I can't entirely understand what's happened - long post alert

[The_Dork_Lard]

Hello all,

 

This is very long, but I'm really hoping for some clarity and help because I'm in a bad place. If anybody cares to read, please help me understand what has happened here. I'd be very grateful. At the end I have 3 theories, and need help deciding which one is perhaps right.

 

Between Jan 2010 and Jan 2013 I had a relationship with a fellow mature student from university. I'd never experienced such intensity from a woman, she always seemed giddy around me, borderline stalking me at one point. We only ever managed full penetrative sex twice in that time because she couldn't seem to handle the emotional intensity of it. She seemed full of fear about it with me, and stopped me on the many other times we tried. Nevertheless, we were very tactile in other ways, I thought she was very attractive, and I felt very close to her and I believe we loved each other. She felt a real friend. She had a soothing calm temperament, we slept at each others' houses, and I got along very well with her young daughter. I believe we loved each other.

 

However, for the last few months she began distancing herself a little, and then suddenly cut me off in Jan 2013 on my 34th birthday. She'd met somebody else (from now on I shall call him Dave), and told me I couldn't give her what she wanted, which was long term monogamous security, and somebody to grow old with (she was to be 40 later that year). At the time I was seeing another woman also (who is no longer in my life), and this was acknowledged and accepted by both women - I was experimenting with non-monogamy for a while. I was also halfway through my final year at uni and halfway through my dissertation, so this was a major distraction. I was hurt she abruptly left my life, but not devastated. However, not a single day went by where I didn't think of her, and often fantasised about one day seeing her again.

 

Fast forward to mid-Sep 2016, and things suddenly get interesting. I randomly thought about emailing her, and literally 2 days later I receive one from her, after nearly 4 years of silence. It seemed very positive, so I emailed back, and the next couple I receive said things like she'd driven past my house, but was too nervous to knock. They said she missed me through those 4 years. They said she'd searched for me online and saw a picture of me receiving some award for something I won, and also found my dissertation and read it, congratulating me. They said she always kept seeing cars like mine, and always saw the company vehicles of who I worked for, and she'd look to see if it was me. She apologised for cutting me off, and asked what I was upto these days. She addressed me by a pet name she used to call me, and told me I have always meant a lot to her. She suggested meeting me in person as she wanted to rekindle a friendship. She also mentioned she is still with Dave, and had been living with him for 3 years.

 

It took her 6 weeks to actually meet me as it was very awkward with her home life, and being able to go out without being questioned, and my work schedule is quite heavy at times with days/hours being anti-social.

 

Anyway, I met her 4 times in all, and the meetings went like this - as briefly as I can. All lasted between 2 and 3 hours (her choice - I'd have had her with me for longer), all at my house.

 

Meeting 1 - 6 weeks after initial contact - big hug and general catch up. She seemed really nervous, but was on time, and very excited, smelling of perfume and looking very nice. I couldn't believe she was sat on my couch talking to me. We clicked as if we'd only seen each other the previous week. It felt unbelievable. All seemed positive with me. After this meeting she sent me an email telling me she felt love, nostalgia, sexual attraction, and respect, and called me a strong man who she admired - heavy flattery in hindsight. This really pulled me in, as it's been a while since I'd had such attention shown.

 

Meeting 2 - 2 months after meeting 1 - she opened up more and told me she isn't happy with Dave, is bored with him, and is planning to leave him, as the stability she so craved earlier turned into a "boring old marriage". She gave me a really long embrace as she left. All seemed positive with me.

 

Meeting 3 - 1 month after meeting 2 - This time she turned up late, and said it was because she'd fallen asleep. She told me that after telling Dave she wants a trial separation he owned the situation and packed his bags and left very quickly while she was at work. She told me it shocked her and that she spent a week not eating and sleeping - this happened just 3 weeks before this meeting. In this time he'd not been in contact apart from finalising their financial arrangements. She seemed upset he was not missing her. Nevertheless, whilst sat with me she put her legs over mine, and we were holding hands. Before she left, she embraced me again, really long, and I instinctively kissed her, properly, tenderly. After more than 4 years, I was kissing her again. She was receptive, and at that moment I felt my heart fall for her again, I felt we were getting close. It was one of the most memorable kisses of my entire life. A real moment. That night, my guts started rumbling, I knew something was wrong, and I think this meeting was the turning point for some reason.

 

I received a text 3 days later saying she didn't want a relationship with me as she didn't want to get broken hearted as she believed I wasn't a one-woman man. I've changed since those early days so I told her this, and we arranged to meet and talk it over.

