Friendship Quota???

[Tanyasinclair]

I'm... not exactly sure if this is enough of a substantial topic to warrant its own thread, and I'm not sure if this is the right area for it, but I just thought I'd give it a whirl because I'm curious to hear the thoughts/opinions of others.

 

The reason I gave this thread that.... somewhat odd title, is because I keep thinking about a conversation I had with someone quite some time ago. I won't give all the details, but I was kiiiinda trying to state how I didn't feel as close to this person as I wanted to, and how they seemed to feel closer to/prefer to be around others more than me, and....

 

In the end my friend kept assuring me I had nothing to worry about, that friendship is not a competition, and even went as far as to say, "Do you really want to try fighting off 20 people?" I asked what that meant, and I was told that that was the number of people that this person considered close friends.

 

Ever since that conversation... part of me has been left thinking about it. If anything, it left me puzzled.

 

The way I see things might be different because... I guess I don't view social interactions the same way that others do, (I've actually learned I prefer to be alone much of the time, and if anything, I've found that if I grow too fond of one person, I end up getting clingy or jealous/possessive, another reason why I'm better off keeping to myself and my own devices), so it could be there is something I just don't get or don't see when it comes to how most other people interact or how they view friendships, but....

 

The reason why the number "20" puzzles me so much is because.... it just seems to me like that number is far too big, and it actually lacks any kind of closeness. To me, it sorta feels like it runs the risk of losing yourself or spreading yourself too thin. (Then again, I also speak as someone who seems to get overwhelmed easily, and I seem to mentally/emotionally bork if I interact closely with more than one or two individuals at a time)

 

Sooo again it could be that well, people are just different, and people have different social needs, different limits, and different social capacities, and if that's the case I don't have any right to judge. It's just...

 

Well, what do you guys think? Do you think it just varies from person to person? Do you think that if someone has a lot of "close friends" but doesn't seem to have a best friend or that one person they prefer above others, does that mean they're just more social and outgoing?

 

I am probably over-analyzing this, I'm just curious what others think, and.... the entire thing just puzzles me because I guess I was always taught that by nature, you really only have one best friend, or in general there is usually only 2-3 you *really* connect/click well with, and others are more like casual acquaintances or those you social with/be polite around, even if some of them might still count as friends, just not as close-knit as the besties.

 

So yeah... what do you think? Do you think it is possible for someone to really mean it when they say they are "close to" (possibly BFFs with) 20 people? Or do you think in reality, individuals will always have 2-3 specific someone's who they feel closer to, and turn to above all else?

[bluefeather]

...it could be that well, people are just different, and people have different social needs, different limits, and different social capacities, and if that's the case I don't have any right to judge.

 

You answered your own thread.

 

I am probably over-analyzing this...

 

Probably.

[Tanyasinclair]

I guess I did at that. I was just hoping that I might hear some other opinions and that others might offer their own insights into the analysis or offer some of their own take on how friendships work, or how different individuals may view the number of friends/quality of each friendship differently, although maybe in reality I'm just thinking aloud or considering something my brain already knows. ^^;

 

Soooo perhaps this thread is a waste of space, I dunno.

[bluefeather]

I guess I did at that. I was just hoping that I might hear some other opinions and that others might offer their own insights into the analysis or offer some of their own take on how friendships work, or how different individuals may view the number of friends/quality of each friendship differently, although maybe in reality I'm just thinking aloud or considering something my brain already knows. ^^;

 

Soooo perhaps this thread is a waste of space, I dunno.

 

Don't worry. I'm pretty sure you'll get opinions no matter what you say. People like to give those a lot. But as a few close friends are more important to me than many acquaintances, a few thoughtful responses would be more important to me than pages of people who you can tell sometimes don't even read the whole OP.

 

Maybe it's therapeutic for you to write here. Hopefully so.

[preraph]

I think you only think the number is too big because you can't handle that number of people. I don't think it has any bearing on how close the friendships are. Friendships are not like monogamy! You can have many friends. She is lucky to have so many friends. If you are very active and engaging, you can keep a lot of friends. Friendships don't require that you only immerse yourself in one person. That's love relationships.

[Tanyasinclair]

I will say that I am grateful on the comments I've seen in this thread because.... even if this has nothing to do with the topic of friendship/the number of friends that people have, it helped me realize something about the way my brain works in an indirect way.

