Miserable. Open line of communication?

[layla21]

Hi guys,

 

I am not sure why I needed a thread but I just need some cheer up, kind of slap in the face or even advice.

 

For those who are not familiar with my story:

- 1,5 yr LDR

- All good until we emotionally disconnected months before the BU, he took me for granted as well, I always initiated contact

- He dumped me 3 months ago because we fought again as he didnt take communication that seriously and I was mad

- 1 wk after the BU I begged and pleaded him back but he told me he has found someone else and cant see a future with me anymore, that I ruined all the chances

- Rational me decided to start NC, focus on myself and looked for help here

 

After experiencing almost all the griefing stages, I am again at the sad one (really wish for the anger stage to come back). It's just we havent talked for almost 1,5 month and I know it is short and I should focus on myself but I really want him to message me. Want to talk to him. Maybe not to reconcile as he obviously doesnt care for me anymore but it's the thought keeps coming that he might want to talk but assumes I dont want to. Contributed maybe due to the fact that I told him I have no contact with all my previous ex's, not even as friends on FB.

So right now, I am considering to open the communication line by inviting him to a game (some app we used to play together) and tell him like this that I am okay.

 

I know I should not be hoping or holding onto anything. To be honest with you, I feel bad just considering it because he hurt me in such a brutal and apathetic way that I am still not sure I want to be friends but at some point, maybe we can.

 

I don't know what my goal is guys. NC is for moving on, focus on myself and I am aware of it (I even started talking to other guys). Maybe it's the sad moments which hit me hard again but this little bit of hope is still there even though I dont know what kind of hope. I just dont want him to feel like I am mad, hate him or exclude him from my life completely. It is just temporary until I reach indifference. I know he is quite stubborn and very proud ("if I do sth, I mean it"-type) and wouldnt just message me.

 

I am so confused. Tell me what to do, please. Is it wrong to open the line for someone you dont think you can completely let go in your life? Is this the right way to tell someone indirectly you are open for communication or does it just look desperate?

 

Need some hard true facts

Edited March 3, 2017 by layla21

[Bromeo]

Welcome to the lonely hearts club. I'm sorry you are hurting.

 

You do sound very confused. And that is perfectly acceptable while you sort yourself out. Don't be down because you attempted to save something you loved. It does no additional damage. Hell, I chased mine for several months. Lol

 

For context, I was ghosted three times over 18 months. Each time I was, my ex lined up a replacement quickly. Best part is, to this day she's never told me we are broken up. She just left, later broke in, and was gone. A sucker named Dave is born every minute, no? Lol

 

In your case, let the dust settle a bit. Take some time for yourself. Even if there was to be a conversation or possible work towards a reconciliation, would you be at a level headed place to move on it?

 

There really isn't a nice way to break up, and truthfully he was much clearer with you than mine was with me, or some of the other horror stories that circulate around the board.

 

Let him have his space, don't check him online, and do some things for yourself. At this point even an invite to an app will bring you additional hurt. Trust me, my roommate thought the same thing, and found that she was blocked on a running app.

 

Be safe, it does get better. After months, and I mean months of games, ive been nc for 5 weeks, and I feel much, much clearer.

 

Dave

[Tribble]

Gosh, I know how hard it is, but don't break NC. You can do this! You've done it for so long already, don't push yourself back to stage one. And it will send you back there. You'll want a response and whatever that response is will not make you happy. I suck with NC. I find it so hard to not reach out when something reminds me of that person. To think that someone who meant so much to me is reduced to nothing. But those thoughts and the communication prevent me from fully moving on. They've ruined a relationship with someone else and kept me single. You've already got so much further than I did, don't stop!

[layla21]

Thanks guys for you responses.

 

I think deep down I already knew the answer. If you followed one of the conversations I had with PLT in one thread, I was actually doing well and felt nothing for him anymore. Just anger, maybe hatred and dedication to go through NC. I am quite realistic and know once it is over, it is over and pursuing them just harms me and possibly boosts the dumper's ego or whatoever.

 

However, it's just around this time - I feel so vulnerable. I feel like I want to show him he still means something to me (as stupid as it sounds to myself) and yes, he can contact me if he wants. This longing has become so incredibly strong, that's why I needed to write it down first. I'm just so confused but you guys definitely cheered me up.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Tell me what to do, please.

 

Do not contact him.

 

Why? Because...

 

he might want to talk but assumes I dont want to.

 

If he wanted to, he would signal that somehow.

 

Carry on healing. If you contact him you will rip off your scab and be right back at the start.........again.

 

 

 

One last thing..

 

I feel like I want to show him he still means something to me

 

Why?

Edited March 3, 2017 by The_Dork_Lard

[layla21]

 

 

 

Why?

