Guy at work making moves on my girlfriend

[King Robby]

Maybe it's time that someone (hint hint) the next time he mouths off insubordinately takes him by both shoulders, backs him hard up against a wall, and tells him that the next time he steps out of line like that you will do everything in your power to see that his employment is terminated.

Ohhh its what I soooo want to do!!!!! Its what he's asking for!!

 

But

A) I feel like the company would frown upon me roughing up the new guy

 

B) I feel like if i do that, I'm undermining her even more! I'm self employed and contracted in a completely different role, she's manager of the section, she's in charge of him and she got there on her own merit! She's the youngest manager they've ever had because shes damn good at the job! I feel like I make her look weak if i interfere! Even if i think he bloody deserves it!

[Noideanow]

Just a comment to your last post, i think she Deep Down likes him questioning her autority that its "sexy"and shows hes the One with the pants on and a feminine woman likes that, hees not a "doormat" looking up to her "authority" im afraid she wants him,

[King Robby]

If a person allows someone to flirt with them on this level it's because there is an attraction, an interest and they enjoy it.

Yeah! I agree!

 

That is your problem, it seems to me that you've kinda transferred or misplaced your distain. Honestly, the guy is only doing what she is allowing him to do

No, like i have complete distain for the guy, he has no redeeming features and I hate him.

But it's her I'm mad at! Because its her that is risking everything we have so cheaply!! Its her thats letting him get away with it. Its her thats making a fool out of me. Its her that should have my back, like shes always had in the past!

 

nothing says she has to spend so much time with him.

Unfortunately she kind of does, like there isnt all that much way around that. Its the dynamic between them thats p*ssing me off!

 

Here is how you handle it, tell her your simply uncomfortable with the amount of time she spends with him. If she is serious about you and the relationship she will fix the problem. Don't make it about what she is doing what he is doing only how it makes you feel.

Yeah? You dont think that makes it looks like my feelings are unfounded, when there are hard concrete justifications for why i'm feeling like that??

[Noideanow]

If you want such a bossy dominating masculine kind of woman this is what you get trouble put her in her Place (If possible or probably better just walk away) those woman Will Be unfaithful:( If you Are a man Be a MAN it Seems more like she is the man the way you talk about her:(

[DKT3]

Yeah! I agree!

 

 

No, like i have complete distain for the guy, he has no redeeming features and I hate him.

But it's her I'm mad at! Because its her that is risking everything we have so cheaply!! Its her thats letting him get away with it. Its her thats making a fool out of me. Its her that should have my back, like shes always had in the past!

 

 

Unfortunately she kind of does, like there isnt all that much way around that. Its the dynamic between them thats p*ssing me off!

 

 

Yeah? You dont think that makes it looks like my feelings are unfounded, when there are hard concrete justifications for why i'm feeling like that??

 

She has to work with him, she is choosing to take her breaks with him, so no she doesn't have to spend as much time with him.

 

You really don't need to justify how her actions make you feel. Simply state the actions and how you feel about them. In the end it has to be her that puts an end to this, you for she isn't willing to then she isn't someone you need to invest any more time or emotions on.

 

You set your boundaries it's then up to her if it's something she can live with.

[mikeylo]

I don't see anything good coming from this. If the talk goes well, she will tell you what you want to hear, but the flirting will go on, OR, she will tell you that you are acting like a child and that those other workers noticing things should stay out of her business, and you are being controlling. If you get violent, then she will make regular visits to the guy's hospital room and buy him flowers, and she will even spend the night with him to 'keep him from being alone' - but it wont matter to you because you will be sitting in jail after being arrested for battery and being fired. Just about the only way to remain on the high side with a girlfriend who disrespects you by accepting flirting from another man right under your nose is to walk out of the relationship and finding another woman who values you. Remember, this is a power play on her part - she is telling you that she is in charge because she can find another man to make her vag tingle, so you had better never forget your place ... the only way to regain your power is to walk away with your male ego and integrity intact.

 

^^^^ this. Couldn't have analyzed better. This one sentence sums it up all.

 

OP, you need to walk away.

[King Robby]

Just a comment to your last post, i think she Deep Down likes him questioning her autority that its "sexy"and shows hes the One with the pants on and a feminine woman likes that, hees not a "doormat" looking up to her "authority" im afraid she wants him,

 

Right, because its our dynamic! I challenge her, in a way that other guys, other people, don't and haven't. I don't let her walk over me! And likewise one of the things i like about her is she wouldnt let me walk over her either, we balance out well.

 

But thats what rattles me, more than if he was following her round professing how beautiful or wonderful she is, because i know that thats what she's attracted to because after all it worked for us!!!

