Guy at work making moves on my girlfriend

[King Robby]

Hey! I'll try to make this concise and not bore you guys:

 

My gf's 23, I'm 24, we've been together over 2 years. We met at work, we don't directly work together, I'm self employed but I do work at the business where she works, and that's how we met.

We used to hang out in that staff room for like a hour after everyone else had locked up and gone home just chatting and eventually that led to drinks after work, and then dinner and now, she's absolutely the love of my life.

 

When we'd been together just about a year we went travelling round Australasia and Southeast Asia for 7 months and got back home about 8 months ago now. We moved in together pretty quickly after we came home, and, and i must stress this, we've been very happy. I'm very happy in our relationship. I love her very much, and she's my best friend!

 

Now last week this new guy starts working with my gf, like directly with her, she's responsible for all his training, he works alongside her and directly reports to her.

I didnt really think anything of it, i met him, thought he was alright. He's immature, the kind of guy who would describe himself as a "lad", but alright and certainly seemed keen to be matey with me.

 

Then I didnt work there for a few days till yesterday and i picked up straight away something was off! I'm a guy right, and in my teens i pribably fancied myself as a bit of a ladies man too, so I know what the guys doing!! I see the way he looks at her, the way he follows around, i sit down with her for like 5 mins and boom he pops up all matey! I know he's flirting with her.

 

Then today it was just driving me nuts! To the point I was getting p*ssed off! He might be a flirty guy, whatever, I don't care, but he was actively flirting with my gf whenever i walked in i'd catch him.

 

Not just that but she isnt exactly discouraging him! Like id be exaggerating if i said she was flirting with him but to my eyes it looked like she was lapping it up. Like i know the girl. Yeah she's only giving him 'banter' but that would normally be reserved for me and frankly I feel uncomfortable with her talkig to him like that that.

Then this girl who works there actively comes up to me like "Robby, have you seen [dumbwit] flirting with [my gf], its super disrespectful, blah blah blah"

Like what guy wants be told that!!? I feel like a f*cking mug!!!!

 

I haven't been home tonight anyways because I had family stuff to do and its probably a good thing because i feel like i'm going to explode at her more than whats fair, like i just need to calm down and plan a rational next move.

 

I am not a jealous guy and right now, I'm jealous, that means that we've got serious issues. I love the girl, like i see a future with the girl, marriage, kids, like I want it! BUT like I'm not going to hang around to be played like a fool!! Like I don't know what the girls doing! This guys an idiot, it sounds arrogant but seriously he's got nothing on me, and nothing on us! He's a scrawny little thing, he's got two kids by two different women, the guys a train wreck.

 

I guess i just need some advice on handling this. Like, honestly, i dont want us to be over, and i dont want to push her away, but i am mad right now!

[thefooloftheyear]

I dunno....These topics come up often , and all you will likely get are the women will tell you that you are over reacting and are too controlling -and the guys may sympathize with you...

 

If she's encouraging it, though, that's your problem right there, buddy...Despite what some women say, women don't just "get attention from men"....I know women who would rate a 9 or 10 in anyone's book and they never get hit on, unless they wanted to..Some women just know how to handle it and don't play that game..

 

You sound like a mature 24 year old, and she sounds just about right....Just talk to her about it, I suppose, and tell her it bothers you..Cant say if this is the case here, but if you live long enough and interact with enough women, you will realize that some women absolutely need men to dote on them...They are usually insecure types, and need that for validation....Healthy and mature women don't generally engage in that type of back and forth-esp when in a committed relationship..not to mention it looks bad in a work type environment(for her and him)..

 

Good luck, man

 

TFY

[Weezy1973]

You can't control her, but you can tell her how it makes you feel. Have you discussed each other's personal boundaries?

 

People can absolutely shut down flirting if they want to, but your girlfriend doesn't seem to be. That is the problem. Don't focus any anger on the "lad". This is an issue with your girlfriend seemingly liking the attention.

