How do I get over my resentment of my husband's vacations without me?

[lilypad10]

Hi all,

 

A few months ago I posted about my husband leaving for vacations without notifying me beforehand and not texting me while he was gone. Lucky for me, this has changed and now he tells me when he leaves and I hear from him at least once a day.

 

But I still can't get over my anger.

 

We are in our mid-30s without children. We both work long hours. We have been married since June 2016 and moved in together at that time. We dated for 2 years before that.

 

We took one vacation in October 2016 lasting 1 week and none together since then. Since November 2016, he has taken 5 skiing/mountain biking vacations either by himself or with his friends, all lasting 5 to 7 days. They are all out of state. Our schedules are different and my days off are generally not his days off. I am not invited to these trips since they do not overlap with my schedule.

 

He is not organized enough to look at my Google calendar, which is synced with his phone, to see which days I have off and to request those days off from his work. He is allowed to request days off frequently as his schedule is released 3 weeks at a time. I am unable to request days off at my work because my schedule is set in stone 8 months in advance.

 

Before we got married, his skiing and mountain biking had not taken extreme precedence in his life. Had I known that he was going to be taking these vacations at the expense of my life with him, it would have been a dealbreaker for me and I never would have thought of marrying him or anyone like this.

 

Since I have expressed my displeasure, he had arranged for 1 night for us to go out of town (an hour away) for a getaway. This was fun but it was the only time since October 2016.

 

My anger stems from his dedication and organization in planning these trips for himself and his friends and a lack of responsibility toward planning for us. One day for us versus 5 weeks for him and his friends?! He organizes everything for his activity trips with his friends -- lodging, transportation, all of it.

 

He has shown that he is making a stride for our relationship with arranging this one day out for us, but I don't feel like that's enough.

 

My life is fulfilled in other ways. I have an incredibly supportive family and group of friends. But this is something I need from a spouse.

 

How do I get over it? Do I need a therapist to get over my anger and resentment?

[NTV]

what does being mad about it do for you?

[elaine567]

Since November 2016, he has taken 5 skiing/mountain biking vacations either by himself or with his friends, all lasting 5 to 7 days. They are all out of state. Our schedules are different and my days off are generally not his days off. I am not invited to these trips since they do not overlap with my schedule.

 

...Before we got married, his skiing and mountain biking had not taken extreme precedence in his life. Had I known that he was going to be taking these vacations at the expense of my life with him, it would have been a dealbreaker for me and I never would have thought of marrying him or anyone like this.

 

If you are honest with yourself it is still a dealbreaker.

This is not how you envisaged married life. He is basically a single guy leading a single man's existence and does not take you into any consideration whatsoever.

Sports and hobbies are great but when they encroach into every vacation and are selfishly and slavishly followed to the exclusion of a marriage then divorce usually follows.

YOU are the nagging wife spoiling his fun and he is the selfish husband who chooses his friends and his sport over you.

YOU cannot go to therapy for this, this is basic incompatibility.

In order for both to get their way, then one or the other suffers.

 

Yes, you could force him to compromise and stay at home with you or go on holidays to somewhere you want, but he will still hanker after going off with his friends and will end up resenting you for it.

Or you can give him his way and just continue to smoulder at home for years and it will ruin your life.

Add kids to the mix and eventually you will be a single mother, whether you remain married to him or not..

Guys like this tend to make poor fathers as essentially it is all about him and his needs and wants.

[Clockwatching]

Have you told him how you feel and why? We ladies *ahem* tend to get angry, not tell the guy how we feel and why we're upset, they withdraw because they don't know what's wrong, we get angrier, they withdraw more.. rinse and repeat and hello downward spiral!

 

He may not see what he's doing if he's otherwise a good guy, and true, he may be doing it as a reaction to marriage and worries about losing his independence, but you need to have a heart to heart with him to see what's going on with him. Again if he's a generally good guy it's probably not intended to hurt you, but you need to be clear on why you're upset and how it makes you feel and be prepared to hear what his intention is behind his actions before you can resolve it.

