I thought he was divorced UPDATE: Didn't go to their SM page today!

[Lovetoo]

I met him in 2015. He was divorced, older, accomplished. I was younger, single, still figuring it out. We had a crazy connection from the beginning. I was infatuated with him. He seemed to be taken by me as well. Over time he began to become more distant. I saw a post of him and his ex wife on fb. I realized he was trying to make it work and that was why he was distant. They have two small children. I understood and I agree young children need their parents. Occassionally, we'd end up back in each other's presence and I'd always allow him to have sex with me. I feel I love him. We'd have sex in the parking lot of his job. We never use protection and he's cum in me more than once. Each time we'd start back I'd be unsure of his status with her.

 

Every time we stop talking, I end up getting back in touch with him. Sometimes I'd go a month, at the most two. About five months ago, after he was afraid he'd gotten me pregnant, we met for dinner and he told me we had to stop seeing each other. He said, if things didn't work out with her and I was still available he'd call. He needs to be there for his boys. I tell him I love him and he tells me he loves me. Months later, I end up contacting him again. It's been really hard not to. We meet and he attempts to have sex again. This time I try to hold him off. After this encounter, he tells me he wasn't divorced. They'd filed two years ago but never actually got the divorce. Sometimes it seems they fall out a lot according to social media. Anyway, he tells me it's hard for him to talk to me without wanting to be with me, without wanting to talk to me and have sex with me. He says he needs space so he can sober up. He also says he doesn't want to block or unfriend on fb. I told him it's hard for me to remain connected to him and NEVER talk to him again. I can't just forget about him.

 

I honestly do want the best for him, but it's hard not to wonder if they'll work out. They've tried several times. I've even tried praying that they do. He's very successful and so is she. And though I don't know her, I like her a lot. We seem to have a lot in common. I'm a teacher. They both have more prestigious jobs than I do, though I do enjoy what I do.

 

How do I stop thinking about him? How do I stop checking on them via SM? Sometimes I want to believe he does care about me though his actions do not show that he does. He SAYS he wants to be friends, he's just not able to right now. He can't handle it. I guess I'm afraid of letting him go completely and would rather have him as a friend rather than a stranger. This sounds so pathetic. It's been almost two years now.

Edited March 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and merged 2 threads ~6

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm just going to offer you a hug at this point. You're in a tough spot. Probably best to stick to NC and do whatever you must to maintain it (IC, support groups, etc). Best wishes!

[Nightstick008]

Hello darling. I'm sorry your going through this. I too recently had a woman ditch me because I'm going through a divorce and have my issues that need to be addressed.

 

I know the pain first hand. She offered to stay friends. I paniced and requested no contact because I figured it would be the only way I could get over her. Problem was I don't want to be over her. I fell in love with her.

 

I'm a decent person. I work hard and have a nice life. I have plenty to offer. No one is perfect.

 

I guess you need to figure out exactly what you want long term. Look at what this man can offer you. If it's not what you want or need then maybe you should move on.

 

Good luck and I will pray for you.

[BaileyB]

Hugs to you.

 

But now, the hard truth. This man is not available to you and you need to move on with your life. You won't be able to stay friends, so you need to go NC.

 

And if you continue to see him, you will never get what you deserve in life. It's unlikely that he will ever leave his family. Even if he did, the chances of a relationship working with an affair partner are small. And, if you continue to be his "woman on the side," you will be signing up for a lifetime of pain and frustration... You will be wasting the best years of your life - a time when you could find love with a man who is available to you and can give you the family and the future that you deserve.

 

Do what you need to do to find the strength to walk away and focus on building a different future. This man is not your future.

[aileD]

YOu have to stop thinking of him as a good person and start seeing him for what he is:

 

-a married man who is trying to save his marriage but still cheats on his wife

-an alcoholic. Addictive personality. You're just another one of his addictions

-someone who tries to have sex with you every time you're together. Aren't you worth more than that?

-a Man who doesn't care enough to wear protection when he cheats on his wife. This means he doesn't care if he gets you pregnant which would hurt you but also be a major detestation to his wife and even worse trauma for his children

-someone who probably has more than one mistress.

-someone who when he does get sober is going to see you as a huge mistake.

 

 

Get an STD test. Stop stalking him on SM. Break your addiction

 

This man will ruin you. Fight for yourself honey.

[Sampson]

Please Lovetoo read these books.

 

Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass

http://a.co/hkgCJcX

 

This book has a lot of information not just for the married couple but also some for a OW. It will also give you insight into your MM issues and more perspective. I can't stress take the time and read the Not Just Friends book.

 

You should also consider reading some of Rene Brown's books.

