Author LGBJUNHAO Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 Keeping an ex's last name doesn't mean that person wants to stay married. My divorce was my choice. My ex didn't want it. I despised my ex and since my divorce, I've never been happier. But I kept his last name because I wanted to share my last name with my children who are the most important people in my life. You sound incredibly selfish and vindictive to attempt to deny her that. BTW, the only reason she wanted the kid is to keep him in the marriage She cant handle kids. MY BF drop off, pick up kids every day, cooking and doing he laundry for the kids. she goes out put 2 to 3 times a week with her friends. I feel sorry for the kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 You are in outer space with that request. The last name is not community property. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 so My bf is in the final stage of the divorce. His STBXW would probably keep his last name. I don't why but this bothers me a lot. I asked my BF if he wanted her to keep his last name after they are divorced, he said he doesn't but legally she has the right to keep his last name after they divorced. I then asked if he can get her to agree to not to keep his last name and specify that in the divorce decree My BF doesn't think it is a good idea as they are in the final stage of the mediation and he doesn't want to anger her with this petty stuff to avoid her being unreasonable during the divorce settlement negotiation Am I being crazy or unreasonable here? I know it is just a last name, but it just other me so much to think she will keep his last name. Any thoughts or suggestion to get over this? If they have kids, I can understand why she wants to keep the last name. My suggestion is, let it go. If they share children just know she will ALWAYS be around because of their kids and you'll probably have to deal with her on occasion. I assume you two got together due to an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LGBJUNHAO Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 You are in outer space with that request. The last name is not community property. Well, I already indicated in my previous post, I am from different cultural and it is not common to keep you ex husband's name. So no, I am not from out space, just a place that is different from where you are from. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 She will have the custody of the kid. She is moving out with the kid soon. They are working on a schedule to determine how often he can see the child. Please stop calling their child "the kid!" This child will eventually be a step child to you so honestly the best thing you can do is put your anger aside and be happy. You are with the man you love, so leave his (ex) wife alone. She's not perfect and I doubt he is too seeing as he cheated on her and had an affair with you. Don't put her down nor comment on her parenting skills, that's not fair and that resentment WILL be felt by their child some day so learn to put their child first and not bash his/her mom. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 He just wanted be be divorce and get her out of his life (His words) How can he get her out of his life? Or is he considering abandoning his child/children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LGBJUNHAO Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 How can he get her out of his life? Or is he considering abandoning his child/children? No. He is a good father. He just doesn't want to be married to her and live with her in the same house. He said he will only communicated with her about the child. preferably email Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I don't want list all the nasty things she did to me and my BF here. If you knew half of it, you might have a better appreciation why I despise her so much. I never responded her hateful words or those nasty things she did to me. I kept my silence because I understand in her eye, I stole her husband. The reality is I didn't steel her husband. You might despise her but if your MM is a good dad, he love for his child will supersede any negative feelings he has for his wife. This means he will put this child first and demonstrate respect for her as the mother of his child. In your posts, you say she's not a good mother and yet he's giving her full custody. Something doesn't add up. Why would he agree to an arrangement to "visit" his child versus coparenting? You didn't steal her husband, but you did have sex with him. Don't expect this woman to have positive feelings about you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Yes, In different rooms. it is his house he inherited from his parents. He wanted her to move out last fall but she kept pushing back moving out day citing she needed time to find a place. She never put any efforts. eventually, He went out and find a place and got her signed the lease. Are you sure they are actually divorcing? Do you have proof of it? It should not take almost a year to divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 It's none of your business. They were a family, You had a hand in breaking up that family. Now you expect her to abandon the family name? Have a different last name than her child just because you're jealous? You intentions in this relationship don't seem to be good. Are you sure you love him or do you just want him? Because if you love him, this wouldn't matter and you would want what's best for his child and you seem to have no regard for anything except what is important to you. Let it be. You already have a hard road ahead as the other woman-turned-girlfriend or wife. Any time things go wrong with you and him he's gonna wonder if it was worth it to leave his family for you. And if you make it difficult and petty and jealous like you are now every time he has to deal with his family (the three of them are still a family and always will be) then you're going to make him resent you and you'll find out what it feels like to be cheated on . You are in a very precarious place. Choose your battles wisely 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LGBJUNHAO Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 You might despise her but if your MM is a good dad, he love for his child will supersede any negative feelings he has for his wife. This means he will put this child first and demonstrate respect for her as the mother of his child. In your posts, you say she's not a good mother and yet he's giving her full custody. Something doesn't add up. Why would he agree to an arrangement to "visit" his child versus coparenting? You didn't steal her husband, but you did have sex with him. Don't expect this woman to have positive feelings about you. In the state we are living, Mother almost always have the full custody. She might not be a good mother, but she would not give up the custody 1) she can't get pregnant or have another kid 2) she uses the kid as leverage. I don't need her to be have positive feeling about me, we don't need to be friends. I love my BF and appreciate that he is a good father. I have no problem to treat his son well. I just want this be done, and everyone can move on with their lives. I guess it bothered me about her keeping her last name because 1) it is not common in my culture 2) they hated each other so much, i don't why she would want to keep his last name , would that be a constant reminder of the miserable marriage? I thought it might be her way of hold on to the marriage since she didn't want the divorce and still wanted to reconcile till this day. I appreciate everyone's feedback. I am going to just let it go and focus on the future relationship between me and my BF. I am glad it is going to be over soon and we can start a family soon. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Do you always make a big deal of petty issues? Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 She's not keeping it for her ex husband. She's keeping it for her child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Delvecchio Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 She will have the custody of the kid. She is moving out with the kid soon. They are working on a schedule to determine how often he can see the child. In that case, it makes sense for her to keep the same last name as the child. When you're crossing the border, for example, they do tend to ask questions if you don't have the same last name. My mother, for example, who kept her maiden name, always had to carry around my birth certificate to prove that she is indeed my mother. It just makes a lot of things a lot easier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I appreciate everyone's feedback. I am going to just let it go and focus on the future relationship between me and my BF. I am glad it is going to be over soon and we can start a family soon. I would be in no rush to get pregnant. He may be divorcing, but there could be a lot of hurdles to cross yet. MM often go back to their wives and family as they miss their kids and even their "awful" wife too. Here he has had no time to be on his own, she hasn't even moved out yet. YOU may be desperate to play happy families, but he will have just got rid of one wife, he may be in no hurry to gain another... He may not actually want to marry you, you were after all the woman who was happy to lie and cheat behind his "innocent" wife's back... Hypocritical yes, but not an uncommon thought from MM. He may want to play the field once divorced, some men do, and they ditch the woman they were having the exit affair with in favour of sowing some wild oats or finding a woman who he does consider "marriage material". Just be very careful here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LGBJUNHAO Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 (edited) I would be in no rush to get pregnant. He may be divorcing, but there could be a lot of hurdles to cross yet. MM often go back to their wives and family as they miss their kids and even their "awful" wife too. Here he has had no time to be on his own, she hasn't even moved out yet. YOU may be desperate to play happy families, but he will have just got rid of one wife, he may be in no hurry to gain another... He may not actually want to marry you, you were after all the woman who was happy to lie and cheat behind his "innocent" wife's back... Hypocritical yes, but not an uncommon thought from MM. He may want to play the field once divorced, some men do, and they ditch the woman they were having the exit affair with in favour of sowing some wild oats or finding a woman who he does consider "marriage material". Just be very careful here. Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it. We have been together for a very long time and love each other. We are planning a future together and are looking to get married eventually. I understand what you mean. We will not get marred right now. We will move in together for a year or two. Edited March 3, 2017 by LGBJUNHAO Link to post Share on other sites
Hunniebae Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 No. He is a good father. He just doesn't want to be married to her and live with her in the same house. He said he will only communicated with her about the child. preferably email And this is sad to hear. Instead of advocating for her NOT to have his last name after the divorce, advocate for him to mend the bridge out of respect for his son. A good father leads by example and if he believes that communicating via email with the mom is the best he can do, do not expect a good outcome. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NikonRN Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I got divorced, kept the ex's last name because my only son has it. No other reason....no wait, my MAIDEN name is from a family I was adopted into and that upbringing was a nightmare... so, there..two reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 the advice i rec'd. at the time of my divorce was not to change my last name since children sometimes see this as a rejection of their father and of their name. i kept all the names matching and i would love to have a different last name. after the divorce she is no longer Mrs. yourBF's given name and his last name. she can only be Mrs. her given name his last name. once you marry him you are the only Mrs. his given name his last name. understand? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LGBJUNHAO Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 She's not keeping it for her ex husband. She's keeping it for her child. I hope so. She doesn't want the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I hope so. She doesn't want the divorce. Well then I guess she will be keeping it for herself too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveBug143 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 That's not your place and none of your business... who needs the stress anyways? Just deal with it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LGBJUNHAO Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 Are you sure they are actually divorcing? Do you have proof of it? It should not take almost a year to divorce. Yes, they are. We are moving together the week after she moves out. It takes long because she has been dragging her feet and did everything she could to slow down the process hoping they could reconcile, but my BF told her there is nothing she could do to change the fact that he's done and doesn't want to be married to her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I hope so. She doesn't want the divorce. She isn't going to not use his last name just because you have issues with it. Your previous posts never mentioned anything awful about their marriage, just that she was unhealthy and he still cared for her and felt too guilty to leave. So what happened between a year ago to now? Was she suffering from any mental illness and that's why things changed drastically? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Yes, they are. We are moving together the week after she moves out. It takes long because she has been dragging her feet and did everything she could to slow down the process hoping they could reconcile, but my BF told her there is nothing she could do to change the fact that he's done and doesn't want to be married to her anymore. Why don't you just move in there now? I'm sure that would hasten her departure 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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