 

I wouldn't write him off straight away, we all have issues and hang ups of some description. Obviously if you can't work out something that works for you both then you'll have to rethink, but your first step is an open heart to heart I think.

 

This isn't just your issue so I don't think you need to be going to therapy by yourself when you're hurt, there's a reason for it and nothing is wrong with you. I think most people would feel the same way and wonder what's going on.

[BettyDraper]

His behavior is selfish and inconsiderate. There's nothing wrong married couples taking separate vacations but that should be agreed upon first. I can't believe that your husband thinks it's okay to go away without even letting you know. You're his wife and not his roommate.

 

I wish that couples would discuss such issues before marriage. It would probably lower the divorce rate. In any case, you will need to have a serious talk with your husband. He needs to remember that he doesn't live alone anymore. A compromise could work well; maybe your husband can go away with his friends a few times a year but you need to be aware of it.

[camillalev]

You don't. He's being selfish and not prioritizing you, his wife and life partner. He's showing you other aspects of his life are more important to him than you are. Talk to him and show him that this is not ok. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Also who the hell in a marriage takes off on vacation without telling their spouse and not contacting them while theyre away? Incredibly selfish behavior and nothing about it is ok.

 

Also, it sounds like he planned that measly 1 night away simply because you said something about it, not because he's excited to share adventures and quality time with you, like he is his friends.

[lilypad10]

You don't. He's being selfish and not prioritizing you, his wife and life partner. He's showing you other aspects of his life are more important to him than you are. Talk to him and show him that this is not ok. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Also who the hell in a marriage takes off on vacation without telling their spouse and not contacting them while theyre away? Incredibly selfish behavior and nothing about it is ok.

 

Also, it sounds like he planned that measly 1 night away simply because you said something about it, not because he's excited to share adventures and quality time with you, like he is his friends.

 

Unfortunately I do feel that he is throwing me a bone here and there but that truly, deep inside, his life apart from me is more important. He swears up and down that he doesn't value his friends and hobbies over me. Maybe he has no self-awareness? Maybe he's telling the truth but is completely unable to change his actions to make me feel important?

[lilypad10]

what does being mad about it do for you?

 

I agree it does nothing beneficial for me. But sometimes it's hard to suppress that surge.

[lilypad10]

If you are honest with yourself it is still a dealbreaker.

This is not how you envisaged married life. He is basically a single guy leading a single man's existence and does not take you into any consideration whatsoever.

Sports and hobbies are great but when they encroach into every vacation and are selfishly and slavishly followed to the exclusion of a marriage then divorce usually follows.

YOU are the nagging wife spoiling his fun and he is the selfish husband who chooses his friends and his sport over you.

YOU cannot go to therapy for this, this is basic incompatibility.

In order for both to get their way, then one or the other suffers.

 

Yes, you could force him to compromise and stay at home with you or go on holidays to somewhere you want, but he will still hanker after going off with his friends and will end up resenting you for it.

Or you can give him his way and just continue to smoulder at home for years and it will ruin your life.

Add kids to the mix and eventually you will be a single mother, whether you remain married to him or not..

Guys like this tend to make poor fathers as essentially it is all about him and his needs and wants.

 

Right. That's what I afraid of. He is making a concession and going on vacation with me in April, but the first 2 days of it he has already scheduled a trip with his buddies. I will always feel like he is going to with just to appease me and not because it is something that he wants deep inside. I think if this next vacation (by the way, that I need to plan and pay for alone) he doesn't act at least minimally happy to be with me, it's over.

[Clockwatching]

It's not that he's completely unable to change his actions - people prioritise whatever is naturally the most important/fulfilling/meaningful to them, so really it's that if he flat out says he can't, he means he won't.

