Maybe this is silly, but I'm curious--just discovered xMM has a second cell phone

[jennifernyc84]

 

You are a great accountability partner. I wish you were local to work out with me at the gym!

 

Haha!

 

Ageeed. I wish I could take you LSers with me as life coaches. <3

[sandylee1]

I spoke with a very experienced cheater, who had a Google phone which he did have a voice mail recorded on, but only for his OW'S number. Any other caller wouldn't get a chance to VM, but he was very techy and was able to escape with 4 LTAs during his marriage.

 

I'd say your EXMM was using a burner phone with you. It's very risky not to.

[MJJean]

I don't know if he was a player or a serial cheater or not but a quick Google of "How to Not Get Caught Cheating" or some similar phrase will answer any questions any "amateur" may have.

How to Not Get Caught Cheating

 

 

And an old phone or a replacement of the same model once owned is way easier to explain than a new burner. We've all got old phones laying around the house somewhere.

[EZNona]

Maybe it's their home number, their landline?

Stop cyber stalking, especially his wife. Nothing good will come of it.

 

She claims it was a cell number. But maybe the 2nd number attached to a different male and female name was a work cell number.

 

I just hope you don't spend the next 5 months worrying about an extra cell phone. Try to focus on the bigger picture which is healing and moving on for YOU.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

She claims it was a cell number. But maybe the 2nd number attached to a different male and female name was a work cell number.

 

I just hope you don't spend the next 5 months worrying about an extra cell phone. Try to focus on the bigger picture which is healing and moving on for YOU.

 

I claim it is a cell number because it IS a cell number--cingular wireless cell number. The number attached to a last name in my zip code that is for a different married couple, but after all it was xMM who answered it at 11pm. It's not a work number--his work doesn't give them cell phones (and I'm a client of his firm for a couple years, spoken with several of the attorneys there, so I should know). These facts not as important and I was postulating on them. This stuff isn't as important as the realization that my xMM could give advanced classes in manipulating ppl as a serial cheater, and that is the gold here. My newfound realization and acceptance that I was just another notch in his belt, and all that was special was totally one-sided (me) and that I probably projected all kinds of great qualities onto him that were not there. That realization is what will keep me from thinking anything about him for another five months. That realization gives me valuable awareness for future relationships. The cell phone discovery prompted this--so please don't miss the point of my OP. Thanks for posting! I feel my sleuthing on xMM is akin to BS trying to get to the truth of their WW's A. Don't know how to explain it any better. The difference is I'm not doing it to save a relationship, I'm doing it to get some peace about the truth, eliminate those nagging questions, to finally at long last move on!

 

EDITED TO ADD: I cannot wait until he is GONE from my brain and whatever else, because I have a ton of great stuff to look forward to and this is holding me back!

Edited March 5, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[gettingstronger]

It's a cell number he answers at 11pm from unknown callers- steer clear!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Actually calling the number took some balls, I will give you that.

 

I am not a big believer in the strict NC thing for its own sake, as if you were trying to prove some point - if you are sitting around, endlessly wondering why things happened and trying to understand, it is just as damaging as trying to be friends with the guy. So you need to do what you need to do to get the answers you seek, to get some peace so you can close that door and move on.

 

I understand as I have wrestled with similar, but different, things. In my experience, the truth always comes out and you find out who the person really was. Of course whether you accept it or make excuses for bad behavior, that is the question.

 

To answer your question, it is unusual for a cell phone number to be found online. Did you pay 10 dollars for a search? I've done that (that is how I know!). It's probably a family plan with wife and kids or mom and dad. Or perhaps a business cell. Mine is online, easy to find. So I would say yes, he definitely had a second line, it is easy these days. You can get one at Best Buy. And the no VM thing - I've experienced that before and yes, it is weird and odd in this day and age.

 

He sounds like a professional, someone looking and planning for what he wanted, an affair.

[Lovetoo]

I talk to a counselor today. She gave me her card. Tell me more about it? Did you really get better?

[stillafool]

Ah, you've just discovered like most this wasn't a special thing but typical.

 

And now he is on to his next conquest.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Actually calling the number took some balls, I will give you that.

 

I am not a big believer in the strict NC thing for its own sake, as if you were trying to prove some point - if you are sitting around, endlessly wondering why things happened and trying to understand, it is just as damaging as trying to be friends with the guy. So you need to do what you need to do to get the answers you seek, to get some peace so you can close that door and move on.

 

I understand as I have wrestled with similar, but different, things. In my experience, the truth always comes out and you find out who the person really was. Of course whether you accept it or make excuses for bad behavior, that is the question.

