heavenonearth Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Six weeks ago, I was added to a private Facebook group by a friend, where I quickly started to talk to a guy who I, for long, did not find much out about except his name (he uses FB under his real name, but has no photos of himself on it, or any other information). As I was still sort of getting over my last guy and dabbling in some uneventful and unsuccessful dating endeavors, he listened a lot to my life story and in turn also told a lot about his experiences. The only thing he chose to not disclose was what he looks like, his age, and what he does. He said he was reluctant to disclose a lot of information about himself on the internet. At the time, I understood, but as weeks progressed, I got a bit annoyed and suspicious. I was worried he might not be who he says he is. But he was so open about his life experiences, he sounded so empathetic and I thoroughly enjoyed the exchange. Over the last two weeks, we noticed a change. The conversations are becoming more intimate, we talk about our expectations of love, a partnership, etc. as we both realized that we really feel comfortable with each other to an almost romantic degree. The emotional involvement is quite big at this point, we are very vocal and open about everything we feel and are aware it is only in the beginning of a possibly longterm development. I told him that I cannot continue such intense contact if he doesn't tell me more things about his person, i.e. his age, his profession, and to send a photograph at least. I already knew his voice and I already knew so much about his life story, and I disclosed so much of my own, it was not fair for him to keep these secrets. So he sent me a few photographs of him. Then he told me his age, and he is 14 years older than me. This does not bother me, so I wondered why he didn't tell me before. His reasoning is simply that nobody even knows anything about him in the group and he probably is cautious - it's not like he wouldn't have told me if we met in real life. By now I also know what he does for a living, but today he really dropped a bombshell.. he told me that he has a sixteen year old daughter. He said that if I am truly interested in him then he needed me to know. I have to admit that it shocked me quite a bit - I did not imagine him being a father. I thought he was just a single guy living by himself, but apparently he raised her by himself and she, of course, still lives with him. I didn't even know what to say, it really surprised me. I don't really know what to think of this now. I wonder, if it is a bad thing that he told me so late, I kind of wish he would have said this earlier, so I would have had the right image of him in my head, but I guess if you don't think of an online conversational partner as a potential romantic partner, why tell them your private business? In that sense, perhaps he did everything just right. But I still find he waited quite a while to tell me. Should I see this as a red flag? I am still trying to wrap my head around it. I was thinking, perhaps if the daughter was younger, it would bother me more. Since he told me, he is mentioning her a lot to me, even sent a photo of her and now includes information about her whenever he talks about his day, which is nice. But I am still a bit upset about him not telling me sooner. Am I wrong to be upset?
smackie9 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 You haven't met yet...I'm surprised he even revealed as much as he did to a stranger on a FB page. Get it? You are not dating, exclusive or in a committed relationship....he owes you nothing at this point. BUT you have a responsibility to protect yourself from cat-fishing which is common on the net. There are no photos or other info of this guy so you should be cautious of who you get involved with over the net. IMO you should back out of this because it's just way too fishy....and it's starting to get a little stinky. 5
Larryville Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Upset for what? Today it is seriously pointless to be so “secretive” and of you wish to pursue a woman being open and disclosing things should not be “hard” there are too many fake @$$ and deceptive @$$ people running around and if someone starts out hiding crap, yes is a red flag because if you hide the simple stuff initially just imagine what you will find out as the onion gets pealed back. The attempt at “intimate” conversations is to get you to lower your guard. Just like not revealing his age is such BS. When you start (whatever this might be/relationship) and it STARTS with lies a deception and cloak and dagger… NO. As to your initial question should you be upset? Not "upset" unless you have already started to become invested emotionally in this dude. Just be careful 4
Ieris Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 @heavenonearth ~ Sometimes its just easier to talk to strangers, so he may not have expected anything to happen between you two. If you are worried about him being someone else, do try running his images through Google image search or TinEye website to see if anything comes up.
TheTraveler Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 He sends a photo of his daughter, but will not send multiple photos of himself? This is straight catfish territory I would ask him to send a specific photo of himself doing something specific 5
kendahke Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 I'm always highly suspicious of people who do not provide pictures on facebook or dating sites because to me, that smells like someone in a relationship being deceitful. His reasons for keeping his pictures off are really lame. I feel red flags and whole lot of unnecessary drama in the offing. 1
VeveCakes Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 People who are secretive online are so for a reason - married or similar. It never fails. Don't waste your time unless you get a photo and more details about this guy. Then google the crap out of him. 3
TheTraveler Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 People who are secretive online are so for a reason - married or similar. It never fails. Don't waste your time unless you get a photo and more details about this guy. Then google the crap out of him. It's possible the OP is talking to the 16 year old daughter 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 He sends a photo of his daughter, but will not send multiple photos of himself? This is straight catfish territory I would ask him to send a specific photo of himself doing something specific This is the feeling I get too. I also wonder whether he's much older than 14 years older than he said he was (I know, holy run-on sentence, Batman...but you get the idea).
