LMSW Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Hello everyone, my husband and I have been married for nearly 2 years, but have been together for 10 years. My question is about being supportive in regards to work. (Sorry in advance for the long winded post..) We both work full time, I have been with the same job for nearly 4 years, but my husband loses his job every year or two for any number of reasons. This happened again a few weeks ago. He always gets a new job quickly, but we were speaking during the day and he mentioned he was having a rough second day at his new job and was saying how he didn't think he could do it. I told him to ask questions and not to worry that it was probably a one-off situation. Later on it was really bothering me and worrying me that he might be considering leaving this job. When I got home, he approached me and I asked him not to tell me if he was looking for work again because it put a lot of pressure on me and I couldn't handle him looking for another job (obviously, not my finest moment). Now, we had a discussion this morning about work and how the other night he thought I wasn't supportive. But, he mentioned that I am normally not supportive, and if he has a rough day he mentions that I "freak out and don't want to talk about it." I understand and somewhat agree as I am a neurotic individual and tend to have that reaction. To be completely honest, I had no idea that I wasn't supportive, and when he brought this to my attention I started thinking about what being supportive meant, and realized that maybe I don't know what it means. When I asked hubby what being supportive meant for him, he mentioned a couple of moments but couldn't put it into words either so now we're both kind of confused and haven't really addressed the situation. What I'm looking for is maybe some guidance on what being supportive means to you? Link to post Share on other sites
HanGoesSolo Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Hello everyone, my husband and I have been married for nearly 2 years, but have been together for 10 years. My question is about being supportive in regards to work. (Sorry in advance for the long winded post..) We both work full time, I have been with the same job for nearly 4 years, but my husband loses his job every year or two for any number of reasons. This happened again a few weeks ago. He always gets a new job quickly, but we were speaking during the day and he mentioned he was having a rough second day at his new job and was saying how he didn't think he could do it. I told him to ask questions and not to worry that it was probably a one-off situation. Later on it was really bothering me and worrying me that he might be considering leaving this job. When I got home, he approached me and I asked him not to tell me if he was looking for work again because it put a lot of pressure on me and I couldn't handle him looking for another job (obviously, not my finest moment). Now, we had a discussion this morning about work and how the other night he thought I wasn't supportive. But, he mentioned that I am normally not supportive, and if he has a rough day he mentions that I "freak out and don't want to talk about it." I understand and somewhat agree as I am a neurotic individual and tend to have that reaction. To be completely honest, I had no idea that I wasn't supportive, and when he brought this to my attention I started thinking about what being supportive meant, and realized that maybe I don't know what it means. When I asked hubby what being supportive meant for him, he mentioned a couple of moments but couldn't put it into words either so now we're both kind of confused and haven't really addressed the situation. What I'm looking for is maybe some guidance on what being supportive means to you? Depends on the person. A good manager would know that employee A needs tough love and employee B needs encouragement and employee C needs talking up and praise and employee D needs to be left alone to reach their potential. Your husband needs to be able to clarify the type of support he needs verbally. I'm the type that I want to be left alone to work things out for myself. I don't like help, I don't respond well to it. In fact I tend to take it as a sign that you know better then me so perhaps you should just take up the mantle instead. I need praise, that is all. Tell me when I did a good job, that's is all. All you need to do is recognize I'm trying my best and to tell me every once in a while that my efforts are appreciated. That is just me. I know guys that need to be pushed. "You're not better then that guy, no way" can push a lot of people to prove you wrong. You say that to me (I battle with low self esteem and self worth) then I believe you and the results are I don't try because I'll never be as good as the next man. Where as you say "im glad you are here, you make things easier for everyone" is all I need to motivate me. I want to be enough. I don't have to be the best, see I don't believe I can ever be the best at anything. So comparing me to someone doesn't work. I just need to know my contributions are appreciated. So your husband fits into a category of sorts. You need to find out which one he is in and find the motivation that works best for him. Encouragement, motivation, support, things like that aren't universal. Everyone will have their own idea of what it looks like for them. Keep talking with him. Find the support he needs and use it. What support looks like for you doesn't mean the same for him and that is fine. Keep looking. If he is like me he won't have words for it either sorry to say. Men like me, well we need to just know you noticed. If I have to tell you to notice something, then I'm not doing enough. I'm not enough of a man. If I'm worried about you thinking bad about me, I might give up because I don't think that much of myself either, so how could I expect someone else to think highly of me? Does he have low self esteem issues or low self worth issues? If yes, this can be a tricky thing to navigate and a cause for other issues in your relationship to come up from time to time. Doesn't make him a bad partner, it just means you will have different issues to face then with a couple who have no self esteem and self worth issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LMSW Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 Thanks for the reply, it's nice to hear another perspective. He's gained a bit of weight recently and basically every day he points it out and every day I say he isn't fat, that he is crazy for thinking it, and that I love him very much. It also took a bit longer for him to find a job this time and he's reaching a bit of a crossroad, where he knows that he can't keep going with jobs as he keeps getting let go. In that respect I think since February he's had this bummed out mindset that he can't shake off. Aside from this lately, he doesn't have low self esteem. He normally has really high self worth, so you're more than likely right in that respect as well. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 You freaking out and/disappearing when he wants to talk about problems at work is definitely not supportive. And if you expect him to listen to your work problems then it's insanely selfish too. If you don't want to be there for him why would he want to be there for you? This reaction of yours needs fixed. Why is your negative emotional reaction priority over showing him love? I don't know about him but most guys don't show a lot of weakness. I know I don't. There are only a handful of times. Being sick, grieving, etc. If I'm with someone who can't show me love or support or caring the few times when I'm weak then I am definitely second guessing if she is really the love of my life. How could she be? As far as his changing jobs every two years or so? Yeah that sounds scary. Out of your control though. Why worry about things that you can't control? It's probably even scarier for him. It hasn't escaped his notice and he's probably wondering if something is wrong with him. Maybe something is. I get an itch to move up or around every three years. It comes out like a mantra... repeatedly thinking 'okay time for a change. ' I thought everyone did? maybe he has something like that at two years ? Idk. Maybe he's full of hot air and his bosses take 2 years to catch on? Maybe he is afraid of spending his whole life doing work he doesn't want to be doing when he has a dream job? It's impossible for us to know. He'd probably need to come on here and post himself for us to get to the bottom of that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LMSW Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Yes of course. Like I mentioned before, not my finest moment. Thanks for your perspective, it's good to have a reality check. Link to post Share on other sites
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