Am I crazy for being upset about this

[LGBJUNHAO]

so My bf is in the final stage of the divorce. His STBXW would probably keep his last name. I don't why but this bothers me a lot.

 

I asked my BF if he wanted her to keep his last name after they are divorced, he said he doesn't but legally she has the right to keep his last name after they divorced. I then asked if he can get her to agree to not to keep his last name and specify that in the divorce decree My BF doesn't think it is a good idea as they are in the final stage of the mediation and he doesn't want to anger her with this petty stuff to avoid her being unreasonable during the divorce settlement negotiation

 

Am I being crazy or unreasonable here? I know it is just a last name, but it just other me so much to think she will keep his last name. Any thoughts or suggestion to get over this?

Edited March 3, 2017 by LGBJUNHAO

[S2B]

Since they have a child together - it's possible she wants the last name to match the child's name.

 

Your MM indicated you're being petty. You're better off staying out of the details of his divorce.

[FoundLove]

My husband's ex wife also kept his last name. She eventually got remarried and... problem solved! Don't worry about it. I actually think you're creating more stress for your boyfriend who is obviously going through a rough time with the divorce.

[Delvecchio]

Well, do they have any children together? Who will the children live with? If they do have small children and if the mother will have the the primary custody, it's perfectly logical for her to keep the same last name as the kids. It makes a lot of legal proceedings easier just because it stops people from asking a lot of questions.

 

Thoughts and suggestions: probably professional counseling or some kind of therapy. This is a really bad sign, especially if they have children together. That means that the wife will be in your life and you'll have to deal with her respectfully. I assume you'll have a lot of issues with stepparenting and respecting the boundaries she sets. The good sign: your boyfriend does seem reasonable and won't be manipulated by you so he'll make sure the situation stays calm and he'll keep the both sides happy. Try to be respectful though, this kind of nagging will eventually get you dumped. You need to show him that you're mature enough to deal with the situation and that you won't try to make his life even more complicated wih reckless suggestions due to your own insecurities and pettiness. Don't be one of those second wifes who make it hard for everyone included because they can't accept the fact that they weren't first.

Edited March 3, 2017 by Delvecchio

[elaine567]

You are with a guy who has a huge past with his wife and they also have a child together, so you are going to have to get used to his wife still encroaching on your life for the next few decades.

I guess she will not exactly want to make things easy since you spent the last 4 years seeing her husband behind her back

 

The fact she will keep his name for the sake of their child, will be I guess the least of your concerns going forward...

[BaileyB]

It's really, absolutely none of your business.

[gettingstronger]

You have zero control over what she does with HER name, when they married it legally became their name, not just his

[HappyAgain2014]

You really have no idea how small of an issue this in the big scheme of what you'll face in the future.

 

They have a child together so his wife will be a constant factor in your life. He will need to communicate with her about their child for a long time. His child will talk about mommy in your presence and you'll see her at school events, etc.

 

If you can't gain some perspective, I don't believe this will work long term. You get one chance with kids to earn trust. Demonstrating respect for this child's mother is a big deal deal. You will have to build a relationship with this child. You will have to deal with a child who has experienced loss through divorce. If you aren't committed to all the heavy lifting coming your way, you should rethink this.

 

This is reality. Laying in bed with your MM, you probably talked about the great life you'd have together floating on a cloud of bliss. Reality is the collateral damage of your affair includes a pissed off exwife who's not leaving your life and a child devastated by divorce.

 

His wife has every right to keep his name. Changing your name is a lot of work and costs money. Additionally, it either announces to everyone that you either got married or divorced. Maybe she doesn't want to make that announcement and face questions. Maybe she wants to keep his name because it's her child's last name.

 

She has his child. Her role in your life goes way beyond worrying about a name but you'll find that out.

[hippychick3]

You have absolutely no say so in this situation and no right to interfere. The majority of women keep their married name after divorce (including myself) if they have children. Stay out of it.

[Whoknew30]

It's none of your business. She was his wife, if she wants the last name, who cares.

 

No one can help how hey feel but honestly this seems really petty.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, you are being totally unreasonable.

 

 

As others have pointed out, they have kids. The kids' stability can be partially tied up in feeling connected to mom & dad by last name.

 

 

It's a name. It's not an anchor to him.

 

 

His last name might be easier to spell & pronounce than hers. She may like the alliteration better.

 

 

It's really none of your concern. Chose your battles wisely & let this one go.

[Ruffian1]

What do you care?

 

You can't erase her.

 

Is this so awful in the big scheme of the universe?

 

Think about it.

[Imajerk17]

I read your other threads OP. Let me get this straight....first you go ahead and break up their marriage (there's a small child involved too, folks). And now you're griping because she gets to keep her last name. Talk about selfish!

[stillafool]

It is normal for the ex wife to keep her married name if they have children together. She doesn't want her name to be different than her children. What is the problem with that?

[Noideanow]

Its selfish\strange\stupid of the exwife to keep the name if she does but there is nothing you can do about it but forgiving the man for not doing anything about it out of fear, so what's left is for him is to change last name and you two can share that:cool: Past is the past I can see where you come from:o still if you had him by your side now I don't think it would be so big of a problem? I also don't think I would want the same name as the xw:confused: New names I say:bunny:

[sandylee1]

It's selfish\strange\ stupid of the exwife to keep the name

 

 

Did I read this correctly. The BW is being called selfish?