Author heavenonearth Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 You haven't met yet...I'm surprised he even revealed as much as he did to a stranger on a FB page. Get it? You are not dating, exclusive or in a committed relationship....he owes you nothing at this point. BUT you have a responsibility to protect yourself from cat-fishing which is common on the net. There are no photos or other info of this guy so you should be cautious of who you get involved with over the net. IMO you should back out of this because it's just way too fishy....and it's starting to get a little stinky. In the beginning I was very wary and wondered if he may be one of those 'catfishers'. But, well, he sent a lot of photos by now and I heard his voice and I think if things keep developing he will agree to video chat in the coming week as well, he said he may do it, as he knows it would mean a lot to me (he doesn't really ever do stuff like that generally). Whilst still a bit wary, I am quite convinced he is who he says he is, just not someone who puts their private life all over the internet. He sends a photo of his daughter, but will not send multiple photos of himself? This is straight catfish territory I would ask him to send a specific photo of himself doing something specific He did send me pictures already, as I have mentioned in my initial post. It just took him about three weeks of talking to do so. It was only today, after six weeks of talking, and after he told me he has a daughter, that he sent me a photo of her. It wasn't like a passport photo, only a picture taken with a phone at christmas, she is unwrapping a present and you can barely see her face. I'm always highly suspicious of people who do not provide pictures on facebook or dating sites because to me, that smells like someone in a relationship being deceitful. His reasons for keeping his pictures off are really lame. I feel red flags and whole lot of unnecessary drama in the offing. He is not in a relationship, his last girlfriend and him broke up last summer, as far as I know, she actually lives in the same street as a friend of mine, who has seen her around. There hasn't been any drama, he hasn't lied about anything, just been slow at revealing, in my opinion, crucial information, but as I said before, I guess it is not unheard of that not EVERY person is living their full private lives online. I find it also hard to comprehend, as I am on social media a lot. People who are secretive online are so for a reason - married or similar. It never fails. Don't waste your time unless you get a photo and more details about this guy. Then google the crap out of him. He sent several photos a while ago. I already googled him when we first started talking, his address is on the internet, I actually sent him a letter too, and he got it (he even took a photo of it). He does not have my address, though. It's possible the OP is talking to the 16 year old daughter That's ridiculous, we talked on the phone several times, we send each other voice messages every single day for several weeks now. This is the feeling I get too. I also wonder whether he's much older than 14 years older than he said he was (I know, holy run-on sentence, Batman...but you get the idea). That would not make much sense, why would he make himself older than he already is, only to reveal he has a 16 year old daughter? It is obvious that it was not easy for him to tell me this, as he may have thought it would disqualify him as a future romantic partner for me. Especially as I am younger than him and am childless (albeit wanting children very much in the next few years or so).
TheTraveler Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 That would not make much sense, why would he make himself older than he already is, only to reveal he has a 16 year old daughter? It is obvious that it was not easy for him to tell me this, as he may have thought it would disqualify him as a future romantic partner for me. Especially as I am younger than him and am childless (albeit wanting children very much in the next few years or so). So what are you trying to ask us? 2
VeveCakes Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 You do not know if he is single. You can not possible be certain. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 You do not know if he is single. You can not possible be certain. Mh, perhaps. He said he is a single father. Since he spends so much time on the group with me and other people, talking about interesting cultural topics, I'd think he's not attached. Especially because he also sends many voice messages late at night, when a supposed partner would be home, I guess. How could I find out for sure if he is telling me the truth?
TheTraveler Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 You do not know if he is single. You can not possible be certain. It's either this or someone who wants to develop that slow burn bond over time. And it's usually to hide flaws. We already know he's at least 14 years older(could be older), has a 16 year old daughter. It's developing that emotional connection before actually meeting in person.