 

I've realized that in some ways.... well yeah, I do find this sort of writing and airing stuff out theraputic, and that's why I do it, it helps me. But I also realized that one flaw in what I'm doing is that.... I'm also looking for an "absolute opinion" or "absolute fact", where I either latch onto one person, or at least one medium, and I treat whatever I'm getting like gospel.

 

Then if it reaches a point where I start to notice an individual's flaws more, or I start to disagree with that person for some reason, (or maybe both parties change and are no longer even thinking or saying the same things) I find myself feeling devestated, hurt, and I turn to another source instead..... which I guess begins the cycle anew.

 

I'm not sure why I've been doing this for years yet, but it's good to have that recognized and pinpointed.

 

Anyway back on topic... I do agree that my friend is very lucky to have that many friends, especially when you put it like that. I guess for some reason.... I don't know why, I always look for something more intimate in each friendship, and sometimes I even get just that, and the emotional/spiritual connection probably goes far deeper than it should sometimes.

 

I guess the problem is.... when this happens, (and generally, for whatever reason, I always go in DEEP and I guess I play for keeps, or I make that assumption somehow, even if the other person is not on the same page or the friendship/relationship is not the same for them), well... I guess I start wanting that person all to myself?

 

Perhaps in a way I'm still trying to learn how healthy friendships work, what works for me individually, and.... well, what it is I really want and expect from basic human interaction.

 

In a way, perhaps I'm even jealous of the friends who has 20 friends, because that person seems to have a better grasp on sharing, and seems to be have a better capacity for handling that many people.

 

And maybe.... maybe I am just selfish, I don't want to feel like I'm just one in the crowd.

 

In the end... it kinda feels like my social interactions seem to do better when I spend a few days alone, then poke my head out and start being silly and casual around those who also don't mind being silly and casual in the same way, and who are also okay with it if I retreat back into my shell for a days without really speaking to them. That way I don't cling to them or expect too much, and I don't feel pressured or overwhelmed because nobody is placing too much expectation upon me.

[bluefeather]

I know what you're talking about, but it's too much analysis for me to write about, which brings me to my point that I have said to you in a previous thread: you can't have sex with a username.

 

If these friendships are purely textual, they aren't concrete, and also probably one of the reasons why you may develop feelings about interactions that way.

 

This is my view, not to be taken as gospel. And imo, we are all uniquely flawed.

[anduina]

Have you read 'The power of introverts' by Susan Caine?

[Tanyasinclair]

Have you read 'The power of introverts' by Susan Caine?

 

Nope I haven't.

 

Though I will say it leads me to another thought I've been thinking about (and probably overanalyzing). Just... the person I mentioned in my first post? That person is an introvert. Which in a way, makes it more puzzling to me how someone like that can have nearly two dozen close friends.

 

I would've thought that that would be the kind of thing that extroverts would be more prone to have, while introverts have one, maybe 2-3 really close friends, but.... I guess that isn't entirely true in some cases.

[bluefeather]

Nope I haven't.

 

Though I will say it leads me to another thought I've been thinking about (and probably overanalyzing). Just... the person I mentioned in my first post? That person is an introvert. Which in a way, makes it more puzzling to me how someone like that can have nearly two dozen close friends.

 

I would've thought that that would be the kind of thing that extroverts would be more prone to have, while introverts have one, maybe 2-3 really close friends, but.... I guess that isn't entirely true in some cases.

 

I believe there are always exceptions to rules. Also, when I was growing up, there was the term "extrovert" and there was the term "introvert." Lately, I have read people describing themselves as "introverted extrovert." Sounds pretentious to me, as if people made yet another term to label themselves in order to stand out. To me, it was just an exception to the rule. I could apply the term to myself as well and give really good examples, but why bother? I'm no special snowflake. Just an introvert.

 

...Then again, maybe I, too, am over-analyzing

[preraph]

It would be interesting to know if you were selfish as a child (many children are), as in "This is MY toy" and "That is MY friend," that sort of thing. Because being possessive of friends is kind of something a young child would do. I can't relate it to being an introvert, really.

 

It's like you want all their attention and don't want to share.

 

I would just try to think about when is the first time you felt like that and who did it involve. And then separately, is there some pattern in your life of not being able to get enough attention from someone? Try to find the root cause. It sounds like an old pattern to me, but that's just a hunch.