 

She has every right to keep the name and if your boyfriend suggests she changes it, even if she was going to, she'll decide against it.

 

If my husband tried that, after having an affair, I'd keep it just for the hell of it and make things very very difficult.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned you know.

 

She can make herself known as her maiden name, but keep all legal documents in her married name.

 

Don't be an insecure second wife, especially when you were the OW. You'll just look like a jealous immature child, who can't handle it.

 

You have many bridges to climb and this should be the least of your problems.

[LGBJUNHAO]

Thanks to everyone who replied regardless of your views.

 

I have never nagged my BF about this. I only casually brought it up to him once because it bothers me (I am from a different cultural, keep your ex-husband's last name is very strange in my cultural). He doesn't want her to keep his last name, because their relationship is toxic and caused his a lot of physical and emotional pain. He just wanted be be divorce and get her out of his life (His words)

 

I did not break their marriage. Their marriage had broken long before I met my BF and he had made the decision to divorce her before I even met him. She didn't want a divorce, she cried, begged and manipulated him to have a kid he didn't want to have with her. I don't want to get into details about how she manipulated him. No, They didn't have sex to have the kid let's just put it that way. She thought having a kid could keep him in the marriage, but it just made him become even more resentful toward her. Those all happened before I met him.

 

I am not going to let it this go. She can do whatever with his last name for the sake of the child or some other reasons. It doesn't change the fact, the marriage is over.

[Delvecchio]

So who has the custody of the child and where will the child live?

[LGBJUNHAO]

So who has the custody of the child and where will the child live?

 

She will have the custody of the kid. She is moving out with the kid soon. They are working on a schedule to determine how often he can see the child.

[hippychick3]

Thanks to everyone who replied regardless of your views.

 

I have never nagged my BF about this. I only casually brought it up to him once because it bothers me (I am from a different cultural, keep your ex-husband's last name is very strange in my cultural). He doesn't want her to keep his last name, because their relationship is toxic and caused his a lot of physical and emotional pain. He just wanted be be divorce and get her out of his life (His words)

 

I did not break their marriage. Their marriage had broken long before I met my BF and he had made the decision to divorce her before I even met him. She didn't want a divorce, she cried, begged and manipulated him to have a kid he didn't want to have with her. I don't want to get into details about how she manipulated him. No, They didn't have sex to have the kid let's just put it that way. She thought having a kid could keep him in the marriage, but it just made him become even more resentful toward her. Those all happened before I met him.

 

I am not going to let it this go. She can do whatever with his last name for the sake of the child or some other reasons. It doesn't change the fact, the marriage is over.

 

Keeping an ex's last name doesn't mean that person wants to stay married. My divorce was my choice. My ex didn't want it. I despised my ex and since my divorce, I've never been happier. But I kept his last name because I wanted to share my last name with my children who are the most important people in my life.

 

You sound incredibly selfish and vindictive to attempt to deny her that.

[elaine567]

She will have the custody of the kid. She is moving out with the kid soon. They are working on a schedule to determine how often he can see the child.

 

He still lives with her?

[drypuddle]

I kept my exhusband's last name after we divorced, even though my maiden name is "easier" to live with. It bothers me thinking about my child having a different last name from me. Plus, if you've never changed your name before, you don't know the pain. I didn't want to bother getting all of my legal documents and bills/debts/whatevers changed. My keeping his last name is not an indication that I still have an attachment to him. I divorced him - not the other way around.

 

I say you need to get over it. Her having his last name is the least of your concerns. Learning how to effectively coparent with her is maybe better use of your energy.

[LGBJUNHAO]

He still lives with her?

 

Yes, In different rooms. it is his house he inherited from his parents. He wanted her to move out last fall but she kept pushing back moving out day citing she needed time to find a place. She never put any efforts. eventually, He went out and find a place and got her signed the lease.

[LGBJUNHAO]

I kept my exhusband's last name after we divorced, even though my maiden name is "easier" to live with. It bothers me thinking about my child having a different last name from me. Plus, if you've never changed your name before, you don't know the pain. I didn't want to bother getting all of my legal documents and bills/debts/whatevers changed. My keeping his last name is not an indication that I still have an attachment to him. I divorced him - not the other way around.

 

I say you need to get over it. Her having his last name is the least of your concerns. Learning how to effectively coparent with her is maybe better use of your energy.

 

Thanks, I am working on letting go. I haven't and will not bring this up to my BF again. He has enough in his plate.

 

Thanks for the insights.

[LGBJUNHAO]

Keeping an ex's last name doesn't mean that person wants to stay married. My divorce was my choice. My ex didn't want it. I despised my ex and since my divorce, I've never been happier. But I kept his last name because I wanted to share my last name with my children who are the most important people in my life.

 

You sound incredibly selfish and vindictive to attempt to deny her that.

 

I don't want list all the nasty things she did to me and my BF here. If you knew half of it, you might have a better appreciation why I despise her so much.

 

I never responded her hateful words or those nasty things she did to me. I kept my silence because I understand in her eye, I stole her husband. The reality is I didn't steel her husband.