Author lia123 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 (edited) Ohh man!!!! Is that the life that you want? Its up to you How you want to live, why live in pain? Why stay with you h when your in love with somebody Else? What Are your dreams for the future? More kids with h? Or with the friend"? Or is it all because your scared friend" doesnt love you enough? Offcourse He doesnt love a woman with a husband, a woman who doesnt know what she wants:( sorry If im too harsh, but dont think your "friend ever trusted you because you were friends a that time with your Now husband:o I don't really understand what you mean. Why wouldn't 'friend' trust me? Anyways, I don't want to live in pain, but I think that I do love my husband and the feelings for the friend are more of a long-term bump in the road than really a reason to divorce my husband. I don't think I want more kids with anybody really, am pretty happy with the one I have now. But I really don't want my child to have two homes, step parents, etc. So leaving my husband really isn't an option for me right now. It doesn't even matter whether the friend loves me or not.l (think he does, hope he doesn't). Edited March 3, 2017 by lia123 Typo Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Ok Then i see no solution for the situation:( (i understood: You were friends with Now h when you met and fell in love with "friend, hence the trustissue, exaggerated by the fact that you dont\didnt know what you want and went on with Now h) Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I Hope that your "friend Will find a woman who truly loves him and your husband too:( right Now your playing with 3 Peoples hearts:( Link to post Share on other sites
Author lia123 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 I Hope that your "friend Will find a woman who truly loves him and your husband too:( right Now your playing with 3 Peoples hearts:( Dude, I told my husband about the feelings etc. and am not talking to the friend anymore. I hope that the friend will find someone who is available and will have a great relationship and I hope that I will get over this stupid stuff and will have a great life WITH my husband. But you are just being mean now! Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Ok i thought you were in love with your friend but refusing to follow the emotions:o Link to post Share on other sites
Author lia123 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 Ok i thought you were in love with your friend but refusing to follow the emotions:o Well that's true, cause I can't just follow those emotions cause I am married and a mother... so now I'll just have to suck it up! Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 If dude means man im not, just so This is woman to woman:o Hope youll find out and your friend is not in love with you too:o Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Well that's true, cause I can't just follow those emotions cause I am married and a mother... so now I'll just have to suck it up! Thats where i diagree:( you should Be a happy mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lia123 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 Thats where i diagree:( you should Be a happy mother? I don't know... I feel like if I chose to have a child it's my responsibility to act in her interest and I think it's most in her interest if she has her parents together. But also I don't think that the situation is such that I should really leave my husband for feelings for this other guy, which may or may not be 'real' if we'd actually get involved. And my husband is great also so I think it should be possible for me to be happy with him.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lia123 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 If dude means man im not, just so This is woman to woman:o Hope youll find out and your friend is not in love with you too:o No sorry, I didn't mean dude as in 'man'. English is my 3rd language so sometimes I express myself wrong maybe! Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Well that's true, cause I can't just follow those emotions cause I am married and a mother... so now I'll just have to suck it up! I don't know... I feel like if I chose to have a child it's my responsibility to act in her interest and I think it's most in her interest if she has her parents together. But also I don't think that the situation is such that I should really leave my husband for feelings for this other guy, which may or may not be 'real' if we'd actually get involved. And my husband is great also so I think it should be possible for me to be happy with him.. Ok but that is speculation and nobody knows the future anyway and all you have is right Here right Now, what you feel, that is what you live with, what your child lives with and your husband i dont know i just think following the Heart is allways the right Path, we Can think everything to death:( Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 My husband still thinks it's overreacting to not be in touch with the best friend anymore. But I just can't have fun with the two of them and not have these feelings. So I have stopped all contact now. I have two more questions to you (am prepared for your harshness now...): - do I tell the friend about this or do I just ignore him forever now? That feels weird I guess because he is still part of 'our' (my family, my friends, my child) life but telling him also seems weird - how do I get over the totally irrational anger I'm feeling towards my husband which makes it pretty hard to just have a good time and be a 'loving' wife? I know he did nothing wrong, but it hurts that I can't talk to the friend (even though my husband didn't say I can't or anything). That is because your BH does not or is not capable of seeing the danger with you not having NC with the OM. You must be strong for your marriage to survive. You go NC and just ghost the OM. Your anger is the reaction to you. the addict, being cut off from your favorite drug, the OM. You are blaming your BH for your addiction and having to go through withdrawals from your drug/OM. Normal addict response. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I don't know... I feel like if I chose to have a child it's my responsibility to act in her interest and I think it's most in her interest if she has her parents together. But also I don't think that the situation is such that I should really leave my husband for feelings for this other guy, which may or may not be 'real' if we'd actually get involved. And my husband is great also so I think it should be possible for me to be happy with him.. Lia, you're right on here. You took vows and chose to create a family. Too many people today are ready to ditch their vows to love, honor and cherish their spouses for a "crush". Love actually is a choice not an emotion that comes and goes. (I've been married for 34 years and there are definitely hills and valleys but if you can't count on your spouse, why ever get married) One chooses to stay committed and engaged with their spouse, not shop around while being married. Yes, you have strayed into an EM however you have taken the first steps to repair this. Your resentment is normal and you understanding where the resentment is coming from and not projecting it to your H is key to the recovery. Your next step is to re-engage with your H. Look for ways to make him your new crush. Do things to show him that you value him. Go back to the time you took those vows and remember how the two of you interacted. Anytime you have thoughts of the "friend" go to him, give him hugs and kisses. Over time the feelings will die but not if you're in contact with the OM. I would also suggest your H dramatically reduce his time with the friend until those feelings have died. It troubles me greatly when I hear words like, It's all about you, forget the commitments made, just do whatever (step on whomever) you need to inorder to "be happy". One cannot put one's happiness on someone else. Your happiness depends on you being happy with yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Good for you Lia, for being honest with your husband. That must have been hard. I would also say that your anger is misdirected at your husband... You are upset and angry that you will not have contact with the friend anymore and you are misdirecting that anger toward your husband. You get over your anger by telling yourself, HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG. This is your problem and the lack of contact is because of you. Invest in your family, focus on creating a lovely home and good memories with them. Find some new friends, start a new hobby... Just take your mind of the other man. Get some counselling if you need it - perhaps one or two visits would give you some tools to really help you out. I can't say for sure, not knowing you or the situation, but I would argue that this "EA" is not unlike any other... You have an attraction and you have built a fantasy around this man... Of course, the fun and excitement of another man, the lack of daily stress will make the idea of that relationship seem attractive... Just remember, what you have with your husband and child is real. Focus on your family, and the rest will fade away... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I have two more questions to you (am prepared for your harshness now...): - do I tell the friend about this or do I just ignore him forever now? That feels weird I guess because he is still part of 'our' (my family, my friends, my child) life but telling him also seems weird - how do I get over the totally irrational anger I'm feeling towards my husband which makes it pretty hard to just have a good time and be a 'loving' wife? I know he did nothing wrong, but it hurts that I can't talk to the friend (even though my husband didn't say I can't or anything). Good for you for pushing through and talking to your husband about the situation clearly. Don't tell the friend anything unless he forces the situation. It will be easier on both of you if you just pretend you completely lost interest. If you try to talk to him you will make it more dramatic and keep reinforcing your feelings, and he will be confused and pulled further in. If you just ignore him, he will probably figure you got over it and move on... and you may find that by totally ignoring him as much as possible, those feelings DO fade, or at least retreat to a place where you can wall them off and forget them. You're going to be sulky at your husband for a little bit, that is a natural reaction. However, you know in your head that it isn't really his fault, and as long as you keep reminding yourself of that, the resentment will fade out in a little while. Give yourself a day or two to relax and make yourself calm, then schedule doing something fun together and remind yourself that you love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Why the **** Are People supperting her to sacrifice her own wellbeing for her "Family" its enough she herself lives after such selfdestructive thoughts:mad: Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 lia123 you should be very proud of yourself for making the right choices for you, your husband and your family. You are doing the right thing. And of course you feelings of anger are misdirected at your husband, probably for a lot of reasons. Some of them have been laid out already. Some other reasons could be: 1) Maybe you thought your husband should have been more upset about what you talked to him about? 2) Maybe you did not feel that he validated your feelings enough or did not take the situation seriously because for you it was very serious. 