[Tanyasinclair]

Well, when I glance briefly back at my oldest/first memories, I tend to notice two things in particular.

 

Firstly... yes, there were times when I was selfish and possessive.

 

However....

 

1: My brother was autistic to the point where he threw complete screaming and kicking tantrums over the slightest thing at times, so sometimes compromises HAD to be made, especially in the early days. Yes, boundries were set, but there were also times when it seemed like he would get his way because he was stubborn enough about it, our parents couldn't monitor EVERYTHING, and sometimes it got to the point where he could claim some of MY belongings as his own and get attached to them to the point where it just wasn't worth the effort to anyone to try to take them from him.

 

And sometimes, it seemed like I had to fight or scream in my own way just to GET my own way in my own bedroom, kinda like this one time when I was, like, 9, and I wanted to put stickers on my wall calendar. My brother came into my room, and tried to demand that I take the stickers off because he didn't like it, and even kinda threatened to take them off himself by almost doing so. And when I complained that this was going on, Mom seemed to say I should just let him go ahead and do it. So then I threw a hissy fit because this was MY bedroom, those were MY stickers, and that was my own wall calendar, and if anyone was intruding, it was my slightly older brother.

 

So in this case I threw my mild fit to state my case, and then my brother ran off to his room and continued throwing a fit. (I actually feel very bad for my mom in reflecting back on incidents like this, because in either case these kinds of outbursts and incidents could NOT have been easy to handle or face :/ )

 

Anyway....

 

2: My own dad (who we're pretty sure is an undiagonsed autistc) had... similarish tendencies? His space was HIS SPACE. His business was HIS BUSINESS. Beware the yelling and sometimes the stomping off if you dared violate this term or condition. But if there was something that he needed from you or wanted/needed to know, then you best give it over. In some cases, sometimes it seemed necessary to just give in to him when he started yelling or demanding something... or in some cases, I found myself yelling or screaming at the top of my lungs if he pushed too far or started to get on my case too much, which would shut him up and force him to withdraw.

 

Soooo.... maybe that might offer some insights. I.... really shouldn't use any of this as an excuse, and I hope I'm not, I'm just trying to offer some perspective here.

 

Plus... at times, my dad seemed to be the jealous-possessive type. Oh, you're talking to someone? Then he needs to know ALL about it! Maybe that person isn't even good enough for you, or isn't someone you should be talking to at all!

 

And... it seemed like in my family unit, there was always this sort of.... I dunno, thing where the people around you are yours, and they should obey and respect you and treat you like royalty, but it's also okay for you to treat them badly. If they really love you, then they should be able to accept you and anything you do and say, period. (Even though, in reality, no-one should have to accept or put up with yelling or anger fits of any sort.)

 

I.... kinda think that a lot of these issues/problems could go with undiagnosed/untreated autism, and perhaps other related issues, because.... I have seen plenty of cases involving severe possessiveness, obsessiveness, moodiness, anger, and even space-invasion (lack of respect for personal boundries) and the occasional volcanic eruption.

 

I'd have to say that things have improved over the years to the point where we all pretty much stay in our own zones and we more or less have an established set of boundries, (even if I sometimes feel the need to reassert the fact that my brother may NOT enter my room unless he has a specific reason to do so and he certainly cannot touch or look at my personal belongings), but... I guess old habits die hard within me.

 

So to this day, even though I think I've gotten better about it... I guess if I really want something or stake a claim to it, (maybe, unfortunately, this crosses into the area of human beings as well,) I guess... I don't know, I guess I'm just used to the notion where... if I want something, or if it's mine, I need to keep it near me and be territorial about it. If I feel threatened in any way that I'm gonna lose whatever it is I'm attached to or feel is mine, I either have to mourn the loss (be willing to give it up entirely) or act like a jungle cat who is defending her personal territory and what is hers, and TRESPASSERS MUST STAY AWAY RAWR.

 

....I hope that offers some insight and I hope it didn't derail the thread too much. ^^;

[preraph]

Yeah, that kind of makes sense, doesn't it? Plus your dad was your role model, so you learned this. And then your autistic brother, you picked things up off of too. You had to compete for attention and still came up short because the squeaky wheel always gets the grease and he was pretty squeaky.

 

You had to really claim and guard something and you had to really double down to get the attention you needed, so all this is informing your behavior to this day, and it's little wonder.

