be good enough and they wind up permanently stuck in this cyber world.

 

That's not how i felt. I had a lot of irritating experiences, then i quit. My other ex was one of the first people i met when i went back to pof. I guess i didn't have time to become irritated or jaded.

[curiouslysearching]

I think that it is very important to realize we are all individuals

and have our set of needs, desires and wants. It is critical

to be happy in your own "skin" and not seek the approval of

others for your self-worth. Be Happy Life is Fleeting and meant

to be embraced and enjoyed.

[William]

Folks, we got a report to review this thread and one of the moderators will process it later today but in the interim, after doing a quick scan, I'll insert this topic check. Here's the topic:

 

Single ladies 30 and up

Have you spent much of your life single by choice?

Do you regret being single? is it harder to find guys?

Are you happy?

 

If you are, or have been, a single lady 30 and up, feel free to share your experiences in response to the questions asked.

 

Thanks!

[youdunsay]

I can't believe I found my soul sisters here. I'm also turning 30s very soon and never have a boyfriend.

 

I am not unattractive but I am not hot either. Thought I got lucky when a guy asked me out recently (he bumped me on the streets and asked for my namecard) and turned out he wanted to have a ONS? He fled after he learnt I have never done sex. What is the world going on?

[hotpotato]

I can't believe I found my soul sisters here. I'm also turning 30s very soon and never have a boyfriend.

 

I am not unattractive but I am not hot either. Thought I got lucky when a guy asked me out recently (he bumped me on the streets and asked for my namecard) and turned out he wanted to have a ONS? He fled after he learnt I have never done sex. What is the world going on?

 

Awww sorry that happened to you. I never heard of a guy running away bc the girl is a virgin, but i guess it happens.

 

Are you generally happy in life?

Edited March 16, 2017 by hotpotato

[youdunsay]

Awww sorry that happened to you. I never heard of a guy running away bc the girl is a virgin, but i guess it happens.

 

Are you generally happy in life?

 

Yea it did happened. Oh wait, I think he ran away because he knew sex is not going to happen anytime soon. Oh wait, that's right. All the guys in the past ran away after the third/fourth date because sex didn't happen.

 

Happy? I don't know. What is happiness anyway?

[hotpotato]

^I know what you mean, that stuff gets old. Tgats another reason i dont date much!

[hotpotato]

Its not so much that youre not relationship material, some guys just arent interested in getting to know you. They are very sex focused. Ive met guys who try to have sex with ne in banks, closets, movie theaters, dressing rooms, and (i do mean cold approach guys who come to me in these places). Does it sound like they are even making an attempt to get to know me? Relationship is a moot point since he wont take the time to get to know her. They are trying to scratch that itch.

 

Also after years on pof, id say the same about most of those guys, too. They are trying to do the bare minimum movie and dinner to hurty up and get you back to their place. Once again, most if the time they dont even try to get to know me. I could understand more if theres a period in which he talks to you, tries to get to know you, and guys just dont click. It happens, but thats not usually how it goes.

 

Hell, i met a guy at the mall, and he tried to gave sex with me in the mall. Theres no calming that guy down. One guy in the movies sat next to me and offered sexual services on the spot. Are these guys really gonna take the time out and get to know me? Hmmm probably not.

[youdunsay]

Its not so much that youre not relationship material, some guys just arent interested in getting to know you. They are very sex focused. Ive met guys who try to have sex with ne in banks, closets, movie theaters, dressing rooms, and (i do mean cold approach guys who come to me in these places). Does it sound like they are even making an attempt to get to know me?

 

Hell, i met a guy at the mall, and he tried to gave sex with me in the mall. Theres no calming that guy down. One guy in the movies sat next to me and offered sexual services on the spot.

 

Oh my. Stay safe. Avoid all hazards.

[Quiet Storms]

I watched a movie recently - it was about a woman who recently divorced and got involved in a Dom/Sub situation (she was the sub) shortly afterward. Interestingly, the experience taught her that what she really wanted was a relationship (not Dom/Sub), BUT that she could stand on her own two feet, and it taught her a lot about what she wanted in her life and how to go about getting it.

 

One of the things she learned was that she didn't need a man to define her or make her happy. A man might be nice, but all in all, she was happy with who she was.

[Mysterio]

I just can't imagine meeting a women from 20 to 40 something. That is going to have sex with a guy or me off the bat. These cold calls from guys to women for sex to me is just so un-realistic.

 

Does this really happen. The only time I have ever had easy sex is when the woman is really into me. I just barely pick up on it. No way a cold approch is going to work on a woman for me. Sex/Relationship or not.

 

The only way I could see a women being like that, is if she wants to make her husband/BF/EX jealous.