Dumped My Girlfriend, Now Struggling With My Decision!

[elaine567]

Is this the same gf that you talk about in your other threads?

[elaine567]

Is this the same gf that you talk about in your other threads?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/485178-ex-begging-me-back-after-4th-breakup

[soulforge]

Is this the same gf that you talk about in your other threads?

 

Nope this is a different girl... this one is from a thread where a dumped her for disrespecting me, we broke up for two weeks

[elaine567]

Sounds like you are having almost exactly the same problems though as you had with the last gf.

"Disrespect", fighting, shouting, silent treatment, drama...

 

I think if she agreed to the break up and has gone back to her home in Manchester, (as she was not happy living with you), then I doubt that she would want to try and sort things out, unless she has a habit of flouncing off and coming back.

 

Surely the ship has already sailed?

[marky00]

With respect to thread title, sounds like your a victim of the forced dump.

 

 

So, although someone might have physically done the dumping, the one who had the greater emotional investment is the dumpee (regardless of whether they did the physical dumping).

 

 

On this website, we refer to the one who was more heavily invested as the dumpee.

[soulforge]

Sounds like you are having almost exactly the same problems though as you had with the last gf.

"Disrespect", fighting, shouting, silent treatment, drama...

 

I think if she agreed to the break up and has gone back to her home in Manchester, (as she was not happy living with you), then I doubt that she would want to try and sort things out, unless she has a habit of flouncing off and coming back.

 

Surely the ship has already sailed?

 

 

 

She said she missed her house in Manchester and the confort of her house.. she claimed it wasn't me and still loved me.. i don't know how truth there is to that

 

 

We got on fine most of the time, but the she would say or do something to deeply upset me

[soulforge]

What if i suggested going long distance again till we sorted our matters out?

 

Am i taking a risk here???

[elaine567]

What if i suggested going long distance again till we sorted our matters out?

 

Am i taking a risk here???

 

Are you willing to move to Manchester?

[soulforge]

Its a big risk, as i would have to give up my house, my job to go there..

 

I would have to live in her house, and if she decided she doesn't want me anymore, i would be in trouble

 

Plus i would have to find a job there, not sure she would support me till i find one

[elaine567]

Its a big risk, as i would have to give up my house, my job to go there..

 

I would have to live in her house, and if she decided she doesn't want me anymore, i would be in trouble

 

Plus i would have to find a job there, not sure she would support me till i find one

 

Ok, but is that not what she was willing to do for you?

[soulforge]

Ok, but is that not what she was willing to do for you?

 

 

 

We have not really spoke about it.. she told me that she is leaving because she misses her daughters and her house and routine..

 

Plus we had not been getting along, after her treatment of me on Christmas.. she did say she loved me.

 

Maybe going back to long distance and working on communication may help? Then in a years time consider living together again.

 

Or am i being unrealistic?

 

She may not even want me.. its just a thought

[elaine567]

My take on Christmas Eve fiasco may be slightly different.

She is a 40 something women with adult daughters who is dating a much younger man. Christmas Eve is set up.

She is the Mother here and her two daughters bring their bfs too. She wants to make a good impression in front of her family, she probably wants you to make a good impression too. She probably has had to work hard to get you accepted.

SO when as the "father" figure you let her down by not bringing the money and appearing disorganised and a cheapskate, she is really upset and calls you out on it.

Yes, she could have taken you aside, but I guess she was embarrassed and felt she had to save face in front of her kids.

YOU then have a tantrum in which you throw a cup across the room and go sulk in bed at 9pm on Christmas Eve - very adult.

After a Christmas day that is no better, she then makes up her mind to leave and walks out.

[soulforge]

My take on Christmas Eve fiasco may be slightly different.

She is a 40 something women with adult daughters who is dating a much younger man. Christmas Eve is set up.

She is the Mother here and her two daughters bring their bfs too. She wants to make a good impression in front of her family, she probably wants you to make a good impression too. She probably has had to work hard to get you accepted.

SO when as the "father" figure you let her down by not bringing the money and appearing disorganised and a cheapskate, she is really upset and calls you out on it.

