Insecure girlfriend broke up with me...

[Murali_14]

So I had been in a relationship with this amazing girl for nearly 2 months and everything was perfect during that time, I really liked her and vice versa. We had talked about all the things happening in our others lives and starting to get really close. We had even talked about her past relationship with a guy that did not go well as a result of him being too insecure and being too pushy and sometimes even abusive. Apparently she was also really into him. At this point it turned out that she did not tell the full story to me and I never expected to be more about this when everything changed in an instant.

 

I had been this perfect lovable guy (Her own words) and had been consistent throughout the phase of this relationship and she really started to trust me and like me very much. She liked the fact that I was very caring and affectionate in the relationship and that she had never seen a guy like me before who really understands her and wanted her time more than anything else. As a matter of fact she was very insecure that anyone could ever be like that and kept on questioning me for validation of my affection and commitment when I was doing everything I can in my power to make her comfortable and safe. This got worse during the last few days of the relationship.

 

I had met her room mate, a girl who was her close friend and colleague for quite some time. I got introduced to her through my ex and we had lively conversations about different things and never did I think that she would come in the way of my relationship. One afternoon when both of us were at work we were having this casual text chat that we always have every now and then. Being the sarcastic personality that I am! and the fact that she had posted a new photo of her and her friend as her display photo recently, I sent a text saying "You have a very pretty girlfriend"<smiley><smiley> relating to the silly(but very close) relationship they both have. I never even noticed whether her friend was pretty or not in the photo, as a matter of fact it never even crossed my mind that she was pretty even when I met her personally. It was just a sarcastic remark.

 

She got pissed and started accusing me of possible adultery with her friend and my intentions are wrong and that she cant trust me anymore when I am with her, she also said that she cannot go through such a traumatic experience again. I was skeptical at the beginning that there was far more to this than what meets the eye as a harmless message cant possibly trigger such a reaction so I talked to her in person the same day. That was when I got to know that her ex had cheated on her friend when my ex was in a relationship with him(which I never knew hen we talked about her past before). I felt really bad that she had to go through all of that and that I had triggered those feelings again. I could not do much to convince her other than to tell her that I am a totally different guy and she cant compare me with him and that I would be committed to love her but she had already made up her thoughts and we broke up. All this happened in a day and I cant believe I lost her. She said she never wants to see me or talk to me again. She had everything that I wanted in a woman except for the insecurity which I could have erased from her mind if only she had let me talk about her fears and let me prove myself that I am trustworthy over time.

 

I really like this girl and I miss her a lot and would love to get back with her but I am not sure if I have a second chance at this. I have been in NC for nearly a month but to no avail, she has not contacted me yet. Is there anything I can do to rekindle the lost trust in her again like a letter or something? Would love to hear your suggestions guys....

[SevenCity]

Insecurity cannot be fixed from without, it has to come from within.

 

My ex was insecure and it broke our RL after 7 years. Nothing you can say or do will fix it.

 

The problem with insecure girls is they will often look to a third party for security and will often have another guy lined up when they do not feel secure.

 

As long as you made it clear you want to work on things, not contacting her is the only thing you can do.

 

Sucks - I feel for you man. But better after two months then years.

[preraph]

Freud would have something to say about your text telling her her friend is pretty, and what he would say is if you didn't think it, you wouldn't have "jokingly" said it. So she's right. And I will just advise you that no matter whether the woman has a past where her bf went after a friend or not, you do NOT make comments about how attractive her friends are. That's just a rookie mistake.

[d0nnivain]

You could try sending a snail mail apology. A text won't get it done.

 

Get a nice card, write that you certainly didn't mean to hurt her feelings & that while you were joking around her friend can't hold a candle to her because she is the whole package. Put a bunch of true compliments about her in here & ask for another chance.

[Murali_14]

Freud would have something to say about your text telling her her friend is pretty, and what he would say is if you didn't think it, you wouldn't have "jokingly" said it. So she's right. And I will just advise you that no matter whether the woman has a past where her bf went after a friend or not, you do NOT make comments about how attractive her friends are. That's just a rookie mistake.

 

Are you not implying that a guy should not find a girl walking on the street even remotely attractive when he is in a relationship with a woman?, And this is even assuming my comment was serious and not a joke. Isn't that human nature?. That doesn't necessarily mean he wants to cheat on his girlfriend does it?. And if the girlfriend finds it offensive doesn't it mean she is the insecure one and not me?.

 

I could never think of such a non trivial matter breaking up relationships especially when there is a way to solve these misunderstandings by talking about it from your heart and ending it then and there.. If it's an irrational fear that she has got of me cheating on someone is it wise to just end it immediately instead of talking about it?. I mean I would be happy to sort it out by telling her that she has no reason to feel insecure around me and that I would not betray her trust by not acting the way she doesn't want me to..

[todreaminblue]

Are you not implying that a guy should not find a girl walking on the street even remotely attractive when he is in a relationship with a woman?, And this is even assuming my comment was serious and not a joke. Isn't that human nature?. That doesn't necessarily mean he wants to cheat on his girlfriend does it?. And if the girlfriend finds it offensive doesn't it mean she is the insecure one and not me?.

 

I could never think of such a non trivial matter breaking up relationships especially when there is a way to solve these misunderstandings by talking about it from your heart and ending it then and there.. If it's an irrational fear that she has got of me cheating on someone is it wise to just end it immediately instead of talking about it?. I mean I would be happy to sort it out by telling her that she has no reason to feel insecure around me and that I would not betray her trust by not acting the way she doesn't want me to..

 

see it comes down to this if you are with a woman and you point out someone else as being pretty.... its almost a form of negging...to soemn women...who have insecurities makes them more so.......

 

 

i dont see your comment as sarcastic at all......not even humorous....confusing yeah....

 

if a guy i was going out with left a comment like that "you have a pretty girlfriend.." what the hell do you write back..."gee thanks for noticing she is pretty"..."she is pretty isnt she".....then what do you write back?..i was being sarcastic..then she says..."what? so she isnt pretty"....notice who the conversation is about........its an awkward comment to make...a rookie mistake as preraph said...

 

 

stay out of sticky conversations..dont try and be a smart ass....it didnt work this time...hardly ever does for anyone.......apologize to her tell her you werent aware of what her ex had done.... say you were stupid to write it ....you dont know what you were thinking....and tell her what she means to you.....if she agrees to give you another shot......take her somewhere special....dont mention how hot you think other women are or pretty......do that with your mates....good luck...deb

Edited March 2, 2017 by todreaminblue

[basil67]

OK, I have to say straight up that I'd never bother dating someone who had a heap of insecurities. Stick to dating people who aren't broken.

 

That said, unless I have misread your intention, your comment was not sarcastic. Sarcasm is defined as "the use of irony to mock or convey contempt". I strongly doubt you were trying to mock or show contempt to her friend when you said that. Frankly, I have no idea why you would have said this at all...ESPECIALLY to someone who is already insecure

 

You say that you could never imagine such a non-trivial matter breaking a relationship. But I think you mean trivial. Because to your girlfriend this was non-trivial and sent off sufficient red flags to leave you.

 

For future relationships:

 

Lesson 1: Your sense of humour is not funny. Just be kind.

Lesson 2: The fact that you think something is trivial does not mean your partner finds it trivial.

Lesson 3: Avoid dating people who are damaged

Lesson 4: Learn the definition of sarcasm.

[preraph]

Are you not implying that a guy should not find a girl walking on the street even remotely attractive when he is in a relationship with a woman?, And this is even assuming my comment was serious and not a joke. Isn't that human nature?. That doesn't necessarily mean he wants to cheat on his girlfriend does it?. And if the girlfriend finds it offensive doesn't it mean she is the insecure one and not me?.

 

I could never think of such a non trivial matter breaking up relationships especially when there is a way to solve these misunderstandings by talking about it from your heart and ending it then and there.. If it's an irrational fear that she has got of me cheating on someone is it wise to just end it immediately instead of talking about it?. I mean I would be happy to sort it out by telling her that she has no reason to feel insecure around me and that I would not betray her trust by not acting the way she doesn't want me to..

 

It wasn't a girl on the street, and even then keep your pie hole shut about how good looking any other woman is! This is a friend who is already being too friendly with you who she has a legitimate reason to be keeping her eye on you two, and you went and made this idiot comment and then expect her to take it as a joke! Let's assume she had been flirting with one of your guy friends and you posted a photo of you and him together and she said "Your friend is very handsome!"

[Murali_14]

see it comes down to this if you are with a woman and you point out someone else as being pretty.... its almost a form of negging...to soemn women...who have insecurities makes them more so.......

 

 

i dont see your comment as sarcastic at all......not even humorous....confusing yeah....

 

if a guy i was going out with left a comment like that "you have a pretty girlfriend.." what the hell do you write back..."gee thanks for noticing she is pretty"..."she is pretty isnt she".....then what do you write back?..i was being sarcastic..then she says..."what? so she isnt pretty"....notice who the conversation is about........its an awkward comment to make...a rookie mistake as preraph said...

 

 

stay out of sticky conversations..dont try and be a smart ass....it didnt work this time...hardly ever does for anyone.......apologize to her tell her you werent aware of what her ex had done.... say you were stupid to write it ....you dont know what you were thinking....and tell her what she means to you.....if she agrees to give you another shot......take her somewhere special....dont mention how hot you think other women are or pretty......do that with your mates....good luck...deb

 

Maybe you are right after all. I will write a heart felt apology letter, but my hopes are not so high as it has already been a month since NC and I have not heard from her yet. I just wish she would give me another chance ...

[lolablue17]

Maybe you are right after all. I will write a heart felt apology letter, but my hopes are not so high as it has already been a month since NC and I have not heard from her yet. I just wish she would give me another chance ...

 

Let me advice you on that... She is very insecure. Insecurity leads to selfishness, because the insecure person cannot see anything but him\herself. So now she thinks only about HER feelings in this situation.

 

I advice you to send her a letter, but not an apology because you already did that, and it didn't make any change. In this letter talk only about yourself. Describe how miserable you are. Tell her about a man (you) that one day his love was taken away from him because a stupid misunderstanding. Tell her that a someone (her) made a very cruel thing to you, prevent you from being with the one you love ect...

 

Talk only about your misery, and feelings. Do not mention any apology. There is a chance that only then she will understand that the world is not all about her, but she also has the power to hurt other people.

 

Having said that, i do believe that there's a point in life which a person should be judged according to her actions and not by her potential. If she can cut a relationship in a second, this is her... It means that she is very selfish. It means that even if she regrets, it can happen again and again... think twice before you make a move.

[PrettyEmily77]

One month NC after a two-month relationship? I think she's done, sorry.

 

I've never known insecure people to up and leave happy relationships with partners who make them feel better; that said, two months is probably not enough time to determine how 'insecure' or 'damaged' she is - she saw something she didn't like, lost trust in you and broke it off - after 2 months, that's not the end of the world.

[todreaminblue]

in that letter do not talk about your misery ...apologize and tell her you shouldn't have said it.... it was dumb be honest with how you feel about her...dont ever talk about being miserable as suggested above..... its manipulative....

 

 

had a few guys do this to me and i dont like it they play me.....make me feel like i should give them another chance....i am making them miserable by not seeing them....they miss me they need their dose of deb to make it through the week.....cant i just try again ...use the fact i say im not a quitter...........and then they turn nasty when the answer is no......

 

i am empathetic and the last thing any good guy wants is a girl to stay out of empathy or sympathy ...or forced with guilt..you want a girl who loves you not who feels sorry for you.....if she doesnt love you...she wont come back....do the right thing apologize and mean it...see where things lead.......good luck...deb

[Murali_14]

One month NC after a two-month relationship? I think she's done, sorry.

 

I've never known insecure people to up and leave happy relationships with partners who make them feel better; that said, two months is probably not enough time to determine how 'insecure' or 'damaged' she is - she saw something she didn't like, lost trust in you and broke it off - after 2 months, that's not the end of the world.

 

Nope, It was just that one thing that was bitter between us during the course of the relationship. I cant think of anything else that would ruin it or make her distrust me, this of course I am citing from her own words. If there was something else I am sure she might have told me as she is generally a straightforward person.

 

in that letter do not talk about your misery ...apologize and tell her you shouldn't have said it.... it was dumb be honest with how you feel about her...dont ever talk about being miserable as suggested above..... its manipulative....

 

 

had a few guys do this to me and i dont like it they play me.....make me feel like i should give them another chance....i am making them miserable by not seeing them....they miss me they need their dose of deb to make it through the week.....cant i just try again ...use the fact i say im not a quitter...........and then they turn nasty when the answer is no......

 

i am empathetic and the last thing any good guy wants is a girl to stay out of empathy or sympathy ...or forced with guilt..you want a girl who loves you not who feels sorry for you.....if she doesnt love you...she wont come back....do the right thing apologize and mean it...see where things lead.......good luck...deb

 

Do you really think I should disrespect her words and keep on apologizing over and over again?. I mean I am more than happy to ask a heartfelt apology for my stupidity any number of times but I do not want to drive her away forever by pestering her to forgive me when she clearly does not want me to contact her for now at least. Wouldn`t it be kinda selfish if I do that?, and I kinda already tried apologizing to her which did not work. I actually did not mention something, when we broke up she said she was still in love with me and that I needed to be with a more secure person, not her. It was like she forced herself to not forgive me even though she wanted to. Her heart wanted to but her mind did not. I feel the best way to deal this is to let her sort out her own irrational fears, after all it was one.

Edited March 3, 2017 by Murali_14

[PrettyEmily77]

Nope, It was just that one thing that was bitter between us during the course of the relationship.

 

Ok, I get the joke (I think) - you were having a bit of fun with the 'girlfriend' part because of the profile photo thing, she misinterpreted it and zoomed in on the 'pretty' part.

 

If you tried to clear up the misunderstanding and she didn't take your explanation at face value, there isn't much else you can do about it, unfortunately.

Edited March 3, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[Murali_14]

Ok, I get the joke (I think) - you were having a bit of fun with the 'girlfriend' part because of the profile photo thing, she misinterpreted it and zoomed in on the 'pretty' part.

 

If you tried to clear up the misunderstanding and she didn't take your explanation at face value, there isn't much else you can do about it, unfortunately.

 

Thank you!!, at least someone understands it even though it was pathetic really!.... think it exposed her worst fear.

Edited March 3, 2017 by Murali_14

[PrettyEmily77]

Thank you!!, at least someone understands it even though it was pathetic really!.... think it exposed her worst fear.

 

You meant no harm by it, she probably knows this deep down but she's obviously not over her issues. She was honest with you and seems self-aware, which is why she broke up with you.

 

Sorry, OP.

[Tribble]

Ok, I get the joke (I think) - you were having a bit of fun with the 'girlfriend' part because of the profile photo thing, she misinterpreted it and zoomed in on the 'pretty' part.

 

This is what I thought it was. However, I had to read it over and think about it for a while. Your ex saw the pretty and that was it. It's difficult because girlfriend can mean gf or friend who is a girl. I think you realise it was stupid, but you should have been able to explain it. The thing is though, she can't see past it. So this is done. She knows she'd always have this worry in the back of her mind.

 

You can't fix people. She isn't in a place to trust right now and without trust, your relationship would implode and you'd be walking on eggshells. Sorry, but this one is done, move on.