in love with husbands best friend for years

[lia123]

So I was talking to my (female) friend about all this and she said that she believes that sometimes it's better to get a divorce and that being in love with someone else for 7 years maybe means that I should at a certain moment get with the other guy. Even though my husband is great, but our relationship was sort of a rational decision (good fit, good friends, let's do it) and that maybe that just doesn't work in the long term.

 

Now I disagree with her because my daughter is my nr. 1 priority and also my husband is a very nice guy (especially when I read topics here about other people's husbands I feel like I've won the lottery...).

 

But I was wondering how you think about this kind of stuff. Is being in love with someone else for for instance 10 years a reason to maybe pursue that?

 

Here still not in touch with the best friend. Am ignoring his texts and ditched a skype appointment we were supposed to have. I hate it but think it's a good idea still.

[BluesPower]

Sorry but your friend is a moron...

 

Listen, you have a husband who is a great guy. Is the sex good and frequent enough?

 

This is the growing up stuff that I was talking about earlier. You need to make a decision and stick with it.

 

This friend, is she happily married?

[lia123]

Sorry but your friend is a moron...

 

Listen, you have a husband who is a great guy. Is the sex good and frequent enough?

 

This is the growing up stuff that I was talking about earlier. You need to make a decision and stick with it.

 

This friend, is she happily married?

 

haha I don't know whether my friend is a moron, but her relationship advice is more often a little off I guess. She herself single and also has no kids so I think she might underestimate that commitment.

 

And I agree with you about the growing up stuff and taking responsibility. However, what she said also kind of makes sense to me a little. I mean, what if marrying someone was a mistake (not necessarily so in my case!) and you love someone else for the rest of your life, doesn't it make sense to admit it was a mistake and get a divorce? Again, this is not my plan at all - I want to make this work with my husband. But in general I guess I do think it could be the best solution.

[BaileyB]

Don't listen to your friend.

 

What you feel for this other man isn't love... It is a fantasy. You have a crush on This man while what you have with your husband is a real relationship and a family.

 

But hey, if you want to go chasing rainbows, nobody is going to stop you.

 

Just think long and hard because, what you find on the other side may not be any better than what you have right now... At this point, you have no idea if you are truly compatable with this man or not. You don't actually know if he will be faithful to you (let's face it, he's chasing his best friend's wife so he already sounds like a bit of an *********). You don't actually know much more than the fact that you find him attractive and that, does not make a successful or happy relationship.

 

And if you do leave your husband, you can expect that you both will lose your relationship with your husband, you will have to share custody of your child, you won't be able to move away to live with this man (because you will need to stay near your child), you will lose friends and family, and you will lose money in the divorce. Is the stress of a divorce and shared custody of your child going to steal the excitement of a new relationship...

 

Please, if you are really this tormented - find a good counsellor to help you to understand your feelings and make a good decision. I would hate for you to make an impulsive decision based on emotion only to learn after the fact that you made the wrong decision, and destroyed your family for something that wasn't what you wanted it to be. Good luck to you.

[BaileyB]

I mean, what if marrying someone was a mistake (not necessarily so in my case!) and you love someone else for the rest of your life, doesn't it make sense to admit it was a mistake and get a divorce? .

 

Well then, you go to counselling to decide if marrying your husband was a mistake, or if you are being unrealistic in what you are thinking about marriage and this other man right now...

 

You DO NOT make a decision about your marriage and leave your husband and child for another man... Bringing another person into the decision only clouds your judgement and distorts your thinking.

 

Deal with your marriage first. Go to counselling and decide if you want to married to this man or not. Do this for your child - don't break her home up without serious thought and consideration.

[lia123]

Well then, you go to counselling to decide if marrying your husband was a mistake, or if you are being unrealistic in what you are thinking about marriage and this other man right now...

 

You DO NOT make a decision about your marriage and leave your husband and child for another man... Bringing another person into the decision only clouds your judgement and distorts your thinking.

 

Deal with your marriage first. Go to counselling and decide if you want to married to this man or not. Do this for your child - don't break her home up without serious thought and consideration.

 

I really (really!!) agree. I'm not going to do anything with the guy. I is as just thinking what if in 2, 3, 5 years everything is still the same. Is it for ever the right thing to stay with my husband if I find that I really do love this other man. Because it has been going on for so long (literally since before my relationship with my husband started) I am afraid it might be real. And the other guy, my husbands friend, really really is amazing- and he is really not chasing me- if anything he has been holding the whole thing back. Not that it really matters but I feel I should mention it here anyway... he is super loyal to my husband so I think that even if I'd decide to get a divorce he'd not start a relationship with me. But then still if I love someone else more then my husband perhaps it's the fairer option to leave.