 

To answer your question, it is unusual for a cell phone number to be found online. Did you pay 10 dollars for a search? I've done that (that is how I know!). It's probably a family plan with wife and kids or mom and dad. Or perhaps a business cell. Mine is online, easy to find. So I would say yes, he definitely had a second line, it is easy these days. You can get one at Best Buy. And the no VM thing - I've experienced that before and yes, it is weird and odd in this day and age.

 

He sounds like a professional, someone looking and planning for what he wanted, an affair.

 

I couldn't agree with you moe on all points! Actually was a website with voter registration information that popped up first with her name and DOB. Amazing that it also had phone numbers along with voter registration numbers (which really is creepy to have online, I think). No $10, just a simple google search with the right search terms.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I talk to a counselor today. She gave me her card. Tell me more about it? Did you really get better?

 

Hello Lovetoo. It does help...clearly I need more of it! LOL The most important thing I have found with counselors is that you have one that "fits" you well.

 

Examples of what I mean include non-judgmental of your core beliefs, does not have their own agenda, supports and guides gently so you discover at your own pace, has knowledge and experience in the area you need (for generic example, addictions or codependency or whatever you feel your issues may involve), has training in techniques that you are comfortable with (so many--meditation, tapping, cognitive behavioral, etc).

 

If you are at all uncomfortable with a therapist, do not hesitate to find a new one. I had an amazing one when I was in my late teens after my father passed. I had another after that who I stopped seeing because I was starting to feel like I was HER therapist. I had another I stopped seeing because she was disrespectful...made me sit in the waiting room for a whole hour after my appointment time was supposed to start because she ran so far over, did not acknowledge my arrival, did not apologize, and was very rude after that...FIRED! My most recent therapist I've seen in two stints over the last couple years and like her much (although she did push me hard to attend a workshop in Nov that I really was not ready for and it made me relapse on my healing over xMM for a few weeks but I would still see her). Hope this helps you!

[Lovetoo]

It does thanks. This is therapeutic as well. I don't want to just talk. I want help lol. I talk all the time. Too much sometimes. I know one of my friends should be tired of me. :-/ I actually have thought about going back to school to be a therapist myself. I love the idea of helping ppl heal and love empowered lives.

[Maddieandtae]

It might help to admit to yourself that you DO want something from the married man, and I mean really admit it to yourself without all the justifications.

 

You might be surprised that in admitting to a particular struggle that you are stuck in will free your mind from the verbal garbage running around in it.

 

It's tough to do, I know this from my own experiences and if you can admit to just yourself whatever it is that you are not being honest about it's an absolutely amazing feeling.

 

Now that's closure!

[Girlfromcali]

Doing that is not going to help you. The only one with the answers would be the xMM and I guarantee he'd have an explanation, and you'd be in square one again.

 

I have gone through this kind of crap so many times..for years, and believe me nothing helps. NC is the only thing that will help if you stick to it.

 

I am the worst, the most pitiful there is.

 

After a quite nice period of NC I started texting my xMM. He didn't respond so I texted "are you ever going to talk to me". He then responds: "Hello beautiful. I miss you already".

 

I had horrible nightmares after that, it sounded so psychotic. (I hadn't talked to him for a very long time). I couldn't let it go, so I asked him if he meant that message for me. He said "of course". He then said that he meant to write he really misses me but his phone corrected it to already.

 

So there I was again the millionth time in square one starting NC again.

 

Obessing, wondering etc. about him brings nothing but misery. I break NC out of curiosity, because I'm bored, because I need an ego boost, out of anger, I need closure, I need something...whatever it is good or bad, it will ALWAYS end up hurting you in the end, even if you'd get a temporary relief. Don't break NC anymore.

[jah526]

Agree times a million with cali. I've broken it recently after a long period, and now he's just not even bothering with niceties anymore. It's straight to some variant of let's ****.

[Girlfromcali]

Agree times a million with cali. I've broken it recently after a long period, and now he's just not even bothering with niceties anymore. It's straight to some variant of let's ****.

 

Mine is not bothering with the niceties either. That's why the "Good morning beautiful" -message was so bizarre. It was like a robot was sending it, or someone just out of a habit, or he meant to send it to his new victim.

 

There was nothing genuine about it. Had he sent me a message saying something like "leave me alone you awful b****", it would've made me happier because it would've shown at least some kind of genuine emotion.

 

Horrible..just nasty...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

It might help to admit to yourself that you DO want something from the married man, and I mean really admit it to yourself without all the justifications.

 

You might be surprised that in admitting to a particular struggle that you are stuck in will free your mind from the verbal garbage running around in it.

 

It's tough to do, I know this from my own experiences and if you can admit to just yourself whatever it is that you are not being honest about it's an absolutely amazing feeling.

 

Now that's closure!

 

I want to thank you for this post. I saw it when I woke up this morning and it's been the exclamation mark on a discovery I made last night. Last night, I discovered that I'm not so angry with xMM as I am with my eldest brother, who brutally betrayed me last June.

