Text my ex.. Worst mistake, back to square 1

[HumanMachine]

I messaged my ex in a moment of weakness..

 

"I miss you and I want to see you"

 

She replied

 

"I can't today i'm busy with friends, but maybe; depends"

 

I replied

 

"On..."

 

Now nothing

 

I have accomplished nothing and i've only made myself feel worsse. If you're contemplating texting an ex PLEASE DON'T

[Zahara]

Is this the ex that you thought was possibly cheating or cheating?

 

Either way, you should block her. You should delete her number. You may fall into a darker rabbit hole if she reaches out and you resume some sort of contact.

[JGB]

I've been there, man. Texting her is like a drug and you think, "I just need to talk to her, I can convince her how great I am and we can be together again!", but as soon as you get the fix, you feel like **** and you have to start all over.

 

I'm a little over a month in my recent breakup, and it's been 5 days she's texted me. I'm starting to long to hear from her, but I refuse to do it. Texting her will result in nothing but pain. We have to be stronger than these urges.

[dumbass2]

Mistakes happen, but that is not the issue. The issue is that you still want this woman back when the relationship was full of issues with her and her not being able to cut people off, especially her ex. This woman is not good relationship material for you. That is the issue. Now tell yourself that this mistake must not happen again for those reason and you really need to move past her for good.

 

She might not mind having you around on her terms and to supply some kind of benefit to her, but it will in no way benefit you. This woman and you will never be together in a healthy relationship.

[Maldives]

I messaged my ex in a moment of weakness..

 

"I miss you and I want to see you"

 

She replied

 

"I can't today i'm busy with friends, but maybe; depends"

 

I replied

 

"On..."

 

Now nothing

 

I have accomplished nothing and i've only made myself feel worsse. If you're contemplating texting an ex PLEASE DON'T

 

Yes I've learnt this the hard way. Doing this or smsing on there bday or for Xmas does nothing for u. Realise they wrenched ur heart out and hurt the crap out or u and that shld be reason enough. If u made mistakes forgive ureself rather than seek it thru these retards all it does is boost the re e ego and makes them think they were absolutly perfect in the relationship and in a way ur doing them a disservice. Ill never again tell an ex how much I regretted x and x that. Forgive ureself that is key

[todreaminblue]

it could be worse.....they could actually really want to see you all it takes is reminiscing about old times realizing those times were pretty good...so they want you to see them.....you agree ...and then figure out this is going to be a huge mistake how can i get out of it.....and either way...someone gets hurt all over again/.....in my case...it will always be me....

 

be grateful......missing someone or missing them and their closeness to you....can be better than being with them again...and rebreaking scar tissue...you know how your mum said dont pick at scars..yeah ...dont...they hurt the same as when they formed....deb

Edited March 5, 2017 by todreaminblue

[nowhereboy]

I think it's a combination of denial and uncertainty that leads to us texting the one who broke our heart.

 

In my low moments I think "she must miss me a little" I think of all the promises she made, all the times she cried with raw emotion all of the love she once showed and think it can't just have vanished.

 

I keep thinking if I can just show her I understand, just show her I have improved, just show her this that or whatever.

 

It's like there's always something left unsaid in these situations and we need to get it out.

 

Thing is it's blindingly obvious for most of us that they couldn't care a less what we have to say anymore.

[nowhereboy]

For the record I just texted my ex this morning too.

 

Told her I'm moving down south for work for a while and asked about her new job. I also asked if we could grab a coffee or something before I leave to catch up.

 

She dodged the question, replied very briefly to advise about her job, didn't even mention the fact that I'll be moving away.

 

I asked about her son who I raised as my own for years, she told me he is doing fine. I asked if we could talk on the phone before I leave as we still have loose ends to tie up.

 

Took her an hour to reply to say "ok I'm busy today tho, I'll text and let you know"

 

I've never promised someone forever and then treated them like an inconvenient stranger afterwards. I don't understand it.

[Bromeo]

For the record I just texted my ex this morning too.

 

Told her I'm moving down south for work for a while and asked about her new job. I also asked if we could grab a coffee or something before I leave to catch up.

 

She dodged the question, replied very briefly to advise about her job, didn't even mention the fact that I'll be moving away.

