Author Erratic Posted August 4, 2005 Author Share Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel Erratic, Let me point things out from her view. You had totally ignored her emotionally for two years. Although she may not love this other guy, she found what she was missing from you in him. There are basic necessities that every couple/marriage needs. That feeling of being 'wanted' and not just a 'burden'. Her hanging onto this OM is not her trying to hurt you, it's because she doesn't have faith in your words. She's using him as a safety net. I understand that I played a role in her seeking OM. I am willing to except this to a certian extent and even consider moving past it. Originally posted by jmargel Although this is the reason why this probably happened, there is NO excuse for her cheating on you. My suggestion would be to goto MC with her anyways, let the MC tell her that she needs to stop all contact with this OM for you two to successfully work things out. That having a third person in a marriage distracts you from the real issues at hand. Check out my link in my signature. This affair is just a topic, the real issues are what led upto it. As for abortion, IMO i'm against that. I would much rather see that baby put up for adoption. Also agree that regardless of why, there is no excuse for it. We have been going to marriage counseling and like I said in my earlier post she went NC with him for 3 weeks. I just did not realize it was going to be, instant forgiveness that takes affect in 3 weeks or you get your OM back. So not only did she contact him again but she got pregnant after I confronted her, I think I would have rather been kicked in the balls by a horse, at least that would heal eventually. Now about the abortion, which I figured was going to turn into quiet the debate. There is no way that I am going to make this decision. I do not agree with it and like jamargel I would rather see her put it up for adoption. I can't gaurantee that our marriage will work and I do not want to be held responsible for a decision like this. I have told my wife this and she does not seem to be able to grasp the concept. I plan to try and get our MC, to help make her understand that regardless of me and OM she needs to decide what is best for her. Once she figures that out only then can things be resolved between us one way or the other. Originally posted by jmargel If you want this marriage to succeed one of you need to make the first move. Swallow your pride and do this by calling a MC today. Then let the MC take care of the rest. To be clear exactly how much of my pride do I need to swallow? My wife is having an affair, I know about it, she is now pregnant with OM child, I continue to go to MC with her, and I have not filed for divorce. I'm sorry, but I think I choked on my pride a long time ago and at this point it is low self esteem and self pitty on my plate. For those of you that have mentioned unprotected sex with OM, I can only say what I have been told and that this is not the case. Condoms are not 100% effective and well I guess there is no doubt in my mind about this statistic now. According to my honest, trusting, loyal wife (oh wait) they used condoms every time they had sex. I'm beginning to think they simply wedge them under a table leg to level it though. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 If you are already going to MC, I am surprised the MC has not stated she needs to have NC with this OM. If your MC is not going to take that stance then find another MC. What I am trying to get at is that you both hurt each other alot. It's not about who hurt who the most. It's about wanting to heal this and move on together. Personally as long as you keep telling her 'We'll goto MC but I can't promise you anything' you are just re-enforcing her behavior to keep in contact with this OM. How about approaching it like this 'We'll goto MC and over time with the right counseling we will become a loving, close couple'. This will give her reason to let go of him. If it doesn't work out, then so be it. By then her saying 'You promised it would work' wouldn't make any difference anyway. See what I am saying? Make the first step by saying that. Then let her make the next move. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by Erratic At this point I think I am the one in our relationship that doesn't know what I want, she continues her A, but according to her it is only becuase she is not going to lose both me and OM. Read these sentances. Do you not see the dichotomy there? She continues the affair?????? For any reason??????? I don't care if you lopped off your leg at the last visit to his house, you don't go back for it. Leg gone. Too bad. The baby is not the issue. The pregnancy is not the issue. It's just a complication to what is the issue: this woman does not care how either of you feel. Just her. She's got 2 safety nets and has absolved herself of all responsibility by trying to lay the choice on your shoulders. Think very very hard about your own self-esteem. There's no rule that says you can't separate and see how you feel about it with some breathing room between you & a clear head. Link to post Share on other sites
PSmith Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. Your assessment of the situation is correct. She’s hanging on to the OM just in case you decide all is lost and take a walk. I think you called it a “backup spouse”. What you were asking for was not unreasonable. She needed to go NC and then work with you to rebuild the trust. The fact that after three weeks her patience wore out is just proof that she wasn’t really committed to making it work. It takes a long time and a lot of work to rebuild a marriage, and she just doesn't want to put in that effort without a guarantee. Well there are no guarantees. You make your choice, put your best effort into it and take your chances. At this stage I’d call it quits. She’s pregnant with another man’s baby. No matter what happens she seems the type to blame everyone but herself. You forced her into the arms of the OM, he got her pregnant, your refusal to commit made her keep the baby and marry the OM, or it was because of you she terminated the pregnancy. Either way she’s trying to make you bear the responsibility for everything. You can only take responsibility for your own actions not for the actions of others. Time to focus on yourself. File for divorce, if you’re in IC stay there. If not, then find someone to see. There is a good life out there waiting for you, but only you can create it. You just need to know when to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
miler Posted August 5, 2005 Share Posted August 5, 2005 You have only 2 choices: 1st divorce her and move on with your life. 2nd accept her pregnancy and her decision to see the OM. I don't see anyting else other than those 2 choices in the cards. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Erratic, INMNSHO MC while the affair is active is not only a waste of time and money but a way for your W to justify her conscience in saying that she tried but that it was a hopeless situation. Any MC worth his/her salt will tell her straight out that the marriage cannot be saved/rebuilt without ending all contact with the OM. Why? Because it takes hard work and if her heart is not going to be in it 100% then her motives leave a lot to be desired. Always remember that MC can only work if BOTH spouses are equally committed to saving/rebuilding the marriage. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
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