Anyone else ever worry about how the ex who dumped you thinks of you?

[BrightlyBlazing]

My last real relationship was with my best friend, whom I fell hard for and loved deeply but who basically was only with me so that she could rebound from having her heart broken a few months earlier. She came on really strong at first, then grew increasingly distant and started treating me like a bother, all the while telling me that everything was fine and she was happy, that she loved me with all her heart, even that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I felt increasingly confused between her words and her actions and felt taken for granted and unwanted, and I told her I missed feeling like a part of her life, but I tried to trust her and encouraged her to take some space, spend time with friends, etc., as long as she occasionally sprinkled some affection and attention on me as well. When she dumped me without wanting to try and fix anything beforehand or even talk about what was wrong, I felt used and led on. She repeatedly told me she needed me in her life, and that I was her best friend, but I told her I couldn't go back to being friends because my feelings had changed, and I wanted more now.

 

I went no contact and deleted her from my phones and social media, partially because it hurt too much to see her on my phone and in my friends lists, and partially because I knew the only way I was going to be able to move on was if I made a clean break, but partially also because she told me a story about a 'friend' of hers who had just been dumped and was trying to be friends with her ex, only to have her ex keep saying it was too soon and that she should wait to hear from her before contacting again.

 

Looking back now, the story might have been about her worrying that I might cut her off if she dumped me, or about her and the girl who rejected her before we got together, or about someone else entirely. But at the time I thought she may have passive aggressively hinting that she was afraid I might be a clingy ex, trying to be 'friends' before she was ready, and I was determined not to be that girl (not that I would have been otherwise nessecarily, just that at the time the idea strengthened my determination to just walk away and go no contact. If she changed her mind or wanted me back, she could find a way to get in touch with me, I had fought and been patient and loving and supportive the whole time we were together and up to the moment she dumped me and now, I was DONE.)

 

It's been seven months now, and a hard recovery. I missed her terribly for a long time, and I kept trying to blame myself, convinced that something must have been wrong with me in order for her to just give up on us without even talking about anything beforehand, especially after saying she wanted to spend her life with me. Only slowly did I start to connect the dots and understand how our relationship fit the pattern of a rebound, from the strange secrecy at the beginning to the very public social messaging once we went public to the mixture of bitterness and wistfulness towards her ex, etc... It took even longer for me to really accept the reality of that and let go of my self-cross-examination.

 

I haven't looked her up on social media even once, of which I am oddly proud, and I didnt reply to her one weird, random get out the vote message in november. I don't think about her much anymore, but every so often I wonder if she ever thinks of me, and whether she thinks poorly of me, as the patheticly devoted sap who she hoodwinked into helping her get over the girl she was really hung up on and who was devasted and brokenhearted for months afterwards, or well of me, as the girl who loved her with all her heart but had enough self respect to walk away when it was clear that she'd been lying to me for months and leading me on, and who kept her grief and heartbrokeness to herself and her own personal blog without ever once bothering her or trying to change her mind or even look her up on social media.

 

I'm oddly hung up on worrying that she thinks poorly of me. I wish I knew why.

Edited March 4, 2017 by BrightlyBlazing

[magnesium]

Well, to answer your question in your title, I knew for a fact that my ex thought poorly of me. I heard through a mutual friend she viewed me as a "weak" man.

 

It hurt a lot, and I had to do a lot of self-reflection. That comment changed my life drastically, I took it way too seriously.

 

Let me tell you for a second about this woman who used me and led me on...after almost a year later when I did all my self-reflection, educating myself about relationships, and so forth: this girl is a covert narcissist and a drug addict.

 

And even almost a year later, of which I had no contact with her, she reached out twice to me, and both times I didn't reply. I knew by now that what she did to me, I shouldn't take it personally. She has her own serious character flaws and a drug disease.

 

--

 

Now about you. You got used, and led on. She wanted her ex to see how quickly she moved on, and used you to achieve that.

 

Take this time to improve yourself. Don't try to take her actions towards you personally, because in her world, it wasn't about you, it was all about her and her needs. Take a good look at her crappy actions, and really it doesn't matter what she thinks of you.

 

What matters is what you think of you.

 

Besides, you are always doing the best you can with the knowledge and awareness you had at the time. So you can't beat yourself up about this.

 

Things will get better, and you will become a stronger person because of this experience.

[keiji]

I couldn't care less what they think. We tend to justify our actions by blaming third parties and saying to ourselves that we behaved in a certain way because they did this and that. One of the last things my ex-girlfriend said to me is that I am the most frustrating person she's ever met. And I probably was, because I wasn't satisfying her demands and needs. But if someone asked me to define myself in one word, should I say I'm a frustrating individual? I don't think so.

 

The image they have of you is not you. The same happens the other way around, of course.

Edited March 4, 2017 by keiji

[banquetee]

He has probably had multiple conversations with his friends, making fun of me and saying all kinds of nasty things about me. I had a bit of meltdown after the breakup because of what he said to me. Basically I went through a relationship, but he never cared for me so why would he hold back thoughts of contempt for me. But unless you have done terrible things to ex and abused her, these thoughts of contempt are not warranted. They reflect more on your ex than you. I have found that my ex's words have revealed him to be a truly vile person so I rejoice in knowing that he hates me. I wouldn't want to be loved by someone like that.

[BryanSmiley]

I think it can be fairly natural to at least wonder what they think of you, and even worry. We all by the creatures we are - desire to be liked, accepted. What can be worse than the person whom you for a time were closest with, judged to have a mutually strong connection – thinking poorly of you.

 

Something which struck me lately is how without much change on my side, or follow up interaction, the girl who dumped me seemed to change how she acted around me very suddenly. She went from wanting to kiss and hug me, just before, and post breakup, to wanting total distance and no contact. Now there was probably some guilt causing some of the behaviours. But I also think a dumper can be confused in their own thoughts, don’t discuss them openly to work through, then exaggerate either the pro’s and keep going, or they exaggerate the negatives to full on ‘stop’.

 

If they decide to call things off, I think to convince and emotionally protect themselves they can fall down the line of exaggerating the negatives to justify. Dumpers sometimes take a little comfort and empowerment from making the decision, it leads to a big distance being created, a different way of treating the ex, almost with contempt as they have made the apparent necessary emotionally mature move, rightly or wrongly.

[tinytiger87]

At the end of the day, their opinion should not matter to you anymore. MY ex cheated on me, got knocked up, and moved 300 miles away all in the course of about two months, then she lied to me about when she got pregnant to try to cover up the fact that she cheated. Then she had the nerve to call me a "psycho bitch boy" and criticize me for the way that i handled the breakup (we worked together so of course when i started acting differently at work, everyone had to know why. She and I never told anyone at work we were dating, we just didnt want the drama [later found out it was because she had been cheating the entire time we were together with someone else at a different store, but i digress lol)

One of the most irritating things she said was "if you were really happy with your life then this wouldn't be that big of a deal." That was the moment i knew i could not keep contact with her and that her opinion was invalid in my life. What a selfish and childish thing to say to someone, especially when YOU were the one in the wrong.

But im here to tell you OP, it'll get easier. That was last spring/summer and as time has gone by, it has gotten much easier to forget her and her self entitled opinions. At the end of the day, the only person whose opinion of you matters is YOURS.

[SixxChick]

As I tend to be a people pleaser, I think of this a lot. And I hate it because my ex brought out the worst in me. I could have walked away from the relationship with a lot more dignity, but it is what it is. It definitely was a learning experience. I just wish some lessons were not so hard to learn.