Coping as Dumpee

[Altair0770]

Kind of new here, despite having browsed a lot of these threads.

 

You can skip this part and scroll down if you don't want to know my story

 

 

So a bit about myself first. In early 2016 (so roughly a year ago) I was kind of tired of playing video games online and decided I wanted to get out dating. Well, a girl found me online. She was incredibly cute and had a cute voice.

 

She came after me at first, got my attention. Seemed all over me. Talked about kids, who in the game would be at our wedding, and our happily ever after. We got to know each other and have so much in common.

 

Eventually she asked if I was a virgin or not. Wanted an honest relationship so I said no. She had a panic attack by it and told me a traumatic event that happened in her life. Unfortunately, that stuff happens too frequently in the world. I knew she would be a bit cautious and not want to jump into bed when we first met. I was totally okay with that. I liked her as a person.

 

As time moved on and the more we connected I fell in love with her. I told her that and she responded with "I love you too". That was it. We had to meet.

 

So we planned a trip. I would go meet her at her place for 2 days and we fly back to my place for a week. So, the day came. I flew to her place. We connected instantly. Obviously we were both nervous meeting for the first time. She looked really skinny, more so than in her pictures. Hmmm.

 

We had our day, went to dinner. It was time for the first kiss. I wanted to do it somewhere romantic where she could go when I was gone in our LDR if she ever felt lonely. So the sun started setting... and we went for our walk. She seemed nervous...

 

Long story short she didn't tell me one crucial thing. She has PTSD. She didn't come back with me. I was devastated. I was a trigger. And because of that I was treated poorly. She also didn't tell me for 3 months after the trip what went wrong. A million things were going through my head of why she didn't want me to stay long and wanted me to go back home alone. I mean, can you blame me?

 

She eventually broke up with me. It was a very tearful goodbye. I got mad. Learned who hurt her and what happened to her. I was the only person she ever told. I entered NC immediately. Eventually the pain made me remove her from social media. However, I still watched her Twitter feed. I was hoping she wouldn't be extremely happy I was gone. She was miserable. Depressed. I couldn't let that happen to someone I loved.

 

After 2 months of NC (aka me not contacting her, not the proper non-contact). I eventually reached out.

 

She was still upset for awhile, but was so grateful that I reached out. Very quickly she started feeling very happy, and it felt like I had her back, despite me taking it very slow (because of her PTSD). Maybe I took it too slow. I heard from a friend she had a new paramour. I asked about it, and she said "idk, maybe". Told her I had no interest in being around while she was interested in someone else. So I did NC for 1 day. Confessed my feelings for her the day after. She seemed uninterested. Then I got the hint, and told her if I haven't done enough to prove that I'm a good boyfriend and would always be there for you, there is nothing more I can do. I deserve to be loved. If you want someone else, then I'm not going to be here. She got really sad and wanted to puke. Thought I hated her. We talked voice to voice the next day and she said the doors closed, wanted me to move on and would be okay with me leaving if thats what it takes to be a "normal friend".

 

Not okay with that personally. So, I had her block me and I did the same from everything. She didn't want to, but told her its her choice. The new interest better be better than me and I hope she knows what she's giving up.

 

 

How I'm coping and my advice to you

 

Granted, my situation is a LOT different. It was about a 7 month LDR but we connected. Had the same future ideas, and had a lot in common. Never had sex, never had really any intimacy. And for about 3 of those months it was her sitting on her ass while I was wondering what I did wrong. But I still loved her very much. There were times I was suicidal. I had to be put on anti-depressants and suffered extreme anxiety attacks. Not to mention I also have self-diagnosed Vicarious Trauma from knowing her story.

 

So, here is what worked for me. Mind you, I still struggle with it. But I don't cry. I don't get sad. It bugs me that it didn't work out, and I'm not completely over the situation. But I do enjoy life and am relatively happy. This is advice and also maybe some "hope", just don't think this is the end all be all. EVERY PERSON IS DIFFERENT.