 

Thanks for this. Guess I really needed some harsh, yet true words.

 

To your question, I really don't know. I've been thinking about it but I cannot pinpoint one good and convincing reason. I feel like showing him that I havent completely abandon him, that the time we had still means a lot to me.

 

So maybe that's the reason I wanted to give up NC to tell him I am not bitter or angry anymore just because I went NC abruptly without telling him. Maybe to take away his possible thought that NC is a punishment. Maybe to take all the negativity he might still have for me. Maybe I just have some selfish reasons for all.

 

Am I stressing myself out right now? Yes. Does it all make sense to me? No.

I just feel bad I even try to make an effort to have a normal relationship with him in the future while he is happy with his new rebound girl or whatsoever. I feel like letting him completely go from my mind and heart is just too much and it's so unfair I torture myself whereas he doesnt seem to care even though he "wanted to be friends" ...

Edited March 3, 2017 by layla21

[stillafool]

- 1 wk after the BU I begged and pleaded him back but he told me he has found someone else and cant see a future with me anymore, that I ruined all the chances

 

This is the reason to not contact him anymore. If he told you he has a new gf and doesn't see any future with you what else do you need to know? He should be the one to contact you if he changed his mind. Enough begging.

[The_Dork_Lard]

I feel like showing him that I havent completely abandon him, that the time we had still means a lot to me.

 

Do you think he cares? If you need some help answering, read stillafool's post above mine and think it over.

 

Basically, as long as you know no contact is not a punishment, and that instead it's self care (you're number one, right?), that's all you need to worry about. If he wants to be talking with you, believe me, he would throw a breadcrumb, such as "how are you doing?", and even then I'd advise to ignore it, as 99.9% of the time it leads to more heartache.

[Bromeo]

Do you think he cares? If you need some help answering, read stillafool's post above mine and think it over.

 

Basically, as long as you know no contact is not a punishment, and that instead it's self care (you're number one, right?), that's all you need to worry about. If he wants to be talking with you, believe me, he would throw a breadcrumb, such as "how are you doing?", and even then I'd advise to ignore it, as 99.9% of the time it leads to more heartache.

 

Because you need to heal up, and let him miss you.

 

My parents have been married 47 years tomorrow. My mom doesn't read or care about breakup psychology, guaranteed. When I was crying on her shoulder about my ex during my silly chasing phase, she told me to "leave her alone, and let her miss me a bit."

 

I manned up, and a month later starting getting emails from her.

 

I don't want to give you false hope, but there is thread after thread about this.

 

Stay strong, and keep posting here.

[keiji]

OP, let's suppose you tell him you're open to communication, he tells you he's OK with it and then nothing happens. Can you imagine how bad you'll feel? Can you picture yourself lying on the couch checking your cell phone every two minutes? When my ex-g broke up with me, she wanted to remain in touch at all costs. She even begged (she was stringing me along in case her new relationship, which I didn't know of then, didn't work). I said yes but 24 hours later I realized I couldn't stymie my own recovery waiting for a message that might or might not arrive and which, in any event, would only bring false hope and suffering. It was the best decision I could make.

 

Even if you think you're stagnant, you're moving on now, perhaps at snail pace, but you're moving on. Contacting him will bring no good to you.

Edited March 3, 2017 by keiji

[Zahara]

To your question, I really don't know. I've been thinking about it but I cannot pinpoint one good and convincing reason. I feel like showing him that I havent completely abandon him, that the time we had still means a lot to me.

 

And why do you think he needs that realization? It's not what he needs. It's what you think he needs. You're trying to find excuses. It matters to you. You're projecting. The guy is dating someone else. Pretend you're dating someone else. Do you think you'd care if an ex abandoned you or whether they valued your time together? Your heart and mind will be elsewhere. We often think that they must be feeling the way we do. It's not the case.

 

So maybe that's the reason I wanted to give up NC to tell him I am not bitter or angry anymore just because I went NC abruptly without telling him. Maybe to take away his possible thought that NC is a punishment. Maybe to take all the negativity he might still have for me. Maybe I just have some selfish reasons for all.

 

Layla, he's in a different headspace. You're the one that's ruminating on all of this. He's likely not even thinking about it. In that sense, you need to work through these feelings of guilt on your own. Even if he did absolve you from these feelings tomorrow, you'd be back in the same dark hole a day later.

 

Am I stressing myself out right now? Yes. Does it all make sense to me? No.

I just feel bad I even try to make an effort to have a normal relationship with him in the future while he is happy with his new rebound girl or whatsoever. I feel like letting him completely go from my mind and heart is just too much and it's so unfair I torture myself whereas he doesnt seem to care even though he "wanted to be friends" ...

