advice on my marriage [drastic change in her sex drive]

[branz1029]

Ok where do I start, I apologize in advance this is my first time reaching out for some advice or some answers.

 

My wife and I have been together for about 11 years, her and I are both 28, we'll actually she is older than me by 6 months. We have been married since 2009, and we are both happily married with no intention of separation or divorce. We have two children, our son is 9 years old and our daughter is 3 years old.

 

Prior to having children we were both very sexually active, she and I would both make efforts and show interest in each other with foreplay & oral sex. Sexual intercourse would occur every other day if not every couple of days.

 

After the birth of our son, our sexual intercouse, intimacy, and interest in each other stayed the same. However, after the birth of our daughter there was a drastic change in her sex drive, interest in intimacy, kissing, oral sex, and foreplay. It turned in to me having to ask if we can have sex and it would only occur on a weekly if not every two weeks. She stopped making an effort into foreplay or even touching or interacting with me sexually. Oral sex is non-existent at this point.

 

At first I was thinking it was because she is a stay at home mother that she was just in constant mommy mode but noticed when we are alone or at a hotel for a weekend that nothing changed. She would sometimes say that sex hurts and doesn't feel good, there was also times that she would say that she just isn't the way she used to be.

 

What really hurts is when I feel like I have to ask, when we do have sex it is always the same thing repetitive, I ask, I go on top (missionary), and then we shower. She barely makes any noise while having sex, which is understandable because we do live with others in the household, and it just makes me feel very inadequate and just not enough for her. I just don't feel the need to be wanted or desired because of her lack of interest, and don't know what to do or how to help. Makes me feel like I'm no longer attractive or possibly that I turn her off in some way but my body figure has not changed much in the last 11 years, maybe like a 10 lb gain if that. It's beginning to ruin my desires to do anything because it brings me no joy when shes not showing an interest.

[elaine567]

She would sometimes say that sex hurts and doesn't feel good, there was also times that she would say that she just isn't the way she used to be.

Pain is a huge turn off.

If sex hurts then she will try and avoid it and even when it is not painful she will be on edge and wondering when the pain will start.

YOU need to talk to her about the pain and she needs to go see a doctor as pain following child birth is not uncommon.

Pain will kill her libido stone dead.

 

Body Image can also be an problem following babies, if she doesn't feel she looks sexy then she will not want to have sex. Her self confidence will be low.

[NTV]

This is the kind of thing that kills marriages. You push too much or avoid her because she isn't interested and... well just read some of the other posts here and you'll get the picture.

 

It's a very tricky line for you to walk but you have to. Elaine's post is spot on but you can't force her do to something she doesn't want to (I.e. go to dr).

 

I wouldn't address it as low sex with her. I would address it as a lull in passion of the marriage and let her know you can and will wait but just can't forever. No one wants to be in a passionless marriage. She doesn't either.

 

...The key is to refer to it as passion and not sex. It might be good to get a sitter and take her out on a date first. Not necessarily an exciting go clubbing date but an impressive slow romantic one.

 

At least that's my take.

[d0nnivain]

It really has nothing to do with you & everything to do with her. Perhaps she no longer likes her body. You have to get her to tell you what she's feeling & experiencing.

[somanymistakes]

Were there any particular difficulties in the pregnancy/childbirth with your youngest? A LOT of things can go badly wrong for a woman during that time, even with modern medicine, and this can create a lot of problems in the bedroom. Just a few examples:

 

- if she was very ill or uncomfortable in general during either the pregnancy or the birth, she may be unconsciously scared of sex because she doesn't want to be pregnant again

 

- serious ruptures in various places during childbirth may leave her with internal damage that make sex painful. Post-pregnancy medical care is not always what it should be, especially since a lot of doctors write problems off as "normal" or "it'll be better in a few months" and women don't always know enough to realise if it ISN'T normal and DOES need to be treated. Especially women who are a little timid about talking about private matters.

 

- some large-scale body changes can make a woman feel VERY uncomfortable with her body even if you don't really care. scarring, weight-gain, dropped pelvis, etc. self hatred makes it very difficult to become aroused, and if she can't get aroused she isn't going to enjoy sex

 

 

It is probably nothing at all to do with you "not being enough".

[xenawarriorprincess]

She would sometimes say that sex hurts and doesn't feel good, there was also times that she would say that she just isn't the way she used to be.

 

 

I often hear women say that they avoid intercourse because it is very uncomfortable, however I simply cannot wrap my head around what vaginal discomfort has to do with performing oral sex on a spouse or providing a sexy seduction worthy hand-job. Neither of those things requires vaginal penetration and they still provide the spouse with feelings of love, acceptance, and sexual satisfaction. If the problem is more about her feeling insecure about her body after having birthed 2 children then that’s a whole other issue.

[oldshirt]

Sex should never be painful.

 

First step is to see her gyn Dr.

 

Childbirth can change the hormonal balance which effects the lining of the vaginal wall, and artificial lube doesn't fix it. I've had women tell me it feels like razors being shoved up their hoohahhs.

 

Step one is always rule out treatable medical causes.

[Merrylegs]

You are not inadequate. You have not changed your technique or your interest in your partner.

Please try not to think you are doing something wrong.

 

It is not your fault and if your partner is experiencing pain during sex then it's not her fault either.

 

She may be making excuses or putting you off because she is worried that it will be painful so the best course of action is to stop it before it starts.

 

Definitely see a doctor about this.

 

Also, don't underestimate the effect a young child has on the libido.

Men tend to want sex when it's available and enjoy it for what it is. Sex. Maybe even good sex.

Women hold concerns and worries and plans in their heads for the duration. These worries go away when the subject is resolved and not until. Generally.

 

So it is also likely that the general mayhem and stress of her days renders her libido fairly non existent most of the time.

 

It is said that the most important part of sex is the mind.

Hers may be chockablock with life with a three year old.