My BF cheated on me with a stripper?

[fivefeetcute]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. He has always been a great guy, until he hasn't been. He is always attentive, generous, and I sued to believe, honest and faithful.

We had been having some issues for a few months because I asked to cut back on smoking (weed) habit. I never asked him to quit because I acknowledge that he enjoys it but it was excessive, to the point to where he had to smoke first before we had sex. We were living together and I felt maybe I could establish some boundaries so that we could both be comfortable. Anyways, he cut way back and we decided he'd abstain for a few months to lower his tolerance. He did, (with one relapse that he declined to tell me abouy) but he constantly seemed to be beating me over the head about cutting back. I was getting tired of it, so rather than be the bad guy and ask him to do something he didn't want to, I told him I would remove myself from the picture so he could be himself and not have to stress.I told him to start smoking again and we would give the relationship 3 weeks to see if there could be any way I could just get over the smell and the annoyance of it and just be happy. If not I'd chalk it up to incompability and I'd leave.

I had assumed he was fine with the situation and left it at that. He did not take it very well. He went to a strip club and got super drunk and spent about 400-500. 100 on stage dances and 400 on the VIP room and a bottle of champagne which itself cost like 150 or so. He told me the very next day. He told me he went that he had to be taken home and that he pissed himself. He told me about the lap dance but tried to cover up his hickies with makeup. I was devastated. We fought and argued and I kind of hated him for a long time. I should have left then. I later found out that he trickle truthed me when he admitted that he touched her ass for a brief moment when I asked him if he had touched her. He says he was black out so he does not know about the hickies. \

Since then he has been trying to prove he is trustworthy and that he ****ed up. He admits all wrong, has put up with my bad attitude, has gone to therapy, has apologized over and over, cut back on drinking majorly, went back to school, admits that he has an issue with selfishness, so on and so on.

But, in the 5 months since this has happened he has still messed up some and it's making it very very hard to trust again. I have nightmares about him cheating or going off whenever he gets upset at me. In the 5 months I caught him looking at girls on FB and asked him to please just not do it so I can have some space to heal and trust him. I caught him doing it a second time about a month later. I also asked him not to hide from me when he smokes (he's deciding to abstain until July) because it's just weed and I want to practice full transparency, but he hid it from me a second time and I found out.

I just don't understand this behavior. He does what I have asked of him, has confessed more or less, but even those tiny things make me feel he is untrustworthy and will do it again. I should mention he has had a string of dysfunctional and abusive (the woman abused him severely) relationships in his past so I recognize him going out to the clubs and avoiding conflicts by looking at fb girls is his way of dealing with his issues but it is still at my expense.

Should I give him another chance? He seems to be trying really hard but even with these two things I don't know if it will ever stop with him, and my anxiety is physically making me sick

 

I should mention we agreed that strip clubs were cheating and he did too. I didn't just get mad about this out of thin air. The betrayal is what bothers me most, coupled with the minimal trickle truthing and overall disregard for my boundaries.

 

I'm also somewhat financially dependent on him so if I did end up leaving him it would be hard. I would need an exit plan, and that would mean being with him for a few more months until I graduate and secure a job.

[Sunlight72]

Should I give him another chance?

**No**

**And he shouldn't put up with you trying to run his life either**

 

He seems to be trying really hard but even with these two things I don't know if it will ever stop with him, and my anxiety is physically making me sick

**Making you physically sick? How much more of a 'sign' do you need? He's trying really hard? It shouldn't be hard for him to be straight with you. He's acting chicken and so are you. Neither of you is being honest.**

 

I should mention we agreed that strip clubs were cheating and he did too. I didn't just get mad about this out of thin air. The betrayal is what bothers me most, coupled with the minimal trickle truthing and overall disregard for my boundaries.

**Just read what you wrote a couple more times. What he chooses to do with himself is not what you want in a relationship. What you expect him to do is not what he wants in a relationship.**

 

I'm also somewhat financially dependent on him so if I did end up leaving him it would be hard. I would need an exit plan, and that would mean being with him for a few more months until I graduate and secure a job.

**You have choices, there are other options than living with him, but you prefer the choice of living with him. If that is your choice, it's your life and you're free to chose. Just be honest with him and yourself about it.**

 

If you're not telling him this, then you are just as dishonest as he is.

 

You want him to be sober or nearly sober, and he doesn't want to be but he won't man up and tell you he likes being drunk and stoned. You KNOW he enjoys being drunk and stoned, and you don't accept that - instead you bargain with him and lie to yourself about who he is and what he enjoys.

 

You don't enjoy your relationship with him (just make a quiet moment for yourself, and then imagine him entering the room. Do you feel peaceful and happy? Or anxious, trapped and on edge?), but you want to stay with him because it's financially easier.

 

I'm not usually so direct, but this is past compromise or patience, this is two people using each other.

 

Either own up to your choice to stay in it as is, or gather some self respect and move out. Find a way.

 

Best Wishes, truly,

Sunlight

[preraph]

If he's going in the back room, he's basically having sex.

 

He has weed and alcohol problems.

 

He is selfish.

 

Bravo he went to therapy, but he is who he is and he is not about to be faithful to you or anyone else anytime soon.

 

You need to go out and get yourself two jobs asap and start saving so you can move out. I hate it when women let themselves get financially dependent and then feel they have to stay with a guy.

 

Don't give him your money either. If you have to, move home with your parents for a month or two until you can save the money.

[d0nnivain]

I'm also somewhat financially dependent on him so if I did end up leaving him it would be hard. I would need an exit plan, and that would mean being with him for a few more months until I graduate and secure a job.

 

 

I read the title of your post wrong, didn't I ? You mean your EX-BF cheated on you with a stripper, don't you?

 

 

You can't prostitute yourself to stay with him through graduation. Your self respect is worth so much more than rent. Suck it up. Get a loan. Crash on a friend's couch. Take a semester off. Don't stay.

 

 

Between the extreme amount of money, the trickle truth & the outright infidelity, there is nothing left of what was your relationship.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

I have dated more than one stripper before. I have also worked as a doorman/bouncer at clubs in the past. What occurred with your boyfriend is called in the business "Not laid but screwed". Stumbling drunks are usually pretty easy marks in that they find the first stripper they see, blow their entire wallet in about half an hour and are then escorted out of the club flat broke.

 

Basically the stripper gave him a couple of hickies, let him grab her ass and suck her nipples maybe she jerked him off and she took him for about 400 bucks. That's what strippers do. If I had a dollar for every time one of the strippers I dated pulled that act on one of the fools that toss away their money I'd own a club. lol.

 

If he had cocaine on him then I would submit to you that intercourse was far more likely, but 400 bucks is pretty standard fare in a VIP room.

 

Again, the term "not laid but screwed".

 

 

Of course everyone has their deal breakers so you are well within your rights if you want to dump him.

 

Jut remember that Marks like him are usually repeat visitors at houses of ill repute so if you stay with him expect this to happen again.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you but if he has the titty bar bug, you better watch your wallet if you stay with him.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy shouldn't be your boyfriend anymore.

 

Sorry, but where are your standards, OP?

[smackie9]

Have some self worth. This guy is a train wreck. You have a bright future ahead of you....don't ruin it with him still being in the picture. If you are that educated, you will have the smarts to dump this chump for good.