 

You know, I can relate to this just a little. My only sibling was 7 years older than me, and supposedly we shared a room -- only she was so mean to me I just stored my clothes in there and mainly stayed out of there. My whole life, she felt that everything in the room belonged to her, not that it was also mine. We didn't have money and buy things like they do today with kids. It was only at holidays.

 

I only really occupied the room after she married when I was 12.

 

So after we were middle aged ladies, I took over the bedroom "horse" lamp that I loved and went and rewired it and bought a modern shade for it and put it in my house. She came over and said it was her lamp. I blew up finally. I said "So what in that room was MINE? Just tell me one thing in that room that was MINE?" And she couldn't come up with one thing. She shut up about it after that.

[Tanyasinclair]

Yeah, that kind of makes sense, doesn't it? Plus your dad was your role model, so you learned this. And then your autistic brother, you picked things up off of too. You had to compete for attention and still came up short because the squeaky wheel always gets the grease and he was pretty squeaky.

 

You had to really claim and guard something and you had to really double down to get the attention you needed, so all this is informing your behavior to this day, and it's little wonder.

 

You know, I can relate to this just a little. My only sibling was 7 years older than me, and supposedly we shared a room -- only she was so mean to me I just stored my clothes in there and mainly stayed out of there. My whole life, she felt that everything in the room belonged to her, not that it was also mine. We didn't have money and buy things like they do today with kids. It was only at holidays.

 

I only really occupied the room after she married when I was 12.

 

So after we were middle aged ladies, I took over the bedroom "horse" lamp that I loved and went and rewired it and bought a modern shade for it and put it in my house. She came over and said it was her lamp. I blew up finally. I said "So what in that room was MINE? Just tell me one thing in that room that was MINE?" And she couldn't come up with one thing. She shut up about it after that.

 

Sounds like you had some sibling issues as well. I don't know anything about you really, and I don't know anything about your family or your dynamic or anything at all, so I am speaking in complete ignorance here. But....

 

Well, please know that I'm not defending your sister's behavior or attitude or anything. ^^; But in some ways, I can't help but wonder.... just in looking at it from her side of things, maybe she felt a tad resentful in her own way? That she could never have her own room and her own space, and maybe she partially blamed it on the fact that a bigger place could never be afforded, and she took it out on you. I mean, I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings at all, because she never should have treated you that way, and being older she should have known better and acted more maturely, plus she should have been the one setting a better example.

 

Buuut... I guess I also try to look at things on both sides of the fence, especially nowadays. And this simply makes me look at my own situation, like....

 

To some degree, there are some areas where I actually feel very bad for my brother in some ways. I mean... for one thing, he was not born "normal", he probably didn't know what the heck was going on in his own brain half the time especially when he was very young, and it was also confirmed that loud noises (especially shrill ones) could cause physical pain in him. (My dad had some similarities, like... he always said that he could hear things in the ultra-sonic, even stuff like dog-whistles, so sometimes he could walk into a room and experience pain when all the other people weren't even aware of whatever it was that was causing him pain)

 

Buuut anyway.... looking at it from my bro's POV, I can see how... you know, he was born first, and at first he was getting all the attention and all the toys and whatever else, and then suddenly there is this new little sister who is inheriting his old baby crib and his old toys (I remember my mom telling me stories about how Dad had to get really firm with my brother and even fight with him a little to accept the fact that I had the crib now, and he was supposed to use his new bed).

 

Plus as the years rolled by, especially since my brother was different and nobody really knew how to interact with him or what would set him off, people seemed more interested in me and getting to know me, and sometimes this also meant I got more attention and I got nicer things because people actually knew what to get me and what I was interested in, while he just.... stayed in his own little world and nobody knew what to do with him, really.

 

Soooo... I dunno, he seems happy overall, especially since we made sure he has everything he needs, (clothes, a bed, other things for his room, his own computer with his favorite games, etc) but... even though I have had several discussions with my mother about this, and we really are trying to do better and be more considerate of him, part of me still feels bad whenever I get something (especially if it is something really nice and elaborate) and I think about how he hasn't really gotten anything, or sometimes only gets something small, buuuuut.... in some cases, it is really because we're just not sure what to get him, what he would like or appreciate (Especially since he seems to have most of what he would have wanted already and what he needs) and also because I tend to be the one who flat-out asks for something because I know what I want. :/

 

Either way.... I'm very grateful that we had this little discussion, I really feel like it's helping me look at certain things more closely and I'm thinking about stuff I hadn't really looked closely at until now.