 

The Gifts of Imperfections by Rene Brown

http://a.co/hteNNMF

 

Only wish the best,

A betrayed husband

[Lovetoo]

I'm just going to offer you a hug at this point. You're in a tough spot. Probably best to stick to NC and do whatever you must to maintain it (IC, support groups, etc). Best wishes!

 

Thanks for your reply! What is IC? No contact has been very difficult. I'll go a good while then I'll start itching to speak to him. To see if he still cares. To see if he's upset with me. To see how he is doing in general.

[Lovetoo]

I know the pain first hand. She offered to stay friends. I paniced and requested no contact because I figured it would be the only way I could get over her. Problem was I don't want to be over her. I fell in love with her.

 

I'm a decent person. I work hard and have a nice life. I have plenty to offer. No one is perfect.

 

I guess you need to figure out exactly what you want long term. Look at what this man can offer you. If it's not what you want or need then maybe you should move on.

 

Good luck and I will pray for you.

 

I'm sorry you're going through a tough situation as well. These things are hard. He difference is you decided to not communicate with her. Though he has said he doesn't desire to unfriend on Facebook and he does want to be friends some day, he can't handle it now, meaning I can't contact him even if I want to. Which I know I shouldn't want to anyway.

 

I know at this time he can't offer me anything but minimal conversation and sex. I've never wanted to be someone's other woman. But I guess sometimes when I'm caught in how I feel, I'd accept the little he offers just because I want to keep him a part of my life. I believe I have attachment issues. Abandonment issues.

I pray that all works well for you. That you end greater than you started. That you'll find an amazing connection to God, yourself, your purpose and a love like you've never experienced.

[Lovetoo]

Hugs to you.

 

But now, the hard truth. This man is not available to you and you need to move on with your life. You won't be able to stay friends, so you need to go NC.

 

And if you continue to see him, you will never get what you deserve in life. It's unlikely that he will ever leave his family. Even if he did, the chances of a relationship working with an affair partner are small. And, if you continue to be his "woman on the side," you will be signing up for a lifetime of pain and frustration... You will be wasting the best years of your life - a time when you could find love with a man who is available to you and can give you the family and the future that you deserve.

 

Do what you need to do to find the strength to walk away and focus on building a different future. This man is not your future.

 

 

Thank you for your warm hugs! It's appreciated and necessary.

 

Thank you for you honesty, it's both appreciated and necessary. I do need to move on. This has hindered me far too long.

 

She filed for divorce from him over 2 years ago. They fall in and out obviously a lot. She doesn't wear his ring. They've been living desperately over two years and still are. I know this is crazy and I shouldn't even care but do you really think they'll work? And I see what you mean, if they do, it may be hard to be with someone you could possibly blame for your divorce. Though I thought they were already divorced the entire time we were interacting. I am a very caring, intelligent and beautiful young woman and yet I'm still single. I rarely meet ppl.

[FoundMyStrength]

Anyway, he tells me it's hard for him to talk to me without wanting to be with me, without wanting to talk to me and have sex with me. He says he needs space so he can sober up. He also says he doesn't want to block or unfriend on fb. I told him it's hard for me to remain connected to him and NEVER talk to him again. I can't just forget about him....He SAYS he wants to be friends, he's just not able to right now. He can't handle it.

 

The only thing to do right now is to go NC. If you're finding it hard to stay off his social media (and most of us fOWs have been there, trust me), block him. You're not doing this to hurt him, you're doing it to help yourself heal. You can't heal if you're checking his page or his wife's page, if you're monitoring them for any signs of marital discord or happiness. You need to get away from him for a good long while, physically AND mentally.

 

As for the "can't talk without wanting to be with me" business, please don't mistake that for signs of love or caring. What he is saying is that he wants to stay in his marriage, and you are a TEMPTATION. You are an indulgence that he can't afford to have right now. What he wants space for is to detox you from his system, to forget you and stay with his wife.

 

And this friends thing, this no blocking thing? He wants to make sure that if gets horny and bored enough, if he actually wants to give in to the temptation someday, you're easily accessible and still infatuated.

[Lovetoo]

YOu have to stop thinking of him as a good person and start seeing him for what he is:

 

-a married man who is trying to save his marriage but still cheats on his wife

-an alcoholic. Addictive personality. You're just another one of his addictions

-someone who tries to have sex with you every time you're together. Aren't you worth more than that?

-a Man who doesn't care enough to wear protection when he cheats on his wife. This means he doesn't care if he gets you pregnant which would hurt you but also be a major detestation to his wife and even worse trauma for his children

-someone who probably has more than one mistress.

-someone who when he does get sober is going to see you as a huge mistake.

 

 

Get an STD test. Stop stalking him on SM. Break your addiction

 

This man will ruin you. Fight for yourself honey.

 

You are extremely correct. I do think of him as a good person. Though he's not shown a lot of that. Probably more selfish than caring and compassionate.