VeveCakes Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Mh, perhaps. He said he is a single father. Since he spends so much time on the group with me and other people, talking about interesting cultural topics, I'd think he's not attached. Especially because he also sends many voice messages late at night, when a supposed partner would be home, I guess. How could I find out for sure if he is telling me the truth? Means nothing. I spent every day and night with one of my exs and he stillwas out sleeping with hookers and his ex gf. People lie all the time. I'm not saying that is the case, but until you meet this man and get to know him you can not be certain who he is or what he is all about. 1
hippychick3 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 What is the point of all this? Is your goal to have a virtual online relationship with a secretive and sketchy guy or is your goal to have a real in person relationship with a good guy? You need to decide what you want in your life. If you want the latter, you're not going to find it with this dude. You're wasting your life away in a fantasy world and missing out on opportunities to meet the right person. He isn't it. Edited to add...I don't know why there's an emoji in the tile of this post. I didn't intend to put it there and can't remove it! 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 That would not make much sense, why would he make himself older than he already is, only to reveal he has a 16 year old daughter? It is obvious that it was not easy for him to tell me this, as he may have thought it would disqualify him as a future romantic partner for me. Especially as I am younger than him and am childless (albeit wanting children very much in the next few years or so). 1. Because people who want you to believe them will put on an I'm Trustworthy thing where they give some sort of "admission." Pretty standard. I'm not saying he definitely did this, I'm just wondering about it put together with the other rather shady things you've mentioned. 2. For pretty much all our answers so far, you've given a "that's ridiculous" response. So then what is it you'd like us to say? Why did you post about this and what are you looking for? If it's just support that this is all fine, I can't do that, personally, since number one, YOU'RE the one posting, indicating that YOU don't think it's all fine, and number two, I do not think it's all fine. So, sorry about that. 1
Miss Peach Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 I don't tell much to anyone I haven't at least met in person. Online I don't give my last name, age, etc. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 It's either this or someone who wants to develop that slow burn bond over time. And it's usually to hide flaws. We already know he's at least 14 years older(could be older), has a 16 year old daughter. It's developing that emotional connection before actually meeting in person. Well, there may be some truth to your post. I am sure he thinks that he may not have a chance with (someone like) me if he straight out says he is a 44 year old guy with a 16 year old daughter. But at the same time, I think this doesn't necessarily mean that he is being deceitful or that he is a bad person with ill-intent. I wouldn't call having a kid a 'flaw', I guess he's just realistic, knowing that most women my age maybe prefer a guy who doesn't have kids already. What is the point of all this? Is your goal to have a virtual online relationship with a secretive and sketchy guy or is your goal to have a real in person relationship with a good guy? You need to decide what you want in your life. If you want the latter, you're not going to find it with this dude. You're wasting your life away in a fantasy world and missing out on opportunities to meet the right person. He isn't it. We have talked about meeting very soon. Either me visiting him or him visiting me. I mean, a virtual relationship doesn't have to keep being a virtual relationship? And I met so many guys in 'real life' in the last ten years of dating, and nobody has been so understanding. I don't think he is sketchy. he was mysterious or secretive in the beginning, but since we realized that we like each other in a romantic sense, he's been very upfront about things. It's just the fact that he has a daughter that throws me off a bit.
hippychick3 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Well, there may be some truth to your post. I am sure he thinks that he may not have a chance with (someone like) me if he straight out says he is a 44 year old guy with a 16 year old daughter. But at the same time, I think this doesn't necessarily mean that he is being deceitful or that he is a bad person with ill-intent. I wouldn't call having a kid a 'flaw', I guess he's just realistic, knowing that most women my age maybe prefer a guy who doesn't have kids already. We have talked about meeting very soon. Either me visiting him or him visiting me. I mean, a virtual relationship doesn't have to keep being a virtual relationship? And I met so many guys in 'real life' in the last ten years of dating, and nobody has been so understanding. I don't think he is sketchy. he was mysterious or secretive in the beginning, but since we realized that we like each other in a romantic sense, he's been very upfront about things. It's just the fact that he has a daughter that throws me off a bit. I don't understand the meeting "very soon." Why haven't you met already? Why the delay? If a man is truly interested in a woman, he makes plans to meet her as soon as possible. It is completely pointless to continue with a virtual relationship UNLESS THERE IS SOMETHING TO HIDE. Sorry, OP. I would be shocked if he has nothing else to hide at this point. The whole thing is in no way mysterious or romantic or sweet...it's sketchy as hell. 1
spiderowl Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 (edited) I go online too. I tell people my real age. I send a photo if need be but I'm not into multiple photos. When I get to know him and get a sense that he is telling me the truth - i.e. is available at most hours as a single man would be, has a consistent, intelligent life story, etc., then we talk on the phone. I do not give away my surname, workplace, or any other detail that might reveal who I am, unless I have reached a stage where I completely trust him. People can make things up. If someone withholds information like age, then why? If it is because he thinks he would not stand a chance with you because you are younger then he is already lying. He is working on the basis that if he builds a connection with you, you will not judge him. Not telling you he has children is another big omission. What else has he not told you? Yes, he might be genuine but he is very naive if he thinks hiding these things will do him any good. Edited March 3, 2017 by spiderowl 1
Author heavenonearth Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 I don't understand the meeting "very soon." Why haven't you met already? Why the delay? If a man is truly interested in a woman, he makes plans to meet her as soon as possible. It is completely pointless to continue with a virtual relationship UNLESS THERE IS SOMETHING TO HIDE. Sorry, OP. I would be shocked if he has nothing else to hide at this point. The whole thing is in no way mysterious or romantic or sweet...it's sketchy as hell. We haven't met yet because we only started to realize we like each other a week ago. Besides that, we live 500km apart and I have been very busy with school. The plan is to meet within the month.