[King Robby]

I dunno....These topics come up often , and all you will likely get are the women will tell you that you are over reacting and are too controlling -and the guys may sympathize with you...

Im genuinely not controlling though, I'm a very laid back guy! I'm not insecure and I don't get jealous easily, in fact I've never felt jealous in a relationship before now! But having other people coming up to me because they've noticed what's going on, that's just too much! Like how would any guy feel!

 

If she's encouraging it, though, that's your problem right there, buddy...

Right! And of course why wouldn't he like her, she's drop dead gorgeous and funny and take-charge BUT she's feisty, if she wanted to shut it down she would give him what for and shut it down! Even if she's not flirting with him, she IS engaging in 'banter' with him and she must see the way he is with her.

 

She keeps trying too like involve me, so like they'll be on a cigarette break and she'll be calling me over to them, or they'll be walking past where I'm working and she'll be shouting over to me, like trying to involve me in what they're skiing about. It isn't like she's trying to shut me out, she does want me there but like it just p*sses me off to be in their company. I feel like a fool letting him flirt with her in front of me!

 

Honestly my inner guy would love to deck him and wipe that little smile off but you can't exactly go around punching new staff can you. And it doesn't really solve the problem anyway, he's annoying, but the problem is with me and her!

 

You sound like a mature 24 year old, and she sounds just about right....Just talk to her about it, I suppose, and tell her it bothers you..Cant say if this is the case here, but if you live long enough and interact with enough women, you will realize that some women absolutely need men to dote on them...They are usually insecure types, and need that for validation....Healthy and mature women don't generally engage in that type of back and forth-esp when in a committed relationship..not to mention it looks bad in a work type environment(for her and him)..

I'll talk to her tomorrow hopefully with a clearer head!

 

She's not that type though! Like she's never been desperate for guys attention or to be in a relationship. In fact a couple of guys at work have asked her out before, and she's straight up shut it down, once before we were together and once when this guy didn't know she had a bf!

 

Thanks mate

[Friskyone4u]

Robby,

 

Buddy, concentrate on where the problem is. if she is so drop dead gorgeous that she has guys attention all the time, she knows damm well how to pour ice water on his balls and stop the flirting.

 

She is your problem because she is NOT according to you discouraging this flirting.

 

You know her best and no one here knows anything other than your gut has you pissed off enough that you have smoke coming out of your ears. so don't buy into this garbage that you are some control freak. You know what you have seen and heard, and others experiences does not mean crap.

[King Robby]

You can't control her, but you can tell her how it makes you feel.

Im going to wait till tommorrow, clearer head hopefully, right now I just want to be like 'it's him or me, pick!'

 

Have you discussed each other's personal boundaries?

Not in those words no, we've always discussed stuff as and when it arises, but like there's got to be a level of common sense, no?

 

People can absolutely shut down flirting if they want to, but your girlfriend doesn't seem to be. That is the problem. Don't focus any anger on the "lad". This is an issue with your girlfriend seemingly liking the attention.

Hmm yeah!

 

 

(. . . He is an annoying little **** though)

[King Robby]

Buddy, concentrate on where the problem is. if she is so drop dead gorgeous that she has guys attention all the time, she knows damm well how to pour ice water on his balls and stop the flirting.

Exactly! If she wanted could probably shut it down with just a bloody look!! She's engaging with him! Yes she does keep calling me over with 'Robby this' & 'Robby that' but she wouldn't normally be like that at work! But there's so much time I'm not there, that it's just the two of them, and I'm just not comfortable with any of that!

 

You know her best and no one here knows anything other than your gut has you pissed off enough that you have smoke coming out of your ears.

literally do!!!

so don't buy into this garbage that you are some control freak. You know what you have seen and heard, and others experiences does not mean crap.

Thanks man, I'm honestly not controlling, I don't believe any guy or girl for that matter, would be happy in this situation!

I feel like we are on the edge of everything we have falling apart, and that's a heartbreaking concept

[MrDuck]

I'd be mad too man! I think before you talk to her you should work out what resolution would resolve the situation for you... i.e. What you would need her to do, in order that you would feel okay!

