Why is my boyfriend suddenly shutting everyone out?

[rebecca947]

I'm quite desperate right now. My boyfriend of 6 months is currently backpacking through Australia. He left two months ago and was planning on staying for around 10 months. I was planning on joining him this summer after saving up enough money. Everything was perfect.

 

But after a short while, he stopped saying that he misses me and that he loves me. But he stopped saying "I miss you" to his parents as well, probably some sort of defense mechanism because he doesn't want to seem weak and doesn't want to get homesick or something. We've been talking every single day and whenever we both had enough time on our hands (and a good wifi connection) we Facetimed or skyped.

 

Within the first 6 weeks, he had trouble finding a job, so most days he was bored, which led him to partying excessively EVERY single night. He spent hundreds of dollars on alcohol. Needless to say that I was worried and not really happy about this.

 

After 6 weeks, he decided to fly to Western Australia, because he FINALLY had a job offer over there. I was happy for him, because he could finally do what he went there for in the first place: earn money.

He was sure he wouldn't be able to party anymore, and since his new hostel is in middle of nowhere. He thought he'd get bored, so we would talk all day after he gets off work. He was sure he was going to hate this place and his job.

 

However, after his first night at the new hostel, everything seemed to have changed. He told me how great his new job is and how much fun he's having in this hostel. They're partying every night. They have alcohol en masse, which he pretty much doesn't have to pay for. Of course he loves this.

 

Then he hit me with some bad news: he wants to stay for 2 whole years, instead of "just" 10 months, because he's having SO much fun and he said something like "I'm living my life now".

 

Two days later, his behavior towards me started to change. It felt like he was trying to talk me out of coming to Australia??? He told me all about the negative sides, like waiting for what feels like forever for my tax file number or needing thousands of dollars on my bank account, just in case I won't be able to find a job right away. And of course I should focus on travelling instead of working. (it sounded like he wanted me to travel on my own?)

 

Then things started to get even weirder. He's shutting me out completely now. He doesn't text me anymore, he doesn't send me snaps on snapchat, etc. Just...nothing. He's barely online altogether anymore. Of course he can't text me when he's working, but when he gets back from work, he immediately starts drinking and hanging out with his new "mates".

Whenever I text him, asking about his job or how he's doing, he'll just say "good" and whenever I tell him something about my day he'll just be like "haha". Or he'll just say nothing at all.

 

Turns out, he's doing the same to his parents, brothers and close friends back home. He's shutting out everyone who's not in Australia with him. It's like he doesn't want anything to do with us anymore. Trying to talk to him is pointless, because when he's with his new "friends" (they're pretty much strangers???) he'll even ignore his beloved mother. Whenever his mom texts him, he'll tell her that he's busy.

 

I've tried not texting him as well. It's been 5 days now and I haven't heard from him.

 

Two days ago, he started smoking pot and started doing God knows what other drugs. He has NEVER done anything like this before, he was strictly against drug use. His family and I agree on the fact that this hostel is turning him into a completely different person. His new "friends" are a horrible influence.

 

I don't know what to do. I really don't want to break up with him. We were both sure we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and I truly love him. If he wanted to break up with me, he would have done so by now. If I could fly down there sooner, I would, because I know I could stop him from throwing his future away.

Has anyone ever experienced a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice?

[Pisipoisu]

Hey Rebecca. I havent been in a similar relationship as you, but I can give some insight what might be going on in his head since I also did 2 years in OZ and also multible hostels. Just a question. How old are you guys and what is he like back home. Does he party a lot there as well? Is he more like reserved? I can tell what i was like. I am quite a reserved guy. I open ul to people when I get comfortable amongst a group. I am a bit of an introvert but I've always wanted to socialise a bit more and meet new people. It was just my insecurities and set group of friends back home that held me back. No imagine, I got to OZ and met all these really sociable people from all over the world. There were parties every night and unless you wanted to be a hermit you partied with everyone else. And I was loving it, I felt part of the group and I could say I was living my youth years with a delay (was 24). I did the same that i didnt have much time for my friends or family back home because i was just so intoxicated with all the new friends, activities etc. Altho i didnt have a girlfriend im sure she would have got the same treatment as my family and friends. Now i want tk asure you its a phase. Its just all so new and exciting for him that he is just so overwhelmed. Looking back on myself I definitely shouldnt have pushed everyone out. At the time i thought that they wouldnt understand or relate since they werent there.