 

1) Don't beg or plead. DON'T DO IT. It *NEVER* works and if it seems to work, it will only be temporarily. Very temporarily. Granted, when you first broke up, like right when it happened, you may have begged and pleaded. That is okay and natural. Just don't do it after that moment. If you're doing it, stop now and respect yourself. Just because someone you once loved doesn't appreciate you, doesn't mean others don't.

 

2) Start TRUE No Contact. You'll see it everywhere. No contact isn't a way to get an ex back. Its a way to HEAL. This means do *NOT* get updates about him/her. It means do not *Contact* them ever. (duh). It doesn't mean sit at home and wait 30 days or whatever you'll hear and once the 30 days are up see if they miss you. It means you erase them completely out of your life like they decided to erase you from theirs. Even if they want to be friends. Even if they want to keep in touch. DO NOT CONTACT THEM AND DO NOT KNOW THEY EXIST. Do NOT stalk, ask for updates from mutual friends, go to places they are at, ask about them, or anything. It's bad enough they're going to be on your mind for a few weeks/months 24/7. Trust me, you don't want to know about them at all. Even if they're depressed and lonely.

 

Doing No Contact is the best option because you give the dumper what they "wished" for and nearly all the time it in return gives you the power. Just make sure you do not give them the power in return. Until you have gotten over the breakup and accepted, do not reply to them at all. Stick with your NC. It's okay to have a talk, but they are the ones that have to show genuine interest in reconciliation. Just keep the talk short and try not to show desperation. Don't try to make them jealous - they will see right through it and know you aren't over them. Do what you can to show that you are over them, even if you aren't. If they reach out to you, keep in mind you have the power in your hands, even if you so desperately want them back. In your mind it's relationship or we never speak again. Showing any sign of weakness shifts the power. It's why relationships are considered a game.

 

3) Focus on YOU. This is important. Do stuff you enjoy. We all have a hobby we enjoy that distracts us. You likely won't stop thinking about them while you're enjoying this hobby, but it's better than sitting around and doing nothing but thinking of them. Even a second of peace in your head is more peace than if you just dwell. Pick a hobby you enjoy and try to improve on it. Preferably something that makes you physically active. Even if the weather is terrible. Try to get out and move your body. However, when you focus on YOU, make sure it's 100% about YOU, and not trying to get your ex jealous. Get a haircut if YOU want one. Get new clothes if YOU want to. Not because you think it'll make your ex jealous or you might re-attract them.

 

4) Talk to your friends. Talking to your friends/family is the best way to just get it out and true friends will listen and be supportive and a big help. Just make sure you explain that although you may repeat yourself a lot, it is a HUGE help just to have them LISTEN. Even if someone is your best friend though, make sure they are someone willing to listen, and not someone that asks a million questions when you're mid sentence or someone that just says "get over it" or tries to lecture you. If you can't find someone to just listen, then try entering therapy. Believe it or not, therapy helps A LOT.

 

5) Hang around friends of the opposite sex. I know some people will say the best way to get over someone is to rebound but honestly, even if that does work, you're just passing your own pain to someone else. Never enter a relationship if you're clearly not over someone. That is being a terrible person. Ask some of your friends of the opposite sex to hangout and maybe meet their friends that are the same sex as them. Don't go their with the intention of hooking up with someone, but it does help see that there truly are more options and you may meet someone that is interested in you and that will help rather than just instantly going to Tinder or something for a booty call.

 

6) Never agree to anything less than what you want. It doesn't matter if they cry and beg you to stick around as a best friend or close buddy. If you want more, do not accept anything less. Once you plant the seed that you are only their friend, it will grow and eventually you'll be friendzoned (especially to you my fellow males). Trust me you'd rather have your ex hate your guts after a breakup rather than be friendzoned. Because even after years of NC, they will assume that whenever you do initiate contact you only want to be friends. (granted after a long hiatus they may be okay with starting a bit more than that but...)

