Cheating Wife might get sued, should I make a run for it?

[AngryGromit]

This is a little long, but I wanted to give some background first.

 

I've been married almost 11 years now, my Wife is a mental health therapist and has a private practice. I've always been an easy going kind of person and pretty open regarding sex. I've been to nude beaches to sun my buns dozens of times in the past, I've also was able to talk my Wife into going to a swingers club once, but it's something I couldn't get her to repeat. We haven't been without our issues in our marriage, last year we were going to marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better until one day she says she wants a separation. This isn't the first time she said this, two times in the past I was able to convince her we could work our issues out and things would get better if she gives it another chance, but this time I felt if this is what she wants, I'm not going to try and convince her otherwise. She moved out of the house after a few weeks for about two months and moved in with her female friend. Then one day she contacted me, wanted to meet where she pretty much begged me to take her back, that she made a horrible mistake. I agreed to take her back and get things another try. In the mean time her friend that she was living with was about to get evicted from the place she was living, she hasn't paid the mortgage in several years. My Wife asked if her female friend could move in with us for six months until she could get back on her feet. We have several unused bedrooms in the house, while I wasn't crazy about the idea, I agreed. Her friend moved in and stayed about a month before she inexplicably moved out again to the place she was living in. She claimed her mortgage was sold and the new company was going work with her to keep her house. Also she said living with other people wasn't something she could get used to, she found it too awkward. After her friend moved out, my Wife had a falling out with her, a lot of drama I will not get into, until my Wife found out her friend saw a lawyer and was thinking about suing her for malpractice.

 

See her friend was a former patient of my Wife and while technically she was suppose to wait two years after she was no longer a patient of hers before becoming her friend, it was really only a matter or a month or so. I read the ethic guidelines, and so long as there wasn't a sexual relationship involved, I really didn't think such a lawsuit had much merit. My Wife freaked out when she found this out, I really didn't understand why, far as I could see from reading the rules, while technically an ethics violation, it was a minor one, not something she could lose her license over and not something she could get sued for. My Wife was able to patch things up with her friend and all talk of a lawsuit was dropped.

 

Not long after, my Wife confessed to me that she has been having an affair with another women for almost a year. And she didn't confess to me over feeling guilty, she was pretty much forced to because her lover said she didn't want to be a secret anymore. And you can guess who her lover was, the same women she lived with when we were separated, the same one that lived in our house for a month, same that was thinking of filing a lawsuit against her. Now things made a lot of sense. She said she still loved me. thought she was bi-sexual and didn't want to lose me. I told her it wasn't a big deal, that I was perfectly OK sharing her with her lover. She could stay over her lover's house a two days a week and me the rest of the week. For the first few weeks things worked out great, we pretty much had sex every night she was home with me and she was getting emotional support and affection from her female lover. But after a few weeks her lover wasn't happy and wanted more time, so we added another night to when my Wife would stay over lovers house. Things were good again, for a few weeks, until her lover even wanted more time, So now she has Sunday night, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday until my Wife goes to work and any time where I go away for travel. My Wife feels trapped, for fear if she doesn't agree to whatever her "girlfriend" says, she will follow through with a lawsuit against her. She doesn't like someone having this kind of leverage against her. I'm beginning to realize that this isn't going to end well, that I might be better off without her. She F'd up BIG time, she could lose her license to practice and get sued for millions of dollars her malpractice insurance covers, maybe more. Her girlfriend really doesn't make enough money to rent an apartment, let alone pay her mortgage, sooner of later she is going to get foreclosed on and evicted, then were she going to live? She might get desperate and sue my Wife anyway for the money, or demand to be allowed to move in with us again. While I am enjoying the sex, the number of liabilities are adding up quick.

Edited March 6, 2017 by AngryGromit

[FoundMyStrength]

This is a little long, but I wanted to give some background first.

 

I've been married almost 11 years now, my Wife is a mental health therapist and has a private practice. I've always been an easy going kind of person and pretty open regarding sex. I've been to nude beaches to sun my buns dozens of times in the past, I've also was able to talk my Wife into going to a swingers club once, but it's something I couldn't get her to repeat. We haven't been without our issues in our marriage, last year we were going to marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better until one day she says she wants a separation. This isn't the first time she said this, two times in the past I was able to convince her we could work our issues out and things would get better if she gives it another chance, but this time I felt if this is what she wants, I'm not going to try and convince her otherwise. She moved out of the house after a few weeks for about two months and moved in with her female friend. Then one day she contacted me, wanted to meet where she pretty much begged me to take her back, that she made a horrible mistake. I agreed to take her back and get things another try. In the mean time her friend that she was living with was about to get evicted from the place she was living, she hasn't paid the mortgage in several years. My Wife asked if her female friend could move in with us for six months until she could get back on her feet. We have several unused bedrooms in the house, while I wasn't crazy about the idea, I agreed. Her friend moved in and stayed about a month before she inexplicably moved out again to the place she was living in. She claimed her mortgage was sold and the new company was going work with her to keep her house. Also she said living with other people wasn't something she could get used to, she found it too awkward. After her friend moved out, my Wife had a falling out with her, a lot of drama I will not get into, until my Wife found out her friend saw a lawyer and was thinking about suing her for malpractice.