 

Now what i would recommend you do is that know he is just enjoyjng his life, especially if he is young, when you get him on skype then you can bring up the subject that you are concerned, but dont put too much pressure on him. Ask him about the parties and whats so fun about them. But try not to sound jeleous. If you have built a solid relatiknship and theres trust between you then you shouldnt be worried.

 

But yeah it just seems to me that he found siemthing he hasnt really experienced before and it is just overwhelming for him that everything else gets put on hold.

 

All the best and i hope he levels out soon

[niji]

We were both sure we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and I truly love him. If he wanted to break up with me, he would have done so by now. If I could fly down there sooner, I would, because I know I could stop him from throwing his future away.

 

Maybe you're sure, but it doesn't sound like he is. And how long have you both known each other? You said you've been together for 6 months. How long did you know him before getting together?

 

And no, I don't agree that you can change people. Changes come from within. We'd all like to think we're special and our bonds with person X are special and magical and will be able to "turn them around", but it rarely ever happens. Maybe he'll wake up one day and realizes what he's doing right now is a complete mess, but he'll have to realize that himself. As of now, if I were you, I'd have a talk with him, discuss your future, and if he doesn't stop his partying way (that results in neglecting everyone including you), then you have no reason to wait around for him. Don't lose respect for yourself.

[rebecca947]

Hey Rebecca. I havent been in a similar relationship as you, but I can give some insight what might be going on in his head since I also did 2 years in OZ and also multible hostels. Just a question. How old are you guys and what is he like back home. Does he party a lot there as well? Is he more like reserved? I can tell what i was like. I am quite a reserved guy. I open ul to people when I get comfortable amongst a group. I am a bit of an introvert but I've always wanted to socialise a bit more and meet new people. It was just my insecurities and set group of friends back home that held me back. No imagine, I got to OZ and met all these really sociable people from all over the world. There were parties every night and unless you wanted to be a hermit you partied with everyone else. And I was loving it, I felt part of the group and I could say I was living my youth years with a delay (was 24). I did the same that i didnt have much time for my friends or family back home because i was just so intoxicated with all the new friends, activities etc. Altho i didnt have a girlfriend im sure she would have got the same treatment as my family and friends. Now i want tk asure you its a phase. Its just all so new and exciting for him that he is just so overwhelmed. Looking back on myself I definitely shouldnt have pushed everyone out. At the time i thought that they wouldnt understand or relate since they werent there.

 

Now what i would recommend you do is that know he is just enjoyjng his life, especially if he is young, when you get him on skype then you can bring up the subject that you are concerned, but dont put too much pressure on him. Ask him about the parties and whats so fun about them. But try not to sound jeleous. If you have built a solid relatiknship and theres trust between you then you shouldnt be worried.

 

But yeah it just seems to me that he found siemthing he hasnt really experienced before and it is just overwhelming for him that everything else gets put on hold.

 

All the best and i hope he levels out soon

 

 

We're both 25 now. Back home he used to party every now and then, but at his new hostel he parties EVERY single night.

 

He's actually a really outgoing guy, but since his English is not perfect, he has been insecure for a while.

His behavior started to change 2 weeks ago, but he has been there for 8 weeks now. So I doubt he's overwhelmed

 

I would tell him about my concerns, but we don't skype anymore, let alone text...he's COMPLETELY ignoring me now.

[rebecca947]

Maybe you're sure, but it doesn't sound like he is. And how long have you both known each other? You said you've been together for 6 months. How long did you know him before getting together?