3) Maybe you did not feel like he was worried enough that you might leave him, or that he did not appear to be fighting hard enough to keep you. There could be a host of other reasons. You need to process those feelings wherever they come from so that the resentment does not become a problem in your marriage. I applaud you for the decisions that you have made, Kudos... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Why the **** Are People supperting her to sacrifice her own wellbeing for her "Family" its enough she herself lives after such selfdestructive thoughts:mad: Following your heart is a good thing but you need the self-awareness to know what your heart actually IS. It is NOT a good thing to turn your life upside-down every time you get a vague whim. I know people who do this and their lives are a mess. "Ooo, I want to be a parent, let's drop everything and buy a house in the country and have a bunch of babies!" "Man, all the work involved in buying a house was really boring and frustrating. I don't want kids anymore. Let's move to Japan instead." "Working in management is dull! I quit my job today, I want to be an actress." "Ugh, trying to find work as an actress is impossible! Will you loan me $10K so I can start my own company?" If a poster here is truly unhappy in their current relationship, most of us will encourage them to leave and/or seek counselling to see if the relationship can be repaired. But just because you are attracted to someone else does not mean that attraction is enduring and does not mean your current relationship is over/doomed. Fleeting attractions are COMMON and most of them, in the end, are meaningless. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Following your heart is a good thing but it is NOT a good thing to turn your life upside-down every time you get a vague whim. But just because you are attracted to someone else does not mean that attraction is enduring and does not mean your current relationship is over/doomed. Fleeting attractions are COMMON and most of them, in the end, are meaningless. So true. OP has stated that she loves her husband and she wants to keep her family together. Turning her family life upside down because she feels an attraction or is infatuated with another man is not a good idea. Life will be much more complicated and not necessarily any happier if she has an affair or leaves her husband for this other man. Just because you think you want something, doesn't mean that it's good for you or that you should have it. And, I would ask OP after reading your last post, what was your husband's reaction to the news that his best friend has been participating in these conversations and long hugs? I would think that most men would not welcome this news, particularly about someone they consider to be a close friend... Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Why the **** Are People supperting her to sacrifice her own wellbeing for her "Family" its enough she herself lives after such selfdestructive thoughts:mad: Some people have no clue on how to have a healthy marriage. Having an affair does nothing for the well being of the WS, the BS the marriage and the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Why the **** Are People supperting her to sacrifice her own wellbeing for her "Family" its enough she herself lives after such selfdestructive thoughts:mad: I run into half a dozen intelligent, attractive women I could probably be very happy with every day. Unless one has the emotional version of ADHD, you learn to put those feelings into context and focus on the good things in your existing relationship. It's equal parts commitment and self-discipline... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 I run into half a dozen intelligent, attractive women I could probably be very happy with every day. Unless one has the emotional version of ADHD, you learn to put those feelings into context and focus on the good things in your existing relationship. It's equal parts commitment and self-discipline... Mr. Lucky I wouldnt want to be married to you then;) love should Be easy Natural like to birds staying faithful to each other, If somebody has to fight with himself to stay true to me No Thanks:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 (edited) I run into half a dozen intelligent, attractive women I could probably be very happy with every day. Unless one has the emotional version of ADHD, you learn to put those feelings into context and focus on the good things in your existing relationship. It's equal parts commitment and self-discipline... Mr. Lucky I wouldnt want to be married to you then:cool: Edited March 4, 2017 by Noideanow Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 (edited) I wouldnt want to be married to you then:cool: love should Be easy Natural like to birds staying faithful to each other, If somebody has to fight with himself to stay true to me No Thanks:cool: You know that your relationship is good when it feels easy. But, if you think that relationships are easy and all good times, you are sadly mistaken. Anyone who has ever been in a long term relationship or marriage knows that every relationship goes through good and bad times. All relationships take attention and commitment to grow and stay together as both partners move through life. And, to suggest that OP should leave her marriage to a man with whom she has committed to share her life, and forever alter the life of her child, because she feels a fleeting attraction to another man, is just plain selfish and immature. Just as your response to Mr. Lucky's recent post shows an immaturity and lack of respect. Edited March 4, 2017 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Some people have no clue on how to have a healthy marriage. Having an affair does nothing for the well being of the WS, the BS the marriage and the children. Totally agree therefore a divorce is only sane option& Link to post Share on other sites
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