 

After all it's better to know and be able to present that to her than be wishy washy!

[King Robby]

I'd be mad too man! I think before you talk to her you should work out what resolution would resolve the situation for you... i.e. What you would need her to do, in order that you would feel okay!

 

After all it's better to know and be able to present that to her than be wishy washy!

 

Right, I mean I accept she has to work with him, and work closely with him. I accept that he's one of these immature guys that thinks acting as laddy as possible makes him cool or hard or whatever he's trying to be. I can't change either of those two things.

 

But, I'd be a happier man if she was keeping her relationship with him the same as every other girl in places relationship with him. I don't like this 'special relationship' that seems to be developing, i don't like that he's been in the damn place like 5 mins and he's getting so close to her, i don't like the way she's being with him, the jokey banter that she wouldnt have with anyone else (except me). She knows he's bloody flirting with her, shes not an idiot, yet she'll still sit with him in the staff room, like wtf!

 

And I also don't like the way shes dragging me in. I feel like thats making a fool out of me. The "omg Robby, come here, did you see what he just did". Like just yesterday she was calling me for something, and he imitates her "Robby, Robby" in a stupid voice, like, how childish can you get!

 

He's p!ssing me off too because dont act all matey with me while you flirt with MY girlfriend!! Like I wouldnt stand for that in the real word, but like i say my work is tightly linked with the buisness so what can i do, i dont want to cause to many shockwaves, but at the same time, like you cant just keep pushing and pushing a fella!

[King Robby]

^ I feel like my sleep on it and calm down, plan didn't really work! :mad:

 

I'd love to be really calm and cool when I talk to her, because that's always how we have our best discussions, but on this, I'm struggling!

[mikeylo]

Dude, the problem is your gf. The other guy tried and she , instead of discouraging and rejecting him , is encouraging him. He has no reason to stop. She disrespected you and of course gave him the right to disrespect you in return.

 

She has shown you her real self. I guess if you have to talk to someone and make them aware that this behavior is not acceptable to you , then well, you don't share same values anyway. This is basic relationship requirement, no matter how you put it.

 

Again, no matter how you talk to her about it , she will justify her behavior with everything in the book. Like, it's nothing, it's meaningless, she is a people's person, she is friendly and worldly , you are jealous , controlling , have low self esteem , are seeing things, etc etc etc EXCEPT, acknowledge. Worst to come , she acknowledges then asks you to be patient till she sorts herself out aka,you get used to it.

 

The talk won't go well. Your dumping her will. There are more than 2 people in this 'relationship' and will always be.

[todreaminblue]

wait until you feel calm...and talk to her....let her know others have noticed its not just you..if she asks you who has said something be honest...be open tell the truth... and let her know when people tell you it makes you feel foolish...but be calm..or this will go south..

 

try to set some boundaries that you both agree on at work and in situations like this in the future..discuss some strategies that would be best to use.....hit the nail on the head before you lose the handle on the hammer.......... understand she could be embarrassed by this, that others are talking about her...be firm ...be kind....be right...if she blows up ...walk away...say later ....we will talk when you calm down a bit/.....let her think for a while.......dont let the discussion get heated into an argument.....good luck...deb

Edited March 1, 2017 by todreaminblue

[King Robby]

Dude, the problem is your gf. The other guy tried and she , instead of discouraging and rejecting him , is encouraging him. He has no reason to stop. She disrespected you and of course gave him the right to disrespect you in return.

My problem is with her, mostly!

But if you rock up at a new job and start blatantly hitting on another mans gf then you are, the definition of a *****

He's well and truly in my bad books too.

 

She has shown you her real self. I guess if you have to talk to someone and make them aware that this behavior is not acceptable to you , then well, you don't share same values anyway. This is basic relationship requirement, no matter how you put it.

He's the thing right, I'm definitely raging, and I'll tell you that I will walk before I'm made a fool out of, and i mean it.

