Pretensit-y Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) So I recently matched with this guy two weeks ago and since then we've been on two dates. The first was amazing, with lots of compliments from his side and teasing and smooth conversation. We kissed at the end of the date, I wasn't expecting the kiss as I went in for a hug but when I pulled back he asked me if he could kiss me, and because I felt great chemistry, I did. Flash forward to about 5 days later to our second date, we went to a carnival together which was a bit difficult to talk to each other because of the loud music. I didn't feel as much chemistry this time and I honestly found myself a bit bored. He hardly asked me any questions about myself, and even I ran out of things to ask him. HOWEVER, he was extremely touchy- feels so his hands where all over me. He put his arm around me multiple times, around my waist and would hold my hand occasionally. He also kissed me on the head and cheek ever so often until at one point I had this strong urge to kiss him so I did, we made out for a good 20 seconds in public. Not just once but twice. We sat on the beach after that and talked a bit then kissed a few times after that. I was getting really turned on and I could tell he was too because he audibly moaned at some point. The red flag was whenever we kissed, he put his whole hand on my throat, not caressing my hair or face but sort of slowly held it and kept his hand there firmly. I was surprised but tolerated it, it was really hot but I don't know if it's considered too much too soon? He walked me home and the whole time kept his hands around me. I like him but I don't know if I'm just sexually attracted to him, mostly because of the way our second date turned out which wasn't as spectacular as the first one. (Meaning much less chemistry except for a lot of touching) Should I be wary about this guy? Like does it seem he's just interested in a more casual thing? Edited February 28, 2017 by Pretensit-y TYpos Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Good lord run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's possible he has violent sexual fantasies....guys like him do it in small doses to see how you would react....if you ignore it, he will think you are into it and will step it up to another level. Get away from him NOW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Follow your gut instinct. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I am so creeped out by your description. And he only spent a few hours worth of first-date warming you up with convo before pulling the "I'll bet you can't wait to be abused, ya hot little..." stuff? Runrunrunrunrunrun. If you don't smell smoke coming from your sneakers you're not running fast enough, pick up the pace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 You already know the answer.. Why are you settling for him as he is not your type He's has mental issues violent ones (no one grabs you around your neckline) Step back slowly with this one okay be very alert to his actions. Best get out of it before it drags on to the point you have to bring in the police. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I'm a dude so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. 1. There is a time and a place for the hand on the neck thing. Second date isn't it. 2. Though, it sounded like it turned you on. Nothing wrong with that. Something to keep in mind in the future. 3. As a dude I don't think how I could think it was appropriate to do on a second date. Even though I'm into rough sex. You just don't do that. So most likely this is a personality trait coming through. Verdict: You're not really into the guy anyhow. Do you really want to invite that sort of crap into your life for a guy you don't really have that much chemistry with? I'd next him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 It might be harmless or he could be an ax murderer. In either case, there doesn't seem much of an attraction beyond the physical, so would you really want to take the risk to find out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretensit-y Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 I'm a dude so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. 1. There is a time and a place for the hand on the neck thing. Second date isn't it. 2. Though, it sounded like it turned you on. Nothing wrong with that. Something to keep in mind in the future. 3. As a dude I don't think how I could think it was appropriate to do on a second date. Even though I'm into rough sex. You just don't do that. So most likely this is a personality trait coming through. Verdict: You're not really into the guy anyhow. Do you really want to invite that sort of crap into your life for a guy you don't really have that much chemistry with? I'd next him. I'm not trying to give him any excuses but could it be due to lack of experience? I mean he hasn't really talked to me about his experience on dating websites but we're both quite young (19 yo) so could it just be that he's excited and doesn't know how to slow things down? I mean because his personality is far from being deemed as "dangerous" like he's honestly very sweet. I'm just trying to grasp a better understanding because I have very few dating experiences with guys. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Violent rapists can be con artist, luring their victim into a false sense of security. My friend had a guy that pestered her to go on a date, brought her flowers, complimented her. She thought he was being sweet until she got in the car with him....he quickly reclined her seat and tried to attack her. She was lucky to have fought him off and got away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I'm a dude so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. 1. There is a time and a place for the hand on the neck thing. Second date isn't it. 2. Though, it sounded like it turned you on. Nothing wrong with that. Something to keep in mind in the future. 3. As a dude I don't think how I could think it was appropriate to do on a second date. Even though I'm into rough sex. You just don't do that. So most likely this is a personality trait coming through. Verdict: You're not really into the guy anyhow. Do you really want to invite that sort of crap into your life for a guy you don't really have that much chemistry with? I'd next him. I agree with this. I enjoy rough sex as well but would only put my hand on her throat if we've had sex a few times and she was into it. Not on a second date kiss. Link to post Share on other sites