 

See her friend was a former patient of my Wife and while technically she was suppose to wait two years after she was no longer a patient of hers before becoming her friend, it was really only a matter or a month or so. I read the ethic guidelines, and so long as there wasn't a sexual relationship involved, I really didn't think such a lawsuit had much merit. My Wife freaked out when she found this out, I really didn't understand why, far as I could see from reading the rules, while technically an ethics violation, it was a minor one, not something she could lose her license over and not something she could get sued for. My Wife was able to patch things up with her friend and all talk of a lawsuit was dropped.

 

Not long after, my Wife confessed to me that she has been having an affair with another women for almost a year. And she didn't confess to me over feeling guilty, she was pretty much forced to because her lover said she didn't want to be a secret anymore. And you can guess who her lover was, the same women she lived with when we were separated, the same one that lived in our house for a month, same that was thinking of filing a lawsuit against her. Now things made a lot of sense. She said she still loved me. thought she was bi-sexual and didn't want to lose me. I told her it wasn't a big deal, that I was perfectly OK sharing her with her lover. She could stay over her lover's house a two days a week and me the rest of the week. For the first few weeks things worked out great, we pretty much had sex every night she was home with me and she was getting emotional support and affection from her female lover. But after a few weeks her lover wasn't happy and wanted more time, so we added another night to when my Wife would stay over lovers house. Things were good again, for a few weeks, until her lover even wanted more time, So now she has Sunday night, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday until my Wife goes to work and any time where I go away for travel. My Wife feels trapped, for fear if she doesn't agree to whatever her "girlfriend" says, she will follow through with a lawsuit against her. She doesn't like someone having this kind of leverage against her. I'm beginning to realize that this isn't going to end well, that I might be better off without her. She F'd up BIG time, she could lose her license to practice and get sued for millions of dollars her malpractice insurance covers, maybe more. Her girlfriend really doesn't make enough money to rent an apartment, let alone pay her mortgage, sooner of later she is going to get foreclosed on and evicted, then were she going to live? She might get desperate and sue my Wife anyway for the money, or demand to be allowed to move in with us again. While I am enjoying the sex, the number of liabilities are adding up quick.

 

Okay, here's my take as someone who is the mental health care field and subject to the same ethics. This is such a huge violation, and one that should -- above and beyond any pain you must be feeling from the affair -- make you question your wife's status as a decent human being.

 

The two-year rule only applies in very extenuating circumstances. For instance, if I met with a patient once 15 years ago, ran into him today, forgot I met with him way back when, and accidentally got involved.

 

Barring situations like that, any therapist worth their salt will tell you that NO therapist should EVER have a romantic relationship or sex with a former or current patient. The reason is that working with a patient involves gaining intimate knowledge of their past, history, psychological make-up, their weaknesses, their hang-ups, their neuroses. All the things that could cause great harm to that person in a romantic relationship. It opens up the door to psychological manipulation, no matter how unintentional. And it places the mental health professional in a position of unequal power.

 

I don't know your wife. Maybe she's a stellar human being beyond this situation. But this situation speaks to a selfish person who prioritizes herself above the mental health of even her patients (or former patients). I'd distance yourself from her and situation if you can.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. These ethics rules are in place for a reason, and anyone who has ever worked in a professional field is well aware of the consequences of forming a friendship, business partnership, or romantic relationship with a former client.

 

I don't know your wife, but considering the poor choices she has made in her personal life, I really have to question her judgment on both a personal, and professional basis.

Nevermind the fact that she has chosen to have a personal relationship with someone who is fairly unstable and as her therapist, she obviously knew that... not a wise decision, for many reasons.

 

I will say, I would have been gone a long time ago... This is a train wreck waiting to happen and I'm not sure why you have tolerated her behavior for so long.

Edited March 6, 2017 by BaileyB

[bubbaganoosh]

Your fault. When she told you she cheated and it was with the same woman you opened your home to and now this other woman DEMANDS that your wife spend more time with her, and you let her, your fault.

 

Just because she's bi doesn't give her a free pass to pursue a lover on the side. Not to mention that she knew that she was doing something wrong buy first, having an affair and second, with her patient which it against the ethic rules.