But the thought of having to do that, is heart shattering. She is the love of my life. Last month, I put money away for a ring, thats the truth.

And in the heat of my anger, i could walk, but i think truthfully, i would kick myself for running away with something because it got tough, and it started to not go all my way. Like, i feel like, i have to try, to see if its fixable. I love her.

 

She is a people's person, she is friendly and worldly

But she's not, really those things! I'm a people person, she's not.

you are jealous , controlling , have low self esteem , are seeing things,

And I am not these things. I never have been! Too laid back? Maybe. A little cocky? Maybe. But jealous and insure? No!

In fact i was in half a mind the other day like "ah he's just one of those guys, 10 a penny in every bar, bit immature, over compensating. Its not like i cant handle a guy like that, i thought id just give him the benefit of the doubt for a bit and hope he just settles down. But having other people coming up to me, thats a whole different matter, thats a wake-up-Robby-and-act call!

[Noideanow]

Then its time to get jealous and act on it tell her your boundaries what you like and dont like i dont understand How people so easily accept their loved One working close with or flirting with other opposite sex-members while at that moment neglecting the relationship, as if its the least important:( she could Be using the flirt to get attention from you, do you too give each other enough of that? If you could do more\feel like it, next time they talk walk over and grab her take her avay someplace where you too Can connect, or tell her to quit the job and Work with you instead:confused:

[mikeylo]

Let me play devils advocate here.

 

He came, flirted. SHE didn't put him in his place. If she did and even then he kept on doing it , then your anger etc is justified against him. But he is doing because she is participating in it. She likes it. Assuming this guy leaves. I can bet you , there will be another one somewhere who will take his place to flirt with her. So, it's not them. It's her.

 

Like TFY said, the really attractive people get hit on every moment of the day but they know how to accept the compliment gracefully, take it in stride but leave it at just that. Those who have to go through the over board thing like your gf, they might be physically attractive but nothing more. The most shallow and insecure.

 

You can go blue in the face , give her a warning , be understanding of her childhood issues but it won't give you want you need. A decent , respectable person with whom you can feel proud standing next to you. She will cause you embarrassment wherever you go. You wouldn't want to be seen with her.

 

I guess, you want to try. Do it. Then you can leave with no regrets.

[King Robby]

wait until you feel calm...and talk to her....let her know others have noticed its not just you..if she asks you who has said something be honest...be open tell the truth... and let her know when people tell you it makes you feel foolish...but be calm..or this will go south..

Yeah yeah! I hear you! Its hard though, like its hard to stay level headed when I think about it i get worked up again.

 

try to set some boundaries that you both agree on at work and in situations like this in the future..discuss some strategies that would be best to use.....hit the nail on the head before you lose the handle on the hammer..........

I don't really know what to say. Like i get she works with him, and other guys not just him, i dont mind her being friendly with them, i dont mind her having jokes with them, of course i dont! But somewhere this as crossed a line, he's actively flirting, i dont feel good about that, it leads me to question our future and so thats a really bad thing.

 

understand she could be embarrassed by this, that others are talking about her...be firm ...be kind....be right...if she blows up ...walk away...say later ....we will talk when you calm down a bit/.....let her think for a while.......dont let the discussion get heated into an argument.....good luck...deb

Right, for all me saying i feel a fool, she's making a bigger damn fool out of herself! From what I've been hearing she's making herself the talk of the place! Particularly when the guy is a complete waste of space, deadbeat, idiot! Like it's a joke! Everyone already thinks he's an idiot, yet she's meant to be the in charge of these people and she's letting him make her look like idiot too!

But your totally right, a shouting match never resolves anything so its just a waste of energy! It only serves to hurt a relationship further! That's not what i want! And i dont want to come in like the 'big bad controlling boyfriend' thats not who i am and its not what i want to do.

