8 months post BU feel at an all time low.

[Kyle01019]

I don't even know where to start.. 8 months ago I lost the love of my life.. we were together for two years, I've been in love prior to this but nothing compares.

 

Long story short she cheated on me, it broke my heart but I was willing to forgive her.. she told me so many times she loved me and needed to work on herself to make sure she would never hurt me again.. I waited for her for two months.

 

I found out since our break up she had been sleeping with her first love who she has a daughter with.. obviously this broke my heart even more.

 

We were inseparable.. we lived together we spent every day together.. she meant more to me then any other person in the world. She still does.

 

People always tell me that it will get better in time.. to try and work on myself.. every time someone mentions her name or I see a photo of her i burst into tears.. I truly love this woman more then I've ever loved anybody..

 

It's got the to point where I feel like such a huge burden to anyone I turn to for advice.. it's been 8 months, but it hurts me like it was yesterday.

 

I've actually debated ending it multiple times.. I cry so much and I haven't felt happiness in nearly a year.. I just don't think I could hurt my family like that.

 

I know she's moved on.. she's back with her first love.. we don't have contact.. we spoke once briefly in the last 4 months.. it was just weird.. obviously it would be because of what she did.

 

I forgive her for what happened.. I want her to be happy.. but at the expense of my own happiness?

 

I just want to feel even remotely normal..

 

I've tried rebounds.. sleeping with other women, going on dates.. nothing feels right and I've even found myself thinking about my ex during sex and feeling guilty afterwards even though I shouldn't.. I don't understand why I'm like this..

 

Please help me find the strength to become a happier individual

Edited February 28, 2017 by Kyle01019

[The_Dork_Lard]

One thing I've always found to be very cathartic is writing letters to them, pouring out my heart, but never actually sending them. But I fool myself during writing to believe I will be sending them, so that it all comes out in the letter. But don't ever send it.

 

Another way to help is taking them off their pedestal. That pedestal exists only in your mind. You can take her off it, and start by writing down every little thing you disliked about her. Even the trivial, such as "ugly nose" or "watched too much crap tv". You'll be surprised how many things you dislike.

 

Another way that helps is to identify when you have sad thoughts (you must have moments much worse than others - identify these) and rationalise them. For example: "I miss her so much, I just want her in my arms again". There are a 3 ways of dealing with this intense, tear jerking torture.

 

• 1) refer to the list of things you dislike about her. Or think of her cheating and ask "yeah, I might miss her, but are her actions those of a true friend?" Ask it over and over, and try to invoke anger, because she disrespected you. Think "she disrespected me". You wouldn't let anybody else disrespect you right? So why her? These are the types of rational questions you should ask in those blubbering moments. Another way of doing this is asking how you'd feel towards your best mate's girlfriend doing that to him.
  
• 2) Rationalise the moment itself. For example, you're doubled up on the floor crying your heart out. Be aware of it objectively, think "this grief I'm feeling is just a process of healment". It's a necessary evil, and it will pass. And believe me, though I acknowledge 8 months is a long time, it will pass. Another way of doing this is viewing yourself form a detached, birds' eye view, and say "it's just somebody heartbroken, they'll pull through, they always do, he has to go through it, everybody feels it, it's human".
  
• 3) practice 1 and 2 at the same time for double points! The quicker you begin changing your thoughts about her, and this, the quicker you will begin to feel better and stronger.
  

 

Another way is to find the strength not to contact them at all, and that means no peeking at Facebook, or any other online site. You mention seeing a photo of her... don't put yourself into that position, otherwise you will NEVER heal. Go complete no contact, and let go. Trust me on that one. I was ok for months after a particular breakup, until I looked at something online in a weak moment and saw very concrete evidence of having had several sexual partners since we broke up. Cue the heart ache and months of grief, which, I could have saved myself from.

 

Practice all of the above as if they're religion, and slowly but surely things will improve.

[SoThatHappened]

Best thing I found that is 100% universal at making you feel better:

 

- Exercising your butt off.

[messier31]

Kyle01019,

 

I am new to this forum(lurking for about 5 months now) so whatever advice I can give you may not be the best for you. Things posted by SoThatHappened and The_Dork_Lard some of the things I do to help me move on and trust me they do help.

 

Try to do things that make you happy. I ride my motorcycle everyday because it releases me from many things that stress me out. I go to the gym every weekday because I genuinely want to get in shape, healthier and look good. I stopped doing things that made me less productive with my time. I spend time with my sister more and help her with searching for a house she wants to live in. I spend more time with friends because I love hanging out with them and they keep me level headed in case I fall back into thinking about my ex. At work I take on as many hours as I can to keep my mind busy, earn more money and feel good about doing a good job.

 

You need to realize that no one is worth giving up your life for. You need to focus on yourself and make yourself happy again. Change your mentality. You don't have to hate her or love her more. You don't have to wait for her. You need to move forward with your life knowing that both of you had a chance to love each other but you can learn and grow from this and take this with you to your next relationship. Take this time apart to work on yourself. If you start thinking back on your relationship, think about what you could have done better and try to improve upon that.

 

YOU HAVE TO FIGHT! I truly believe that life throws things at you to test you and you need to overcome these tests whichever way you can. Everything worthwhile in life you need to work for starting with yourself.

[kel224]

Kyle,

 

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'm recovering from something very similar, so I can understand how difficult it is.

 

It's got the to point where I feel like such a huge burden to anyone I turn to for advice.. it's been 8 months, but it hurts me like it was yesterday.

 

When you're feeling this way, make use of this forum. Everyone is here specifically to help one another through this, and there is no fear of feeling like a burden. It's good to have people close to you that you feel you can talk to, but I know that's not always the case.

 

I forgive her for what happened.. I want her to be happy.. but at the expense of my own happiness?