 

I asked about her son who I raised as my own for years, she told me he is doing fine. I asked if we could talk on the phone before I leave as we still have loose ends to tie up.

 

Took her an hour to reply to say "ok I'm busy today tho, I'll text and let you know"

 

I've never promised someone forever and then treated them like an inconvenient stranger afterwards. I don't understand it.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much, and definitely stop contacting her. While I am loathe to use "beta" terms, I know, because I did it too, she was being distant but still texting you, and you kept pressing it. I was right there, and I get it.

 

For context, mine did the exact same thing, but her games had an exponent. She ghosted me, I chased. Whenever I would back away, she would text, send bikini photos, etc. only time she met up was to collect gifts. When I would try and make a date, I'd get what you got, busy, I'll think about it, etc.

 

This got old really, really quick. I asked mine to just be clear with me for months. Just say she didn't love me, had a new man, didn't want me, etc.

 

Went nc finally before Xmas. This lasted a month before she started emailing and trying to play her stupid games again. Cut her off, and blocked her on FB after a week.

 

What we miss is the person who used to be so close to us, forcefully putting distance between us now. It's frustrating as hell, but you have to resign yourself that:

 

1. Things are different now, and most likely won't go back.

2. She is keeping space between you two for a reason.

3. Nothing you say or do will make a difference.

 

I know this because I chased for months. Nothing made a dent, and only prolonged my pain.

 

Give her time and space and see what happens. Dust yourself off. She knows you love her, let her work it out in her head.

[nowhereboy]

Thanks man.

 

You're right, she does know.

 

I just can't get my head around her decision, I'm such a good father figure to her son, helped out loads around the house, supported her through everything.

 

She just couldn't see it, she would constantly rip into me for trivial things, If I slept in past 9am on a weekend it was a problem for example. It didn't matter that I'd been working all week and been up doing school runs at the crack of dawn.

 

She was never grateful for my love to her son, it was just expected.

 

All her ex boyfriends have been deadbeats, the Dad is a waste of time.

 

And here I am, well educated, decent job and fully committed to her and she does this.

[Bromeo]

We could be telling the same story.

 

Mine was a small town girl from Indiana. 36, pretty, no education, bartender. Let's say I'm the opposite.

 

Got her several jobs, paid her rent, etc. started exercising with her, and helped her get into school for accounting and equestrian.

 

After our "breakup", I was willing to work out whatever issues she had. And provided evidence of such. When they make up their mind, you can't change it. Only they can.

 

"If I could just show her, take all the blame, make her listen, make her see the effort, why can't she just be clear with me, etc." yup.

 

None of the above is currently occurring. And last I checked, she was with some mope. Yup.

 

If the above is correct, let me save you months of pain with the following:

 

1. Neither of you are perfect, and relationships are 100/100.

2. If she wants to go, let her go, do not chase, and let her come to you if she is going to.

3. You are clearly a good person, so give her the gift of several failed relationships in the future.

4. If she slings breadcrumbs, post here for advice.

5. It's hard as a mofo, but work on yourself, let the emotions drain out, and vent as much as you need to.

6. Do not, and I mean DO NOT take all the blame. This is hard to accept as well.

7. Do not reach out again. Any attempt to contact her will look like an attempt to reconcile, and she has to make the first concrete move.

 

I wish I had the above list during mine. I acted crazy as hell.

 

Things have a way of coming back around. Seriously, read my tale of woe and check for similarities.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/461000-bromeo/

 

Check in and let us know how it's going. Be safe out there.

 

Dave

[Marc878]

If you chase they flee further away, always.

[HumanMachine]

She replied later that evening, and then followed up the following morning confirming the meet up

 

When we met it was a surreal experience, we both just sat and stared at each other for about 5 minutes. No words, nothing. I told her "i've missed you", she replied "i've missed you too".

 

We had a good evening talking, laughing & reminiscing about the good times.

 

I told her how I felt, she said she felt the same but had to work on her own issues before we got back into a relationship. She promised me that in this time that she wouldn't be seeing anybody else.

 

I left and she said "i love you, please give me time"

 

No matter how this woman has acted/treated me in the paat I am so hopelessly in love with her..

