I Want to be Over Him So We Can Be Friends

[trainingground]

In need of advice. This clogs up so much of my thinking...

 

I was in a relationship with a guy who broke things off for very stupid reasons. I honestly think the real issues are 1) my age (I'm 13 years older) and 2) he's worried about getting too serious at his age. I'm in a place where I can be, I think he is not.

 

He has attributed some of his reasoning to be my mental health issues, but they're actually not that serious because I've been working on it diligently (one time I had a breakdown in front of him where I was anxious and couldn't stop crying- this prompted the breakup 5 months ago).

 

We had no contact for a little over 5 weeks, but now we still hang out platonically, and when we do, we have an incredible time. But he's seeing someone else, and wants to see where it will go. He said he wants to move on from us romantically.

I'm still in love with him. And I hate that, because it jacks up what would otherwise be a wonderful friendship. I know he still has feelings for me too, but he fights them. Every time we get together it's awesome, we just had a bump in the road, so it's maddening that he would throw all of the positive potential away, but I'm desperately trying to accept the inanity of that, that we won't the chance to experience great happiness and see the world together.

 

I spend time with him because it feels really good, and I haven't been able to recreate it elsewhere, though I have tried. But it's always so hard to say goodbye. I always have this feeling, like we belong together. I can't shake it. I can't help but believe that he's going to do his thing, but in the end, we'll end up together. But if that's true, why should I feel anxious? Why can't I just let go, be patient, and go with the flow? He did say that he won't let another woman tell me he can't talk to me.

 

I want so badly to just care less about outcome, and just be in the moment because every time we hang it's awesome independent of how it turns out later, and I want to not want more- to hold him and kiss him and be close to him NOW. I want to find that contentment to where if I'm totally wrong and we'll never be together, that I'm ok with that outcome.

Therapists haven't done jack. Dating has been a disaster. No one makes me feel the way he does. The connection was there from our first date, and honestly I just dread the 2nd and 3rd dates with these guys who make me feel nothing. There are things that, sexually, no other guy I know of will do that he will, that are important to me. And I don't hook up. I hang with friends but while I am, I'm wishing he was there to enjoy xyz (which always feels unfair to whoever I'm with at that time). I try to throw myself into projects I care about... and yet here I am, posting here.

 

I want so much to wake him up to the fact that I'm right for him, that I'll treat him wonderfully. I guess in my heart I know you can't do that- a lot of that is just fate deciding whether to step in or not, nothing that I can control. So my only other option is to figure out how to put a damper on my feelings for him, and accept that there will be other women and not be jealous, because we have something special that can't be recreated. I guess the hardest part is accepting that someone else gets to be physically close to him, and I do not. And that he's going to treat her better than he treated me, and get the things I wanted (it took him 4 months just to introduce me to his core group of friends because he felt so conflicted about us...and a few more months after that to make it an official relationship). It's going to be hard to see her have what I wanted, what I gave 100% for, and not take it personally, like there's something inherently defective about me that made me undeserving

 

When I look down the barrel at No Contact...well I did it, and honestly, it was awful. No matter who I introduce into my life, what I do with my life...our dynamic, our connection- nothing fulfills me the same and I just cry...so how can I just be patient, chill, ambivalent, emotionless, satisfied with the friendship I have? How do people DO this? If I could, it would be a win-win.

[Telemachus]

"I want so much to wake him up to the fact that I'm right for him...."

 

He may be just right for you, but that doesn't make you just right for him. Wanting a certain kind of relationship isn't enough. The other person has to want it to, and there's nothing you can do about another's feelings.

 

This is the way life is. Being attracted to someone doesn't make it mutual and reciprocal. He gets to choose also. You'll have to learn to live with that, just as the other guys who have dated you have to live with the fact that you feel nothing for them.

[spiderowl]

I know it is incredibly hard when you have strong feelings and the other person doesn't feel the same. If he felt the same, he would not be dating other people. I do understand what it feels like to want a particular person's company and to feel that no-one can substitute for them. I don't know what the solution is but no contact helps because you are not re-opening the same wound over and over.

 

He is treating you as a friend and dating others. That is the way he sees you. Please do not think you can change his mind. However inevitable it feels to you that he will come back, all the facts suggest otherwise. I think once you have really understood that, then a change in feelings will gradually follow.

 

Make an effort to avoid him and get to know others instead. Cry a lot, get it out of your system. He is not what you thought he was.

[todreaminblue]

get out there date others......find a person who wants to connect to you ...and feel that difference and the more you meet others or see another...the feelings will lessen if you live in the moment..wear a rubber band on your wrist or a hair tie and flick yourself hard everytime you think of him....break all contact...dont reply or send him messages and delete him from social media...make that your last step to a new life....leave him in your past....and move on..if you see him a lot consider finding ways to not see him around...physical distance often does nto make the heart grow fonder with some people...distance works to move on....deb

Edited March 4, 2017 by todreaminblue

[basil67]

OK, denial is one of the stages of grief and you're well and truly experiencing it. It's a tough place to be.