[todreaminblue]

hey. i feel the more sensitive you are the harder it is to get too close to people seems irony..autism is a form o fhigher sensitivcty to cewrtain stimuli...especially social.......

 

i form friendships easily......at school i was the kid that new kids were sat near.....i would show them the ropes identify the clicks and people i thought were cool....they would open up to me tell me their life history what their plans were for the future and how their old school was who their friends were.....which i would listen to ...........and they would move on....truth is i would withdraw first,.....its a protection mechanism in me..........i cant be close friends with too many people...just cant...feels liek threads of me unravel and connect......i am an empath.....i opened up to one girl in school primary.......it was aroudn the whole shcool including parents within one week ..from then i was isolated..other than new kids.....

 

 

my family one or two close friends and a partner..when i have one...is a grounding thread.........and i love all people...i just cant be close i wish i could...because i know some awesome people.they aint perfect,....but they freaking rock.......i consider these people the very best of humanity..the ultimate friends....gods gifts....i connect often online because its a buffer....

 

 

.... if i am in a crowd i feel swamped..awkward and obvious..i feel like I stick out...and ill hang near walls and doorways...ready to slide through them....i often feel disconnected from people because i disconnect.....not them me...they hunt me down..even to my house...strays come.....my family attracts people......i attract people...im friendly....i love them all.literally...never smile more than when i am in their company of these ultimate friends...........but i have to keep my distance and not attach....or ill end up with no me left......ever felt like that.....where you disappear and become ....nothing.....crowds make me feel that way..its why i am so awkward and say stupid stuff...smilin.....takes all types tanya...and the world is better for it....for you....for me...for everyone to be who they are friend styles and all and feel acceptance.........deb

Edited March 6, 2017 by todreaminblue

[preraph]

My sister had issues alright. She hated having a little sister. She had had it all to herself all those years. My first memory (both these are 3 or under yrs of age) is falling down on the ice outside and her just walking off without me. My second memory is her completely closing the pickup door on my baby hands and being lucky to have a doctor next door to sew them back together. I still have scars from that. She did it on purpose. I remember it clearly because it was so hurtful and then traumatic. So you can see why I rarely stayed in the room when she was there, so it's hardly like she was sharing it...

 

But yes, siblings have issues, and certainly having an autistic brother is a lot of complication and challenges.

[Tanyasinclair]

Another... unfortunate thing I've noticed when it comes to my people interactions is just....

 

I have often taken the passive-aggressive approach to things.

 

But... there were many, many cases where my dad... well, he always excelled where computers and machinery were concerned, and years ago he was a pretty adept programmer. So... I dunno, it always seemed like he wanted people to be more like robots, or like an editable writing project or program, and unfortunately I seem to have developed similar habits/tendencies.

 

Oh, you don't like the fact that this person has THIS mindset about something? Try to change it. Oh, they aren't open to suggestion? Try to input new data. Still not working? Let it cool off for a bit and try again later. Still not working? Maybe try again. Still not working? Okay then, either deny reality/ignore the fact that this person isn't accepting it, or drop the person like a hot potato, whichever.

 

I've found that I have had some pretty nasty disagreements with people on the internet, mostly ten years ago when I made my internet debut, like..... if someone said something that I didn't like, or if they rubbed me the wrong way, I would start posting stuff in a public blog or someplace I knew they would see it, and then get unhappy when I got very bad reactions.

 

I guess the reason I did this in the first place was because.... well, it was what my dad, my primary role-model, always did. If you disagreed with something that he said, or that he WANTED you to agree with, he would sometimes talk about the problem he had with you out loud to someone nearby, and seem to expect you to take what he said and use the info to edit your opinion/personality because he found a way to state his displeasure/what he didn't like about you in a non-confrontational way.

 

Sometimes, if you disagreed with a subject that he wanted you to agree with his opinion on, he would even print up something (or give you a book on the subject) that coincided with his specific views, and seemed to expect you to read it just because he said so and by reading it, then you should be properly changed/programmed to be the kind of human he wanted around. If you didn't, or if you did read it and still disagreed, then you were dumb, or.... then he needed to try again somehow.