 

And no, I don't agree that you can change people. Changes come from within. We'd all like to think we're special and our bonds with person X are special and magical and will be able to "turn them around", but it rarely ever happens. Maybe he'll wake up one day and realizes what he's doing right now is a complete mess, but he'll have to realize that himself. As of now, if I were you, I'd have a talk with him, discuss your future, and if he doesn't stop his partying way (that results in neglecting everyone including you), then you have no reason to wait around for him. Don't lose respect for yourself.

 

Oh no, he is. Last time we talked he said that no matter how long he stays, he knows I'll be at home, waiting for him. And when he comes back home, we'll move in together. Maybe he's just TOO sure?

Before we started dating, we've been friends for almost two years. So I'd say, we know each other pretty well. (At least I thought we would?)

 

I was actually going to talk to him about what you mentioned today. I initiated a conversation, however, he ignored me once again. I'll try again in a couple of days, though.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you need to prepare yourself for this relationship ending.

 

He's obviously losing interest in you, in favour of his new life and his new friends. Him telling you he wants to stay a lot longer, discouraging you from coming and now ignoring you all indicate this isn't going to end well. You cannot be expected to carry on like this while he parties it up for hours on end with god knows who.

 

I would let this one go so you can find a guy who has the time and interest required to sustain a relationship. He's showing you where his priorities are, and unfortunately, you're not on the list.

[hippychick3]

Sorry, OP. It sounds like he has moved on from this relationship. From what you wrote, you only knew him for 4 months before he left, hardly enough time to really know someone.

 

He's a grown adult and has made his own choices that no longer involve you. There is nothing you can do or say to change his feelings towards you. For your own sake, forget about going there this summer, take the time to grieve the end of this short relationship, and move on and date someone who is local and plans to stay local. Let this guy go.

[preraph]

He's simply moved on with his life without you. This is really normal and to be expected with young people whose lives are changing rapidly and who are exploring. He has built a new life for himself, an exciting one, even if it doesn't always go smoothly.

 

He is becoming his own man. He doesn't want to be tied down to a long-distance relationship. He is no longer your LDR or boyfriend. I'm sorry it makes you sad, and the best remedy for that is for you to move forward with your life and get out into the world and do your own exploring separate from him. People outgrow their relationships when they're moving forward and you're standing still.

[Chris516]

OP, Since you mentioned him also shutting out his family, I don't think he has 'moved on'.

 

I think it has to do with his changing behavior towards, both you and his family.

 

You mentioned his trying Pot and partying nightly. He is probably doing something that is causing him to treat you, and his family, the same.

[justwhoiam]

I watch Border Security: Australia's Front Line, and boy they are strict there, about ANYTHING. Even use and possession of drugs are illegal there.

 

I do wonder:

- What kind of hostel is that? With heaps of drugs and alcohol (for free) for anybody at all times? It should be shut down.

- What kind of VISA did he get to look for a job when he barely knows the official language? And to be able to extend his VISA from 10 months to 2 years seamlessly?

- Also, seriously, he went there to make money?? You don't make money in a hostel. You get by to sustain yourself, travel around maybe, so that your trip is paid off. But making money? I don't think so.

 

If he's involved with drugs and an illegal worker, and they catch him, the risks at stake are extremely high for him. Permanent ban from entering the country being the lightest punishment... to life imprisonment.

[BaileyB]

You have dated this man for four months before he left for Australia. With all due respect, that's not enough time to really know someone and say that you were going to build a future together.

 

I really think you need to accept the fact that this relationship is ending. He is separating from you and making other decisions. And to be fair, he's making poor decision with the drugs and alcohol - do you really want to attach yourself to a man who doesn't communicate with you and abuses drugs and alcohol?

 

Whether he is shutting you and his family out or not, it is not really your problem to solve. He is an adult, capable of making his own decisions. I think you should let this go and try to find someone who is in a better place in their life to have a relationship.

 

Whatever you do, don't waste the best years of your life waiting for a man who has treated you with such little respect. Live your life, find someone else to date who will have the time and interest to spend time with you. Don't be stupid in love - don't wait for this guy to decide he is done with the party and come home to you... You deserve more than that.

 

Sorry

Edited March 6, 2017 by BaileyB