 

You need more time to heal. Stop rushing the process. Feel your emotions. Sit with it. Feel them and let them pass. Stop looking for bandaids. There is no "future" there is only now. There will come a day when you've moved past this phase and the idea of him or even friendship with him may not be appealing anymore.

 

You're finding excuses to make contact because you need to soothe your pain. You cannot find comfort in what pains you. He is your pain. Stay away from it. Work through your difficulties on your own.

Edited March 3, 2017 by Zahara

[Cookies101]

If you contact him you will rip off your scab and be right back at the start.........again.

 

Sounds like it is time to throw him a breadcrumb!! No, no... only joking!

 

Not sure how you would go about contact, eg, phone, sms or snail mail, but sms only leads to more pain. If you really wanted to write him a letter, you'd need to be prepared for the negative ramifications, which could be no response. How would that make you feel?

 

I'm not sure whether you want him back or not, but the NC guide pinned at the front says that the only way you can be friends is if you have completely let go and would be happy seeing him in the arms of someone else.

 

If you are still emotionally invested in the slightest, i recommend NC whatsoever... You'll be opening up a world of pain, and WILL set yourself back to beyond square 1.

 

Take care

[Cookies101]

She even begged (she was stringing me along in case her new relationship, which I didn't know of then, didn't work).

 

Sorry, off topic.

 

Keiji, how did you feel about the new r/ship at the time?

 

I suspect that is what is happening with my ex concubine. Kills me to think she met someone at the end, then attempted to use me afterwards as a fallback (saying she did/"does" feel a connection etc).

 

How do you feel now?

Edited March 3, 2017 by Cookies101

[preraph]

You said it yourself. You are reluctant to give up the last strand of hope. It is very hard to give up hope. You are in the next stage of grief, so this is to be expected. Do you want to start the process all over? If so, contact him. You said yourself he was brutal. It sounds like he was uncaring. He is long-distance so if you haven't met him and you did meet him, you might immediately realize he was nothing you were attracted to or his flaws might be more glaring.

 

I think what you have to do at this stage is stop hoping for him but start hoping for something or someone new in your life.

 

Begin a deliberate quest to find fun and entertainment and let joy back in. That takes a deliberate effort on your part. So go plan outings by yourself and with friends. When you're not out being active, make a point of watching something hilarious that always makes you laugh. And exercise strenuously to take the stress off your body and this will also dispel a lot of anger. Good luck.

[layla21]

Firstly, Thank you all.

I needed to hear all of this - to get my composure and somehow self-awareness back which I was slowly losing in a weak moment.

 

This is the reason to not contact him anymore. If he told you he has a new gf and doesn't see any future with you what else do you need to know? He should be the one to contact you if he changed his mind. Enough begging.

 

OP, let's suppose you tell him you're open to communication, he tells you he's OK with it and then nothing happens. Can you imagine how bad you'll feel?

 

I dont know if he is actually in a new RS, he just told me there might be someone he is interested in. He emotionally cheated on my prior to the BU and even told me that in my face 1 week after the BU when I came back begging, crying and asking him to reconsider. The act itself was so inhuman and devastated me even more than the BU itself. It actually doesnt matter if he is or isnt - I shouldnt care. I see it now again.

So yes, why should I contact? Obviously he doesnt give a damn about my well-being.

Getting all your responses gave me a right perspective again - gave me strength to keep on going the path I am still in before drifting apart into my own created misery and hurt again.

 

 

And why do you think he needs that realization? It's not what he needs. It's what you think he needs. You're trying to find excuses. It matters to you. You're projecting. The guy is dating someone else. Pretend you're dating someone else. Do you think you'd care if an ex abandoned you or whether they valued your time together? Your heart and mind will be elsewhere. We often think that they must be feeling the way we do. It's not the case.

 

 

I really needed to hear this. It is me who was thinking too much into it. I tried to justify all, made it somehow reasonable but in the end, it is pretty easy. He abandoned me and doesnt care. It is true I was projecting ...

 

Guys, I dont know how to thank you. This community has given me so much. I value all your remarks and I will keep on going NC and let all the emotions out, be it here or in some other way. It is my first BU as a dumpee and the hardest BU I've ever been through and it is very nice to get advices and knowledge from the experienced and wise ones like you.

 

 

It is very hard to give up hope.

 

It is indeed ... but I'm trying to. It keeps on coming back in some moments but I see it is normal. I will start journaling again and distract myself more, and try to not see him as somone necessary in order to be happy. The time Ive spent on me and healing is too precious to throw away just because I think I need him to know that communication okay. So the NC journey continues.