 

Not now though, now I'm going to try to make my marriage works

[BluesPower]

See, she is not even smart enough to see what you have and part of her wants that.

 

When you get married and have children, your priorities change from you to your child and your husband. This is how it should be.

 

She has no frame of reference and no discernment about what you actually have in your life.

 

You actually have a man in your life that loves you and your daughter more than you can actually know. As a woman, you have a kind of nurturing love and guys can have that as well. But for men, it is kind of different in some ways. Men usually have a more protective love about their family and frankly would actually kill any one that threatened them.

 

Men think in term of "I would and will sacrifice my life for my wife and child." And the thing is that you should recognize that on your end.

 

It is not less love than woman have but it is different.

 

Most women want what you already have. A loving husband, a wonderful child, a lot of people do get that in their lives.

 

And part of you, because you really don't have the self awareness to understand it fully, actually has fleeting thoughts of throwing it all way for an OM that actually has none of the love and commitment that your husband has.

 

Part of your feelings for him are based on fantasy of what was years ago. Part of it is the connections that you have with him.

 

You see, many woman will give advice of "You deserve to be with someone that is the love of your life, the supreme love, the soul mate type of love, and something that if you went for it may not actually work out.

 

When you have the deeper type of love with your husband that is more substantial and more meaning full.

 

That is why she is a moron, because she is not smart enough to realize that the advice she is giving you is actually stupid.

 

Question is, what does that make you for even listening to it...

[Friskyone4u]

So I was talking to my (female) friend about all this and she said that she believes that sometimes it's better to get a divorce and that being in love with someone else for 7 years maybe means that I should at a certain moment get with the other guy. Even though my husband is great, but our relationship was sort of a rational decision (good fit, good friends, let's do it) and that maybe that just doesn't work in the long term.

 

Now I disagree with her because my daughter is my nr. 1 priority and also my husband is a very nice guy (especially when I read topics here about other people's husbands I feel like I've won the lottery...).

 

But I was wondering how you think about this kind of stuff. Is being in love with someone else for for instance 10 years a reason to maybe pursue that?

 

Here still not in touch with the best friend. Am ignoring his texts and ditched a skype appointment we were supposed to have. I hate it but think it's a good idea still.

 

 

Your first course of action would be to stop asking this genius for advice. misguided advice from "girlfriends" is one of the primary causes of ruining marriages, once an affair is discovered and before.

 

Lia, sorry, but your girlfriends are for the most part going to tell you what you want to hear. If you were actually having sex with this OM, you can count on this girlfriend would be encouraging you and telling you its OK if you are happy. She would also tell you to deny deny if caught.

 

You are on a really slippery slope here because now it has gone from a question about a crush on hubbys best friend to talking with your friends about maybe ditching hubby to get with OM. And this is INCREASING your longing for this "fantasy " relationship. And scheduling a SKYPE session still, whether you show up or not is insane if you want to stay married.

 

You are being totally dishonest, withholding this from your husband, and giving him the opportunity to know what you are talking to your girlfriends about.

 

if this continues, you can fool yourself into thinking your child is going to stop it once your secret boyfriend comes back to town. You are in a deep emotional affair, egged on by your friends or friends.

 

Your clueless husband, and I say clueless because he appears to be one of those guys who will play ostrich until he catches you sleeping with his friend, needs to be sat down and you need to tell him what you and girlfriend are discussing. My bet is you sure would not want him hearing that and that means you are lying and betraying your husband

[somanymistakes]

Given my background of course I think that feelings that last so long may be real - however, that's still not a good reason to leave a perfectly good marriage.

 

Your relationship with your husband needs to stand or fall on its own merits. The fact that there are other people out there that you COULD have a good relationship with should never be the reason you end things.

 

There are always opportunities you give up when you make a decision in your life. You choose to live one place, that means you're not living somewhere else. Maybe it would be really nice somewhere else! But you can't try them ALL out at the same time, and if you're constantly thinking about all the other options it will destroy what you have.

[BaileyB]

And the other guy, my husbands friend, really really is amazing- and he is really not chasing me- if anything he has been holding the whole thing back. Not that it really matters but I feel I should mention it here anyway... he is super loyal to my husband.

 

I'm sorry hun, but this guy is not a good friend to you or your husband. If he was a loyal friend, he would be shutting you down and leaving you alone. You said that you have been ingnoring his texts and skipping a Skype session this week, that's not the behavior of a good friend who knows that you are crossing inappropriate boundaries and is choosing to honor his his friendship and respect your marriage.

