I thought he was divorced UPDATE: Didn't go to their SM page today!

[Lovetoo]

And if I'd known he was married, I would've looked the opposite direction.

[BaileyB]

Lovetoo, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties with your dad. Every girl deserves to have a loving and supportive father, to teach them what they should expect from a man and show them how to have a healthy relationship. I'm sorry that didn't happen for you.

 

But, you are a smart girl. You are very insightful and you will find a way to move past your difficulties. Insurance should cover counselling, but it depends I would think on where you live and what kind of insurance you have. Call them and see what they can do. You will find a way to make it happen, I'm sure. And know, seeking counselling does not mean that you are weak and there is no shame in seeing a counsellor... In fact it is a sign of strength and it could be the best decision you make (aside from letting go of this married man;)). If it starts you on your way to happy and healthier life, then it is simply the best thing you can do for yourself... Good luck!

[FoundMyStrength]

They already live separate BaileyB but enough of him. I do need counseling. I do A LOT of self reflection. Internal thinking etc. I read a lot about women who fall in love with emotionally unavailable men. I know my father wasn't there for me and I know I had a lot of issues as a result of having a father who was never there. No excuse. Knowing this means I'm empowered to change what was once a result of unconscious thoughts/beliefs. Someone told me insurance would help with counseling, do you know if hats true? I'd be happy to have some help recovering from issues I've had forever. I always fall for men that I have to prove my love to. Or I feel like I have to work to show them I'm worth them and their time and their love. I've often wanted to be low maintenance so that it would trouble them too much to love me. That they'll only see how they win from being with me because I guess I must have felt somewhere that I alone wasn't worth the "love" of my father. I thought at one time he love of a man would complete me, because growing up that's really all I missed. I'm now getting to know God as my father. Sometimes it's hard, because I can't see him and sometimes I get a little confused on what He is saying to me. Like was that the Holy Spirit or me thinking that thought??? Lol silly.

 

Lovetoo -- I also have issues with a father who wasn't there in my childhood. In addition to what you've described, I think it also made me really susceptible to the push/pull of the affair. Every time he pulled away (due to guilt, etc.), it felt like losing him, which meant I had to try even harder to "prove my love" and make myself available to him. And when he would come back, wow, didn't I feel so special. So loved.

 

If there's any good to come out of this, it's my awareness that -- despite having thought I was over my "daddy issues" -- I will always be susceptible to a man who sorta, kinda, maybe wants me. But maybe not. Depends on the day.

[Lovetoo]

FOUNDMYSTRENGTH

 

I totally agree! I was just saying this to my friend. I've known I've had daddy issues since I was like 20/21. I feel like by now, I should be able to not allow those issues to continue to affect me. I was wrong. Maybe it is a wiring or deep rooted thing that needs to be rectified. I feel you completely!!! Every man I've loved has been a few steps ahead of me. It feels like losing him. NC feels like abandonment. Like you've shared something sooooo intimate with someone and they abandoned you, rejected you i.e. Told you it wasn't good enough for them. So all of you isn't enough for them. Not that any of that is true, but that's how it feels.

You do feel special because they've "come back" there's something about you that pulls them back. I really hope sex isn't the thing that keeps him coming back. Honestly, because he is so successful, there was a time when I wondered if I actually had something to offer him. Other than my kind heart, my positive/encouraging spirit and my body. I know differently now. I know now that no matter how successful a man is, they'd be tremendously blessed to have me. I'm a good woman and always work to be better which means I'll only get better and better. But at a time I did wonder.

[aileD]

You really think he wouldn't care if he got me pregnant? And think he views me as a mistake? Even though, I've done nothing but give to him. I'm so nurturing and caring? That would hurt.

.

 

What I was trying to say is that it's more important for him to have ultimate pleasure (no condom) than it is to be worried about if you're going to get pregnant in the moment (SELFISH).

 

Of course if he did get you pregnant he WOULD care. Except now he won't be able to keep you a secret. Your child support will take money ways from his other kids and wife. And time. Thst is if he doesn't beg you into agreeing to an abortion.

 

You ARE nurturing and caring . And he's taking advantage of it. Don't change that about you, but change who you choose to nurture.

 

He's using you. And you're letting him sonhe will continue to do so until you become an inconvenience.

[Lovetoo]

Thank you AlieD

[Confused48]

They fall in and out obviously a lot. She doesn't wear his ring. They've been living desperately over two years and still are.

 

If you read the infidelity side you will see a lot of posts from people who didn't know their partner was cheating but when they later discovered it, they could tie that time line to their partner becoming distant, angry, blaming, abusive, etc. Being in and out of affairs could be the source of their marital strife, whether or not the BS knows about the affairs.

 

If you want to forget about this guy, find an available single guy. If you have trouble meeting them, post your profile on a dating site. Be choosy this time. Be careful and don't fall for the first guy with a few good lines. Once you are with a single guy you will look back on this time and wonder what the heck you were thinking.

[Confused48]

I am not trying to be mean, just saying you must be in a pretty vulnerable place to accept such treatment from any man, married or not.