Author heavenonearth Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 I go online too. I tell people my real age. I send a photo if need be but I'm not into multiple photos. When I get to know him and get a sense that he is telling me the truth - i.e. is available at most hours as a single man would be, has a consistent, intelligent life story, etc., then we talk on the phone. I do not give away my surname, workplace, or any other detail that might reveal who I am, unless I have reached a stage where I completely trust him. People can make things up. If someone withholds information like age, then why? If it is because he thinks he would not stand a chance with you because you are younger then he is already lying. He is working on the basis that if he builds a connection with you, you will not judge him. Not telling you he has children is another big omission. What else has he not told you? Yes, he might be genuine but he is very naive if he thinks hiding these things will do him any good. Well, it is because in the beginning we only talked in a group chat with another guy from the facebook group we are in, it was mainly just trivial stuff, or about culture, music, and later we started talking privately, and via whatsapp and phone. He only told me a week ago that he likes me more and I told him that I may like him too, but I can't know for sure, as there are a few things that I simply need to know, such as his age and what his job is. He then told me these things and also told me he has a daughter. I know most of his life story beside that, we talked about that in the group chat with the other person. I snooped a bit through his profile and looked up other people he is friends with, and family members. Everything checks out. His mom, stepdad, brothers and sisters, and even his daughter has a Facebook profile, even an instagram (she looks just like him). I don't think he is lying about anything, it's just that he only now started talking about his immediate private life to me. Anyway, I will give it a chance, I was a bit wary, but not nearly as suspicious as most people in this thread.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Well, it is because in the beginning we only talked in a group chat with another guy from the facebook group we are in, it was mainly just trivial stuff, or about culture, music, and later we started talking privately, and via whatsapp and phone. He only told me a week ago that he likes me more and I told him that I may like him too, but I can't know for sure, as there are a few things that I simply need to know, such as his age and what his job is. He then told me these things and also told me he has a daughter. I know most of his life story beside that, we talked about that in the group chat with the other person. I snooped a bit through his profile and looked up other people he is friends with, and family members. Everything checks out. His mom, stepdad, brothers and sisters, and even his daughter has a Facebook profile, even an instagram (she looks just like him). I don't think he is lying about anything, it's just that he only now started talking about his immediate private life to me. Anyway, I will give it a chance, I was a bit wary, but not nearly as suspicious as most people in this thread. I have said this too many times in the past, but our suspicions are based on your personal testimony. You are asking total strangers what and how we feel based on very limited information. Based on what you had shared earlier, it does all seem a little suspicious. We are not the ones communicating with him and do not have the benefit of examining his FB. I'm not exactly certain why he wouldn't have pics of himself as he has clearly decided to use/engage in social media. As one person eluded to, perhaps he is a little uncertain how the younger ladies would view him based on his image, thus his age. You spoke to him on the phone. Is it a local number? Number blocked? 1
Author heavenonearth Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 I have said this too many times in the past, but our suspicions are based on your personal testimony. You are asking total strangers what and how we feel based on very limited information. Based on what you had shared earlier, it does all seem a little suspicious. We are not the ones communicating with him and do not have the benefit of examining his FB. I'm not exactly certain why he wouldn't have pics of himself as he has clearly decided to use/engage in social media. As one person eluded to, perhaps he is a little uncertain how the younger ladies would view him based on his image, thus his age. You spoke to him on the phone. Is it a local number? Number blocked? No, just his normal mobile phone number. We text during the day and in the evening we talk or we send voice messages via WhatsApp.
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