Can anyone work this out? please help?

[chad]

im so confused right now. last night was the big `im done with friends` bit from me.

 

she says she loves me, she says she misses me yet when i ask if there is a future together, she just replies, im so confused right now.

 

she is 30, im 35, we have 3 kids between us and a 5 year relationship.. basically, she kicked me out of the house a month or so ago, and i moved back to my flat.

since then we have done the friends thing, she has done my shopping, tidied my flat, cooked me dinners, ironing, washing you name it.

even relieved some of the `sexual pressures` from me while i was having a shower.

 

so last night i said to her, think of us as you standing at the top of the hill, and for me to get you back, i gotta get to the top, now, i keep sliding back down this hill,

and i need a hand, coz if i slide much further im just gonna forget it.

 

she just reiterates she loves me, she misses me, but she is confused.

 

is there anyone out there that can work her out? i told her last night, this was goodbye, no more txts, calls, hugs, kisses, nothing.

i told her how much i loved her, and to take care.

 

tho its not even been 24 hours and this NC is totally killing me. im used to her txtn me all day and saying goodnight etc. but i want more than friends, i want us to be back together.

 

what shall i do?

[sundrop]

It sounds like you put the ball in her court.

She can either pick it up and continue the game or quit.

I'm in the same boat you are in. I laid down the law with my ex and now I hope things would be different. It's two weeks for me.

If she's confused all you can do is give her time to sort it out. If you push to much you will push her away.

In the mean time. keep reading all the post here. It will keep you bust for a while.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She isn't confused. She knows perfectly well what she wants. She just isn't finding it with you - which is why you have only a partial relationship with her. The only thing that would 'confuse' her is why she isn't feeling it, not what it is she is or isn't feeling. Telling you that she is "confused" is a lot more likely to keep you around than "You aren't what I'm looking for exactly". On some level, you fulfill at least some of her needs - so she only gives you enough to make sure you stick around without it being a hassle for her.

 

It sounds like the confused one is you: you know perfectly well that your life would be much better off with someone who would treat you better, and share true love with you, and accept your children ... yet, you find yourself clinging to someone who can offer only a minimum of happiness and is guaranteed to make your life miserable. Now that is confusion. People who truly are confused stay in relationships even when they are not happy or don't feel what they think they should for a person. Someone who isn't confused, doesn't stay in a relationship in which they are not happy - or, they simply arrange the relationship such that they can have it, and have it with a minimum of hassle (like your g/f has done).

 

There is not much you can do to change her mind - if she is going to find her way out of her "confusion" - it is something that she will have to do entirely on her own. Your choices are limited as long as she is "confused". You either have to adapt to her meager offering of a relationship, or leave it.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by chad since then we have done the friends thing, she has done my shopping, tidied my flat, cooked me dinners, ironing, washing you name it.

even relieved some of the `sexual pressures` from me while i was having a shower.

 

what shall i do?

 

Maybe YOU should go do HER shopping, tidy HER flat, cook HER some dinners, do HER ironing, washing you name it!

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Run

 

Your being used ...

 

LB's post is right on the money

[chad]

Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

Maybe YOU should go do HER shopping, tidy HER flat, cook HER some dinners, do HER ironing, washing you name it!

 

 

Done all that. we `split` up about 8 weeks ago, i only moved out 4 weeks ago. so much for the NC thing, it killed me last night,

so i sent her a txt asking her if she is okay?

 

she replied with `no, i feel horrible & sick, ive been wanting to txt u all day, but i didnt know what to do, how r u? ive been worrying`

 

anyway, after a few txt exchanges, she gives me this smack in the face:

 

`the thought of not seeing you anymore, well i cant explain it, i know why u did it tho (me attempting pathetically at nc) its just really done me in,

i know its not what u want, but il always b there 4 u, the last thing i want to do is 2hurt u anymore,ul never know how much i hate myself

4 what ive done 2 u, but if its best 4 u, i have 2 get by`

 

she went on, how the kids have been asking after me etc. (her 2 kids arent mine, just they look at me as a dad, as their real dad died before they knew him,

and i am all they have ever known)

 

i dunno... really i dont... half of me says to kick her to the kerb. the other half says, wait a bit, carry on with the friends part, and see how things turn out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Should you choose 'friends', be sure that you are going to be ok if 'friends' is all you end up with. She may well start dating someone else. If you aren't sure that you can handle that in the same way a friend would, you may want to rethink the 'friend' thing. It will be hard, and require an iron will but...

 

If you do end up doing it, you may want to consider cutting off everything with her BUT friends. She gets treated physically and emotionally no different than you would be with a male friend. No kisses, no cuddle, no intimate conversation or lengthy phone calls. No going out of your way for her, anymore than you would for any other friend. Just friendliness with an indifference to sex or emotional involvement.

 

If she wants those things from you, then she needs to know that she is only allowed to have them in the context of a loving, committed, monogamous relationship in which you are both living happily under the same roof. Otherwise? Nada. She gets nothing but the 'friendliness' that you would give to any man that you know.

 

She wants your friendship? Fine. She can have that. She wants your love and affection? Sorry, she's got a lot of work to do before she sees that again.

 

Even if she begs, whines, pouts - whatever - just repeat calmly "I am your friend. I am here for you as a friend, and only as a friend. Right now, under the circumstances that is all I have to offer."

 

This will put her in a position in which your love and affection becomes something she has to choose, not something that she can just take advantage of because its there.

[chad]

Lucrezia, you are indeed a guru, and i appreciate your time and effort in your responses i really do, you have many wise words, which i hope i take in!!!

 

i am taking your advice, and im gonna treat her like a friend... been doing ok so far, although only one conversation, i made it short and to the point (regarding financial matters)

ie i have stopped paying for her mobile phone contract, she now has to do it amongst other things. she said about her coming over tonight, and i said,

i dont mind if you wanna come over for a chat, but just make sure to gimme a call or summat first as i most likely will be out.

 

im gonna try and get over the mess i made on sunday, and go back to being cool and calm, and somewhat distant towards her, i cannot tell you guys how much i have tried with this woman over the last 8 weeks, i have literally tried everything i can thing of, flowers, chocolates, cooking, washing up, housework, shopping, meals, cinema, massages, hot baths etc etc etc the list goes on. (thats just for you MWC_Lifebeginsat40! hehe.

 

im gonna try and keep my distance, and not approach her for any personal comfort or support. perhaps she will be able to get out of this confused state a lot quicker if i dont show her any emotions, she will then start to miss the real me : ) i hope?