KBob Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 The red flag was whenever we kissed, he put his whole hand on my throat, not caressing my hair or face but sort of slowly held it and kept his hand there firmly. I was surprised but tolerated it, it was really hot but I don't know if it's considered too much too soon? He walked me home and the whole time kept his hands around me. I like him but I don't know if I'm just sexually attracted to him, mostly because of the way our second date turned out which wasn't as spectacular as the first one. (Meaning much less chemistry except for a lot of touching) There's two conflicting statements: you were obviously turned on sexually by his actions but then say you're not sexually attracted to him, so you need to figure out what you feel for this guy. You're obviously digging that hand around your throat, which is not uncommon; I've had many women tell me to choke them during sex. Not a fantasy of mine, but I'll do it if they ask. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he's a guy who has simply been led astray by porn in thinking that that's what women want. If you're thinking of continuing it with him, make date three in a non sexual environment and bring up your concern and gauge his reaction. If he gets defensive or angry, bad news bears there. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 He hardly asked me any questions about myself, and even I ran out of things to ask him. HOWEVER, he was extremely touchy- feels so his hands where all over me. He put his arm around me multiple times, around my waist and would hold my hand occasionally. As already said, trust your instincts. He didn't seem that interested in developing a rapport with you on the second date. The throat hold, imo, was boundary pushing or possibly he's foolish enough to be applying behaviors he's seen in porn. Even if you were turned on by it, it's not something you would do in the initial stages and without the person's enthusiastic consent. Set the boundaries that are important to you and gauge his (and any other guy's) reaction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretensit-y Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 There's two conflicting statements: you were obviously turned on sexually by his actions but then say you're not sexually attracted to him, so you need to figure out what you feel for this guy. You're obviously digging that hand around your throat, which is not uncommon; I've had many women tell me to choke them during sex. Not a fantasy of mine, but I'll do it if they ask. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he's a guy who has simply been led astray by porn in thinking that that's what women want. If you're thinking of continuing it with him, make date three in a non sexual environment and bring up your concern and gauge his reaction. If he gets defensive or angry, bad news bears there. Sorry what I meant was I do like him but I don't know if it's just because I'm sexually attracted to him. There was a lot of sexual tension on both dates, so I know I'm physically attracted to him. And I know I don't want a serious relationship right now because I'm travelling soon and it just won't really be worth it to start something serious when I won't even be around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretensit-y Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Violent rapists can be con artist, luring their victim into a false sense of security. My friend had a guy that pestered her to go on a date, brought her flowers, complimented her. She thought he was being sweet until she got in the car with him....he quickly reclined her seat and tried to attack her. She was lucky to have fought him off and got away. I understand, I've heard such horror stories too of really nice guys in the beginning that turn out to be creepy and almost scary. Thanks for the reminder though, I think it's just this lust that's preventing me from thinking clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretensit-y Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Set the boundaries that are important to you and gauge his (and any other guy's) reaction. I will do that. I would like to see if this guy is genuine or not so I will try this the next time if it happens again. Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hard to tell from the description you gave but I've placed my hand on the neck of my date sometimes with my thumb around the front while we kissed. Not for very long and not in an aggressive manner, but, well, because I like necks. I've never raped anyone and for what it's worth, I don't squeeze or anything. It's basically just a placement. But as others have said, if it made you remotely uncomfortable, you have two choices...stop seeing him or, if you kind of like him, tell him you're not comfortable with it. If he doesn't listen, drop him. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Listen, a guy putting his whole hand on my throat would make me RUN! This is an urge he has. There are guys who like to choke you out to have sex. They are not healthy fellows! He could honestly be very dangerous. You should not even talk to or see him again. You could tell him right before you block him. "Please do not contact me again. You scared me putting your hand on my throat. That was creepy. Good bye." Then seriously, just block him totally. Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I wonder if he watches a lot of porn:bunny: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnys93 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hard to tell from the description you gave but I've placed my hand on the neck of my date sometimes with my thumb around the front while we kissed. Not for very long and not in an aggressive manner, but, well, because I like necks. I've never raped anyone and for what it's worth, I don't squeeze or anything. It's basically just a placement. But as others have said, if it made you remotely uncomfortable, you have two choices...stop seeing him or, if you kind of like him, tell him you're not comfortable with it. If he doesn't listen, drop him. Many people caress necks when they kiss. But she said he had his hand on her throat that's slightly different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hands on the throat is a real turn on for me too... but on the second date, no. That's more of a "before getting down to business" move. A light caress on the neck during a kiss is fine on the second date I think... but grabbing it in a firmer grip is not something that is done between two people that barely know each other. What would he have done, I wonder, If you would have screamed to get his paws off your neck and that you didn't enjoy that one bit. I bet he would never contact you again. He seems like a control freak at best, I would be afraid to move forward with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Should I be wary about this guy? he sounds like a creep to me 2 Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hard to tell from the description you gave but I've placed my hand on the neck of my date sometimes with my thumb around the front while we kissed. Not for very long and not in an aggressive manner, but, well, because I like necks. I've never raped anyone and for what it's worth, I don't squeeze or anything. It's basically just a placement. Yup, I'm often a "hand-very-gently-on-the-face-and/or-side-of-the-neck" kisser. Absolutely minimal pressure applied. No one's run off from it. But as others have said, if it made you remotely uncomfortable, you have two choices...stop seeing him or, if you kind of like him, tell him you're not comfortable with it. If he doesn't listen, drop him. Yup. If he applies more pressure than you feel safe with, it's within your right to walk away. Listen, a guy putting his whole hand on my throat would make me RUN! This is an urge he has. There are guys who like to choke you out to have sex. They are not healthy fellows! He could honestly be very dangerous. You should not even talk to or see him again. You could tell him right before you block him. "Please do not contact me again. You scared me putting your hand on my throat. That was creepy. Good bye." Then seriously, just block him totally. Conversely, there are also women who like to be choked during sex. Women who are otherwise smart and classy, who I never would've thought would enjoy that sort of thing. Recently during sex I gently put my hand a girl's throat and her eyes lit up and she urged "Yeah, do it! Do it!" I was sort of hesitant at first but she assured me she wanted it to happen. I was afraid I was going to hurt her and I felt a little weird about it (I was also afraid I was going to bruise her neck) but she seriously enjoyed it. I asked her about it later and she said she'd never had that done before, but she'd always wanted to feel dominated. Everyone has weird kinks and psychological nuances that turn them on or off sexually. The key is first and foremost being safe and comfortable with them. If OP can have attain that level of safety and comfort with this guy first through some kind of discussion or otherwise, she might realize he's not necessarily a serial killer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretensit-y Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 A light caress on the neck during a kiss is fine on the second date I think... but grabbing it in a firmer grip is not something that is done between two people that barely know each other. That's true, which was why I particularly surprised at how forward he was. Every guy I've ever kissed before him have never touched me anywhere but behind my head or on the side of my face when we kissed. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Should have bit him and drew blood.. no wait.. he might have liked it.. EEEK! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretensit-y Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hard to tell from the description you gave but I've placed my hand on the neck of my date sometimes with my thumb around the front while we kissed. Not for very long and not in an aggressive manner, but, well, because I like necks. I've never raped anyone and for what it's worth, I don't squeeze or anything. It's basically just a placement. . This is exactly what he did, I want to clarify he didn't grab my neck but he just worked his way to the front of my neck and put is thumb around it like lurker74 stated. Also it didnt have pressure, it just kind of rested there but still firm enough. That's why it didn't make me too uncomfortable just shocked at the pace that he was going at. Mostly because I would reserve that move for a more intimate time like sex, not in a public place with lots of people around. I just wanted to know if it was normal behaviour for a second date. And from most the replies, I have gauged that it isn't so Link to post Share on other sites
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