 

I do think this is a little harsh. I mean if you believe her that she didn't know he was married.

 

Sex in strange places can be fun and thrilling. I did that while married with my marriage partner a lot. Its not demeaning unless the reason you are doing it there is bc you can't or won't do it in a bed with the other person bc it is the easiest thing or you think they are not worth it.

 

So in the case of the OP, if she had no idea he would not take her home, then it could be just a fun thing. We don't know if she was debasing herself by doing it there. Not for sure.

 

Ok, well now that I've written this all out I realize she probably was debasing herself and knew it. lol

[stillafool]

 

I'm afraid to block him because I think I'd look ever more desperate if I ended up trying to add him back. That would be horrible. So I just deactivated. Wyt? And he really does check my social media too because he always alludes to something I've posted without actually saying etc. he rarely ever likes posts though.

I don't want him to think he can have me whoever he's bored.

 

You are still worrying about what he will think and do. You are supposed to go NC and break it off. It doesn't matter what he thinks if you block him or if he checks your social media. If you are serious about putting this affair behind you you have got to walk away from it all or you are fooling yourself and still holding on to hope.

 

Stillafool, you're right. I must get off. This isn't Gods will for my life. The energy I spend on him is canceling a beautifully bright future.

 

I would have gladly carried his child. ������ not that I would've tried to but if it happened, at one point I thought it would be nice. Again, don't want to reap any one. Was just crazy in love.

 

She filed from him. You don't think divorce was possible?

 

When you decide to carry a man's child do so in a committed relationship such as marriage. It is important that the father of your child wants you first and then the child. This is for the safety of your child. This man already has a family with his wife.

[BaileyB]

I do think this is a little harsh. I mean if you believe her that she didn't know he was married.

 

Sex in strange places can be fun and thrilling. I did that while married with my marriage partner a lot. Its not demeaning unless the reason you are doing it there is bc you can't or won't do it in a bed with the other person bc it is the easiest thing or you think they are not worth it.

 

So in the case of the OP, if she had no idea he would not take her home, then it could be just a fun thing. We don't know if she was debasing herself by doing it there. Not for sure.

 

Ok, well now that I've written this all out I realize she probably was debasing herself and knew it. lol

 

We don't know if she knew he was married when this happened... And if she did, I think Elaine's point was just - she should expect more from the man she shares such an intimate experience with in the future. Sure, sex in strange places can be fun, but not in an affair where there is such a significant imbalance of power.

 

OP, in the future, protect yourself and be sure to chose a partner who will give you not only, fun times in strange places, but will also take you home to meet his friends and family and make love to you as a woman deserves to be loved by a man.

[elaine567]

Sex in strange places can be fun and thrilling.

Yes, of course, great fun, but that wasn't what this was about was it?

 

NO, they met up infrequently, and she "allowed" him to have bareback sex with her in the parking lot...

Most MM treat their OW way better than this.

I can see a woman doing this for money, I can even see a woman doing this just for the thrill a few times, but not for "love".

It is the "love" that is weird here and dysfunctional.

NO woman with a healthy respect for herself would love a man who would treat her in this way; like a free call girl, again and again.

 

Ok, well now that I've written this all out I realize she probably was debasing herself and knew it. lol

Exactly.

 

Thankfully it appears, Lovetoo is coming to her senses.

[BTDT2012]

OP, you can't draw any conclusions based on FB posts. After my WH cheated, I removed my marital status, and make no references to him. We are still together, I simply decided that I would not give his former AP a window into my life. He deactivated his page of his own accord, not at my request.

 

You deserve better than what he has to offer.

[Lovetoo]

Confused, she was harsh. Or it def could've been taken that way. He lives alone. They have not lived together for over two years. When I met him in 2015 he was living alone. Another reason I didn't think he was lying we he said he was divorced. I also saw in an uploaded paper where she filed for a divorce in nov. 2014. I thought it was the final ruling though.

 

We have had sex inside his house and mine. He was working overnight and we wanted to se each other so I went to see him and he took a break and we were happy to see one another. AND I like doing adventurous things. Not sure if that will change. I love it! Like the thought of pulling over on the side of a road on the way out of town with my mate is like exciting. So it wasn't because he wouldn't have me in bed or because I wasn't worth it. It was exciting! To me and him.

[Lovetoo]

Like I said before, at the time of the parking lot sex, believes he was divorced. We had been together in my home and his FREQUENTLY. I didn't not think he felt at anytime that I was only worth parkinglot sex.

Elaine, maybe your comments are coming from a caring place, but I don't see it as such. You're comparing me to a callgirl, what was the purpose of that? Are you demeaning me? Someone you already have assessed as having low self esteem and you speak to them that way? That's very big of you. You've done your good humanitarian deed for the day. Just doesn't seem like a good choice to speak down to a person you already deemed has low self esteem/self respect, is dysfunctional and obviously has experienced something horrible for them to allow themselves to be demeaned by a man.