Yes, she could have taken you aside, but I guess she was embarrassed and felt she had to save face in front of her kids.

YOU then have a tantrum in which you throw a cup across the room and go sulk in bed at 9pm on Christmas Eve - very adult.

After a Christmas day that is no better, she then makes up her mind to leave and walks out.

 

 

She has been rude like that with me, quite a few times before.. and Christmas is a busy time, i forgot to go to a cash machine. Its a genuine mistake not a crime.. why embarrass me, why not speak to me in a good manner.. why make it worse by blaming entirely me.

[elaine567]

why make it worse by blaming entirely me.

 

Because no-one else was to blame for you forgetting to go to the cash machine, were they?

If the 20 something bfs remembered to get cash for a night out, then why didn't you? I guess she felt embarrassed and reverted into Mother mode and called you out on it.

I am not saying I agree with her calling you out but your incompetence did trigger the incident.

And you throwing things and shouting and sulking didn't exactly help either.

 

The relationship sounds like it is not a happy one and with the added problems of distance and inflexibility as to where you both would want to live and her family complicating things, then perhaps it is just not meant to be.

[soulforge]

Hi guys, on the day of the break up, she is the one one who instigated to leave? I was also unhappy in the relationship, due to her continuesly saying or doing something rude that upset me..

 

Everyone has a breaking point, and yes i got angry that day, we both had also had a drink too..

 

 

Anyhow on the day of the break i told her THAT I DID NOT WANT HER TO LEAVE.

 

She said she will defo be leaving... later when she got home she sent a text asking how i am feeling??

 

I ignored it, and have been strict NC since then...

 

2 weeks on she has not messaged me... should i break NC and tell her i am fine now????

[soulforge]

Also if i suggest to her we talk and start again long distance, like we did in the past? Is this a big risk???

[soulforge]

The last two weeks have been really hard, i miss her, but very worried about what the future may hold with her..

 

What if she embarrasses me again infront of people , like she has in the past.. how will this relationship develop again long distance?

 

Please advise what i can do right jow

[SerPundnes]

Cut all contact. Nothing good can come from this. LDRs rarely works in the long term. You should try meeting local girls instead!

 

100% focus on you, and 0% focus on her, imo.

[LitTunnel]

Soulforge, you're obsessing over her, which is totally, TOTALLY normal and it seems you really love her but bro, for this to work between you two you must show attrition if you want to win her back. She seems to me that she's somewhat dominating you and you're cracking under pressure when you guys were together. She's testing you bro. She's trying to see if you're man enough to handle her. You must resist your temptations to contact her. If you do, like I said earlier in your post, it's game over.

 

The truth of the matter is you both were at fault. She shouldn't have called you out and embarrassed you like that and you should've kept your cool and handled it different as well. But the thing is that's something I'm sure you've learned from. Just don't do it again. Show her that you're the man. But what worries me is even if you do get back with her it's going to feel uncomfortable for you, like walking on egg shells so this is what you need to ask yourself. Is it worth it? If she's worth it then by all means, learn from your mistakes (if you notice I said your mistakes) and move on. You cant change her, but you can change yourself.

 

If in the future you guys do have an argument then so as long as you know you had done your very best and she still wasn't cool then you know you can walk away with your head up high. At that point you've won the psychological war. This will drive her crazy. But until then you must be strong.

 

I think what you should've done was text her back the day after she texted you and just play it cool. Say your peace in a calm fashion and if she wasn't be receptive then at that point you could've gone complete NC. I think you reaching out now is a bit too late. It's gonna show that you crumbled from the pressure of silence. So, you might as well just stay NC until she reaches out to you again. I have a feeling she will. It might be a while but this is where you should start working on yourself. Learn to be more cool under pressure situations. I know it's easier said than done but just try. I have the same issues too, believe me, but now I've totally learned my lesson. Those days of me being too aggressive are totally over. It just never pays to look like an jerk because girls get totally turned off by that. Just be cool. Try to go out on dates even if you feel like crapp. Stay strong bro. Good luck!