[mikeylo]

Then its time to get jealous and act on it tell her your boundaries what you like and dont like i dont understand How people so easily accept their loved One working close with or flirting with other opposite sex-members while at that moment neglecting the relationship, as if its the least important:( she could Be using the flirt to get attention from you, do you too give each other enough of that? If you could do more\feel like it, next time they talk walk over and grab her take her avay someplace where you too Can connect, or tell her to quit the job and Work with you instead:confused:

 

I guess if someone doesn't have common sense,then there is no point in discussing things with them. They will drain you out with their justifications. It's a no win situation.

 

If the roles were reversed, even then it would be identical.

[Poutrew]

I don't see anything good coming from this. If the talk goes well, she will tell you what you want to hear, but the flirting will go on, OR, she will tell you that you are acting like a child and that those other workers noticing things should stay out of her business, and you are being controlling. If you get violent, then she will make regular visits to the guy's hospital room and buy him flowers, and she will even spend the night with him to 'keep him from being alone' - but it wont matter to you because you will be sitting in jail after being arrested for battery and being fired. Just about the only way to remain on the high side with a girlfriend who disrespects you by accepting flirting from another man right under your nose is to walk out of the relationship and finding another woman who values you. Remember, this is a power play on her part - she is telling you that she is in charge because she can find another man to make her vag tingle, so you had better never forget your place ... the only way to regain your power is to walk away with your male ego and integrity intact.

[kgcolonel]

One thing here...early on you state that she is trying to involve you on smoke breaks etc....this in my mind is her asking you to step in and intervene and show the other guy, you two are a couple. Sounds as if she is supervising him and it becomes very tough for a new / younger person to define and establish boundaries at work between professional friendly and inappropriately friendly.

 

I would approach her like this: Hey, I noticed new guy spending a lot of time with you. Do you think he is conducting himself appropriately? I appreciate you asking my to join you, are you looking to send a message to curb his behavior? If you get a yes I need to let him know I'm taken then...Next time I would "mark my territory". Walk out with them and when you begin to light up, put your arm around her and give her a big kiss and begin to talk about your next big plans.....if he still is behaving poorly, she will simply have to overtly shut him down in a hard way.

[King Robby]

She could Be using the flirt to get attention from you, do you too give each other enough of that?

She already has my attention! Honestly, we were watching something on telly can only have been like a fortnight ago and she was telling me like "Honestly this dating stuff is awful, i'm so glad I never have to do that again, I've got my man and thats that." Like two weeks ago!!! We're not massively affectionate at work because its improfessional! But its no secret that we're together!

 

If you could do more\feel like it, next time they talk walk over and grab her take her away someplace where you too Can connect

I did the other day, i was like can we just hang out some place else, but i dont feel like i should have to compete for MY girlfriend, i just dont!

 

or tell her to quit the job and Work with you instead:confused:

I don't want to be that guy and i certainly don't want to have a relationship that only works if i keep her with me under lock and key.

Like, I'm a catch! I've never been short of female attention, she either wants to be with me or she doesn't! If she'd rather be with him, she needs her head checking!

[King Robby]

Like TFY said, the really attractive people get hit on every moment of the day but they know how to accept the compliment gracefully, take it in stride but leave it at just that. Those who have to go through the over board thing like your gf, they might be physically attractive but nothing more. The most shallow and insecure.

 

She knows how to shut down guys. She's done it before. She is no push over! Like that's not the issue. Which makes the situation a little worse.

 

But the other thing is, its not like he's complimenting her. Not like guys in the past. Its all banter, he's pushing her "you haven't done that very well, have you", "Yours isnt as good as my one" that kind of stuff. And the thing is, to a lesser extent, that's our dynamic, mine and hers, obviously as a relationship grows it deepens and there's a lot more to our relationship than flirty banter but we will still tease each other like that! I think that's why it rubs me up the wrong way soooo much, because i know that she responds to that!

 

The thing is aswell that i've listened to the guy and I dont think he's just he's just pushing her "flirtingly", i think he's also testing her authority quite a lot. "Yeah yeah, calm down, i'll do it in a bit" just isnt acceptable in the work place. He's undermining her. She has a reputation at work for being very stong but he's making her look weak, and thats another thing that i reallyyy dont like!