 

Meeting 4 - 2 weeks after meeting 3 - she turned up 1 hour late wearing a trampy old coat and declaring almost from the outset that she can't stay long. Her daughter was away for 5 days, I was off work for a week, she was off work for a week, it should have been a perfect opportunity to spend some time with each other. We spoke about her not wanting an intimate relationship with me. She told me she didn't want to get too close because she didn't want to get heartbroken. We agreed to stop talking about the status of our friendship/relationship, and just see what happens. So we switched the conversation and kept if lighthearted for the next hour or so. This time, as she left, she embraced me for a really long time, but once she let go seemed as if she couldn't wait to get away, it was weird. I got really mixed signals. As soon as she left, I knew what to expect, and I received it on the exact day I predicated it: an email cutting me off.

 

This was Feb 15th. She said she isn't ready for an intimate relationship with anybody right now, and that because our mutual attraction is so strong, that there is no way it couldn't get intimate. She said she wants to avoid a broken heart. She said she is letting me go because she loves me and doesn't want me waiting for her, that she is not rejecting me, but is rejecting an intimate relationship with me. She kept telling me I mean a lot to her, and that I'm one of the most important people in her life. Since the email I've not contacted her. I've become good and disciplined at no contact. Yet that only facilitates speedier healing, whereas processing what happened and accepting it is the actual work. The worst part is, she said twice in that email "I need to cut you off for the time being", implying a return to contact. She's either sincere about love, or she is a complete sociopath.

 

So, since Sep 2016 I've spent about 8 hours in her company, half of which she was late for, and here I am feeling half devastated, unable to make sense of it all. Her words are a million miles from her actions, and this is why I'm confused. Though her words reflect so many consistent patterns (strong attraction, fear of getting hurt, love for me, missing me so much over the years, etc) her actions spell the opposite (spending absolute bare minimum time with me over the last 5 months, even when we had rare opportunities to spend lots of time together, turning up without making one bit of effort in her appearance most times, cutting me off pretty quickly after she got rid of Dave).

 

So I have 3 theories, and perhaps some of the women posters could help me out here.

 

1) She used me as a crutch to leave Dave. She did not want to jump into the void without knowing she has a backup option should she decide to use it. I was merely a tool on the shelf to be used. A safe option. A backup, surplus to requirements when she realised leaving Dave isn't that scary and that she'd be fine on her own. I thought of this after reflecting on her actions, as she put in the bare minimum of effort (small cost on her behalf to get something out of me). I know women are very good at manipulating men and using men as tools when they need something, and she has done this to other men. Also, "watch what they do, and not what they say" springs to mind. I feel sort of used, cheated, buttered up, emotionally raped. I feel so foolish and naive as well.

 

2) She genuinely wanted to reconnect, and when that became a possibility and a reality, she freaked out. I thought of this after reflecting on her words which seem really consistent over years, and so they must have some validity. I also thought of this when reflecting on how sex was too intense for her. I think she may have a fear of intimacy. Also, it was after I kissed her for the first time in years that I sensed something was wrong, and sure enough I received a rejection text 3 days later.

 

3) She genuinely wanted to reconnect, but realised she felt little or no attraction towards me, and needed to let me down gently. She was always complementing my physical attractiveness until Jan 2013, yet this time around she made not one direct address to it. She only referred to her sexual attraction, and only once or twice. This was quite a marked difference between now and then. The pain here for me is that I've been struggling with low self esteem and getting a little older, fading looks, and loss of youth. None of us are as cute at 38 as we were at 28 and 18. That invisible feeling is terrible, and this experience has really fed into that in a negative way.

 

It's really painful when an old lover comes back with flattery and intensity, somebody who would so easily spend days at a time with you, sleeping with, you, and laughing and joking with you, but now they won't stay for more than a couple of hours in the afternoon.

 

If you have read this far I applaud you and am so very grateful, thank you. Can you shed any light on this and help me move on? I'm doing that thing where I come home to my empty flat and burst into tears in a crumpled heap on the floor before even taking my coat off. This woman is somebody who, between Jan 2013 and now, I've spent 8 hours in their physical company. I spent more time in bed last night than with her in over 4 years, and I'm somehow reduced to a mess on and off. I'm a 38 year old man ffs. Perhaps her scarcity is why I'm a crumpled mess. That which is scarce is most desirable. Man, this feels like a dangled carrot for sure. A dangled carrot that even grazed my nose a couple of times, but then got whisked away without trace.

 

At the very least it was very cathartic writing this and getting it out there. This has been a whirlwind in my life, and I didn't need it. I was so sure she was interested and now feel so foolish for taking the bait. I don't understand her true agenda.

Edited March 2, 2017 by The_Dork_Lard