 

 

But the crazzyyy thing is she has that with me!! And he's got two women pregnant, and proceeded to cheat on them both, no money, in debt, no house, no future, nothing. And not even being arrogant but I'm better looking, more intelligent, more stable, i have a higher level of EQ, more popular, more athletic, better at my job, less useless, like seriously, If she'd throw away us for him, like, she needs a brain scan! Honestly!! I'm just ranting now but It blows my mind!! :confused:

[King Robby]

She has to work with him, she is choosing to take her breaks with him, so no she doesn't have to spend as much time with him.

Yeah, right! That's true!

 

You really don't need to justify how her actions make you feel. Simply state the actions and how you feel about them. In the end it has to be her that puts an end to this, you for she isn't willing to then she isn't someone you need to invest any more time or emotions on.

 

You set your boundaries it's then up to her if it's something she can live with.

Yeah absolutely! Like if he's more important than me then, we certainly don't have what thought we did!

If she wants to be with him, then I pity the girl!

[duncsvoice]

Man, I feel for you.

 

My ex-fiance was open about a guy flirting with her at work, cocky, young 'lad' like you describe.

 

She disclosed that he was starting to get a bit touchy with her and it made her feel uncomfortable, but not enough for her to start a full blown emotional affair, which came to a head when I caught her texting him good news before telling me, the man she was going to marry.

 

Absolutely no coming back from that.

 

If a girl pulls that with me again, and favours flirting with a guy at work for some cheap thrills, she's welcome for his shoulder to cry on.

[doyathinkso]

Well, you know, maybe it's time to start looking for another apartment. Ask her if she wants laddy-boy to take your place on the lease.

[King Robby]

Well, you know, maybe it's time to start looking for another apartment. Ask her if she wants laddy-boy to take your place on the lease.

 

It's jumping the gun because i haven't even spoken to her yet, I'll do it when she gets home, its not an over the phone kinda thing but mateee if she wants to be with him then there's nothing i can do about that, I wont stand in her way but I sure as hell will keep the house and will keep our dog!

[mikeylo]

[quote=King Robby;. I don't let her walk over me! And likewise one of the things i like about her is she wouldnt let me walk over her either, we balance out

:

 

This is exactly what that sentence by Poutrew says !

 

Your ex gf has challenged you that while SHE can walk over you but YOU can't. Beginning of abuse...

[King Robby]

This is exactly what that sentence by Poutrew says !

Your ex gf has challenged you that while SHE can walk over you but YOU can't. Beginning of abuse...

 

When exactly did I say that!? I said

I challenge her, in a way that other guys, other people, don't and haven't. I don't let her walk over me!

She has never walked over me!

Your making some pretty damn big, and false, assumptions based on thin air!

 

And she is not my ex gf! That's actually pretty straight up disrespectful mate!!!

[Imajerk17]

But the crazzyyy thing is she has that with me!! And he's got two women pregnant, and proceeded to cheat on them both, no money, in debt, no house, no future, nothing. And not even being arrogant but I'm better looking, more intelligent, more stable, i have a higher level of EQ, more popular, more athletic, better at my job, less useless, like seriously, If she'd throw away us for him, like, she needs a brain scan! Honestly!! I'm just ranting now but It blows my mind!! :confused:

 

It's weird as hell mate, but I have seen a lot of cases where women "affair down", as in WAY down, as your girlfriend is close to doing with this guy. It's like the more the loser the guy is, the less the women can resist themselves. It's an utterly bizarre phenomenon that even women don't get about themselves.

 

I really don't know what to tell you, except that your girlfriend seems to be under his spell in a way and it isn't getting better. Women will disagree w me on this advice, but you could try breaking the spell by tooling him the next time you see him at work. OR you could take him aside and tell him you've been hearing things and he better behave himself. I'd also be considering the nuclear option of breaking up with her.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Space Ritual]

For someone who has literally responded to everyone that you realize that your GF is the problem and not the new guy, you sure keep bringing him up alot and assigning an overwhelming amount of blame on him.

 

Just remember if it wasn't this guy at work it would be someone else. She enjoys all of this cat and mouse game the guy is playing and she enjoys it even more because it is being played right under your nose.

 

The others are correct in their assessment of the situation.

 

Just remember that when she is calling you over when this guy is around and flirting with her that she is half wanting you to assert yourself and half rubbing it in your face.

 

In her mind she is putting you to the test. She is not shutting this guy down because she enjoys the ego kibbles this guy is feeding her and eventually if he keeps doing it right in front of you she is going to come to the conclusion that you won't stand up for yourself. Thus far in her mind you are failing the test you did not even know you were taking.