 

Damn

[bluefeather]

"i love you, please give me time"

 

That means please give me time to decide if I want to be with you or with someone else. Maybe that moment you had sounds really romantic to you, but when you see it for what it is, it's quite pathetic.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm trying to get you to understand.

[la74219]

That means please give me time to decide if I want to be with you or with someone else. Maybe that moment you had sounds really romantic to you, but when you see it for what it is, it's quite pathetic.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm trying to get you to understand.

 

Agreed don't fall for it!!

[frigginlost]

That means please give me time to decide if I want to be with you or with someone else. Maybe that moment you had sounds really romantic to you, but when you see it for what it is, it's quite pathetic.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm trying to get you to understand.

 

OP, take note of the above. Bluefeather is spot on.

 

You are setting yourself up to be destroyed beyond belief if you fall for the "give me time" line.

[Bromeo]

These things are rarely so concrete or black and white. However, here I agree.

 

Can you think of a time in your life when you weren't sure whether you wanted to spend time with someone? Especially someone of the opposite sex. I can't.

 

My version of "give me time" was.... wait for it... "I'm so confused". More BS.

 

With the notable exception of my ex, I cannot think of a time that a woman wasn't crystal clear with me about liking me, not liking, hanging out, etc. My ex simply was a coward who couldn't have a hard talk. Yours sounds the same.

 

I wouldn't wait around, but give her the gift of NC. Let her miss you, she may feel smothered, she might have another man, or whatever her stupid reason is. Its really not your concern, as you are not together. Mine started emailing after I went NC through the holidays.

 

Normally I try and act with more decorum, but this thread hits close to home for me. I grit my teeth when I read this, because I know how he is feeling.

 

I can see the op acting like I did, texting, getting delayed, nebulous responses, getting frustrated and feeling confused about what to do.

 

Mine would send memes, texts, and quotes, but never pick up the phone, and never respond to return texts.

 

I'm going to save you months of pain. The only thing that checks this type of behavior is rock solid, clear communication.

 

Example, "I've been reaching out, and I've been getting uncertain responses. I'm going to go live my life. When you make up your mind, feel free to reach out."

 

Then walk away and never look back.

 

Example 2, "Listen, I love you and want to be with you. If that is not what you want, please be clear so I can move on with my life."

 

No response? Walk away and never look back.

 

Seriously, read my thread. I'm about 6 months down this path, and I wish I had someone stop me before I dug myself into the hole I did.

 

You are better than this. When your self confidence improves, you will look back and be appalled you tolerated this, no matter what the cause of the breakup was.

[mightycpa]

Agree. I need time really means that she needs time for you to get used to the idea of being without her. In a way, it's telling how little she thinks of you, not because she wants out, but because she thinks you're not man enough to handle the news. She's treating you like a fragile little flower, turning the thermostat up slowly, one degree at a time, lest you wither and die because of the rapid change.

 

The way this will work is that you'll learn about something that will disappoint you. In fact, that's already started. You wanted to see her, she was busy with friends. That wasn't much, objectively, but it disappointed you. Next time, it will be a little more. Again, it won't be too much, but it will go in a direction that is opposite of what you want. It might be a facebook post, it might be a move, it might be a trip with "friends", but it will be something that rubs you the wrong way and for good reason. No self-improvement, aka "dealing with issues" will be involved. Nope, she'll simply be doing something she wants to do. Like being with friends.

 

And if you stick it out, it will be a couple more disappointments after that, and then she'll finally lower the boom on you, having given you sufficient time and space and warning for you to finally catch on that the only real issue she has is that she doesn't have the courage or decency to tell you the truth. Even then, you'll probably need to be told, and she'll wonder what is wrong with you that you have to hear the words spoken out loud. You'll hear the disdain in her tone of voice.

 

My advice? Do exactly as she asks. Send her a text that says "I've decided to do as you've asked. Take all the time you need. Get back to me when your issues are not an issue anymore, but not before then."

 

Then block her number to rob her of the opportunity to reply and take that first step in moving on. It can be done.

[la74219]

Agree. I need time really means that she needs time for you to get used to the idea of being without her. In a way, it's telling how little she thinks of you, not because she wants out, but because she thinks you're not man enough to handle the news. She's treating you like a fragile little flower, turning the thermostat up slowly, one degree at a time, lest you wither and die because of the rapid change.