Edited March 4, 2017 by layla21

[preraph]

I'm glad you're fighting it. Truly, making plans each week to keep you busy and distract you is time that you will be free of the heaviest pain. You will find yourself forgetting for little bits of time. You will be reminded that there are countless ways to seek happiness in this world. Don't give him your whole brain, at least. Start reclaiming it by making yourself move forward.

[keiji]

Sorry, off topic.

 

Keiji, how did you feel about the new r/ship at the time?

 

I suspect that is what is happening with my ex concubine. Kills me to think she met someone at the end, then attempted to use me afterwards as a fallback (saying she did/"does" feel a connection etc).

 

How do you feel now?

 

At the time I felt like she was stabbing me in the stomach and twisting the knife, and enjoying it too. She said she'd gone on a couple of dates with him just to forget me, that he was 23 (she's 29) and they didn't have much in common. She also said it wouldn't last, she missed me a lot and ached every time she thought of me.

 

They're still together as I discovered a couple of weeks ago. She told me this last year in late January. Last December 17th, according to an Instagram picture, they were celebrating their first year together. So she lied to both and cheated on him, at least emotionally if you don't count kissing and cuddling and saying "i love you" and "I'm still in love with you".

 

How do I feel now? Very well. I think of her from time to time, but she's not the person I thought she was, so I'm glad she's no longer in my life. I can't picture myself messaging her or sitting at some cafe talking to someone who for me has no credibility whatsoever. So, back on topic, I think it's better to let them live their life and carry on with ours. Once things are broken, it's very difficult to fix them, particularly if trust has gone down the drain.

[PLT]

I'm so happy to see that you haven't caved in. Well done layla! Now leave the scab alone to heal

 

When you said that you needed him to know that he is still in your thoughts, and you remember the good times fondly, yeah I get that a lot too. But as Zahara says they don't need to know and they don't want to know.

 

They don't deserve to know your thoughts and feelings anymore. That is a privilege reserved for those that treat you well.

[layla21]

You will be reminded that there are countless ways to seek happiness in this world. Don't give him your whole brain, at least. Start reclaiming it by making yourself move forward.

 

So true. Thanks for your encouranging words. It was difficult this weekend but I distracted myself and told myself that all the time whenever he came to my mind. It's still hard to "push him out" but I am certain it will get easier at some point.

 

I'm so happy to see that you haven't caved in. Well done layla! Now leave the scab alone to heal

 

When you said that you needed him to know that he is still in your thoughts, and you remember the good times fondly, yeah I get that a lot too. But as Zahara says they don't need to know and they don't want to know.

 

They don't deserve to know your thoughts and feelings anymore. That is a privilege reserved for those that treat you well.

 

 

Awww thanks PLT! You know I very much appreciate your insights.

He really doesn't deserve it but as someone told me "love is like a drug addiction", I still don't seem to be healed completely or ready to let completely go. It is so tough losing that feeling that they don't deserve anything anymore at all when almost everything was shared during the RS. It really is a pity to lose someone that dearly.

 

Recently, I just felt so alone, I registered on an online app (was never a fan of it but I told myself "why not") and met a guy. He seemed decent and we are messaging for about two weeks, have even talked once .. it is nice to get compliments, flirt a bit and so but it doesn't feel the same. It is good for distracting myself a bit but whoever said to kind of date again to move on, I just don't get it. Maybe it is still too early for me to start doing anything in this direction but I admit, it felt good.

 

Crazy how much power an ex still has over us. Anyway, I will try to do my best without him (not message him) and I keep on counting the NC days until I don't anymore ...

[PLT]

That's the spirit!

 

You're right, it is a real shame when this happens to us. Looking at the positive, it shows that we were fully, 100% invested in the ex relationship and had complete trust and faith in our exs. That's why it hurts so much and for so long, but it shows that we are capable of love. It sounds obvious but there are many who are not capable of it. Not really.

 

You are clearly a kind, compassionate and giving human being. It's good to see that you are being these things for yourself as well. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to date. Again, it just shows how invested in the ex relationship you were. It'll take time to adjust to dating again. You say that you enjoyed it though, and that's the main thing. You don't need to jump into anything serious. Just have some fun with it. As long as you are upfront about what you want or don't want then there's nothing wrong with not wanting to move quickly.

 

Keep on keeping on. You're doing great!

[Justyaaveraggurl]

I'm glad you came on here to get advise and support. I think you are definitely going down the right track as far as focusing on self-care. You may have experienced all the grieving stages, but that doesn't mean your grieving is over. Often times the grieving stages repeat themselves before your are truly through them. It really sounds like you are grieving. You should just allow your self time to get through that. Pretty soon, the emotions of the lost will subside and you will start to see things more clearly. I also recommend you look up CODA - Its a support group that teaches us the tools to form healthy relationships. Stay strong and give your self time.