[soulforge]

Soulforge, you're obsessing over her, which is totally, TOTALLY normal and it seems you really love her but bro, for this to work between you two you must show attrition if you want to win her back. She seems to me that she's somewhat dominating you and you're cracking under pressure when you guys were together. She's testing you bro. She's trying to see if you're man enough to handle her. You must resist your temptations to contact her. If you do, like I said earlier in your post, it's game over.

 

The truth of the matter is you both were at fault. She shouldn't have called you out and embarrassed you like that and you should've kept your cool and handled it different as well. But the thing is that's something I'm sure you've learned from. Just don't do it again. Show her that you're the man. But what worries me is even if you do get back with her it's going to feel uncomfortable for you, like walking on egg shells so this is what you need to ask yourself. Is it worth it? If she's worth it then by all means, learn from your mistakes (if you notice I said your mistakes) and move on. You cant change her, but you can change yourself.

 

If in the future you guys do have an argument then so as long as you know you had done your very best and she still wasn't cool then you know you can walk away with your head up high. At that point you've won the psychological war. This will drive her crazy. But until then you must be strong.

 

I think what you should've done was text her back the day after she texted you and just play it cool. Say your peace in a calm fashion and if she wasn't be receptive then at that point you could've gone complete NC. I think you reaching out now is a bit too late. It's gonna show that you crumbled from the pressure of silence. So, you might as well just stay NC until she reaches out to you again. I have a feeling she will. It might be a while but this is where you should start working on yourself. Learn to be more cool under pressure situations. I know it's easier said than done but just try. I have the same issues too, believe me, but now I've totally learned my lesson. Those days of me being too aggressive are totally over. It just never pays to look like an jerk because girls get totally turned off by that. Just be cool. Try to go out on dates even if you feel like crapp. Stay strong bro. Good luck!

 

UPDATE

 

Thank you for your post my friend.. i really appreciate your advice.. And i agree we both handled this situation incorrectly..

 

 

I think i should keep a cool head, and if the rudeness or disrespect continues, then i quietly walk away, or walk out of the relationship.

 

Anyhow she called me last night... after 2 weeks of NC.. i was very very hesitant to take her call... but i gave in and took it.

 

She rang to see how i was, as i did not text her back, and she could not handle me ignoring her any longer..

 

 

We ended up talking.. and she pretty much blamed me for EVERY SINGLE THING under sun.

 

She doesn't actually believe it wad rude of her to call me out and embarrass me i front of people.. she kept blaming for getting angry with her..

 

She finally conceded that we both handled things wrong, but not till after trying her best to convince me i was wrong about it all.. typical

 

 

The subject got onto how things where better between us when we did not live together and how we saw each other twice a week long distance.

 

She seems to be in agreement with me, that going back to ldrs might be a good idea.. she has been texting me today.

 

 

But here is the thing.. i really feel like texting her to tell her, i have changed my mind and it is over..

 

I really don't see how it will work out long distance, it unlikely we will ever live together again or marriage etc etc

 

Also her attitude is the same, she only sees things one sided, i am willing to accept my part in the problem, she still believes her behaviour is acceptable.

 

I feel more stressed out now.. part of me wishes i didn't take the call..

 

 

Gut instinct tell me, this woman will not stick around, she is blaming for the most tiniest things, like leaving some hair in the sink after i have shaved..

 

Maybe i should turn the tables and dump her, and start again with someone nice caring and understanding????

[Redhead14]

UPDATE

 

Thank you for your post my friend.. i really appreciate your advice.. And i agree we both handled this situation incorrectly..

 

 

I think i should keep a cool head, and if the rudeness or disrespect continues, then i quietly walk away, or walk out of the relationship.

 

Anyhow she called me last night... after 2 weeks of NC.. i was very very hesitant to take her call... but i gave in and took it.

 

She rang to see how i was, as i did not text her back, and she could not handle me ignoring her any longer..

 

 

We ended up talking.. and she pretty much blamed me for EVERY SINGLE THING under sun.