 

Maybe my post upset you? I'm not sure. Maybe you feel better now, because you've had much more respect and esteem for yourself than you consider me to have for myself. If so, I'm glad you feel better but I'm sadden that it took this for you to feel better.

 

Everyone else, I do see now, that was a mistake. Because this man doesn't love me. my mistake was allowing my emotions to keep me from seeing the truth. My mistakes were many, I fell too soon. I didn't require him to prove himself. I let what I feel cloud my judgement. My fault my fault my fault. I was in love and initially everything was and felt great. When things changed, I still held to glimpses of what was.

[Lovetoo]

BTDT2012 what is an WH, and BS? Well, when they tried to work it out, she made her profile pic their wedding photo. She started back wearing ring. She posted pics of them and so did he. Then they added each other. They weren't even friends when I met him. Then, they unfriended each other, she took all those pics down, stopped wearing her ring.

 

They will likely be good. He said they've tried multiple times, it's just hard. When we're together he told me their relationship sustained "irreparable" damage. Never said what that was. He said it was sooo hard for him not to be there with his kids. Then I gathered he'd live there if he could. She probably won't let him. When they got back together I thought he'd terminated his lease. Now a year later he still lives alone but they are together. I guess she just don't want his ass in the house lol

 

I think she's a beautiful and lovely lady. I wouldn't and don't want to hurt her or then or the kids. I def don't want to be the reason they didn't work.

 

If he'd said, I'm separated, but we working it out, I'd have kept it moving.

It's so crazy how I was SO into him. His hr would be up when we met too. But I was really high at times. Like he said he was too, but I'd feel like I was on something. I could be sleep, drousey, tired but if he called I was RIDE awake. Talking to him could put me on cloud nine. We'd cuddle AND hold hands all night. He was sweet. When we were together. Attentive.

Whatever. It's nothing lol

[Lovetoo]

Stillafool, you are correct in everything. And I def want my man to love me and want to procreate with me. And be there to be a loving father/husband. Reading some of these post scare me though. Some of these ppl talk about having beautiful lives with someone then one day it's all shattered. That's scary.

[BTDT2012]

WH- wayward/Wandering husband

BS- betrayed spouse

[Lovetoo]

So, yesterday marked one successful day of not going to either my X or his wife's SM pages. This is incredible.

 

Anyone go to there ex's page very often? How do you stop? What have you all been doing instead?

 

Good luck!

[oceansaway]

You come to a point where you just don't care anymore. It's called moving on

[dogloverof2]

At one time I had a habit of going to XMM's wife social media page many times a day, in hopes of catching a glimpse of him in a picture. Never saw him in any. Looking back now, it was dumb to do it. A waste of my time cause it would have not changed anything.. He is where he wants to be and so am I.

As a matter of fact, I realized not to long ago that I haven't even thought of him. It was nice. As the other poster said.... it's called moving on...

Good luck.

[Lovetoo]

Are you there yet? How did it take you. Don't think I'm there all the way. I'm still curious. Just controlled it good. Once I went a week. Then started back.

[dogloverof2]

I am sooo much better than I once was. I am busy doing other things with my life instead of thinking and dwelling over him. I was in terrible shape for awhile, even obsessing over whether he thought about me as much as I did him. I realized it sucked the life out of me. And I realized too that every time I looked at his wife's social media page I was trying to butt into someone's life, where actually I had no business. I thought, how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot and another person was looking at my social media info like that..(which probably happens).

 

You taking your time looking at all that stuff is time wasted. I have reconnected with old friends and relatives, and spend time with current ones too, that make my life fuller. There isn't a day that goes by now where someone isn't calling asking me to lunch or shopping or just good conversation and coffee. I am happy.

 

I come back here every once in a while cause the advise and people here are amazing, no matter which group you post in. Its a good community... I saw your post and it reminded me of me.. Go find something positive to do with your time, and be good to yourself.....

[freengreen]

I got outta all social media accounts because it was easier for me to go check on him everytime I wanted ( we werent contacts on any of it but his pages are always all public, so anyone can go see). I saw his profile may be two to three times a day, this was 3 months ago...

 

Now after 4 months, I stil check on him , may be once in every 3 -4 days ( on his blog) , but I hate it. Has been 4 months NC ( zero contact), it will get better I know, one day, I wont care.

 

Keep going, conciously put an effort and dont think too much on it, just do other things with otger people, one day we will be free of $h1t.

[Lovetoo]

Doglover... though she never posted a pic with him they stayed together?

 

I looked this morning. Kinda feel bad now. I wish I was where you are. I'm ready to be over and done. I can feel it coming. I hope it doesn't take long.

[Lovetoo]

Freengreen, I'm not there yet. I still think of looking. Even when I don't. Not as much yesterday. I already looked this morning :-(

 

After that long you still check on him? I don't want to. Once it took me close to five years to stop thinking of an x. I don't want this to be the same. I really hope it is t the same. And I do wonder often if he is thinking of me. Or if he is viewing my page and photos. Etc. it must be impossible not to think of someone ever. Idk. Thanks y'all. For everything.