 

Sad but true, and if he can't open up about it so that you can resolve it, you'll have to decide if that's a relationship that you want to be in.

[BluesPower]

lilypad10, you have to find a way to talk to him about this. A way that is productive and not a shouting match.

 

He is being selfish in every way about this issue.

 

Also, there are a lot of people that are completely "UN-self aware".

 

You may have to work to help him understand where you are coming from.

 

And that may require a lot of thought on your part, and it is not really fair the you would have to work that hard to help someone understand something so simple, but that is the way it works sometimes...

[lilypad10]

Have you told him how you feel and why? We ladies *ahem* tend to get angry, not tell the guy how we feel and why we're upset, they withdraw because they don't know what's wrong, we get angrier, they withdraw more.. rinse and repeat and hello downward spiral!

 

He may not see what he's doing if he's otherwise a good guy, and true, he may be doing it as a reaction to marriage and worries about losing his independence, but you need to have a heart to heart with him to see what's going on with him. Again if he's a generally good guy it's probably not intended to hurt you, but you need to be clear on why you're upset and how it makes you feel and be prepared to hear what his intention is behind his actions before you can resolve it.

 

I wouldn't write him off straight away, we all have issues and hang ups of some description. Obviously if you can't work out something that works for you both then you'll have to rethink, but your first step is an open heart to heart I think.

 

This isn't just your issue so I don't think you need to be going to therapy by yourself when you're hurt, there's a reason for it and nothing is wrong with you. I think most people would feel the same way and wonder what's going on.

 

I feel like you're right on point with everything you said. I'm not a yeller-thrasher-loud angry person so I have been expressing my feelings relatively calmly and directly on 3 different occasions. The last time I told him about my feelings he said he didn't care and was no longer interested in hearing how I felt about it. He stated that he doesn't value his friends over me. But I will choose to have an open heart and assume he said that out of anger and perceived loss of independence as opposed to actually meaning it.

[lilypad10]

lilypad10, you have to find a way to talk to him about this. A way that is productive and not a shouting match.

 

He is being selfish in every way about this issue.

 

Also, there are a lot of people that are completely "UN-self aware".

 

You may have to work to help him understand where you are coming from.

 

And that may require a lot of thought on your part, and it is not really fair the you would have to work that hard to help someone understand something so simple, but that is the way it works sometimes...

 

Very true. I never yell but sometimes do come at him in a straightforward manner, "Well, you've been on VRBO looking for a place for you and your friends the past hour but it's been 4 weeks since I've asked you if we can go out of town on April 3 and I can't get a response from you. Clearly you favor your friends over me."

 

I think that approach has NOT been working for me. I'm poor at subtlety. That's something I could work on.

[elaine567]

I feel like you're right on point with everything you said. I'm not a yeller-thrasher-loud angry person so I have been expressing my feelings relatively calmly and directly on 3 different occasions. The last time I told him about my feelings he said he didn't care and was no longer interested in hearing how I felt about it. He stated that he doesn't value his friends over me. But I will choose to have an open heart and assume he said that out of anger and perceived loss of independence as opposed to actually meaning it.

 

Forget those words, what are his actions here?

Are those the actions of a man who really cares about YOUR feelings?

I guess not.

[SeenNotHeard]

Lilypad10, is this the sole area in your lives he is acting in what is perceived to be selfish? It seems to me like his character. I can very well be wrong but it seems like that it how he is.We can't coerce or force someone to care about our needs IMO they either do or they don't.

[lilypad10]

Lilypad10, is this the sole area in your lives he is acting in what is perceived to be selfish? It seems to me like his character. I can very well be wrong but it seems like that it how he is.We can't coerce or force someone to care about our needs IMO they either do or they don't.

 

I think his selfishness is mostly centered around these frequent trips. He's quite nice to me at home -- does more than his share of the housework, is super loving with my pets. Sure, most days he comes home and watches TV or looks at his phone, but I would say it's within the realm of normal for other relationships I've been in.