 

Unfortunately, part of the denial process is inherently self centred. While you may see his reasons for ending this as "stupid", the fact remains that he doesn't see them as stupid. He did what he needed to do. It's really important to learn to not dismiss his thought processes as stupid or rash.

 

To be honest, I see his reasons for leaving as sound ones. You don't mention your ages, but age gaps where the woman is significantly older can lead to huge issues when it comes to things like timing of having children. For instance, if you're still of child bearing age - he'd still be far too young to contemplate having children. Or if you're past that age and he doesn't want to rule out having children, it's still a wise decision on his part. These aren't issues which can be 'worked through'

 

You may not see your mental health issues as "not that serious" but he apparently does not agree with you. This is his prerogative.

 

I know he's saying that he will never let a girlfriend stand between the two of you, but in time he will meet a woman who he adores and who is rightfully wary of him staying in contact with a woman where unrequited love is present. Make no mistake, he will distance himself from you when the time comes. No woman with an ounce of self esteem will be OK with him having a close friendship with you.

 

If no men are measuring up to what you had with this guy, then it simply means you're not ready to date. And you won't be ready to date while he's in your life. This is why people end contact with exes.

 

I know it's hard, but you need to make the cut and move on.

[trainingground]

I only say the reasons are stupid because his friends and my friends said that. I told them the story verbatim when asked, and they were pretty disgusted.

 

I'm so afraid of ending up in a situation where I give up the happiness I feel around him, speaking to him, etc., and not finding it anywhere else...and just being miserable. Does this happen to anyone? Where they just don't find anyone else that does it for them, so they have to be alone? I'm just looking at worst case scenario. How do they cope in a society that pushes love SO HARD? I did find an article about people who never did, and they just seem so sad...but seemingly trying to hide that all the same, as the article wasn't anonymous. I want to be ok with the fact that no one may ever make me feel like that, and being alone. How does one get there? I'm crying just thinking about it and it's ridiculous. There are much worse fates.

 

I accept that it's possible that I'm wrong, and I'm all wrong for him, lacking the most important qualities he seeks, whatever those are. I want to be ok with that. A lot of people are telling me to cut contact, and date. And I did do that. And I was so miserable and dreaded the dates, because it was like, I'm doing the same thing over and over again, I'm dating, I'm going out, and I'm getting the same results. I'm getting a waste of time and money. Then when I saw him again, I was happy again. The lack of contact did nothing to squash romantic feelings. If those didn't exist, things would be great! I'd have a great friend in my life, and I could be satisfied with that. There must be some other thought process I can utilize. I thought about what I did in the past, and I realized that they all did something horrible and/or showed serious character flaws after the breakup, so it made it easy to stop feeling the feelings. This is unchartered territory because nothing really bad about him is cropping up...

[Jadedbyluv]

I only say the reasons are stupid because his friends and my friends said that. I told them the story verbatim when asked, and they were pretty disgusted.

 

I'm so afraid of ending up in a situation where I give up the happiness I feel around him, speaking to him, etc., and not finding it anywhere else...and just being miserable. Does this happen to anyone? Where they just don't find anyone else that does it for them, so they have to be alone? I'm just looking at worst case scenario. How do they cope in a society that pushes love SO HARD? I did find an article about people who never did, and they just seem so sad...but seemingly trying to hide that all the same, as the article wasn't anonymous. I want to be ok with the fact that no one may ever make me feel like that, and being alone. How does one get there? I'm crying just thinking about it and it's ridiculous. There are much worse fates.

 

I accept that it's possible that I'm wrong, and I'm all wrong for him, lacking the most important qualities he seeks, whatever those are. I want to be ok with that. A lot of people are telling me to cut contact, and date. And I did do that. And I was so miserable and dreaded the dates, because it was like, I'm doing the same thing over and over again, I'm dating, I'm going out, and I'm getting the same results. I'm getting a waste of time and money. Then when I saw him again, I was happy again. The lack of contact did nothing to squash romantic feelings. If those didn't exist, things would be great! I'd have a great friend in my life, and I could be satisfied with that. There must be some other thought process I can utilize. I thought about what I did in the past, and I realized that they all did something horrible and/or showed serious character flaws after the breakup, so it made it easy to stop feeling the feelings. This is unchartered territory because nothing really bad about him is cropping up...

 

I am in a very similar boat as you. Many of the relationships I have had previously were unhealthy and weren't good for me. This last one, there wasn't anything wrong and there still isn't anything wrong (besides his inability to commit). I want to hate him. I want to be angry. But nothing. As happened to truly end our relationship.