 

She doesn't actually believe it wad rude of her to call me out and embarrass me i front of people.. she kept blaming for getting angry with her..

 

She finally conceded that we both handled things wrong, but not till after trying her best to convince me i was wrong about it all.. typical

 

 

The subject got onto how things where better between us when we did not live together and how we saw each other twice a week long distance.

 

She seems to be in agreement with me, that going back to ldrs might be a good idea.. she has been texting me today.

 

 

But here is the thing.. i really feel like texting her to tell her, i have changed my mind and it is over..

 

I really don't see how it will work out long distance, it unlikely we will ever live together again or marriage etc etc

 

Also her attitude is the same, she only sees things one sided, i am willing to accept my part in the problem, she still believes her behaviour is acceptable.

 

I feel more stressed out now.. part of me wishes i didn't take the call..

 

 

Gut instinct tell me, this woman will not stick around, she is blaming for the most tiniest things, like leaving some hair in the sink after i have shaved..

 

Maybe i should turn the tables and dump her, and start again with someone nice caring and understanding????

 

this woman will not stick around -- You're the one who shouldn't be sticking around!!!!!!

[soulforge]

I get that same feeling too.. guess my only option is to send her a text and tell her i am not interested..

 

My gut instinct is telling me, nothing good will come out of seeing her again.

 

 

How long are we going to see each other ldr?? Till it goes wrong

[LitTunnel]

Here's what I would do if I was you. Don't break it off through text. Call her instead. Make sure to get her at a time when she's free and not busy doing other things. Be very loving in your approach. Don't be a jerk but stern. Don't argue. Just tell her exactly how you feel about feeling uncomfortable, awkward, no connection, walking on egg shells, her not taking any responsibility for any wrong doings, trust and that you just don't see the both of you in a healthy relationship.

 

Tell her you care for her and want nothing but the best for her but that it's all over. Make sure the end note is positive, that way if, and I'm talking IF...down the distant line she just might come to her senses and really see what she lost in you. I wouldn't get my hopes up but at least there could be something down the distant path. I mean lets be real, we are human and we change a lot over time so who knows.

 

Wish her luck and never look back bro. You deserve better! Delete everything about her from your life, literally everything after you hang up. You will go through major withdrawls but deal with it and hopefully, soon enough, you'll feel the old you again.

 

Here's the MOST IMPORTANT thing you take from all this...make sure you absolutely, 100%, unequivocally learn from all your mistakes. Take all your mistakes from this relationship and learn to NOT do this in the next. This is the beauty of what you just went through is the fact that you now know what works and what doesn't, which means your next relationship is going to be THAT much stronger and THAT much healthier. You next love is going to be all over you because you're wiser and more confident. This is EXCITING news for you. And me as well because boy did I learn from my mistakes. Good luck broth. Remember, you deserve a good woman and happiness.

[soulforge]

Hello i just thought would stop by for an update..

 

So as you know, we where living together, but she left.. we where not getting along.

 

I remained no contact, then after 2 weeks she rang me.. we got talking & we came to the conclusion that we got along much better when where long distance & seeing each other maybe twice a week..

 

So we decided to go back to that... MISTAKE!!! It lasted only 3 weeks..

 

 

We both agreed everything in the past would be left in the past & this would be a fresh start for us. So no bringing up things from the past.

 

So where did it go wrong?

 

Sometime ago a new girl ELISA joined my team at work.. I am a team manager.. she is only 23 years old and I am a 42 years old man.

 

My girlfriend or ex now asked me what she is like.. I told her she is ok, some of the other guys are behaving rather desperate around her, because she is quite attractive.. I told her i find it rather pathetic when some of the lads behave this desprate around her.. people should have more self respect & control & not behave like this.

 

I must point out.. my ex has always pointed out if someone is attractive.. especially on the TV.. it does not bother me!

 

She is always saying so and so is good looking!

 

The world is full of attractive men and women.. we notice this.. but that does not mean we will cheat or get off with them.. its just an observation about people.