 

The way this will work is that you'll learn about something that will disappoint you. In fact, that's already started. You wanted to see her, she was busy with friends. That wasn't much, objectively, but it disappointed you. Next time, it will be a little more. Again, it won't be too much, but it will go in a direction that is opposite of what you want. It might be a facebook post, it might be a move, it might be a trip with "friends", but it will be something that rubs you the wrong way and for good reason. No self-improvement, aka "dealing with issues" will be involved. Nope, she'll simply be doing something she wants to do. Like being with friends.

 

And if you stick it out, it will be a couple more disappointments after that, and then she'll finally lower the boom on you, having given you sufficient time and space and warning for you to finally catch on that the only real issue she has is that she doesn't have the courage or decency to tell you the truth. Even then, you'll probably need to be told, and she'll wonder what is wrong with you that you have to hear the words spoken out loud. You'll hear the disdain in her tone of voice.

 

My advice? Do exactly as she asks. Send her a text that says "I've decided to do as you've asked. Take all the time you need. Get back to me when your issues are not an issue anymore, but not before then."

 

Then block her number to rob her of the opportunity to reply and take that first step in moving on. It can be done.

 

This is 100% spot on. I could not have said it better. The only thing I'll add is when she does lower the boom, she might say something to the effect of "I didn't want to hurt you so I didn't know how to tell you sooner." And even after all that she might expect that after some time you two can indeed be friends. And if you say anything to stand up for yourself, she will try and flip it on you making you out to be the bad person. You will then feel as if you are going crazy or losing your mind.

 

Don't do it to yourself. She may or may never contact you again, but don't do it to yourself. Don't allow yourself to sink any lower than you already have. You're better than that, and you deserve better. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all. Go no contact, and do what is best for yourself.

[dumbass2]

Sorry to hear that she handled things the way she did. If she truly felt anything for you she wouldn't have met up with you and acted the way she did. It was selfish on her end and you are taking it as hope and she is so wonderful and thoughtful. She's not. It is wrong to string someone along that you know has strong feelings for you. I sense that this meeting has messed you up and given you false hope. Please be careful and try to look at things from a distance. Don't be waiting for her. Despite what she says, she is not waiting for you.

[Bromeo]

Agree. I need time really means that she needs time for you to get used to the idea of being without her. In a way, it's telling how little she thinks of you, not because she wants out, but because she thinks you're not man enough to handle the news. She's treating you like a fragile little flower, turning the thermostat up slowly, one degree at a time, lest you wither and die because of the rapid change.

 

The way this will work is that you'll learn about something that will disappoint you. In fact, that's already started. You wanted to see her, she was busy with friends. That wasn't much, objectively, but it disappointed you. Next time, it will be a little more. Again, it won't be too much, but it will go in a direction that is opposite of what you want. It might be a facebook post, it might be a move, it might be a trip with "friends", but it will be something that rubs you the wrong way and for good reason. No self-improvement, aka "dealing with issues" will be involved. Nope, she'll simply be doing something she wants to do. Like being with friends.

 

And if you stick it out, it will be a couple more disappointments after that, and then she'll finally lower the boom on you, having given you sufficient time and space and warning for you to finally catch on that the only real issue she has is that she doesn't have the courage or decency to tell you the truth. Even then, you'll probably need to be told, and she'll wonder what is wrong with you that you have to hear the words spoken out loud. You'll hear the disdain in her tone of voice.

 

My advice? Do exactly as she asks. Send her a text that says "I've decided to do as you've asked. Take all the time you need. Get back to me when your issues are not an issue anymore, but not before then."

 

Then block her number to rob her of the opportunity to reply and take that first step in moving on. It can be done.

 

This is almost exactly what happened to me. Always busy, nebulous texts, but she sure as hell would meet up to collect the gifts I had bought for her.

 

In one instance, the last one, I procured a pretty gift box. Inside it I placed a gift certificate to cover getting her hair done, nails done, a bottle of wine, rose, and two cocktail dresses. The thought being she could dress up, and I would take her out for an evening in Chicago, and give us time to talk. She told me she hadn't had her hair done in months, kissed my neck, held my hand, took my gifts, and promptly disappeared and started her distant, game playing nonsense, similar to what op is starting.