[doyathinkso]

Maybe it's time that someone (hint hint) the next time he mouths off insubordinately takes him by both shoulders, backs him hard up against a wall, and tells him that the next time he steps out of line like that you will do everything in your power to see that his employment is terminated.

[DKT3]

If a person allows someone to flirt with them on this level it's because there is an attraction, an interest and they enjoy it. That is your problem, it seems to me that you've kinda transferred or misplaced your distain. Honestly, the guy is only doing what she is allowing him to do, nothing says she has to spend so much time with him, it's happening because she is attracted to and enjoy his company.

 

Men tend to not want to press the issue for fear of coming across as controlling which seems to be the go to for women with poor boundaries.

 

Here is how you handle it, tell her your simply uncomfortable with the amount of time she spends with him. If she is serious about you and the relationship she will fix the problem. Don't make it about what she is doing what he is doing only how it makes you feel.

[King Robby]

One thing here...early on you state that she is trying to involve you on smoke breaks etc....this in my mind is her asking you to step in and intervene and show the other guy, you two are a couple. Sounds as if she is supervising him and it becomes very tough for a new / younger person to define and establish boundaries at work between professional friendly and inappropriately friendly.

Yeah she is. Like i say, everyone knows we're together, but we dont make a massive deal out of it at work, because its work. Theres people there we consider friends who see more of our relationship outside of work but at work we're... very friendly but interdependent not lovey-dovey or anything. This constant calling me over, isn't like her either! Its grating on me in a way, because obviously i want to talk to her, but i dont want to be dragged in to her and his banter, i dont want to be matey with the guy I want to punch him in the face

 

But like i just said to Mikey he's not complimenting her, Its all banter, he's pushing her "you haven't done that very well, have you", "Yours isnt as good as my one" that kind of stuff. And the thing is, to a lesser extent, that's our dynamic, mine and hers, obviously as a relationship grows it deepens and there's a lot more to our relationship than flirty banter but we will still tease each other like that! I think that's why it rubs me up the wrong way soooo much, because i know that she responds to that!

 

And that i've listened to the guy and I dont think he's just he's just pushing her "flirtingly", i think he's also testing her authority quite a lot. "Yeah yeah, calm down, i'll do it in a bit" just isnt acceptable in the work place. He's undermining her. She has a reputation at work for being very stong but he's making her look weak, and thats another thing that i reallyyy dont like!!

 

And i understand that he's a big character, i think he's behaviour is actually being quite dominating, and i think he is really testing her authority in a way no one else there has ever dared to do! But what i cant get my head round is why she doesn't just disengage and lay down the law!! She's never cared about being unpopular for the good of the job before, there's not reason why shes trying to be matey with him and act like its no big deal! A lot of the other staff there already hate him.

 

I would approach her like this: Hey, I noticed new guy spending a lot of time with you. Do you think he is conducting himself appropriately? I appreciate you asking my to join you, are you looking to send a message to curb his behavior? If you get a yes I need to let him know I'm taken then...Next time I would "mark my territory". Walk out with them and when you begin to light up (I don't even smoke, like I'm being called over just to stand in the rain with them) put your arm around her and give her a big kiss and begin to talk about your next big plans.....if he still is behaving poorly, she will simply have to overtly shut him down in a hard way.

Hmm yeah, maybe it would be better to go in more gently like that! Like i really dont want to go in all guns blazing, after all its not my style, and its not a style i think she'll react well too, i think it'll put her straight on the defensive. But i also dont want to seem like its not a big deal to me because it is!

[kgcolonel]

I really really suggest you start the conversation with a non-aggressive question as Hey, I noticed this.....be quiet and let her respond....this way she won't feel attacked

 

If you truly want to resolve this, do not come at her in a confrontational way....that will only put her in a defensive mode and it will not end well for you or you two as a couple.