 

Any how within days of getting back with her, i attended a work do.. belated Christmas party.. and she went out to some bars witn her friends for her birthday on the same night.

 

 

I must admit i was somewhat apprehensive, about her being out in bars.. but i kept cool and let her enjoy her night out..

 

But.. she kept on texting me through the night, making snide remarks..

 

01. Hows your night going.. has Elisa come yet? Lol x

 

02. Hi seen anyone hot yet, good enough to eat? X lol

 

03. Has Elisa come yet? Its very rare for office romances to workout u know lol x

 

 

This was really starting to bug me now.. i absolutely in no way, shape or form fancy that girl.. yes she is an attractive girl.. but i am her manager and i respect our relationship as work colleagues..

 

Elisa likes young lads, cars etc.. i'm a 42 year old man, and girls like that don't even interest me..

 

So i texted her back, and tried my best to avoid conflict.. she kept making snide comments about Elisa.. it got to the point where i decided to leave the party, as i felt it had been spoilt by my ex's continues remarks..

 

I felt very very uncomfortable with them.. on my way home in the taxi she messaged me this..

 

Her - Are u in taxi home now? You taking Elisa back home with you lol x

 

 

So i text her back..

 

ME - No i am not! I don't need to take anyone home with me thanks! Enjoy ur night

 

 

The next morning she messages me like nothing has happened.

 

This is a regular pattern with her.. she does not aknowledge any wrong doing..

 

So fast forward another week later.. it's my Birthday! My gf cannot spend it with me, as she made plans to see her mum..

 

So my work team decided to do something special for me, and take me for a birthday meal..

 

While i was out on my meal.. my ex left me alone..

 

When i got home, she messages me to ask how it went... told her yes it was great.. we had a nice time.. was good to be out with my team away from the pressures of work..

 

 

And yes u guessed it.. i knew it was coming.. just knew it...

 

 

Her - So was Elisa there? Lol x

 

Me - Yes she was.. she is part of my team.. i am glad everyone came x

 

Her - Well i'm glad you had a pretty face to look at while your eating lol x

 

 

Me - Look i respect everyone in my team as work colleagues.. i wouldn't dream of seeing them in any other way..

If i am out with my team on a very rare occasion, you don't need to keep bringing Elisa name up again & again.. i want to have a fun meal with my friends, so u need to stop this at it spoils everything.. i hope this is clear x

 

 

Her - well i am not the one who said ' I am attracted to a work colleague'

 

 

Me - I never said i was attracted to her at all.. i said she was an attractive person in the context of the coversation that night. There is a difference. Goodnignt x

 

 

The next morning she didn't text me like she normaly does.. so i knew something was up..

 

We spoke on the phone later that nignt & she claimed that her behaviour about Elisa is just a JOKE

 

shame i didn't find it funny.. the next day she claimed i was in her BAD BOOKS.

 

I am guessing because i told her behaviour was not acceptable, and this now makes me the bad guy!

 

Couple of days later i send her a funny picture meme of a cat waking up drunk and hungover from a weekend of partying

 

She messages back..

 

Her - lol that cat is me x

 

Me - Hows that cat you, u don't go out drinking getting drunk etc x

 

Her - Well I might do lol x

 

Me - Might do what? Go out drinking bars, clubs etc or are you already doing that x

 

Her - Haha what are you doing now? X

 

Me - If you want to go to bars clubs etc, thats up to you, but you know the agreement we had x

 

Her - I never said i would ffs what do you mean ???

 

 

At this point I got an emergency call from my sister, she was sobbing down the phone.. so i was stuck on the call with her for a good half an hour.

 

When i got back to our whatsapp conversation, this is what she left me

 

 

Her - Charge up your phone DICK HEAD lol

 

I am guessing she left that message because i left her waiting to see to my upset sister!

 

Seriously angered me..

 

Just need to point out before she met me, she used to go to bars all of the time.. and we both decided it was something we would not do in our relationship as it was unhealthy..

 

I think she was trying to apply dread, create insecurities, probably because of her own insecurities..