 

So... I dunno, I will say that in some ways, I still catch myself in the habit where... if I don't like something that someone did, or I would prefer it if they changed their opinions/attitudes/etc in a way I find more to my liking, I still have a way of sometimes writing something on the internet in the distant hope that whoever I'm angry with will someday stumble across it, see it, be humbled or... something, and then change themselves accordingly and then we can be friends again. But... I have been trying to stop myself from doing that, because really, in reality, the only thing that it does is cause drama, upset everyone who's involved, and it is actually humiliating for the person on the other end and immature of the person who is posting stuff online for that purpose.

 

Just... it always seemed like my dad would try doing that, for a long time, to both my mother and I, because he just wanted to be agreed with and it was far easier, I guess, to try to change those around you (and if that didn't work, either boss everyone around you into submission or if that failed, just ignore/deny reality) rather than trying to work with the situation and trying to accept those around you as they are.

 

After all.... when you get married, you don't get a submissive puppy who accepts anything and everything you do, and when you decide to have children, they are not programmable robots. "I want my daughter's favorite color to be pink!"

 

Anyway... my apologies again for the rant/ramble.

[todreaminblue]

when you say public you mean you shamed them in public.....public humiliation.they were identifiable.....you shamed them in public groups that everyone was aware(common friends) of exactly who you were talking about?...or do you mean anonymous forums like this where you didnt give identifiable names of people you have problems with...deb

[preraph]

It's one of the hallmarks of maturity when it finally hits you that everyone is different and have different views for their own reasons, and that yes, some are too extreme to be palatable, but overall, people being different is what makes the world go round.

 

Your dad is rigid, probably because of his own autistic tendencies. People who have trouble adapting would MUCH prefer everyone around them conformed to what they themselves are used to.

 

You have a lot of insight. I think with time you'll unravel some of this and start thinking for a beat before you react the way you were programmed to.

[Tanyasinclair]

when you say public you mean you shamed them in public.....public humiliation.they were identifiable.....you shamed them in public groups that everyone was aware(common friends) of exactly who you were talking about?...or do you mean anonymous forums like this where you didnt give identifiable names of people you have problems with...deb

 

Well... to name an example, I used to do this sort of thing on places like Livejournal and Deviantart, where people had added me as a friend or to their subscription or, you know, whatever you want to call it when there is an option to see when someone updates.

 

Then if I had a problem with some of these individuals, their personalities, or something they did or said... somehow it was never good enough to me to try talking it out, because I couldn't accept that they were so different from me in the first place, or I couldn't accept the fact that I presented them with what I didn't like or what I had a problem with and they weren't changing to please me, or... both, I guess?

 

Then.... I will admit that if I did start lashing out and writing nasty yet subtle journal entries in those places, where they could see... I never mentioned names, but I did make it so that if/when the person I was talking about saw it, they would know I was talking about them.

 

Then sometimes.... well, in one case where it got especially nasty (about ten years ago now), I saw one person write an angry journal of her own to express the collective feelings of herself and others I had burned, in which she said (among other things) something like, "You really think you could do something like this to people who considered you a friend, and they wouldn't find out?"

 

And in another case where something sorta like this happened a couple years later or so, a friend and I had a talk about it after I posted a couple of journal entries on Deviantart, and when we finally edged into the subject, she was kinda like, "I saw what you posted last night. I just didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if you meant for us to see that or not."

 

And inwardly, at the time, in both cases, (yes this will sound very, very immature and like a spoiled brat) one thing I thought in response, even if I never said it anywhere was, "HAHA joke's on you, I HAD EVERY INTENTION FOR YOU TO SEE THAT. IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS TRYING TO BE DISCREET IN ANY WAY YOU'RE STUPID."

 

......I'm not using this as an excuse, I'm really not, I'm just trying to explain, but.... well, part of the reason why I had this attitude back then was because my dad would do stuff like that all the time. (And I think part of it was because his own dad did that.)

 

I think... to the credit of the other individuals, maybe they were trying to give some benefit of the doubt that I couldn't possibly be *THAT* mean or vindictive, but... trust me, I was. And to some degree, maybe I still am, kinda? I don't know. I've just learned to control my temper more and I've learned to be more mature about some things.