[sandylee1]

Would it bother him if you did the same? Went on trips with your friends and didn't bother with him?

 

It's fine to go off with friends, but that doesn't mean that your spouse is not considered first.

 

If he's like this when you don't have kids, heaven help, if and when you do.

[angel.eyes]

I feel like you're right on point with everything you said. I'm not a yeller-thrasher-loud angry person so I have been expressing my feelings relatively calmly and directly on 3 different occasions. The last time I told him about my feelings he said he didn't care and was no longer interested in hearing how I felt about it. He stated that he doesn't value his friends over me. But I will choose to have an open heart and assume he said that out of anger and perceived loss of independence as opposed to actually meaning it.

 

Wow! Whether he was angry in the moment is largely irrelevant because his actions and choices have consistently mirrored those words throughout your short 7-month marriage. I am normally a proponent of trying to save a marriage at all costs unless of course there are extenuating circumstances (e.g. one partner's safety is in question). Unfortunately, here you've married someone who has no regard for you and via both words and actions is telling you he doesn't care how much he hurts you. There's no way to salvage a marriage when only one partner is invested in making it work. Sometimes you have to recognize a situation is hopeless. In your shoes, I would accept I made a mistake and picked the wrong guy. Walk away. I don't see you ever being happy in this marriage. If you decide to stick it out, you'll be headed for a life of resentment, frustration, then bitterness...and divorce. May as well cut out the middle part and just divorce him now, rather than wasting years of your life mired in a dysfunctional, self-negating situation.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are you both?

[sandylee1]

I just read the bit where he doesn't care how you feel about it and doesn't want to listen to what you have to say.

 

You have choices

 

1) Accept this is who he is and make your own holiday plans. If you can live with this, because he is great in all other areas, then fine.

 

2) Accept that you cannot live happily like this and separate amicably with a view to divorce.

 

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for everyone. Some would see it as his hobby and not a vacation. Mountain biking wouldn't be my idea of a vacation.

 

It would be the same as a fishing trip.

 

You said he's had a 5 trips since November 2016. That's quite a lot in a short space of time. More than one a month.

 

Are you sure he's not getting away to see another woman? He could easily use his hobbies as a cover and you'd be none the wiser.

[stillafool]

I would just get my gfs together and go on 2 and 3 week vacations too. He is not going to stop and has made that clear to you. So either you can learn the sport he does and try to tag along or you can go on your own vacations and have a ball. You could also divorce.

[elaine567]

 

Are you sure he's not getting away to see another woman? He could easily use his hobbies as a cover and you'd be none the wiser.

It would also explain his "I don't really care, nor am I interested in what you think" attitude.

[Clockwatching]

I feel like you're right on point with everything you said. I'm not a yeller-thrasher-loud angry person so I have been expressing my feelings relatively calmly and directly on 3 different occasions. The last time I told him about my feelings he said he didn't care and was no longer interested in hearing how I felt about it. He stated that he doesn't value his friends over me. But I will choose to have an open heart and assume he said that out of anger and perceived loss of independence as opposed to actually meaning it.

 

Is it a pattern that he says that he says hurtful things and that you're expected to say nothing? Bear in mind that the expectation can come from ourselves as well as the other person.

 

Who is it after these arguments that tries to make things ok? My money's on you here but tell me if I'm wrong.

 

My advice to you would be respect your feelings, acknowledge that he's admitted that he doesn't care, that hurts and isn't acceptable to you - deep down you don't want this to be ok for him to say hurtful things to you but you're making it ok because you want him to care. That's understandable, but you won't get real love that way.

 

The issue is that people can't love you fully unless they can see who you are - that's both the stuff that you find acceptable and ok and the stuff that you find unacceptable and not ok. Somewhere along the way you seem to have learned to not trust yourself, but your feelings are right and are guiding you in the right direction.

