Should I be concerned?

[Southern Sun]

Some of you know my history, but in brief, I had an affair that's been over for coming up on a year. My husband knows everything and we are making progress in R. Things are going relatively well lately. It can still be difficult at times, but I think in general, the trajectory is up.

 

A few weeks ago, my H told me he had a meeting with a colleague over a beer. Apparently they were supposed to go to lunch and it got changed to drinks. It actually interfered with a prior appointment I had, and he promised me he'd be quick (to get home for kids). Well, he ran late and I ended up getting home before he did. He was full of apologies and after talking with him about it, I found out that the "colleague" he met was a woman. Just the two of them.

 

They had a good business reason to get together, but...it bothered me. We talked about it and mostly he agreed that what was inappropriate was not sharing it with me in advance. But I honestly don't know whether my judgment is off right now, in the months after the ending of my affair.

 

Anyway...for some reason, the other night, I picked up his phone. We have open access. I looked at his texts and there were a few between him and this woman. Nothing major. But there was one that said (from her), "Don't forget to send me that picture!" Then from my husband, "Oh yeah, it's at the office! Will do!"

 

So, that lead me to look in his emails. Sure enough, there was an email (in his DELETED file) where he had sent an old college picture of him and another girl to this woman. There was also her response, and she was like, "OMG, can't wait to show this to the girls, they're gonna freak!"

 

So he deleted both his sent email and her reply. He keeps his emails cleaned out, but why delete your sent email?

 

So I've put together that he and this woman were in college at the same time. And apparently the girl in the picture with him was some mutual friend. But all of this friendliness and meeting for drinks alone, etc...is sort of bothering me. They do not work at the same company; she is a client and they work together a LOT.

 

Am I being over-sensitive? Is there anything I should do?

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Yeah I think you're projecting a bit. Your husband has not done anything for you to not trust him. You're not being fair to him.

[Southern Sun]

Yeah I think you're projecting a bit. Your husband has not done anything for you to not trust him. You're not being fair to him.

 

That's not exactly true. He got himself into an EA about 18 months ago, that lasted for a few months. So it's happened before.

 

I've said nothing. Just wondering if I should.

[road]

You both need to learn about having boundaries with the opposite sex.

[Southern Sun]

You both need to learn about having boundaries with the opposite sex.

 

So, are you saying this is or is not inappropriate?

 

I can't tell if you are speaking about past or present behavior.

[camillalev]

I dont see huge wrong doings here but he deleted those emails from his inbox for a reason - he's looking to hide something, even if that thing may not be so big in itself. I'm not married, maybe these things can happen in a marriage as to avoid potential arguments? I don't know, but if I were in a LTR I wouldn't want my SO deleting emails to and from women. It means there's something he's doing that he doesn't want you to know about.

[Marc878]

Ahem, sorry but that's how these things start. Pretty innocent at first but......

 

The key is. Secretive?

[Mr. Lucky]

So he deleted both his sent email and her reply. He keeps his emails cleaned out, but why delete your sent email?

 

I'm pretty fanatical about keeping my inbox organized, by the end of the day every email is either deleted or into a folder.

 

Don't think I've ever deleted a sent email .

 

So yes, I'd say your instincts are pretty good in that he's at least being evasive.

 

On a side note, I'm often struck by how good those that have strayed are at catching their partner's marital misdeeds. Guess that inside knowledge comes in handy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

I think it's innocent now but because he deleted that SENT email---he knows it's inappropriate. (Especially if he's had an EA before...he's proven he's weak and needy)

 

These things can happen in any marriage....it does need to be spoken about. You need to be open with him about your feelings on it. Other wise you are hiding stuff from him and it's going to build up mistrust and worry and anxiousness which is going to hurt your recovery.

 

Have a mature conversation with him.

[Southern Sun]

I'm pretty fanatical about keeping my inbox organized, by the end of the day every email is either deleted or into a folder.

 

Don't think I've ever deleted a sent email .

 

So yes, I'd say your instincts are pretty good in that he's at least being evasive.

 

On a side note, I'm often struck by how good those that have strayed are at catching their partner's marital misdeeds. Guess that inside knowledge comes in handy...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, yeah. Kinda like it's a lot harder for your kids to get away with smoking pot or sneaking out when you've been down that road yourself. Darn experience.

 

(Wish I didn't have inside infidelity knowledge though).

[usa1ah]

So you had a PA. During the same time you say your husband had a EA. Now you are upset that your husband has a female friend that is treating him better then you did. I do mean as a friend. Sorry but no one ever gets over a affair. If another woman comes along and sweeps him off his feet. All you have to do is look in the mirror for the reason why.

[camillalev]

So you had a PA. During the same time you say your husband had a EA. Now you are upset that your husband has a female friend that is treating him better then you did. I do mean as a friend. Sorry but no one ever gets over a affair. If another woman comes along and sweeps him off his feet. All you have to do is look in the mirror for the reason why.

 

 

Wrong.

 

Ever heard two wrongs don't make a right? If he wants to leave then he should. Being dishonest in this way is never justified.

[usa1ah]

Is he being dishonest yet?

 

From what I read it's just a work relationship that has turned into a friendship. There is nothing here to say he is having an affair.