 

I mean... I am responsible for my own attitude and my own actions no matter what, period. I'm just saying that there have been some areas where I seriously feel like I've been a victim of Monkey-See, Monkey-Do. And perhaps in some ways, my own dad might've been when he was a child as well.

 

 

 

............I have also noticed that I seem to get bent out of shape easily when... I'm not given attention or both quality/quantity attention when I want it or feel I need it. I just... feel like I need someone to be there with me all the time, and nobody can fill that void in my life. And if someone gets busy or needs some space or distance for a while, or if they get new stuff in their lives where they just can't be there for me as much as they once were (even if they do still want to be there for me sometimes when they can), I sorta give up on them, because they can't or won't be there at the drop of a hat.

 

Just... something I need to work on.

Edited March 6, 2017 by Tanyasinclair

[todreaminblue]

ok...as a writer ill often on my face book post poems...and yes i draw from experience and my friends how i feel about them to write the way i do ...but i dont set out to humiliate anyone im the opposite ill make it so obscure no one really gets it.....unless i explain words point by point.....these are my unexpressed emotions normally.....my poetry they take on an almost prayer like quality.....if i were to write something negative about someone......and someone said what a dick or something like that ...i would end up coming to that persons defense and make myself look really petty and stupid......i would come up with 100 for their good qualities just list them like yeah but he is also this or that.....

 

here is a poem i wrote it is a poem i wrote inspired by a male friend of mine

Beauty of a cocoon.....

when you see a wanderer butterfly,

on its fleeting journey flutter by,

so often people forget to see the beauty,

in the cocoon.

the coccoon and the butterfly were one,

spun together by silken thread,

a loving gods hands in creation

As one, the hidden butterfly grows wings

rests in safety,

warm, protected by steel in silk,

invisible to birds of prey,

then the cocoon

knows the exact time to let go,

the emerging butterfly unfurls,

gossamer wings and takes flight,

all eyes on the butterfly as it

dances across till out of sight,

on its graceful fleeting wanderer flight

no one looks back to see the cocoon

and thinks how beautiful it is

its form its strength its power to let go,

a masterpiece of strength and gentleness,

lets so softly go,

of something beautiful,

yesterday

I remembered

I saw what could be a cocoon,

and its beauty

unsurpassed

for butterflies by gods perfect design

cannot be a butterfly

without a cocoon.

Like people forget the cocoon

many butterflies become forgetful,

as they fall in love with their wings......

 

it was i feel me seeing beauty in this male friend .....beautiful women who miss out on who he is.....what he is about..think they may be above him.......i have written this from the perspective of the fat grub on the end of the leaf...being me.....who always wanted to feel like a butterfly in love with this cocoon who would never want her he only sees butterflies..... ....lol...yep obscure deb.....if i hadnt told you ..you would never know.....

 

thsi guy actually rejected me a long time ago ...ignores me ...has been at times ...mean.....but i love him anyway.....i unfriended him on facebook not because i hate him...but because i care too much.....and i cant be in a relationship where i dont get anything back......i wish him so much good.......pray for him every night....i cant wish him ill or do ill to him...but i do need to protect myself....i used to come on here and rant about my ex.......and have even written poems on facebook more directly to him.....but i dont have him as a friend in fact eh is one i have completely blocked from facebook...and is still blocked even though...we are now friends.....even when i wrote poems about my ex...my family dont even knwo it is about him.....i have only ever had to block and unfriend three people......my ex his affair partner and the cocoon......all for self preservation....

 

i find writing to be an outlet...when i have no other outlet......especially my poetry.......then i dont feel so mixed up about a person....and i can let go of bad feelings or even good ones that are bottled up and unshared........and move on..hurting people never makes anyone feel good...in the end..you should try poetry fi you like to write and do your thoughts in abstraction so your words dont hurt people who are your friends or make them uncomfortable which to me.....i cant handle making people uncomfortable i am th eoen who will feel it along with them,if i were to offend i would delete the offense and apologise.........i get an attack of the guilts if i go off online ....and feel like utter crap.......until i apologize..... even if they were mean to me...doesnt make it right if i am the same or try to bluff im the same back to them......its not how i like to be remembered....... i want people to feel good when they remember me.....even if they didnt like me..... they will remember i was one person ...who was always nice to them no matter the crap they lay on me.....deb

Edited March 6, 2017 by todreaminblue