 

Put it this way, you want him to see you, feel you and have presence in the relationship - the only way to get that is to see yourself, acknowledge and respect your own feelings and be fully present with yourself.

 

It's not really about making or convincing him to do anything because you don't need to be anything other than yourself - once you do that, he will either be suited to you or not and will stay or leave accordingly.

[lilypad10]

I just read the bit where he doesn't care how you feel about it and doesn't want to listen to what you have to say.

 

You have choices

 

1) Accept this is who he is and make your own holiday plans. If you can live with this, because he is great in all other areas, then fine.

 

2) Accept that you cannot live happily like this and separate amicably with a view to divorce.

 

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for everyone. Some would see it as his hobby and not a vacation. Mountain biking wouldn't be my idea of a vacation.

 

It would be the same as a fishing trip.

 

You said he's had a 5 trips since November 2016. That's quite a lot in a short space of time. More than one a month.

 

Are you sure he's not getting away to see another woman? He could easily use his hobbies as a cover and you'd be none the wiser.

 

Those choices are on point. We are both 35. I don't think he's cheating on me. He is always posting photos on Instagram with his buddies. There are a handful of girls that go with them...but I don't feel as if that's what's going on.

 

The truth is, I don't want to go on monthly vacations with my friends. I got married to have a partner that I can enjoy my life with. If I had wanted to continue traveling with my friends like I did when I was single, I never would have gotten married in the first place.

[lilypad10]

Is it a pattern that he says that he says hurtful things and that you're expected to say nothing? Bear in mind that the expectation can come from ourselves as well as the other person.

 

Who is it after these arguments that tries to make things ok? My money's on you here but tell me if I'm wrong.

 

My advice to you would be respect your feelings, acknowledge that he's admitted that he doesn't care, that hurts and isn't acceptable to you - deep down you don't want this to be ok for him to say hurtful things to you but you're making it ok because you want him to care. That's understandable, but you won't get real love that way.

 

The issue is that people can't love you fully unless they can see who you are - that's both the stuff that you find acceptable and ok and the stuff that you find unacceptable and not ok. Somewhere along the way you seem to have learned to not trust yourself, but your feelings are right and are guiding you in the right direction.

 

Put it this way, you want him to see you, feel you and have presence in the relationship - the only way to get that is to see yourself, acknowledge and respect your own feelings and be fully present with yourself.

 

It's not really about making or convincing him to do anything because you don't need to be anything other than yourself - once you do that, he will either be suited to you or not and will stay or leave accordingly.

 

This is definitely food for thought. I can't say that I've deviated from my essence since being with him. However, I may have toned it down a bit. I feel that there is some truth to my lack of full presence within myself and I will need to focus more on that.

[lilypad10]

Is it a pattern that he says that he says hurtful things and that you're expected to say nothing? Bear in mind that the expectation can come from ourselves as well as the other person.

 

Who is it after these arguments that tries to make things ok? My money's on you here but tell me if I'm wrong.

 

My advice to you would be respect your feelings, acknowledge that he's admitted that he doesn't care, that hurts and isn't acceptable to you - deep down you don't want this to be ok for him to say hurtful things to you but you're making it ok because you want him to care. That's understandable, but you won't get real love that way.

 

The issue is that people can't love you fully unless they can see who you are - that's both the stuff that you find acceptable and ok and the stuff that you find unacceptable and not ok. Somewhere along the way you seem to have learned to not trust yourself, but your feelings are right and are guiding you in the right direction.

 

Put it this way, you want him to see you, feel you and have presence in the relationship - the only way to get that is to see yourself, acknowledge and respect your own feelings and be fully present with yourself.

 

It's not really about making or convincing him to do anything because you don't need to be anything other than yourself - once you do that, he will either be suited to you or not and will stay or leave accordingly.

 

I'm always the one to end the arguments by acknowledging his side, backing off, and giving him a hug or some reconciliatory gesture. He usually acts especially nice to me for 2-3 days after.