sxnw1 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Looking for advice. I went out on a couple dates with a guy a little over a year ago. He broke it off. We've ended up as fairly close friends. We've both been dating other people during that time (my relationship isn't going so well), but he's single right now. Well, you may be able to guess where this is going - I have feelings for him. I know he's attracted to me and seems to enjoy spending time with me. He's going to start dating and I'm afraid I'm going to get jealous. Do I tell him? How? I feel like I need to do something, but I also don't want to "ruin the friendship" and have him pull away. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Ask him over to dinner at your place. You cook something nice and really make it a nice romantic setting so he gets the picture. He may start thinking, Hey I could get used to this. Or he may stay on his phone the whole time looking at his OLD account. Just see how it goes. Dinner at your place is a hint. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sxnw1 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 We actually do dinner at my place somewhat often, and he's never on his phone. I'm not sure if he knows I have these feelings? I feel like he must. But I also feel like I often try to play it cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 (edited) Tell him that you have developed feelings for him. Add that you understand if he does not feel the same way and would like to continue being friends regardless. Staying just friends would be a really bad idea, though. If he broke it off at the beginning, there's a chance he just wants to be friends. The friends first thing...men rarely fall in love that way if they're not feeling it from the jump.. Just put it all out there and brace for rejection. Edited February 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Author sxnw1 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 Well I'd actually rather just not do it if there's a good chance of rejection I just don't want it to be awkward. I do believe what you say about it rarely developing, but we met at kind of bad timing, and I feel like we have such a good connection now. Link to post Share on other sites
TheAntiHero Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 "He broke it off." If he broke it off and this is why you two aren't together, I'd say screw the friendship. You don't need to be around when this guy starts banging another. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sxnw1 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 "He broke it off." If he broke it off and this is why you two aren't together, I'd say screw the friendship. You don't need to be around when this guy starts banging another. He has commented in the past that maybe the time will be right for us in the future and it just wasn't at the time. But maybe that's just a line. I do value his friendship, and would like to keep it intact. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 He probably isn't going to take you seriously if you are in a relationship. It might make him think that you are the type that has no morals about cheating, and therefore not girlfriend material. The first thing you need to do is sort out your relationship issues, one way or the other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 If he has broken it off once, then I would not say anything or hope for anything with this guy. If you really want him as a friend, I would be a friend but refuse to cross any boundaries with him. Once he realises you are not there waiting for him, it might make him think. Seriously though, it is best to make clear that a friend is a friend, for your own sake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Since he is the one who broke it off he would be the one pursuing you for a relationship if he has changed his mind. You would be chasing him if you try again and will probably end up getting rejected again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnys93 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Pursue with caution. If he broke it off with you, then maybe he's not willing to be in a relationship with you in that way. Try not to get sucked up in the fact that he's nice to you, that's how friends are to each other. You need to fix your own relationship issues first before you even consider trying to move on to someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sxnw1 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 Thanks for all your replies. I guess the one reason I keep coming back to that I should ask him is - what if this is my window and I miss it because I'm too scared to bring it up. We talk about everything - except this. I feel like I should be able to have a discussion about it and not have it ruin the friendship, but I can't see it being un-awkward on his end if he doesn't feel the same. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 If he wanted a relationship with you, he could bring the subject up. He hasn't. That should tell you something. Pros: - he will know how you feel and might even want a relationship with you Cons: - he will know how you feel - he might turn you down again - he might start avoiding you - if he turns you down, you will feel rubbish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sxnw1 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 If he wanted a relationship with you, he could bring the subject up. He hasn't. That should tell you something. Pros: - he will know how you feel and might even want a relationship with you Cons: - he will know how you feel - he might turn you down again - he might start avoiding you - if he turns you down, you will feel rubbish. Just to somewhat play devil's advocate - the same could be said in reverse - he could be thinking if I wanted a relationship with him I would bring the subject up, or stop dating other people. Every so often he refers to us being in a relationship and how I would hate it. I can't tell if he's trying to tell me he doesn't want one, or fishing for me saying no i wouldn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Looking for advice. I went out on a couple dates with a guy a little over a year ago. He broke it off. We've ended up as fairly close friends. We've both been dating other people during that time (my relationship isn't going so well), but he's single right now. Well, you may be able to guess where this is going - I have feelings for him. I know he's attracted to me and seems to enjoy spending time with me. He's going to start dating and I'm afraid I'm going to get jealous. Do I tell him? How? I feel like I need to do something, but I also don't want to "ruin the friendship" and have him pull away. Your relationship isn't going well so well. So you are in a relationship right now. Why don't you do a favor to the guy you are with and end that relationship, before you make a move to the new (old) guy. Monkey branching is not cool. Have some decency. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnys93 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Just to somewhat play devil's advocate - the same could be said in reverse - he could be thinking if I wanted a relationship with him I would bring the subject up, or stop dating other people. Every so often he refers to us being in a relationship and how I would hate it. I can't tell if he's trying to tell me he doesn't want one, or fishing for me saying no i wouldn't. Okay, then ask him That should settle all your problems for the most part right then and there. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Thanks for all your replies. I guess the one reason I keep coming back to that I should ask him is - what if this is my window and I miss it because I'm too scared to bring it up. We talk about everything - except this. I feel like I should be able to have a discussion about it and not have it ruin the friendship, but I can't see it being un-awkward on his end if he doesn't feel the same. If it would happen, it would have happened by now. It will be awkward for you both if he doesn't feel the same, but I don't think it necessarily will kill the friendship. (Just my opinion, but he probably already has a hint) The question is do you really want to. Can you handle it? Can you handle seeing your friend who didn't want to be with you *that way* start dating another girl, stop spending time with you to please her, court her, fall in love, possibly get married and have children. These things will happen regardless if you tell him or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I was recently in a similar situation and it didn't end well. So I will echo those who have advised caution. At the same time, I'll say that it isn't impossible that he has developed feelings for you since the relationship started. It is possible he has been holding them back because you are in a relationship yourself. In the end you have to weigh the what-if and the potential return if he reciprocates versus the potential that he is out of your life forever. Rejection isn't the worst case scenario. Loss of a friend is. Finally, it may be that you lose him as a friend regardless depending on what happens with his forthcoming dating and how you react to it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 By "it would have already happened" I mean he would have already developed feelings and is holding them back for whatever reason Link to post Share on other sites
Author sxnw1 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 If it would happen, it would have happened by now. It will be awkward for you both if he doesn't feel the same, but I don't think it necessarily will kill the friendship. (Just my opinion, but he probably already has a hint) The question is do you really want to. Can you handle it? Can you handle seeing your friend who didn't want to be with you *that way* start dating another girl, stop spending time with you to please her, court her, fall in love, possibly get married and have children. These things will happen regardless if you tell him or not. I can handle it - I've seen him with others at this point. But I guess maybe I don't want to without knowing I didn't miss my chance? I just don't know quite how to go about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sxnw1 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 I was recently in a similar situation and it didn't end well. So I will echo those who have advised caution. At the same time, I'll say that it isn't impossible that he has developed feelings for you since the relationship started. It is possible he has been holding them back because you are in a relationship yourself. In the end you have to weigh the what-if and the potential return if he reciprocates versus the potential that he is out of your life forever. Rejection isn't the worst case scenario. Loss of a friend is. Finally, it may be that you lose him as a friend regardless depending on what happens with his forthcoming dating and how you react to it. Good luck. I'd be interested in hearing more about how your situation went. How did you tell the other person? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I'd be interested in hearing more about how your situation went. How did you tell the other person? I didn't in a direct sense. See here. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Okay if you're sure you want to stay 'friends' then I guess it is just the risk of never knowing what could have been vs. the risk of some awkwardness between you two at least for awhile. But I want to say that if a man broke it off with me in the past, I'd believe with relative certainty friendship (with or without benefits) was all he wanted until he told me otherwise. He was the one who stopped it from going anywhere in the first place. I hope it works out for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 (edited) We actually do dinner at my place somewhat often, and he's never on his phone. I'm not sure if he knows I have these feelings? I feel like he must. But I also feel like I often try to play it cool. Well, he's had plenty of opportunity and has passed, so I'd say just keep dating other guys. Edited February 21, 2017 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sxnw1 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 I didn't in a direct sense. See here. Wow, what a confusing situation you were in. I don't get it at all... Link to post Share on other sites
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