Am I crazy for being upset about this

[aileD]

I hope so. She doesn't want the divorce.

 

Of course she doesn't. Her husband had an affair and didn't give her the respect of trying to maturely figure out if their marriage could survive so they could keep their family. Your presence made this about him leaving for you instead of having a normal end to a marriage. There's always going to be the "what if". Like I said. You have a long road. Read this:

 

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/when-the-other-woman-becomes-the-wife/

[sandylee1]

In these modern days, some women refuse to even take their husband's name when they get married. They even insist on the child having their maiden name in some cases.

 

There's so much attached to a name.

 

My mum's friend had an abusive Ex, who 'insisted' she revert to her maiden name.

 

Even though she didn't have to do so legally, she did change it, but I because he was a very violent man and she was scared of him. They had 4 children as well.

[Poppy47]

Why not be gracious about this? Let this tiny issue go.

 

You will be facing much bigger ones when you are caring for her children. That will probably worry you a lot more.

 

Poppy.

[Darren Steez]

Its selfish\strange\stupid of the exwife to keep the name if she does but there is nothing you can do about it but forgiving the man for not doing anything about it out of fear, so what's left is for him is to change last name and you two can share that:cool: Past is the past I can see where you come from:o still if you had him by your side now I don't think it would be so big of a problem? I also don't think I would want the same name as the xw:confused: New names I say:bunny:

 

Sigh not if the kids have the same last name. Can't for the life of me see why it's selfish, let alone strange or stupid.

 

Bizarre choice of words?

[Darren Steez]

Yes, they are.

 

We are moving together the week after she moves out. It takes long because she has been dragging her feet and did everything she could to slow down the process hoping they could reconcile, but my BF told her there is nothing she could do to change the fact that he's done and doesn't want to be married to her anymore.

 

You're in for a very long life if you're obsessing over this. They've got kids and will be contact for the rest of their lives.

 

Better to focus on other things. You're not in competition with this woman because if it's over her children, you will always lose.

[gettingstronger]

You're in for a very long life if you're obsessing over this. They've got kids and will be contact for the rest of their lives.

 

Better to focus on other things. You're not in competition with this woman because if it's over her children, you will always lose.

 

 

I was just thinking this too! Senior Night at football a step mom was flipping out because the player wanted just his bio Mom and Dad on the field during the ceremony. She made such a stink, we were all super embarrassed for her.

[elaine567]

You're in for a very long life if you're obsessing over this. They've got kids and will be contact for the rest of their lives.

 

Better to focus on other things. You're not in competition with this woman because if it's over her children, you will always lose.

 

Do not think this child you are carrying will take priority over her child/children. They are his first born and the first born often have a special place in the hearts of parents.

If you are going to be a successful second wife then you are going to have to be very accepting of his first wife and their children and lose any animosity you may feel for them.

I know as his OW you will have built up resentment for his "other life" over the four years, but now is the time to work through that and learn a new path, otherwise it will lead to bitterness and bitterness is not an attractive trait.

[LGBJUNHAO]

Do not think this child you are carrying will take priority over her child/children. They are his first born and the first born often have a special place in the hearts of parents.

If you are going to be a successful second wife then you are going to have to be very accepting of his first wife and their children and lose any animosity you may feel for them.

I know as his OW you will have built up resentment for his "other life" over the four years, but now is the time to work through that and learn a new path, otherwise it will lead to bitterness and bitterness is not an attractive trait.

 

Thank you. I have no problem to be accepting and be kind/take care of the child he had with her. I will treat his kid like mine. I don't see she and I get along any time soon.

 

I will try not get involved and avoid any interaction with her as much as I can. She hates me to guts and think I am the reason he is divorcing her. She has done a lot of nasty/scary thing toward me the past year. She stalked me and sent me random threatening emails text message from different numbers, and even called the human resource of my company which caused quite a stir at work. I had to move out of my own house temporarily after she threatened to come over to do something harmful toward me.

 

I almost filed a restraining order against her, but I didn't because it my BF has a child with her.

 

I understand it is an unfortunate situation, but their marriage was over way before I met him and I didn't knowingly get involved with a MM.

[basil67]

I would imagine her reaction to you is far from unusual given the circumstances.