 

 

You are in a no win situation on this one. If this guy reports to her will be there constantly. He'll have every opportunity to impress her on a continuous basis. That is something you will be hard pressed to compete with even if you do work there on occasion. She has already seen your entire repertoire over the last 8 months or so. She is testing the waters to see what this new guy has in his arsenal.

 

I hate to say it, but at the current rate your relationship with her is going to soon see it's last sunrise.

 

If you allow her to continue with the behavior, she'll keep at it and view you as a beta boy. If you put your foot down on this she will accuse you of being a control freak and start getting her ego kibbles from this guy on the down low. And that is a recipe for disaster.

 

I think you should cut your losses now. You've been together less than a year and she is showing you who she is. That, in the scope of your life is not a boatload of time invested, so in light of that I would not even have think about it. I'd be releasing her to her destiny.

[Space Ritual]

But the crazzyyy thing is she has that with me!! And he's got two women pregnant, and proceeded to cheat on them both, no money, in debt, no house, no future, nothing. And not even being arrogant but I'm better looking, more intelligent, more stable, i have a higher level of EQ, more popular, more athletic, better at my job, less useless, like seriously, If she'd throw away us for him, like, she needs a brain scan! Honestly!! I'm just ranting now but It blows my mind!! :confused:

 

Again to my point. It does not matter what you think you are, your GF has already seen your entire act in the last 8 months and for whatever reason is more than happy to find out more about this guy.

 

This quote of yours is probably the best evidence on this entire thread that your relationship is pretty much over.

[mikeylo]

When exactly did I say that!? I said

 

She has never walked over me!

Your making some pretty damn big, and false, assumptions based on thin air!

 

And she is not my ex gf! That's actually pretty straight up disrespectful mate!!!

 

Yes , you haven't said that but you better should. For your well being. Honestly man, she has crossed the line. She knows it and you know it. It can't be ' uncrossed '. Rather , she is enjoying and throwing it in your face.

 

Good luck and take care. Grieve the loss for what you thought you had but never actually did. Sorry man !

[Try]

She has to work with him, she is choosing to take her breaks with him, so no she doesn't have to spend as much time with him.

 

You really don't need to justify how her actions make you feel. Simply state the actions and how you feel about them. In the end it has to be her that puts an end to this, you for she isn't willing to then she isn't someone you need to invest any more time or emotions on.

 

You set your boundaries it's then up to her if it's something she can live with.

This is one of the best post in the thread. Like the post says "She has to work with him, she is choosing to take her breaks with him, so no she doesn't have to spend as much time with him", and you need to "set your boundaries" with her on this.

 

My wife and I have had written mutual boundaries for a number of years that we both agreed to. One such boundary is that we cannot eat or drink alone with a member of the opposite sex, and that we are each to avoid all date like situations with members of the opposite sex. The nice thing about boundaries is that you do not need to claim or prove cheating to get them to stop doing something that violates a mutual boundary. All you have to say is that they need to stop doing it because it crosses an agreed upon boundary, without having to dealing with them saying that it is OK because it is platonic. Platonic or not, it is not OK if it crosses a boundary.

[Try]

Just remember that when she is calling you over when this guy is around and flirting with her that she is half wanting you to assert yourself and half rubbing it in your face.

 

In her mind she is putting you to the test. She is not shutting this guy down because she enjoys the ego kibbles this guy is feeding her and eventually if he keeps doing it right in front of you she is going to come to the conclusion that you won't stand up for yourself. Thus far in her mind you are failing the test you did not even know you were taking.

This test is often called a $hit test. Many women unconsciously do this when evaluating their man. She is not a bad person for doing this, because for many women it just part of the mating compatible process. You may not like it, but it is what it is.

[King Robby]

For someone who has literally responded to everyone that you realize that your GF is the problem and not the new guy, you sure keep bringing him up alot and assigning an overwhelming amount of blame on him.

I get that but, tbh i don't think i'd be quite human if i was able to feel totally neutral towards him.

 

I think you should cut your losses now. You've been together less than a year and she is showing you who she is. That, in the scope of your life is not a boatload of time invested, so in light of that I would not even have think about it.

Over two years, probably coming up to two and a half now. Travelled the world together, live together, co-parent a dog together (haha), shes not just some girl i'm dating for a few months. I wouldnt be in a tiz if she was!

[King Robby]

I didn't go in too harsh I said like the way he is with her is making me really uncomfortable and that i wasnt happy.

 

She said that like that she knows he's cocky & a flirt & obnoxious but that he's just one of those guys, you cant take him seriously, yada yada, that he's not a threat to us!

 

Which just isnt for her to say. He IS a threat to us, simply because I feel he is, and i know what kind of guy he is but my issue is with her! Which is what I said and that she should be shutting him down but she isn't, shes encouraging it more than any other girl in the place!