 

I'm chronicling the events here to get them out, see them in front of me, and hope this can foster some healing for someone else who reads this.

 

My xMM forgot my birthday mid-June. I was upset. He apologized. He said he would make up for it. About two weeks after this, my eldest brother, the only person in my family who I perceived as one of the few people on this planet that I could trust wholeheartedly, royally screwed me over. I had been litigating on something for nearly a decade that affects every area of my life, and I had finally reached a resolution with the counter party in the case. My brother threw a wrench in this (for what reason I still can't fathom other than some warped personal evil deep inside him that I did not realize exists). My brother blew up my whole deal, put my life and well-being and all that I've worked for my entire adult life, in jeopardy. I'm still baffled by it.

 

Meanwhile, xMM kept saying for the next two months that he would make up for my birthday (I really just wanted like 15 minutes of effort from him, nothing monetary), but up until the time I went NC in Sept he still had not. That was three months of I'll make it up, I'll make it up, I'll make it up. This was a huge motivator for me to cut contact with xMM as I had communicated that this was driving a wedge between us but still where was his effort? I took it as a huge sign post. All the while I was scrambling to save my legal case...very stressful and I was devastated by my brothers' actions. Eventually I was able to piece back together my legal settlement after months of more effort (whole thing would have been resolved if my brother just signed off on the document as trustee of MY trust I created and put him on with MY assets in it, but he chose to breach his duty instead); this ended up costing me tens of thousands more. My case was finally dismissed in January (about 7 weeks ago). The impact this delay on settling my case has severely impacted my business negatively, too, and it has been an incredible struggle to keep everything together. There are days when I feel like I'm holding everything together with bubble gum and a prayer. Other days I just mentally, emotionally check out from being overwhelmed.

 

Alas, last night while talking to a friend, I realized it's not xMM that I'm so upset with. It is really my brother. I am upset that xMM seemed to easily let me go after NC, but truthfully I don't really have the facts about why. Also, I knew what I was signing up for with xMM so how can I be so upset with him for being unavailable to me? I don't like it, but that's what it is. With xMM, I'm back to where I was months ago in a good way, which is I offered him my love freely, unconditionally, with the understanding that he may not be able to reciprocate. It was my choice to do this. It was my choice to end it when I went NC. I still love xMM, that is true (and it's not a choice/something I can control). And I believe I always will. He doesn't have to love me back. He doesn't have to "choose" me. What I gave was a gift, and in giving I also received. During my dance with him, I did receive even if not in the traditional sense.

 

I realize that much of the anger towards xMM is displaced because I was not ready to deal with the enormity of what my brother did. It was easier to think I was being mentally persecuted by xMM, but really it was my brother. Now that I have this realization in my consciousness, I can more easily release any expectations/pain regarding xMM, and focus on the greater source of my suffering: my brother. I am starting to get what my counselor has been trying to get me to see: that my suffering is all part of the same "story." It's like each person's betrayal layers on top of the previous person's betrayal. Another analogy is dad's betrayal = link one in a chain, subsequent betrayals are additional links in the same chain. Have to break the links to break the chain that keeps us in our suffering--keeps us bound to pain and suffering. Only then will we release ourselves and find freedom, happiness, growth, joy, abundance.

 

After I dig through the totally crappy thing my brother did, I will have to address my father's betrayal. That is specifically my father's cheating on my mother. This impacted me soooo profoundly at the tender age of 14 years. It really shaped me as an independent adult woman who refused to ever put myself in the totally dependent position my mother was in; I would not be weak and vulnerable like she was. I was front seat to my mother's pain, and she used me as her crutch intermittently between begging for my father to come back home. I have had so many betrayals in my life--it's a painful theme. I recall them all easily from friends to family members to xBFs. I think they stand out because I never fully recovered from the trauma of my father's infidelity. Also, in being xMM's AP, I learned to forgive my father's OW. I got to live first hand that maybe she wasn't an evil, selfish biotch that only cared about having her kitty scratched at the expense of our family. Maybe she was a person who wanted and needed love. Maybe my father offered her some of it. When you are starving, even a McDonald's cheeseburger tastes divine.

 

Early on in my A with xMM, I was triggered to find my father's xOW to give her a piece of my mind (even 25 years later), but now I just forgive her because I imagine the pain she suffered when my mom forced her out of town and out of her job. I can understand the pain of pining for a man you can't have. So I forgive her.

 

So, I have to say that in this perspective, xMM has really given me a precious gift. Please, to anyone who reads this, please consider the underlying issues and causes of your pain beyond your xAP's and even WW's. There is real treasure and healing there! I'm even considering writing xMM a goodbye love letter (not that I would send it) thanking him for his unintentional gift.

Edited March 6, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel