Tired of the constant fights and his contempt and stonewalling

[Nothingtolose]

My boyfriend and I met at work 4 years ago, had a casual on-off fling for 1.5 years (I left the country for 7 months during that time), and have been officially in a relationship for 2 years. We've been living together for over a year.

 

We were never a 'match made in heaven', and we both hesitated to commit to each other cause we knew we were very different people and would have a lot to work on/compromise. However, we ended up realizing we loved each other and wanted to give it a go.

 

The past 2 years haven't been the easiest. In a nutshell, here are some of our biggest problems:

 

- He's a lazy stoner who's happy with a very 'mediocre' life. He's been laid off several times in his life, never finishes what he starts (ie. a new course or learning a new skill), spends most of his time at home playing video games or music and drinking beer, no real ambitions, no sense of adventure. I, on the other hand, have lived in 4 countries, travelled a bunch, love to learn and try/do new things. We have both learned to compromise on this, and he will go on a few getaways/trips with me here and there, some festivals, fun activities etc...and I've learned to do a lot of stuff either on my own or with friends, so I'm not relying on him for company all the time. However, sometimes this still frustrates me, his apathy and lack of passion towards anything.

 

- He's a bit of a slob and doesn't help enough around the house. He'll do things, but I have to ask every single time, and feel like a nag - then he complains that I'm nagging. We have no kids yet sometimes I feel exhausted because it almost feels like I'm living with a child.

 

- I've asked him on multiple occasions to take better care of his health, eat a little better, exercise, drink/smoke less. When he's having a good day he will agree with me and say that yeah, he really should work on those things. But then when we fight, he throws in my face that he is resentful over me always criticising him and his lifestyle, and making him not feel good enough.

 

I have learned to somehow live with all of that, and try and appreciate the good things: his sense of humour, the fun times we have at home together, the sex which is still good, the sweet things he'll do from time to time like bringing me flowers, leaving cute notes in the mirrors etc. But these problems aren't exactly small problems - and with both of us being in our 30's, I find myself wondering if this is the kind of person I want to marry and have a family with. I'm terrified of ending up with kids with a father who doesn't step up and do his share, and being stuck in a miserable life.

 

We've had numerous fights in the last year, and ended up going to counselling, which he suggested. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to work on us, but we did about 7 sessions from August to December, and though a few things have improved, we always seem to fall back into old patters when we fight.

 

Another thing that is a HUGE issue is the dirty fighting. He's a sweet guy and not controlling in any way day to day, but when we fight, he becomes very easily angered and gets verbally abusive (saying things like I'm stupid, insane, dense etc). I've brought this up in counselling and asked him hundreds of times not to resort to name calling, but he says 'if you're saying stupid ****, i need to call you out on it'. It's insane, like talking to a child, it just doesn't register, and he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. He'll also stonewall and just shut down and if I cry or get stressed out, he'll say 'there you go, playing the victim again'. It also really hurts me that we may have spent the last 3 weeks laughing and having a great time, but then we have one fight, and it's enough for him to put the relationship down and say that he's tired, it sucks etc etc - but then when I suggest breaking up, he refuses.

 

He's admitted before that the reason he's having these reactions is because he is resentful of me. He says he asks very little of me, but I am constantly pointing out things he needs to change/improve on, and it's making him resent me. I think deep down he just wants to carry on with living the way he does, and expects me to just accept it. I have honestly tried, but I think wanting a man who's present, likes to do things with me, helps around the house and takes care of himself isn't that much to ask.

 

Sorry for the long rant. I have a feeling I may need to end it, but it hurts so bad, because we do love each other, and do have good times together still, despite of all this.

[d0nnivain]

Sometimes love doesn't conquer all.

 

 

This things are long standing issues not likely to change. Your choices are:

 

 

1. Put up with them forever

 

 

2. Constantly fight about this stuff & be miserable

 

 

3. Walk away

[oldshirt]

One of the problems with chemical addiction/abuse is that a person's development stops when the addiction begins (yeah yeah yeah, pot isn't technically addictive in the literal sense, but if someone is getting stoned every, their development stops nonetheless)

 

And one of the problems with getting stoned is it makes you perfectly happy to just sit there and do nuth'n.

 

If he's been lighting up since his early teens, that is where his personal development has stopped, and his behavior is a lot like someone in their early teens.

 

If he would rather be high, then there isn't a thing on God's green earth that will make him transform into someone that is responsible, ambitious and on the ball.

 

You options are to suck it up and live with it and be a codependent/enabler, or wish him well and find a mature, developed adult man.

Edited March 1, 2017 by oldshirt

[BaileyB]

So, to be clear... You are wondering if you should stay in a relationship and commit your life to with a guy who...

 

Pro:

Has a good sense of humor

Buys you flowers

Good sex

 

Cons:

Doesn't take care of his health

Is a slob and doesn't help around the house

Has a hard time keeping a job and would prefer to spend his days playing video games and drinking beer

Has a problem with drugs

Is verbally abusive to you when you fight

 

What part of this list makes you think that this man would be a good husband and father? It doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me. Sorry

[Lady2163]

So, my exh was 30 when we married and 37 when we divorced almost 20 years ago.

 

It was a fight every single day over similar things. He was a slob, he didn't help out around the house, he intentionally made messes, he'd cut corner if I asked him to do any chore. We tried to take turns cooking supper. His idea of a good supper was to open three different kinds of Campbell's chunky soup and put it in the crock pot for 8 hours. Throw in a loaf of bread and, voila! Supper is served. It was disgusting.

 

You're fighting an uphill battle. His goal is probably to wear you down and get you to come around to his way of life.

 

After being divorced for almost 20 years, he's now in his mid 50s. He finally apologized for being an azzhole. He's recently remarried, and he says he isn't like that anymore. He regrets not being more of a grown up then, as he pissed away his chance to have kids.

 

My exh was special ed in school. He was dyslexic. I figure his development was easily 15 years behind. He was a spoiled mommy's boy and then the military took care of him. He didn't have to be an adult.

 

You can accept the way things are and be prepared to be the grown up in the relationship.

Don't have children unless you're prepared to bring them into this environment.

You can cut your losses and get out.

You can give counseling one more try.

 

Those are your options.

 

I just think there's something better out there for you.

[Nothingtolose]

Thank you all for your responses, you are all right on the money.

 

I have known for a long time deep in my gut that these aren't just minor problems and that eventually I may need to face that he is not the right man for me.

 

On the marriage and kids part - I forgot to mention that on top of all this, he isn't even interested in being a father. He's not big on kids and has made this very clear on multiple occasions, however, when I've suggested breaking up because I really want to be a mother, he has said he would 'be open to the idea' and 'never say never'

 

Tonight we were at his best friend's house, and somehow the 3 of us got into a discussion about our relationship. it was pretty horrible. his best friend basically said my bf would be a terrible father, and that if this is a dealbreaker for me, I need to rethink my relationship - and my bf agreed with him, which makes me think he's pretty much ready to let me go.

 

Lady2163 - it's like you are describing my life. How old were you in that divorce, and were you able to find love again? I know it sounds pathetic, but I'm 33 and live in a city that's awful for dating. Sometimes I think if we break up I'll never meet someone again, or worst yet, won't meet someone in time to still be able to have children. I know it sounds pathetic

[Dirt]

Thank you all for your responses, you are all right on the money.

 

I have known for a long time deep in my gut that these aren't just minor problems and that eventually I may need to face that he is not the right man for me.

 

On the marriage and kids part - I forgot to mention that on top of all this, he isn't even interested in being a father. He's not big on kids and has made this very clear on multiple occasions, however, when I've suggested breaking up because I really want to be a mother, he has said he would 'be open to the idea' and 'never say never'

 

Tonight we were at his best friend's house, and somehow the 3 of us got into a discussion about our relationship. it was pretty horrible. his best friend basically said my bf would be a terrible father, and that if this is a dealbreaker for me, I need to rethink my relationship - and my bf agreed with him, which makes me think he's pretty much ready to let me go.

 

Lady2163 - it's like you are describing my life. How old were you in that divorce, and were you able to find love again? I know it sounds pathetic, but I'm 33 and live in a city that's awful for dating. Sometimes I think if we break up I'll never meet someone again, or worst yet, won't meet someone in time to still be able to have children. I know it sounds pathetic

 

How hard do you think it'll be to date as a divorced, single mom which is the inevitable if you proceed with him. And you'll still be connected to the loser for 18+ years.

[oldshirt]

How hard do you think it'll be to date as a divorced, single mom which is the inevitable if you proceed with him. And you'll still be connected to the loser for 18+ years.

 

This is an excellent point ^^^^^^

 

OP take it seriously; this is very much the reality.

[oldshirt]

 

On the marriage and kids part - I forgot to mention that on top of all this, he isn't even interested in being a father. He's not big on kids and has made this very clear on multiple occasions, however, when I've suggested breaking up because I really want to be a mother, he has said he would 'be open to the idea' and 'never say never'

 

(

 

Do not even think of letting this person near your ovaries.

 

He is saying those things so he can keep having sex with you. He does not have a paternal cell in his body. He is irresponsible and self absorbed enough that he will HATE! having a pregnant woman, baby and toddler around.

 

They will make noise, make messes and interfer with his high and his chill'n time.

 

At best he will be resentful, bitter and uninvolved. That is best case scenario.

 

But there is a true dark side to men like this. Some will actually turn violent and abusive when their lifestyle and freedom are threatened.

 

It gets worse. Read a national newspaper for a week and you read at least one report of a man killing his pregnant wife or the mother of his child or the baby shortly after the birth.

 

This is real. Statistically, the 2nd leading cause of death in pregnant women is homocide at the hands of their partners.

 

This person has no business being anywhere around a woman who wants to have children, let alone being around children themselves.

[oldshirt]

 

Tonight we were at his best friend's house, and somehow the 3 of us got into a discussion about our relationship. it was pretty horrible. his best friend basically said my bf would be a terrible father, and that if this is a dealbreaker for me, I need to rethink my relationship - and my bf agreed with him, which makes me think he's pretty much ready to let me go.

 

(

 

IMHO, other than him being in jail, this is the biggest red flag and warning sign that you can ever get.

 

It's one thing when your friends and family don't like someone.

 

But when HIS friends are telling you that he isn't husband and father material - you need to take that to the bank.

 

You have been duly informed of his lack of fitness as a partner and father.

 

Given your life-goals, You will have no excuse for continuing this relationship.

 

If you continue this R and have kids with him, you will have made your own bed and will have determined your own future. The cross will be on your own shoulders to bear and you will be accountable for the state of your misery and the risk your child's well being.

[oldshirt]

One of you has to be an adult and do the right thing.

 

He won't be capable of doing that.

[BluesPower]

Everything OldShirt said...And...

 

Basically, he is a man child, bottom line. Not really marriage or father material at all.

 

You really need to lose him and find someone that is a grown up.

 

All steady drunks and stoners of various types that have doing this a long time are basically stunted in there maturity.

 

I have seen it first hand.

 

Time to move on...

[Nothingtolose]

Thank you all for your responses. This has been a very hard week for me, my anxiety is up the roof, I can't focus at work, and am crying constantly.

 

I know I painted a horrible picture of him, because being a stoner and lazy aren't admirable qualities and I'll admit that...but we did have some amazing times together, and we've worked so hard on our relationship to try and fix the issues we've had. He went to counselling with me, did all the homework open heartedly (even a vision board/collage with me of what our future could look like), we booked personal training sessions together and started going to the gym (something he hadnt done in MANY years), started eating healthier and drinking less throughout the week...this was all late last year, but then I went away for 3 weeks to see my family and when I came back, he had fallen back into old habits.

 

We had a chat last night where he admitted he has been very depressed, and is under performing at work (he's been at this job for 3 months, so this is worrying). He says he doesnt understand why, as this is the type of job/work he wanted, in the past he would blame it on the company/boss/work for lack of motivation, but now he doesnt have that excuse anymore...he says he doesnt understand why he doesnt have the motivation to give his best at work, and he is afraid to lose yet another job. Our lease is up in 2 months, finances arent great and he feels like life is going on a downward spiral.

 

I said to me it's always been obvious that is lifestyle habits are probably impacting his mood and energy/motivation levels. He mentioned not drinking anymore during the week (he has 2-3 beers most nights) and I suggested trying not to smoke on week nights, which he said is worth a shot. He also agreed to individual counselling to work on his issues, and perhaps anti-depressants if it comes to it.

 

I feel heartbroken, because he is withdrawn, and I can feel that deep down he thinks I'm part of the problem (ie. our fights are bringing him down). But he doesnt realize our fights are mainly due to his attitude towards life and lifestyle choices...and if he worked on these things, his life would transform, and so would our relationship.

 

Perhaps I'm dellusional...perhaps I just need to give up once and for all. I'm just having a very hard time giving up on someone I still love.

[Hopeful714]

This is going no where good fast.

 

He senses that your considering leaving ...so here comes the pity party.

 

You need to go before this gets worse and it certainly will. Your spinning your wheels by staying there. The only person that can help him is himself.

 

If it makes you (and him) feel any better, leave under the guise of maybe when he gets his life in order you'll come back. Then just get out.

 

I wasted 8 years of my life on someone exactly like this when I was in my 20's-30. Luckily I never had kids with or married him but it was a HUGE chunk of my prime time down the drain. Don't make the same mistake.

 

Last I heard he had 3 kids with some chick and they live a life of poverty. He never changed much. Uggh...sooooo glad that's not my life. Don't make it yours.

[Nothingtolose]

We actually had a chat today and said it might be best to get our separate apartments when the lease is up, so we can both work on our own issues. We have a vacation overseas coming up in less than a month, which makes things even harder.

 

The past few days I have cried basically all day, every day - at work, on the street, anywhere really. I'm a mess. I cant stand the idea of moving out on my own, not seeing our cat (his cat, who is super attached to me), not waking up next to him. I cant focus on work at all and feel like my life is falling apart. I have been in this town 4 years and most memories I have are associated with him in some way, I cant even imagine living here without him.

[Arieswoman]

Nothingtoloose,

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I know how tough it is for you, but please listen to the advice given by the shrewd folks on this thread.

 

The bottom line is he isn't going to change.

 

My exH did have a job but felt that entitled him to go "off duty" the minute he came home from work, sit in front of the TV and wait for his meal. He refused to help about the house and did work in the garden with a bad grace.

 

If I complained we either got the hang-dog look and Pity Party combined with excuses- "I was just going to do that", I'd planned to do that next week/month/year/when Nelson gets his eye back" (sarcasm) etc etc. Or he just stonewalled me with the Silent Treatment.

 

One of the hardest things I had to do after I got divorced was to forgive myself for being such a mug and putting up with all this for as long as I did (5 years). Don't be a mug like I was.

 

I also moved to be near exH and only had memories of him and me together at that location, as I knew no-one else. It was tough and lonely for me at first, but at the end of the day my self-esteem and happiness were more important than that relationship.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

One day maybe 5, 10, 15 or even 20 years from now, you will be the older, wiser, more experienced woman with life experience and wisdom and you will be counseling a young gal who thinks she's in love with a fixer-upper who she thinks she can turn into and on-the-ball, developed adult man.

 

And you will tell her that some people are simply duds and are poor performers. Not every man ever becomes a squared-away productive, mature man.

 

If a woman wants a productive, ambitious, sober man that has a future, she needs to find one that is already those things and not get messed with one that she thinks she can turn into one.

[Nothingtolose]

One day maybe 5, 10, 15 or even 20 years from now, you will be the older, wiser, more experienced woman with life experience and wisdom and you will be counseling a young gal who thinks she's in love with a fixer-upper who she thinks she can turn into and on-the-ball, developed adult man.

 

And you will tell her that some people are simply duds and are poor performers. Not every man ever becomes a squared-away productive, mature man.

 

If a woman wants a productive, ambitious, sober man that has a future, she needs to find one that is already those things and not get messed with one that she thinks she can turn into one.

 

So you genuinely don't believe people can change? Honest question - and there's no right or wrong answer

 

Based on what you've said, I assume the answer is no, and that's okay - probably based on experience and things you've seen in your life.

 

I believe people CAN change - and I don't hold this belief simply because I am with someone I'd like to see change, but because I have personally seen friends and acquaintances go through huge transformations in their life that people around them would have never thought possible.

 

I have seen full time party guys turn into family men and amazing fathers, I've seen a friend who never held down a job and was addicted to cocaine become an entrepreneur and life coach, who is now helping other people change their own lives, I have seen angry/stressed people turn into yoga teachers and spiritual healers. I believe in change, but I'm also 100% aware it has to come from within - you have to reach a point in your life where you are DONE with the way things are and you realize that something needs to change. It can't happen from someone telling you this is what you have to do - this only makes you resent them and pull away.

 

My boyfriend realizes he needs to make changes - the issue is that he has some emotional/family issues that were never addressed, a couple of physical issues due to a car accident that has kept him from doing a lot of things he used to enjoy and he's gone through more **** in life than a lot of people his age have - which has made him turn to weed/nightly beers as a way of coping, instead of dealing with the emotions that needed to be addressed.

 

This is the first time he has agreed to therapy - which is a positive step for him. But essentially I'm asking him to change years of habits and things he's grown accustomed to, and this isn't something that can happen overnight.

 

So my point is...do I believe people can change? Absolutely. Do I believe my boyfriend will change? I think he has the ability to change - he's gotten out of much worse in the past - but whether he will or not, is only up to him.

 

At this point I'm thinking once our lease is up, we will probably get separate places, at least for a few months. That way he can work on his stuff (and I can see if he is actually making some improvements) and I can also go to therapy and work on mine (my insecurity, lack of self esteem, anxiety and general lack of control over my emotions). And the rest, I guess time will tell.

[BluesPower]

You know what, that last post is pretty sound thinking on your part, it really is.

 

That way you can both have some space and see what happens.

 

I will say this about the booze and drugs. The emotional and maturity stunting of long time users is just such a real thing, and it is really a hard thing to deal with.

 

It is tough that your BF has had things so tough but a lot of us have and we did not become addicts to weed or booze.

 

I have seen it with my wife first hand. I always wondered why she seemed to think like a kid sometimes. Well, it was because she was a drug addict for 20 of our 26 year marriage. It was hidden until recently but she is and I think always will be stunted in those areas.

 

Here you have a 50 YO woman that tend to reason and think like a 25 to 30 YO. Makes complete sense now but it just really confused me for years...

[Nothingtolose]

You know what, that last post is pretty sound thinking on your part, it really is.

 

That way you can both have some space and see what happens.

 

I will say this about the booze and drugs. The emotional and maturity stunting of long time users is just such a real thing, and it is really a hard thing to deal with.

 

It is tough that your BF has had things so tough but a lot of us have and we did not become addicts to weed or booze.

 

I have seen it with my wife first hand. I always wondered why she seemed to think like a kid sometimes. Well, it was because she was a drug addict for 20 of our 26 year marriage. It was hidden until recently but she is and I think always will be stunted in those areas.

 

Here you have a 50 YO woman that tend to reason and think like a 25 to 30 YO. Makes complete sense now but it just really confused me for years...

 

Hey blues, thanks for sharing your story. Is your wife still an addict, or recovering? My partner is also 35 and has a lot of childlike behaviour - which from what I've read is very typical of people with addictions.

 

I'm struggling to understand why I'm hurting so much. I am the one who should be wanting to leave. I am the one who should be thinking I deserve better. Yet he is the one who gets to decide "we should get separate places" and I'm the one crying every day and hurting, still wanting to save us. Living separately was my suggestion and he thought it was a good idea, but now I have changed my mind and he won't budge. He says staying together but living separately will allow us both to work on our own individual issues, but I don't believe it. To me, it will just enable him to have lots of nights away from me so he can drink and smoke till his heart's content and then see me when it's convenient for him. If he really was committed to working on this, wouldn't he want his partner around to keep him accountable?

 

I am so confused and sad and hurt. I feel like we've fought so hard for nothing. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while, and this just made it skyrocket to the point that i can barely get through the day. i cant get work done, cant concentrate, i've cried in the bathroom in the office multiple times in the past week, i wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and cant go back to sleep, lost my appetite. I am close to asking my doctor for a note so I can go on sick leave for a while, because i literally cannot bring myself to care/perform.

[BluesPower]

Listen, you and him both know it is the end, can we be honest about that.

 

You are grieving the end of the relationship. It is totally normal. When I finally understood that my wife never really loved me and I knew that was it, I cried for 2 weekends. I could put is away during the week when I was busy, but not during the weekends.

 

So everything that you are feeling I totally ok and normal. It hurts.

 

However, your bf actually loves you enough to understand that he is not the man for you, and babe, he never will be, ever.

 

You and I both know it is time to end the relationship no matter how hard it is, because it is never going to go anywhere. It can't. Your BF is at least 10 years behind you in maturity, and he is not going to change.

 

You have to move on no matter how hard it is.

 

To answer your question, she go sober about 2 years ago. However, that lack of crisis allowed me clarity for the first time in 20 years. I could finally understand that no woman would put a man that she loved through as much as I was put through. It just could not happen.

 

And guess what, she did not get sober for or because of my love and support, she got sober because she did not want to go to jail. Not even my undying love could convince her to get sober, but the threat of jail could.

 

That is why I am so adamant about you understanding that you cannot fix him and you need to exit the relationship, you deserver happiness.

[Nothingtolose]

Listen, you and him both know it is the end, can we be honest about that.

 

You are grieving the end of the relationship. It is totally normal. When I finally understood that my wife never really loved me and I knew that was it, I cried for 2 weekends. I could put is away during the week when I was busy, but not during the weekends.

 

So everything that you are feeling I totally ok and normal. It hurts.

 

However, your bf actually loves you enough to understand that he is not the man for you, and babe, he never will be, ever.

 

You and I both know it is time to end the relationship no matter how hard it is, because it is never going to go anywhere. It can't. Your BF is at least 10 years behind you in maturity, and he is not going to change.

 

You have to move on no matter how hard it is.

 

To answer your question, she go sober about 2 years ago. However, that lack of crisis allowed me clarity for the first time in 20 years. I could finally understand that no woman would put a man that she loved through as much as I was put through. It just could not happen.

 

And guess what, she did not get sober for or because of my love and support, she got sober because she did not want to go to jail. Not even my undying love could convince her to get sober, but the threat of jail could.

 

That is why I am so adamant about you understanding that you cannot fix him and you need to exit the relationship, you deserver happiness.

 

You might be right, I just can't accept it just yet. I know couples who have gone through similar situations as us and even took a full break for 6 months or so, then reunited, so maybe that is why I'm still holding out hope. He doesn't even want to make a final decision before speaking with our counsellor tomorrow - so this tells me he still cares, otherwise, why would he still want to do couples counselling with me?

 

Are you and your wife no longer together? If so, were you able to find someone else who makes you happier?

[BluesPower]

You might be right, I just can't accept it just yet. I know couples who have gone through similar situations as us and even took a full break for 6 months or so, then reunited, so maybe that is why I'm still holding out hope. He doesn't even want to make a final decision before speaking with our counsellor tomorrow - so this tells me he still cares, otherwise, why would he still want to do couples counselling with me?

 

Are you and your wife no longer together? If so, were you able to find someone else who makes you happier?

 

No, we are no longer together. And frankly I have several GF's that all make me happier than she ever did. And I am little bit older than you, I won't be getting married again.

 

I know you are hurting, take it a day at a time. But please look at things through the lens of future reality, and not through the lens of love.

 

Believe it or not love does not always conquer all as much as we hope it will.

 

Maybe if he got completely sober in every way and got help with his depression, maybe you could have a future, maybe. I mean completely sober, no booze or pot at all, ever. And I mean real help with his depression, including individual counseling, the proper medications, all of it.

 

But you have to ask yourself is he can really get straight and start to live a more meaningful life with you.

 

The thing is that you cannot allow someone, even if you love them, you cannot let them drag you down. If you do you end up being miserable and resentful of them and yourself for letting it happen.

[oldshirt]

Don't ever confuse 'can change' with 'will change.'

 

People can brings about change within themselves with a lot of innate motivation that comes from within themselves and a lot of hard work on their part.

 

You however cannot change someone else.

 

The problem a lot of women fall into is they think if they love, support or even nag them enough, that they will want to change.

 

That is a fool's game. Don't fall for it.

 

If you want a man that is on the ball and squared away, find one who already is.

 

It's more efficacious to find a man that's squared away than to manufacture one that isn't.

[BluesPower]

Don't ever confuse 'can change' with 'will change.'

 

People can brings about change within themselves with a lot of innate motivation that comes from within themselves and a lot of hard work on their part.

 

You however cannot change someone else.

 

The problem a lot of women fall into is they think if they love, support or even nag them enough, that they will want to change.

 

That is a fool's game. Don't fall for it.

 

If you want a man that is on the ball and squared away, find one who already is.

 

It's more efficacious to find a man that's squared away than to manufacture one that isn't.

 

Amen and amen to this...

 

We all should get out of the habit of fixing people. It just never works...