 

I never said for him to cheat like OP did. But when you do cheat, you break the bond that holds the relationship together. If you are not able to fix it then one will eventually leave. Is there a easiness to the friendship with the coworker, yes. She has never betrayed OP's husband. Is there a easiness to OP's relationship with her husband no, we know why. This is the consequences of cheating on your spouse. It will take years for anything that looks or feels like a normal relationship again, if they stay together that long.

 

Cheating destroys a relationship and what comes from the ashes is never the same. Very few times it will strengthen a relationship. Most often it just has the couple going through the motions.

 

This sound like OP is scared of the fact that another woman is just friends with her husband. She know their relationship is on rocky ground and that if the friend tried, she could probably take OP's husband.

 

Best quote from a betrayed spouse to friends explaining relationship status. "I was in a open relationship with my spouse for a year without knowing it". The BS has filed for D and WS is dragging feet.

[40somethingGal]

I would be pretty mad if my husband did the same thing. The appropriate thing for him to do would have been to invite her out to a drink and discussion with him AND his wife. As in, "Let's catch up over a drink at [place] and you can meet my wife!"

 

Other posters say he hasn't done anything wrong. I wonder why he is being so sneaky!

[Southern Sun]

I am not holding him hostage. If he needs to move on from me, he can.

 

However, since he professes to want to reconcile, I would like us to try to do so openly and honestly. Of course, I get that is just MY preference, as it was HIS preference to have an honest marriage while I was in my affair (as far as I know!!).

 

Anyway. Supposedly we agree that we are in an honest R. I did talk to him this morning and it was good. The only problem though - I found texts between him and the colleague on his iPad that were NOT on his phone...indicating that he deleted them from his phone. They weren't awful but they were regarding the night they had drinks and the incident that incited him to send the pic. Turned out that the girl in the picture with him had actually come to the place they had drinks...another college friend of his. He deleted this stuff from his phone.

 

I still don't think anything is happening but...ugh.

[Southern Sun]

We talked. All good.

 

He deleted the texts bc he thought I might be upset, because we had already had "a talk" about the fact he met this woman over drinks. But I wasn't upset that he met her; I was upset that he didn't tell me about it.

 

The moral of the story is that hiding things from each other is what creates problems. If he had been up front about having a drink (for a business reason) with her, he probably would have been open with me about the rest of it. Instead, he hid it, which caused me to be upset, which caused him to hide more, and so it goes...

 

Duh, right?

[usa1ah]

We talked. All good.

 

He deleted the texts bc he thought I might be upset, because we had already had "a talk" about the fact he met this woman over drinks. But I wasn't upset that he met her; I was upset that he didn't tell me about it.

 

The moral of the story is that hiding things from each other is what creates problems. If he had been up front about having a drink (for a business reason) with her, he probably would have been open with me about the rest of it. Instead, he hid it, which caused me to be upset, which caused him to hide more, and so it goes...

 

Duh, right?

 

This marriage is not healthy. The two of you blew it apart pretty good and never repaired it. The foundation is broken up into pieces. Hard to build a lasting loving relationship with no foundation. You have to fix the basics before anything else.

 

It sounds like the two of you are drifting apart still.

[camillalev]

If another woman comes along and sweeps him off his feet. All you have to do is look in the mirror for the reason why.

 

Yes cheating obviously impacts a relationship but If he wants to stick around and give it a shot then that's his decision. If he's unfaithful, dihonest and "another woman sweeps him off his feet" that's not necessarily OPs fault. Like I said two wrongs don't make a right.

[elaine567]

Yes I think you should be concerned.

Unfortunately you alerted him and so next time he will be more careful and hide the evidence better.

College friends share a lot of history and can be very close. He hid some of their conversation and he hid the other woman too.

Be careful.

Assume nothing.

[Jersey born raised]

Hey, it is never a problem till it is. So hit back hard using yourself as an example of "hey it is not a problem until it is and it turned into a big problem didn't it?". Don't think for a second reconcilation is all smooth and easy. A huge part of it is learning how to fight, sometimes down and nasty but always fair.

 

Have you read "Not just Friends"? Have you heard the term "lethal plane of flatness"? If your husband was posting instead of you I would tell him on DDay watch and guard your heart. You will always be vulnerable to an EA that will turn into a scorching PA.

 

The question is not should you be concerned, the question is how to respond. I also think your husband is very vulnerable due to some of what you experienced while with OM.

[usa1ah]

Yes I think you should be concerned.

Unfortunately you alerted him and so next time he will be more careful and hide the evidence better.

College friends share a lot of history and can be very close. He hid some of their conversation and he hid the other woman too.

Be careful.

Assume nothing.

 

And like OP said they are just friends. Hopefully if he decides he doesn't want to stay he will be honest with OP and separate before he enters another relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

Instead, he hid it, which caused me to be upset, which caused him to hide more, and so it goes...

 

And we all know what "it" is.

 

SS, do you think he was looking for validation? Obviously, a PA can be a blow to one's manhood. The behavior would indicate some distance still to go in your recovery...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Southern Sun]

And we all know what "it" is.

 

SS, do you think he was looking for validation? Obviously, a PA can be a blow to one's manhood. The behavior would indicate some distance still to go in your recovery...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks...I'm not sure if he went looking for validation, but when the opportunity came, he enjoyed receiving it. I am not being flippant about this. We have a loooong way to go.