 

Your happiness and well-being take priority now. You're number one in your life. What she did was pretty rotten. I think forgiveness is important to completely heal from heartbreak and betrayal, but if you do still harbor any anger/resentments for it that's totally OK too. Ultimately, your happiness now must be independent of her and her life.

 

People always tell me that it will get better in time.. to try and work on myself.. every time someone mentions her name or I see a photo of her i burst into tears.. I truly love this woman more then I've ever loved anybody..

 

It is true that it will get better in time. But time alone might work its magic slowly, so it is very important to take control and do as much as you can to work on yourself. "Work on yourself" is a very vague phrase, but it can mean whatever you want it to. It might mean you dive into body-building to look like a greek god. Or that you read a lot of books and grow your brain. Learn an instrument. Make new friends, wear new clothes. Start journaling and expressing yourself more. Dive into your work or studies. Call your family more often. Nothing makes the pain go away overnight, but the more proactive you can be in focusing on yourself and your own potential, the faster you'll get through this. You will find someone again. It might be terrifying and feel very uncomfortable to start new with someone at first, but you will love again.

 

I've tried rebounds.. sleeping with other women, going on dates.. nothing feels right and I've even found myself thinking about my ex during sex and feeling guilty afterwards even though I shouldn't.. I don't understand why I'm like this..

 

It's totally understandable if you're not ready yet and that you feel that way. I'd say to stay away from rebounds or meaningless hookups if that adds feelings of guilt onto your plate. 8 months might seem like a long time, but when you've been with someone for years and had plans for a much longer future together, it's normal to still feel bad about it.

 

Please help me find the strength to become a happier individual

 

You have what it takes in you to turn this around into the best thing that has happened to you. It's only through this kind of pain in life that we grow stronger.

[stemac]

I read you're post and I feel for you so much I understand just how you're feeling, I got dumped 15 month ago and thought the world of her, so I can really understand, I know my ex is with someone now I was told, and yes that shattered my heart all over again, nothing I can say will take you're pain away, I wish I could:) but please believe me it does get better in time and the pain will fade, I am not saying you will forget, and it will still hurt but not as bad as it does now, I was so so heart broken when my ex left me I was very ill at the time, I am fine now but just wanted to post to you keep going,, keep your head held high,, you will get through this.... I promise

[magnesium]

Trust me compadre, you will get through this.

 

There is a lot of good advice offered by everyone above; I dont think I can add much more.

 

You can't kill yourself because the reason you are on this planet isn't because of this woman. She just came into this life to show you something about yourself, something you may not be aware of.

 

I believe this, you don't know how powerful you really are. This is true for every human on earth. We just need to get out of our own way sometimes.

[frigginlost]

I don't even know where to start.. 8 months ago I lost the love of my life.. we were together for two years, I've been in love prior to this but nothing compares.

 

Long story short she cheated on me, it broke my heart but I was willing to forgive her.. she told me so many times she loved me and needed to work on herself to make sure she would never hurt me again.. I waited for her for two months.

 

I found out since our break up she had been sleeping with her first love who she has a daughter with.. obviously this broke my heart even more.

 

We were inseparable.. we lived together we spent every day together.. she meant more to me then any other person in the world. She still does.

 

People always tell me that it will get better in time.. to try and work on myself.. every time someone mentions her name or I see a photo of her i burst into tears.. I truly love this woman more then I've ever loved anybody..

 

It's got the to point where I feel like such a huge burden to anyone I turn to for advice.. it's been 8 months, but it hurts me like it was yesterday.

 

I've actually debated ending it multiple times.. I cry so much and I haven't felt happiness in nearly a year.. I just don't think I could hurt my family like that.

 

I know she's moved on.. she's back with her first love.. we don't have contact.. we spoke once briefly in the last 4 months.. it was just weird.. obviously it would be because of what she did.

 

I forgive her for what happened.. I want her to be happy.. but at the expense of my own happiness?

 

I just want to feel even remotely normal..

 

I've tried rebounds.. sleeping with other women, going on dates.. nothing feels right and I've even found myself thinking about my ex during sex and feeling guilty afterwards even though I shouldn't.. I don't understand why I'm like this..

 

Please help me find the strength to become a happier individual

 

It's all right there. Your decision to forgive her caused you to love her even more. You fought for it like no other. It takes an incredible person to forgive someone for cheating. From that point forward, you put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position. It was going to go one of two ways: Happily ever after, or destroy you. Sadly you got the latter.

 

But what do I know? I drove the same highway as you. She cheated, I forgave, I went all in again, and she cheated again. It destroyed me. It was a 3 year relationship that took me a year and a half to feel better from.

 

You at eight months sounds just about right. Congrats, you're normal. Just try to ride it out as best you can. There will come a time when the clouds part. It just sucks until you get there.

 

Stay strong!

[Bromeo]

Op, I am right there with you. 7 months later and I still get stabs of pain and emotion. Read my thread, and be glad you aren't crazy, and acting insane like I did.

 

Listen to the mountain of experience here. Exercising, no checking social media, being productive at work, dating new people when you are ready. All things that will help.

 

Dave

[sorano]

Its going to take time. 13 months ago my ex ( the beast ) dumped me out of nowhere. Yea, It got better. There are some days I still get angry. I still am not 100% but I hope to get there very soon. I know your pain.

[sorano]

I got the gym tonight at 8. pre workout, bcaa's and I got my IGF-1 locked and loaded ready to be entered in my blood stream.

 

workout, go shopping, get new clothes, heck even lease a new car if you can. change your hair style, whatever. Just focus on you. I did all of the above.

 

we all got burned. Bad. Do what some of us told you. It will start to get better. Yes, there will be times where you will relapse. Just let it out when you do. Even if you have to cry for hrs. Let it out.