You are right he def was an alcoholic and he does smoke as well. But how could I be an addiction if he only sees me ever so often.

I agree, I deserve a man who likes being in my presence without attempting to have sex. Sometimes I wonder, if I didn't have a vagina, would he talk to me. He claims he really enjoys my company. I'm easy to talk to. I'm light, fun, goofy. I'm positive. He says if it doesn't work with her and I'm single he would like to be with me.

 

You really think he wouldn't care if he got me pregnant? And think he views me as a mistake? Even though, I've done nothing but give to him. I'm so nurturing and caring? That would hurt.

[Lovetoo]

Please Lovetoo read these books.

 

Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass

http://a.co/hkgCJcX

 

This book has a lot of information not just for the married couple but also some for a OW. It will also give you insight into your MM issues and more perspective. I can't stress take the time and read the Not Just Friends book.

 

You should also consider reading some of Rene Brown's books.

 

The Gifts of Imperfections by Rene Brown

http://a.co/hteNNMF

 

Only wish the best,

A betrayed husband

 

Hey! Thanks for the suggestions, I'll definitely read them. There's another book called facing love addiction. I read it briefly while in the store and want to read it soon.

 

I'm sorry you were betrayed. I feel like, when I love a man all I want is to be his muse, help with his happiness, encourage and support him. Build him

Up. Help him expand and grow in every way I can.

[Lovetoo]

BaileyB he said if things don't work with her, he want to be with me if I was still available, you think he lied? If so why? What would he gain?

[stillafool]

You will just go round and round on this merry-go-round until you jump off. He isn't going to leave his wife even if he didn't have kids. They rarely do. Please take it upon yourself to use protection when you have sex with him. It is your body you are trying to protect. Don't leave that responsibility to him.

[BaileyB]

 

She filed for divorce from him over 2 years ago. They fall in and out obviously a lot. She doesn't wear his ring. They've been living desperately over two years and still are. I know this is crazy and I shouldn't even care but do you really think they'll work?

 

I am a very caring, intelligent and beautiful young woman and yet I'm still single.

 

So, I'll ask you this... If they did divorce, would you really want to be in a relationship with a man who has cheated on his wife? Remember, this is a man who has lied and has not respected the commitment he has made to his wife and family. Do YOU think you should trust this man?

 

I think it's important to remember, as AileD said... This is a man who has lied and cheated on his wife. He has not cared enough to protect her (or you) from STDs and/or unplanned pregnancy. And, he wants sex from you every time he sees you... with little or no regard to your physical, mental, or emotional health.

 

This is not a good man. I don't know you, but I think you deserve more.

 

Do you think that you deserve more?

 

 

I will tell you, I was single for a long time. I watched my friends get married and have babies for years while I stayed single, dating and trying to find the person who was right for me. I started to wonder why I was still single, considering that I was a caring, intelligent, and beautiful young woman. My friends and family wondered the same thing. I started to feel like finding love was never meant to happen for me... And then I met, the kindest, smartest, most wonderful man last year. And I now know without a doubt, there was nothing wrong with me - and I was right to wait for the right person to come into my life.

 

But, the thing is, the right person will not find you if you are in a relationship with an unavailable married man. I would suggest that you focus on finding someone who is available and wants to give you the love and the life that you want and deserve. It will happen for you, and when it does, you will see how wonderful it is... so much more wonderful than anything you will ever get if you stay in a relationship with this unfaithful, married man.

 

Best wishes sweet girl, and remember - it is out there for you, if you have the courage to let this man go and create the life that you want, and deserve.

Edited March 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[Lovetoo]

FOUNDMYSTRENGTH, I believe you are absolutely right about everything. She just had a birthday. I checked to see if he posted anything about her. He didn't. Neither does she about him. His pictures are with his kids alone. She removed her ring from her emojis on her page. That's a lot huh, I'm ashamed. I've paid attention.

 

I think you're interpretation of his words are correct as well.

 

I deactivated my page. I realize I've given a lot of info about my situation, hopefully neither or she comes to this site. I like her a lot! Would actually want to be her friend if there were different circumstances. I'm afraid to block him because I think I'd look ever more desperate if I ended up trying to add him back. That would be horrible. So I just deactivated. Wyt? And he really does check my social media too because he always alludes to something I've posted without actually saying etc. he rarely ever likes posts though.

I don't want him to think he can have me whoever he's bored.

[Lovetoo]

Stillafool, you're right. I must get off. This isn't Gods will for my life. The energy I spend on him is canceling a beautifully bright future.

 

I would have gladly carried his child. not that I would've tried to but if it happened, at one point I thought it would be nice. Again, don't want to reap any one. Was just crazy in love.