 

She was like 'what! I'm not encouraging it. I get it, I get you're uncomfortable with him. He's full on, sometimes too full on but like I'm managing it! (Insert a load of work stuff about having to show she can hold a team together to the manager yada yada, for the record this is true, it is an issue but not an excuse) Robby, I talk about you all the time, I make it so damn clear we are together, i make it so damn clear i'm in love with you, i am in love with you! You have nothing to worry about"

 

But to me this is a big deal and she needs to know how big of a deal so i told her that i am not overreacting that other people are coming up to me asking what the hell is the deal with him and her. (This really surprised her, and she asked who and i told her).

 

She wasn't expecting that, she was like that is two people you know don't like me, you know have caused problems for me before, like Robby please please please talk to me, before you talk to people like that!

 

(which just struck a nerve, I've just had so much built up anger over this i got angry) I was maybe more harsh than i intended, like "I'm not talking to anyone, AJ you're the talk of the whole place and you are doing that to yourself! You're looking like a joke, you're letting him make a complete fool out of you and you're also making me look a fool."

 

That upset her.

 

And then i told her i just needed to take 10 because i couldn't think.

So i was out on the deck and then after a while she came out and she wasn't defensive. She was like: 'I'll go in tomorrow and tell [manager] that i can't work with him, that he needs to move section or i'll hand in my notice, you are more important than any other guy and any job. I know he's flirting, but I had so many problems with [girls who talked to me regarding her flirting yesterday] like I'm under so much pressure to prove i can run a team and i'm not at the centre of every personnel problem! I thought i couldnt could just be friendly and he'd stop when he got the picture we were happy and solid! I am not flirting back with him. I'm not encouraging him. Like you have to know that! I just thought i was handling it!

 

 

So i was like yeah.

Honestly i think she should, I'm not someone to impose a load of rules and regs on my partner BUT like i just don't see a resolution for us with her working with him every day, i just don't.

 

So i don't know really, i guess that is better, I still feel like, I dunno, like shaken in our relationship, like a little less secure, its weird, its raw, i dunno.

[kgcolonel]

I get that but, tbh i don't think i'd be quite human if i was able to feel totally neutral towards him.

 

 

Over two years, probably coming up to two and a half now. Travelled the world together, live together, co-parent a dog together (haha), shes not just some girl i'm dating for a few months. I wouldnt be in a tiz if she was!

 

KR,,,I agree with your position here. Again, you need to (as a mature adult in an adult situation) have a talk with her. It is her responsibility as the "manager" to put this guy in check. If you do anything "for" her, you will be undermining her authority. Ask her if she feels threatened by his insubordination and disrespect. Tell her that it is being observed and could hurt her reputation.

 

Secondly, ask her is she is having feelings for the guy. Tell her that her inability to check this guy is not helping your relationship and is negatively reflecting on the both of you. If she's into the guy, just say so and she can have him. (You need to get your power back in this situation. Explain to her that you understand that she has to work with him, but she does not have to take the breaks with him and she does not have to take his disrespect) Tell her that she has always been viewed as an excellent leader but he is damaging that reputation.

 

You really need to be willing to walk if you are to regain equal footing in this situation. If you're not willing to walk, you are already Plan B. I know this is a tough message but it is an honest one.

[King Robby]

Women will disagree w me on this advice, but you could try breaking the spell by tooling him the next time you see him at work. OR you could take him aside and tell him you've been hearing things and he better behave himself.

 

See, i dunno wether i should talk to him next time i see him now? Like now ive spoken to her about it, and if she proceeds to talk to the manager and shes made it clear she wants him to stop .......... Is it now my place as her boyfriend to tell him to back off??? Or should i just not get involved with him??

 

Thoughts?

[King Robby]

KR,,,I agree with your position here. Again, you need to (as a mature adult in an adult situation) have a talk with her.

I did #46 , I can't say i was totally cool throughout, but its an emotionally charged situation, right!?

 

You really need to be willing to walk if you are to regain equal footing in this situation. If you're not willing to walk, you are already Plan B. I know this is a tough message but it is an honest one.

Yeah I would, like i love the girl to pieces but i'm nobodys fool, thats not love after all. I would walk if i was pushed to it!

[kgcolonel]

I did #46 , I can't say i was totally cool throughout, but its an emotionally charged situation, right!?

 

 

Yeah I would, like i love the girl to pieces but i'm nobodys fool, thats not love after all. I would walk if i was pushed to it!

 

KR, you did well!! No you do not speak with him....this is now her place to manage the situation. You have made your position known and it is up to her to take care of both her employee and your relationship.

 

Stay out of it.