[FoundMyStrength]

I would imagine her reaction to you is far from unusual given the circumstances.

 

Really? Stalking, sending threatening messages, and threatening harm that worries someone enough they leave their place of residence is far from unusual? C'mon, affairs are terrible, awful, soul-sucking things, but this behavior from BS should not be considered "usual" under any circumstances.

 

And I say that not as much as a fOW but as a human being who has had some pretty awful sh*t happen to me all my life due to a severely dysfunctional, alcoholic, drug-addicted family. I have been hurt, damaged, betrayed, destroyed, had my heart broken into a million pieces. And I have never considered stalking someone or attempting to destroy their life (by calling HR) as a normal, typical reaction to any of it.

[basil67]

Really? Stalking, sending threatening messages, and threatening harm that worries someone enough they leave their place of residence is far from unusual? C'mon, affairs are terrible, awful, soul-sucking things, but this behavior from BS should not be considered "usual" under any circumstances.

 

And I say that not as much as a fOW but as a human being who has had some pretty awful sh*t happen to me all my life due to a severely dysfunctional, alcoholic, drug-addicted family. I have been hurt, damaged, betrayed, destroyed, had my heart broken into a million pieces. And I have never considered stalking someone or attempting to destroy their life (by calling HR) as a normal, typical reaction to any of it.

 

Have you not heard the addage "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"?

 

It's great that you would not do this. But not everyone thinks and acts like you do.

[elaine567]

Really? Stalking, sending threatening messages, and threatening harm that worries someone enough they leave their place of residence is far from unusual? C'mon, affairs are terrible, awful, soul-sucking things, but this behavior from BS should not be considered "usual" under any circumstances.

 

And I say that not as much as a fOW but as a human being who has had some pretty awful sh*t happen to me all my life due to a severely dysfunctional, alcoholic, drug-addicted family. I have been hurt, damaged, betrayed, destroyed, had my heart broken into a million pieces. And I have never considered stalking someone or attempting to destroy their life (by calling HR) as a normal, typical reaction to any of it.

 

It all depends on how much is at stake how much a person will lose. Desperate people will do anything to save their marriage, save their home, save their kids, save their income and if there is an OW in the way threatening to take it all away from them, then of course they are going to fight and fight dirty too.

WE don't live in a perfect world. People ARE human and humans fight for their rights. Not everyone will slink away into the shadows and let another woman take it all away from them.

[FoundMyStrength]

.................

Edited March 5, 2017 by FoundMyStrength
deleting post

[Joie]

It is very common in the US to keep the name. If they have children she is going to want to have the same last name as them. He can't legally stop her and I would guess his lawyer would tell him to keep his thought and he new GF's thoughts to himself. Nothing can derail a settlement faster than pissing off one party.

[Doublegold]

Of course she doesn't. Her husband had an affair and didn't give her the respect of trying to maturely figure out if their marriage could survive so they could keep their family. Your presence made this about him leaving for you instead of having a normal end to a marriage. There's always going to be the "what if". Like I said. You have a long road. Read this:

 

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/when-the-other-woman-becomes-the-wife/

 

The link you shared is a little too much. Whoever wrote that, I doubt it is someone who has been part of a blended family, let alone an OW now married to the WS.

 

I know many marriages, blended families after an affair. They are adjusted thriving units. How do I know that? Because we are part of a group that formed in early 2000. I also know your average divorced parents who simply hate one another and the children suffer as a result. I see both examples all around.

 

There is no black and white in these situations.

[Arieswoman]

LGBJUNHAO,

This name issue is the least of your problems.

 

So he wants her to move out so he can move you in? I'm not surprised she's spitting feathers.

 

IMO his choice to ‘replace’ his wife with you, is a dangerous choice he is making to avoid the pain of the loss of his marriage. Sometimes, the greater a man’s pain is, the quicker he replaces with a new partner.

 

The truth of the matter is that his efforts to move on in this new relationship with you will probably be counterproductive; for until he takes the time to properly work through his grief and get help, it will haunt him and he’ll never fully let go of his pain. Once he’s three to six months into this relationship when he's, actually living with you, his feelings for you will probably change.