 

This was the third, and last time I put myself through that.

 

I am angry at myself for going through that, and wish I had started my thread sooner. It infuriates me to think she used my gifts for what I assume is a date with the mope she was/is with.

 

Op, please. Do not put yourself through what I went through. Save yourself months of pain. My ex, and yours are straight cowards.

 

Dave

[Maldives]

We could be telling the same story.

 

Mine was a small town girl from Indiana. 36, pretty, no education, bartender. Let's say I'm the opposite.

 

Got her several jobs, paid her rent, etc. started exercising with her, and helped her get into school for accounting and equestrian.

 

After our "breakup", I was willing to work out whatever issues she had. And provided evidence of such. When they make up their mind, you can't change it. Only they can.

 

"If I could just show her, take all the blame, make her listen, make her see the effort, why can't she just be clear with me, etc." yup.

 

None of the above is currently occurring. And last I checked, she was with some mope. Yup.

 

If the above is correct, let me save you months of pain with the following:

 

1. Neither of you are perfect, and relationships are 100/100.

2. If she wants to go, let her go, do not chase, and let her come to you if she is going to.

3. You are clearly a good person, so give her the gift of several failed relationships in the future.

4. If she slings breadcrumbs, post here for advice.

5. It's hard as a mofo, but work on yourself, let the emotions drain out, and vent as much as you need to.

6. Do not, and I mean DO NOT take all the blame. This is hard to accept as well.

7. Do not reach out again. Any attempt to contact her will look like an attempt to reconcile, and she has to make the first concrete move.

 

I wish I had the above list during mine. I acted crazy as hell.

 

Things have a way of coming back around. Seriously, read my tale of woe and check for similarities.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/461000-bromeo/

 

Check in and let us know how it's going. Be safe out there.

 

Dave

 

 

Yes I 2nd that after 20 odd yrs of relationships 3 series wth one marriage 10yrs chasing does does nothing accept in my ex wife's case she use to comment I hardly even tried I guess it depends but wen I did she'd go Hot n cold lol so go figure it lead to nil. Yrs later I reached out to her aftrr she'd been contacting me initially bout picking up some stuff only time be told even tho she initiated it calling me to be told never to call her again and it was the worst experience of her life so ye man don't bother and the above is correcthe u r not completly a fault sometimes it may not even be the case that it's ur fault it's the connection or feeling it's just not there wat they shld of done is realised this earlier and saved u the heartache. Anyway absolutly the above aresults spot like the commandments of being dumped do not contact them. Remember u r unique and everybody deserved to be loved forgiven etc given another chance. Once it's broken it's like flogging a dead horse.

[HumanMachine]

I didn't hear from her all day yesterday, then as soon as I left work she text me asking to meet. We went out again and spent the whole night together. These past 2 meetings have felt exactly like our old dates, just fun and enjoyable.

 

She kept mentioning about the future, saying we should do x in future months, and that her family couldn't wait to see me again (her parents even text her whilst she was out saying "say hi to *me* we all miss him")

 

I know myself that i'm just dreaming with this girl, it's never going to work. You're all right and i'm just setting myself up for a massive disappoinment, but i feel like I have to just ride it and give it a go..

[frigginlost]

I didn't hear from her all day yesterday, then as soon as I left work she text me asking to meet. We went out again and spent the whole night together. These past 2 meetings have felt exactly like our old dates, just fun and enjoyable.

 

She kept mentioning about the future, saying we should do x in future months, and that her family couldn't wait to see me again (her parents even text her whilst she was out saying "say hi to *me* we all miss him")

 

I know myself that i'm just dreaming with this girl, it's never going to work. You're all right and i'm just setting myself up for a massive disappoinment, but i feel like I have to just ride it and give it a go..

 

Most of us on these boards have done the same thing, so you're not going to get flogged by us for doing what you need to do for you.

 

Just be extremely cautious.

[bluefeather]

Hey, HumanMachine.

 

Well, you do what you gotta do, but I don't think I will stick around for when the time comes that you feel even worse because of this. And it won't be because I am upset that you didn't take our advice; it would be because that could hit a little too close to home for me right now. So good luck and peace out.