Single Mom & 15 year old daughter

[mel1968]

I have two children - daughter (15) and son (11). Their dad and I separated in 2008. We get along fairly well and live about five miles from each other. Both children have lived with me since the separation. There are periods of time when they do not visit their dad (their choice). In the past year, my son has wanted to spend each weekend with his dad and, assuming his dad is available, he spends the weekend with his dad. My daughter does not spend as much time with her dad but that is her choice. I encourage both of them to spend time with their dad.

 

I recently started to date a man. We have been dating for about five months. Boyfriend met my family (including my children) at a holiday event at my house in December. Boyfriend came to my house one Sunday for a few hours in February. My son was at his dad's house and my daughter was home. Other than these two interactions, I keep my children and boyfriend apart for the simple fact that I do not know if my relationship with boyfriend has a future and I do not want my children to become attached to him at this point in case the relationship fails.

 

I have been very devoted to my children. I've been a grade mom, been on committees, worked games, done volunteer work, medical appointments, I am home every night, deal with their problems, help with homework, etc. I am also a litigator and have my own law practice. My weeks are long and I am in trial often.

 

I really enjoy spending time with my boyfriend. We do not see each other during the week. But, I do spend some weekends at his house as it is an escape for me. I actually sleep eight or nine hours at night at his house. He is teaching me to play golf (which I really enjoy). I am enjoying time away from work and my children.

 

The problem is my daughter. She is very jealous of my time away from her. I have discovered that when I am at my boyfriend's house on the weekend, she will not stay at her dad's house and returns to my house, where she is alone at night. Last night she told me that she did not like my boyfriend, she did not like me seeing him on weekends and other comments.

 

I love my daughter dearly; however, I am enjoying time away from my children for the first time since their birth. Having that time apart makes me happy.

 

Any suggestions on how to deal with this conflict?

[noelle303]

While I wouldn't normally recommend this, maybe it wouldn't hurt to involve her more in the relationship?

 

I'm a single mom to, my daughter is 6 and my boyfriend of one year has yet to meet her. I usually also only spend time with him every other weekend when she's at her dad's house. I'm a huge advocate of not involving children in a parent's dating life.

 

However, your daughter is 15 and she does have a father who is involved in her life, I don't think she would get dangerously attached to your boyfriend. Maybe she feels possessive precisely because she feels excluded? Maybe it wouldn't hurt to plan a fun outing or dinner with the kids to get to know him better and still feel like a part of your life.

 

I would talk to her about this possibility and how she'd feel about it.

[hippychick3]

I agree with the above poster to get your boyfriend more involved with activities with your daughter. At her age, she is not going to get too attached to your bf. I have a daughter close to her age and since she spends every other week with her dad, I've been able to spend those kidless weekends with my boyfriend. She didn't meet my bf until about 1 1/2 years into our relationship, and it's been a slow process. We now spend more time together just the 3 of us and have taken a few trips together. He's great with her, she likes him, BUT she still shows signs of jealousy when my time with her is shared with him. It's just the nature of who she is and I think it's normal in a post-divorce situation especially if your daughter isn't close to her dad. You're her mother and father rolled into one, and she's come to depend on you a lot more.

 

Are you able to spend enough one on one time with her alone? That should be a priority. I'd also incorporate her more into activities with you and your bf. With that being said, though, you definitely deserve your time alone with your boyfriend and should have that. Is there another relative she can stay with when you are with him? Can you enforce that she stay at her dad's those nights you aren't home? Could the bf come to your house to sleep over when she does decide to sleep alone at home?

[mel1968]

Thank you for the comments and suggestions. I'm going to arrange a time for me, daughter and boyfriend to do something together. I mentioned to my daughter and she was excited about it (which surprised me).

[anika99]

Yeah, I think the posters here may be onto something. Everyone always says to keep your dating life seperate from your children and I've always agreed with that but perhaps that advice needs to be balanced and geared towards each individual situation.

 

In this case perhaps your daughter feels like you are living a seperate life that she is being excluded from. As someone else said, at her age she isn't likely to see him as a parent figure and get too attached, especially since she has a dad whom she sees. She's more likely to regard your bf as no more than a friend and friends come and go.

 

Good luck with your outing together. I think your daughter is happy that you are including her.

[eyeteachscience]

Thank you for the comments and suggestions. I'm going to arrange a time for me, daughter and boyfriend to do something together. I mentioned to my daughter and she was excited about it (which surprised me).

 

Having two grown daughters and 16 years of teaching ages 11-15, I agree with the strategy you are pursuing. Your daughter is at the age where developmentally the adolescent is still extremely narcissistic so her perspective will most likely be around how she is directly or indirectly impacted by this new addition to your family dynamic.

 

This is a challenging place to be, trying to 'blend' new arrivals into an existing group. Hugs to you, and bravo for your courage. I think you are handling it extremely responsibly.

[mel1968]

I wanted to follow up on my initial post.

 

My daughter went on a shopping trip with friends. Boyfriend and I picked her up afterwards. My daughter knew in advance that boyfriend was coming over and was spending the night and that I wanted her to eat dinner with us. I told her that she should spend the night at her dad's house.

 

Five minutes before picking up my daughter, she started texting me about boyfriend spending the night and that it is her house too and she doesn't want to go to her dad's house. Mind you she has not spent the night at her dad's house in a few months.

 

We picked her up. Boyfriend asked how she was and how the shopping trip was. She completely ignored him. She was rude. We got to the restaurant. Boyfriend continued to talk to her. She started to talk to him. She has her learner's permit so she drove home. I arranged for us to go to an escape room which the three of us did together. She said she had a good time.

 

I thought they got along well. Boyfriend invited her to go golfing with us or to go to another escape room.

 

I think she is very jealous that I have interests that do not involve her. It has been difficult listening to her comments and attacks on me; however, I really feel that I need this break in my life from her. And, I do enjoy doing things with boyfriend.