 

I, like you, want to remain friends with my ex. We have a great friendship, and I don't want to lose that. However, someone on here said do I really want a front row seat to his next relationship. And the answer is no. Right now, it is too painful.

 

I think down the road him and I can be friends. But realize I have to focus on myself for awhile and limit the contact between us. It is not helping me heal with the end of the relationship. In some way, I'm still holding on to hope and remaining in contact isn't helping.

 

It's not going to be easy. You don't necessarily have to date but focus on yourself.

[trainingground]

I am in a very similar boat as you. Many of the relationships I have had previously were unhealthy and weren't good for me. This last one, there wasn't anything wrong and there still isn't anything wrong (besides his inability to commit). I want to hate him. I want to be angry. But nothing. As happened to truly end our relationship.

 

I, like you, want to remain friends with my ex. We have a great friendship, and I don't want to lose that. However, someone on here said do I really want a front row seat to his next relationship. And the answer is no. Right now, it is too painful.

 

I think down the road him and I can be friends. But realize I have to focus on myself for awhile and limit the contact between us. It is not helping me heal with the end of the relationship. In some way, I'm still holding on to hope and remaining in contact isn't helping.

 

It's not going to be easy. You don't necessarily have to date but focus on yourself.

 

So do you think there is really no way that you can handle being in that front row seat to the next relationship without dealing with the unhappiness of limiting contact? Like, no mental trick to get your brain to switch to a place where you can say, hey, I love this person, and so I want them to be happy, and so if this other person makes him happy, then I'm happy about that relationship he's in? Because that to me makes sense. If I can be the one to make him happy, that's ideal, but ultimately, I'd rather have him happy with someone else, if he really believes he'd be truly unhappy with me. It almost feels selfish to feel differently, and that's what I'm trying to do, put my own desires aside.

[basil67]

But will you still be really happy when you see him if you know he's head over heels for a new girl?

 

I disagree with the advice to start dating again. I don't think you're ready - and frankly, it's unfair on those you date to be using them as a band aid to help heal your wounds. (that's a criticism of the advice you're getting - not of you).

 

You say that NC didn't work. How long did you go NC for? There's one guy in my past where it took a year or two of having him out of my life for me to have peace with the past.

 

I think one of the problems with dating these days is that people never give themselves time to just be single. It seems like people are "need to find myself a partner - will look online and see what's available". I'm old, so back when I was dating, a relationship would end and we'd do our healing during the time when there was nobody else on the horizon. Sometimes a new person would come along quickly and other times it may take a year or more. But there wasn't this mad rush to be out dating random strangers.

 

Assuming you're not trying to find a partner before your fertility clock hits 11pm, is there any rush?

[basil67]

So do you think there is really no way that you can handle being in that front row seat to the next relationship without dealing with the unhappiness of limiting contact? Like, no mental trick to get your brain to switch to a place where you can say, hey, I love this person, and so I want them to be happy, and so if this other person makes him happy, then I'm happy about that relationship he's in? Because that to me makes sense. If I can be the one to make him happy, that's ideal, but ultimately, I'd rather have him happy with someone else, if he really believes he'd be truly unhappy with me. It almost feels selfish to feel differently, and that's what I'm trying to do, put my own desires aside.

 

I can see what you're aiming for and it's good that you have his best interests at heart.

 

But put yourself in the shoes of his future girlfriends for a minute. How would you feel if your boyfriend had an ex hanging around who wanted to be really good friends with him? Someone who would take him back if he changed his mind?

 

Would you not be wary of this woman? Can you imagine that it could create problems in your relationship?

[trainingground]

But will you still be really happy when you see him if you know he's head over heels for a new girl?

 

Assuming you're not trying to find a partner before your fertility clock hits 11pm, is there any rush?

 

I'd like to be happy for him. I really would. I'm trying to figure out how to get there. The 6 weeks or so of NC was awful. Worse than it is now, being in contact, and wanting him. A year or two, I can't imagine. He's so important to me. So I'd really like to figure out how to accept that new person in his life, if that's what brings him joy.

 

The second part, that's a tough one. My personal view is that that is a bad reason to try to find a partner. I think it clouds judgement. Being someone who would like a kid, but does NOT want to do it alone, that makes "not rushing" tough. But ideally, along with the possibility of being alone for life, I'd also like to accept the possibility of being childless for life as well. It's the same principle for me, trying to find the silver lining in these scenarios that my society deems...less than ideal. I feel like if I can accept all outcomes, I can make better choices, instead of ones made out of desperate emotions. That has never lead to anything good to me.

 

To me, cutting off contact with him is a choice made out of desperate emotions. I'd like to be able to regulate those emotions in such a way where I don't need to cut him out of my life. That I can accept the clear good he brings in my life, even IF there is another woman.

 

But so far no one really has any suggestions on that. So maybe it's not even possible. Most I know are in fact pretty surprised that I still talk to him...I always hear, "That's more than I could ever do".