 

Now time for some hopeful messages. Keep in mind I don't want this to be FALSE hope. These are just things I witnessed in many breakups that help get me through the day with my current one. The best thing for you to do after a breakup is shift all your focus to yourself and improve yourself.

 

 

1) it is true that people generally want what they can't have. Have you ever had like a toy or video game you use to love but then you got bored with it? Then something reminds you of that toy or video game or whatever and you get super anxious to play with it again like it's brand new? Same can be with relationships. I'm sure we all randomly saw a friend we haven't seen in ages and randomly bump into each other again and are really happy to do so, even if the last time you saw each other you wanted to kill each other. Ever hear how bullies from high school can become someones best friend? Even if your relationship ended horrifically (unless you cheated or abused your SO), after enough time has passed those thoughts will fade.

 

2) Most reconciliations that happen soon after a breakup is more because the breakup had not much leading up to it and the dumper didn't take much thought in breaking up and was likely the result of miscommunication or a fight or wrongful assumptions. Not saying all are this way, but don't get your hopes up that a 30 day NC rule is going to bring your ex back if you've had trouble for awhile

 

3) Most reconciliations tend to happen after enough time has passed, when the breakup isn't fresh. Where there has been time to mature and let go. Remember, in order for a reconciliation to work (and not just be a temporary get back together and then break up again), BOTH parties need to mature and the issues need to no longer be present that lead to the breakup. It needs to be a BRAND NEW relationship. Not just pick up where you left off.

 

4) Moving on is the best way to get an ex back. Showing you do not care at all (even if you do) makes the dumper really feel that sense of loss. Showing them that their decision is actually final and you are no longer in their life is the best way to get their attention. For me, the second I posted a picture of me and my new girlfriend on Facebook, exes I haven't spoken to in YEARS all of a sudden started to take notice and started wanting to get to know me again. Unfortunately for them I was long over them. I wasn't trying to make anyone jealous, I was simply posting a picture and I showed no weakness to any of my exes. The best part of moving on besides that being, imo, the best way to get an ex back, is that you actually might move on from someone that was okay with erasing you from their life after you poured your heart into them. WIN WIN!

 

5) NO THEY WILL NOT FORGET ABOUT YOU. Unless your relationship lasted like 5 minutes, they will never forget about you, just like you will never forget about them. I asked a girl out because someone I was actually interested in was pushing me to do so. I was depressed and young and dumb. I wanted out the second she said yes. I don't dwell on her at all, but I still don't just forget about her. The fear of someone that once said, "I love you" forgetting about you is...well... understandable but ridiculous. They may never have those feelings again, but they won't just erase you completely from their mind. Unless of course a tragic accident happens...

 

6) From my experiences, most reconciliations fail... because the dumpee simply loses interest. Especially in cases of GIGS. Remember, the dumper left you because they thought someone else may be better. They may be right or may be wrong. Really depends on who you were in the relationship. While you got a headstart of getting over the dumper, when their GIGS fails (if it does) they will be in the situation you are in. ESPECIALLY if they got dumped. They could possibly have dumpers remorse and also the pain of losing someone, and will think of you as an option if your relationship was indeed positive and they still care about you. This puts ALL THE POWER in your hands. Muahahaha

 

 

 

Now, I'm not relationship guru. I may be wrong. Many may in fact disagree with me. I may even make it seem easier than it really is. BUT, the main thing you need to do as a dumpee is focus on yourself. If you improve yourself, people will take notice. I'm 6'4 and people comment all the time on how I'm tall... even people that see me regularly. People will notice qualities that are attractive to them. Be who YOU want to be before worrying about the person that broke your heart things. Remember, your current state is not your final destination. Things do get better over time. That is sped up if you make the effort to improve yourself. And even if someone says a door is closed, no one can predict the future. Sometimes people chase lust and give up happiness. They live in the moment. Doesn't mean their hearts and thoughts will change. Doesn't mean they won't either. But have some faith in yourself. I know you're struggling. Know you're fighting a tough battle. But do not give up on yourself just because someone else did.

Edited March 4, 2017 by Altair0770