 

You are in an EA and you don't realize how much you are involved with this man.

 

I'm not saying this to be unkind, but your posts have the maturity of a high school girl who is dating the nicest guy in your class, but is totally infatuated with the captain of the football team. When he turns your head and gives you some attention, you are so infatuated with the "idea" of him that you are willing to throw your relationship away...

 

But yes, if you are still "in love" with this man in 2, 3, 5, 10 years then maybe you should leave your husband because frankly, he deserves more than a wife who doesn't appreciate what she has and has lived throughout her marriage with a fantasy that she loves another man more than she loves her husband. You can go chasing your rainbows then...

 

Get some counselling!

[BaileyB]

Your relationship with your husband needs to stand or fall on its own merits. The fact that there are other people out there that you COULD have a good relationship with should never be the reason you end things.

 

There are always opportunities you give up when you make a decision in your life. You choose to live one place, that means you're not living somewhere else. Maybe it would be really nice somewhere else! But you can't try them ALL out at the same time, and if you're constantly thinking about all the other options it will destroy what you have.

 

Reposted, just for you to read it once again...

[lia123]

Again not that it matters but I feel I have to say; he really is a good friendship.. the text at were in a group text thing with my husband also there. The Skype session was also with the 3 of us. We have been best friends for the last 6 years or so, doing everything with the 3 of us. And people sometimes found it weird that we went on vacation with the 3 of us, celebrate Christmas with the 3 of us and that kind of thing, but it worked for us so it was fine I think. Only now I have been having a hard time with the situation and that's why I posted it here, to hear your opinions. And I am happy I did cause it opened my eyes that I was going to far and should stop being in touch with him, definitely for a while till it settles. But he is really not to blame for this EA, it's much more my doing than his. Anyways that doesn't matter but on a side note.

 

And it's true that I sound immature maybe... I also know about myself that I like to have a little bit of drama in my life, which is stupid and not suitable for a woman my age and a mother etc. so I try to keep that part of me under control.

 

In any case, I think I have a pretty good idea of how strangers feel about the situation. I am going to follow the advice and keep the contact away. He's living on the other side of the world for at least 1,5 more years so I guess that should be enough time to get over the feeling/fantasy/long term crush.

 

And I really do appreciate what you (several of you) are saying about how I have no idea about how this 'love' would be with this guy and how I have a pretty good thing going with my husband and that it's a choice etc. But at the moment I'm kind of depressed about this hole situation and that blurs my rationality...

[BaileyB]

Lia,

 

It's good that you are open to hearing and considering everyone's advice. You are correct, we don't know the whole situation - only you know the relationships and people involved in your life.

 

I will say, I have a very dear friend who is married to another friend, we all went to high school together. When I was single, we spent a lot of time together... I would visit them and their children, we have traveled together, and when her husband comes home to visit his parents, we often have "date nights" (I say this with humor because people will ask what I'm doing that weekend, and I will say "I have a date with my best friend's husband." At their look of horror, I respond "oh no, she knows about it and she is fine with it."). We are just very old, very close friends. In fact, when my boyfriend met my friends, they laughed and asked him if I had told them that I went on their first date. In my defence, we were all friends at the time and they didn't tell me that it was their first date;). Very old, and dear, friends.

 

But, we are able to do this because I respect their marriage and I have absolutely no attraction or romantic feelings toward her husband. It is possible, and it's wonderful to have such dear friends... but not if you feel an attraction and you harbour a fantasy about having a relationship with this man.

 

I hope you do go to speak with a counsellor, I think it will help you to grow and understand yourself and your marriage. You seem like a lovely person, I would think that one or two visits would help tremendously. I think you, and your family, deserve that. Best wishes to you.

Edited March 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

Again not that it matters but I feel I have to say; he really is a good friendship.. the text at were in a group text thing with my husband also there. The Skype session was also with the 3 of us. We have been best friends for the last 6 years or so, doing everything with the 3 of us. And people sometimes found it weird that we went on vacation with the 3 of us, celebrate Christmas with the 3 of us and that kind of thing, but it worked for us so it was fine I think. Only now I have been having a hard time with the situation and that's why I posted it here, to hear your opinions. And I am happy I did cause it opened my eyes that I was going to far and should stop being in touch with him, definitely for a while till it settles. But he is really not to blame for this EA, it's much more my doing than his. Anyways that doesn't matter but on a side note.

 

You are correct, this isn't his fault. But nonetheless, your feelings for him make his presence in your social circle a danger to your marriage. And for that reason alone, you should cut contact with him.

 

You're going to have to prioritize your husband or him. Hopefully, it's not a difficult choice...

 

Mr. Lucky