 

But the fact that she called me a dick head really annoyed me.. i have never ever used terms like that with her in all the time i have known her..

 

I draw the line with swearing like that. And she called me this on my Birthday. If allow her to call me names like that, then she could start calling me all sorts.

 

The next day she rang me.. but i did not take her call.. it was my birthday and i did not want stress from her or a call from her turning into an argument.

 

Later that nignt she rang again.. so i spoke to her.. tokd her i had to take an emergency call from my sister and she should not resort to calling me a Dick Head

 

She needs to patient.. she did not like being called out.. she never does!

 

 

Again she claimed it was a JOKE or as she put it.. banter!

 

 

So finally.. she wanted to come see me on Thursday night and stop over the night.. but i was sceduled for work.. and my day off was Sunday.

 

I told her i would try to get a shift swap, so she can come over and we can spend the night and day together.. getting a shift swap is not always an easy task for me.

 

I have to find someone first who is willing to swap there shift with me, then it has to be sent to planning and approved by planning!

 

It can be quite tasking... anyhow i managed to find a swap, it took some doing.. but it was a slightly later start, and later finish.

 

So she mostly would come to my house for 8pm, but because i had a later finish, it meant i would have to see her for about 8.45pm instead.

 

 

So i text her that evening...

 

 

Me - Hi do you want to eat soon as you get here? Or later x

 

Her - I'm not too fussed x

 

Me - ok i will see you around 8.45pm then.. finished later today so going to shower get ready, see u shortly x

 

 

Her - Do you want me to leave it ? Lol x

 

 

I'm scratching my head thinking why would she say that.. she would normaly just say, ok see you soon!

 

 

Plus i had to go seriously out of my way to swap my shift in order to accommodate her... what difference would her coming down only 45mins later make?

 

Sometimes she gets late here anyway, due to traffic.. we don't start talking about cancelling the whole damn thing.

 

So i decided to call her.. few days ago she had specifically told me, that if there ever is any misunderstanding by text, then its best to call each other..

 

 

So i rang..

 

Me - Hiya how come u said, do u want me to leave it? I just need a little extra time to get ready, just half an hour or so.. it was very pain staking for me to get this shift swap for you, so be a little patient with me.. i will see u bit later

 

Her - I only sent that message as a JOKE (here we go with the jokes again)

 

Me - Seriously its hard to workout your jokes, they don't sometimes come across like that, u need to think about that

 

 

Her - I won't bother coming then!! And she hung up on me

 

 

So she blew me off, after all i did to arrange the date.. then i do not hear anything from her 3 straight days..

 

My guess is she was sitting around expecting me to ring her.. or text her... after she rudely cut me off, and bkew me off for the night.

 

So in those 3 days i thought long and hard about the relationship.

 

01. The fact that we lived together, and she walked out as soo as things got tough

 

02. The fact that she has said and done disrespectful things on several occasions

 

03. The fact that we are long distance again and she is making her life over there separate from me

 

04. We will never marry, she doesn't want that

 

05. She will never move down back here with me again

 

06. And i cannot risk giving up my house, quitting my job, and moving to be near her... its too risky for me

 

She has proven she will not stick through hard times..

 

 

So on the 4th day of not hearing from her... i sent her a text telling her that i find her behaviour unacceptable and i do not want to see you again.. its over..

 

She rang me, but i ignored her call... letter that day she sent me a text claiming i treated her like crap, and she agress with the break up

 

 

I have blocked delted on every level.. changed my number etc...

 

She will not be able to contact me again... there is no future this woman can give me.. we are going knowhere together

 

And i cannot deal with her ****ty attitude anymore... she does not accept blame for anything or apologise for anyhthing, or aknowledge anything.

 

Plus the constant drama... i am walking away from this now.... but it is so hard..

 

As i still love her.. have i done the right thing?????

[soulforge]

I think hanging up on me, then not hearing from her was the last straw!

 

I could not see how i could possibly overlook this..

 

 

Is there no hope left here at all? I feel my dignity is at steak here, and i should keep walking..

 

My future with her is not safe