Why am I the one who is hurting?

[Lonelyandsad123]

I was with my soon to be ex-husband for over 8 years, but we only got married in the summer. Life was great and we were both (seemingly) happy and had good jobs. Before Christmas, it all came crashing down when he got drunk and got handsy with a family member, which then unleashed a whole lot of problems and uncovered sex/porn addictions that he's had. I had ignored some red flags, but I did not know the extent of his addiction. I thought it was just a man being a man watching porn. I know that after everything that has happened, I can't go back to him, and it would never be the same. He also came clean about similar instances when he's been drunk and made "mistakes" like that.

 

I'm young and I know it will get better in time, but I'm dealing with so many emotions. I'm mortified that I had this big wedding so recently, and I had to tell people I was getting divorced before even sending thank you notes. I also am mortified that a family member was involved in this, as she is now dealing with issues of her own. I was the one who ultimately made the decision, but every time I see or talk to him, he shows a lot of remorse and is finally deciding to get help.

 

A little over one month after our break up, I found out that he met someone at work and started dating her. For the first month, I was a mess, but somewhat okay knowing that he was struggling in similar ways. Now, he is moving on with someone else and I am sad and alone even though he is the one that ruined everything. I feel like I am letting my own insecurities and self doubt get the best of me and obsessing about his new relationship, but I can't get it out of my head. I also found out that he has taken her to nice restaurants and done nice things with her and he had never made quite that same effort with me in the 8 years we were together.

 

I feel so dumb and I feel like I was in a relationship with someone that I thought I knew, but ultimately I didn't. I don't know how to turn my emotions around, because up until the day things hit the fan, he was my best friend and the only person I could truly speak honestly to. Now I feel betrayed, alone, and lost. Any words of advice or encouragement would be much appreciated.

[Mr. Lucky]

I posted similar thoughts in another thread. Marriage, good or bad, becomes a habit and part of the separation/divorce process is unlearning those rituals and associations. My ex-wife blew our marriage up in a similarly public and painful way - but I still spent some months missing her after the split. It just goes with the territory, regardless of whether or not you're doing the right thing (you are!).

 

Give it time, stay busy and physically active and lean on family and friends. This too will pass. Keep posting, much good support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[John03]

Hi lonelyandsad123,

 

Yes mr lucky is right, lean on your friends and family and this too shall pass. I was with my ex wife for 7 years got married then 7 months later it ended, so don't feel like your alone. There are lots of short marriages out there. I felt the same way emotionally when it happened, it's part of the process. You have to feel all these emotions so you can work through them to heal. You made the right choice and don't think that your ex was the only person you can have a connection with, there are lots of people out there!

 

Stay busy and active, find stuff you like to do that maybe you couldn't do with your ex. Don't beat yourself up, stay positive.

[happyonislands]

You are a great person who is sensitive, compassionate and kind.

Please remember that you cannot control other’s feelings or behavior. We all have the freedom of choice; however, I believe people can change and should be forgiven. In the meantime, work on yourself: your feelings, your hurts, your disappointments. I know life does not go as planned, but there is hope for the future.

Also, have you considered speaking with a trusted friend, pastor or counselor?

Hang in there. I wish you all the best.