 

Tread warily.

 

PS Personally I'm not convinced he is actually getting divorced - but that's cynical 'ole me

[gettingstronger]

Really? Stalking, sending threatening messages, and threatening harm that worries someone enough they leave their place of residence is far from unusual? C'mon, affairs are terrible, awful, soul-sucking things, but this behavior from BS should not be considered "usual" under any circumstances.

 

And I say that not as much as a fOW but as a human being who has had some pretty awful sh*t happen to me all my life due to a severely dysfunctional, alcoholic, drug-addicted family. I have been hurt, damaged, betrayed, destroyed, had my heart broken into a million pieces. And I have never considered stalking someone or attempting to destroy their life (by calling HR) as a normal, typical reaction to any of it.

 

 

Our OW did all of this and more. Agree, unacceptable. Some people are wired to over react, doesn't make it ok.

[MJJean]

LGBJUNHAO,

This name issue is the least of your problems.

 

So he wants her to move out so he can move you in? I'm not surprised she's spitting feathers.

 

IMO his choice to ‘replace’ his wife with you, is a dangerous choice he is making to avoid the pain of the loss of his marriage. Sometimes, the greater a man’s pain is, the quicker he replaces with a new partner.

 

The truth of the matter is that his efforts to move on in this new relationship with you will probably be counterproductive; for until he takes the time to properly work through his grief and get help, it will haunt him and he’ll never fully let go of his pain. Once he’s three to six months into this relationship when he's, actually living with you, his feelings for you will probably change.

 

Tread warily.

 

PS Personally I'm not convinced he is actually getting divorced - but that's cynical 'ole me

 

I'm territorial and possessive, so the name thing would bother me, too. However, there's nothing to be done. She can legally keep the name if she wishes. Maybe she'll find a new mate, remarry, and take his name. Maybe she'll decide she no longer wants his name and go back to her maiden name once she realizes they aren't reconciling. Maybe she'll keep the name for spite.

 

Maybe OP needs to change her thinking. What's in a name? So what if she has the same last name as her STBXH? I bet if you Google, you'll find many people who have that same last name.

 

As far as time to grieve and work through the pain, this is not universal. Some of us detached, grieved, etc. DURING the legal marriage and the legal divorce is merely the paperwork catching up with reality.

[elaine567]

 

As far as time to grieve and work through the pain, this is not universal. Some of us detached, grieved, etc. DURING the legal marriage and the legal divorce is merely the paperwork catching up with reality.

 

Yes but as his STBX wife and child still live with him, he is going to be a bit traumatised when they move out and he then moves his pregnant OW in.

With the best will in the world that is all going to be a bit of a shock to the system.

 

With all that going on in his life, I guess he doesn't really care if his ex wife keeps his name or not. Least of his concerns...

[Simple Logic]

Well, I already indicated in my previous post, I am from different cultural and it is not common to keep you ex husband's name. So no, I am not from out space, just a place that is different from where you are from.

 

You describe this man as your BF. No matter what culture you are from, the terms of this divorce are none of your business.

[spiderowl]

Yes, it is not something to get upset over. She has been known by his name for a long time. She might prefer it to her maiden name. Why should she not keep it? Why would it bother you? I think you need to ask yourself what this represents to you. If they are divorced, then what does it matter what she calls herself? The marriage is over.

 

Perhaps you fear she is still clinging onto him in some way.

 

Perhaps you would like to marry him one day and have that surname.

 

Perhaps you fear that by letting her keep his name, he is hanging onto her in some way.

 

Many divorcees keep their former married name. I don't think it means anything. It is a hassle to get your name changed on all the documents, accounts and utilities that a couple have previously shared. Some may not want to bother, especially if they actually liked their married surname.

[winterkeep]

I kept my ex husbands surname and we don't have children. I was 19 when we married, so it's been my name my entire adult life. I earned my degrees in this name, I'm known professionally by this name. It's my name and I don't consider it a link to him at all - I'm not sure if his now wife has an issue (not OW) but I wouldn't care if she did. It has nothing to do with them anymore and has nothing to do with you.

[sandylee1]

You said you didn't knowingly get involved with a MM? Wasn't he honest about his marital status?