 

She filed from him. You don't think divorce was possible?

[BaileyB]

BaileyB he said if things don't work with her, he want to be with me if I was still available, you think he lied? If so why? What would he gain?

 

"If things didn't work out with her?"

 

Why would you want to wait around for a man to decide if he does, or does not, want to be with another woman? And, if he did ever leave his wife, why would you want to be with a man who has lied and cheated on his wife? Would you be concerned, if you were to be in a relationship and/or marry this man, that he would do the same to you? Because, you should be...

 

Yes, I'm sorry to say that I think he is lying... he may think that he wants to be with you, but the truth is that he is hoping to keep you on the hook while he decides what to do with his wife.

 

Or, he is like most married men who will tell you anything you want to hear to keep the sex going while they have absolutely no intention of leaving their wives (because leaving his wife would mean losing the comfort and stability of marriage, having to share custody of his children, and suffering a serious financial loss - something most cheating men are not willing to do).

 

I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him. What would he gain, beside the sex you provide? Well, it's much easier to you on the hook than to find and develop another relationship, or another affair. He can say a few nice words, you will believe him, and the good times continue for a little bit longer...

 

But, if you do decide to stay with him... Definitely don't leave the responsibility of protection to him. It is your body, it is your responsibility to be safe. Please hear that advice and take more control of your safety.

[BaileyB]

The energy I spend on him is canceling a beautifully bright future.

 

Without a doubt.

 

But be aware, you say that you want more from your life, but then you post that you don't want to block him, that you would have gladly carried his child, and you have repeatedly asked if he was to divorce his wife, if there may be a future for you.

 

The thing is, if you are serious about moving on then it shouldn't really matter to you if his wife is in the pictures, if she wears her rings, or who filed for divorce. Their marriage shouldn't concern you...

 

If he really wanted to be with you, he would have left her a long time ago... Something keeps him there, even in a potentially bad marriage...

Edited March 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

What on earth happened in your life that you would allow a married man to have bareback sex with you in the parking lot of HIS work and then call it love...?

[Lovetoo]

BaileyB, true. True. True. Is the financial loss really that serious? I guess I don't really understand. But if I had to think of losing half of everything, it doesn't matter to me because I don't have much. Lol :-/ but if I had a lot, it probably would hurt real bad.

 

Ok. I hear you. I feel you. I'll continue to pray. Give God all my concerns and move forward. The thing is in the past I've said I'd never contact him again, but I end up doing it. I just don't want that to happen again. You feel me? That I be extremely strong for a good minute, then out of the blue, I fall.

[Lovetoo]

Elaine I didn't know he was married. Thanks.

 

Kinda seems like you were trying to be mean.

[BaileyB]

BaileyB, true. True. True. Is the financial loss really that serious? I guess I don't really understand. But if I had to think of losing half of everything, it doesn't matter to me because I don't have much. Lol :-/ but if I had a lot, it probably would hurt real bad.

 

Ok. I hear you. I feel you. I'll continue to pray. Give God all my concerns and move forward. The thing is in the past I've said I'd never contact him again, but I end up doing it. I just don't want that to happen again. You feel me? That I be extremely strong for a good minute, then out of the blue, I fall.

 

Yes, he would potentially have buy her out of the house, give her half of their marital assets, half of their retirement funds, pay child support and possibly spousal support... It is a significant financial loss for a man to leave a marriage. Which is why many men do not take this decision lightly.

 

Please, seek counselling. It will really help you, to learn more about yourself and what you want from a healthy relationship. And, your counsellor can offer support as you end your affair.

[elaine567]

Elaine I didn't know he was married. Thanks.

I am not trying to be mean, just saying you must be in a pretty vulnerable place to accept such treatment from any man, married or not.

[Lovetoo]

They already live separate BaileyB but enough of him. I do need counseling. I do A LOT of self reflection. Internal thinking etc. I read a lot about women who fall in love with emotionally unavailable men. I know my father wasn't there for me and I know I had a lot of issues as a result of having a father who was never there. No excuse. Knowing this means I'm empowered to change what was once a result of unconscious thoughts/beliefs. Someone told me insurance would help with counseling, do you know if hats true? I'd be happy to have some help recovering from issues I've had forever. I always fall for men that I have to prove my love to. Or I feel like I have to work to show them I'm worth them and their time and their love. I've often wanted to be low maintenance so that it would trouble them too much to love me. That they'll only see how they win from being with me because I guess I must have felt somewhere that I alone wasn't worth the "love" of my father. I thought at one time he love of a man would complete me, because growing up that's really all I missed. I'm now getting to know God as my father. Sometimes it's hard, because I can't see him and sometimes I get a little confused on what He is saying to me. Like was that the Holy Spirit or me thinking that thought??? Lol silly.