 

It's one thing to experiment by you two going to a swingers club. You both agreed to it and if it works out well for the both of you then so be it.

 

The problem you have is your wife is using you for a safety net and your thinking more with your little head then the one on top of your shoulders and now you got a boat load of trouble.

 

You might have an out if your wife can prove that her lover is blackmailing her but still the ugly truth is still going to come out.

 

Comes down to this. Your wife is the one who stepped out of line and had the affair. That's on her. Second. She chose to have an affair with a patient and knew full well it was wrong and that's on her also. Third. If this goes into court and somehow the end result is you lose, then YOU will be paying for your wife's stupidity, lack of respect to you and extremely poor judgement. She owns it all so cut her loose and move on.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh but you chose to let her go off with this other woman so no doubt your going to get nailed to the cross too. Your fault.

[whichwayisup]

This is your wife's fault for getting involved with her outside of her medical practice. She was this woman's therapist and she made a huge HUGE mistake by allowing a sexual relationship to happen. That's ALL on your wife. With that said, this 'friend' is loopy and manipulative. She's blackmailing and threatening your wife so make sure your wife is recording ALL conversations with her and is documenting everything.

[aileD]

Do you love your wife? Do you want to grow old with her?

[AngryGromit]

Your fault. When she told you she cheated and it was with the same woman you opened your home to and now this other woman DEMANDS that your wife spend more time with her, and you let her, your fault.

 

I think your a little confused, there is only one women (besides my Wife) involved. There is no 2nd women. I guess my main concern here is if my Wife gets sued, can her legal issues affect me, ie if she gets personally sued, I would be responsible for any judgements levied against her since where married. She does practice under an LLC and has Malpractice insurance, I really don't know if legally she can be sued professionally and personally. I guess I should consult with an attorney if see if I have any exposure and if so how to protect myself.

 

Do you love your wife? Do you want to grow old with her?

 

I do, but I really don't want to be dragged down for mistakes she made. Her ethic violations happened almost a year before I was aware of them.

Edited March 6, 2017 by AngryGromit

[JS84]

You should have made a run for it awhile ago. After finding out about her "friend", what she did, and having her living with you under false pretenses I can't even believe you have to ask that question.

 

At the very least you should be talking to a divorce lawyer and going over your options. If your wife loses her license, which it sounds like she will, you could be on the hook for some serious alimony down the line.

[BaileyB]

I guess my main concern here is if my Wife gets sued, can her legal issues affect me, ie if she gets personally sued, I would be responsible for any judgements levied against her since where married. She does practice under an LLC and has Malpractice insurance, I really don't know if legally she can be sued professionally and personally. I guess I should consult with an attorney if see if I have any exposure and if so how to protect myself.

 

I do, but I really don't want to be dragged down for mistakes she made. Her ethic violations happened almost a year before I was aware of them.

 

That is a question for a lawyer. But, I don't know that it matter when you knew about the ethics violation. I would say that it only matters that there was an ethics violation and then, you need to learn whether you can be held legally responsible for any settlement, given the fact that you are married to the defendant...

[AngryGromit]

If your wife loses her license, which it sounds like she will, you could be on the hook for some serious alimony down the line.

 

Thank you, I haven't considered this. When we were thinking of separating before, alimony wasn't a concern since she earns just as much as I do a year and we have no children. If she loses her lively hood, alimony is a possibility.

[BaileyB]

Ever curious, but why would you even consider staying with a woman who has lied to you, cheated with another woman, moved this woman into your house, sacrificed time from your marriage to spend with this woman (who is demanding more of her time), and now may lose her professional license and her job because she may be charged with a serious ethics violation?

[Poutrew]

Holy God....

 

First. Your wife is this other woman's bitch. In a month or two, she will be her 24 hour live in slave. Your wife will be handing over her paycheck to her master, this woman. How will this affect you? Well, you will never see her again. Beyond the occasional phone call where you will hear your wife whine, in a low voice, "Help me", before her master cuts her off, you will never hear from her again. Your wife will not go against this woman because the possibility exists that she could be facing prison time for what she has done, beyond all the money she will owe this woman. That means she will also come after your assets, especially whatever is considered 'joint'. It could be that you will even wind up paying part of your paycheck over to the woman if the judge determines you have hidden assets.... look I understand your wife hid her sexuality from you, and you think you are a modern, open minded guy, who has no problems opening up the marriage and sharing your woman, but I really have to ask: Is it worth it?

 

If it were me, I'd cut my losses. Divorce the gal and just leave her to the hell she made. Maybe when the train wrecks, you will be far enough away by then to not get caught up in the fallout.

[camillalev]

So you were ok with this triangle until you realized she might get sued and now want to bolt to save your own a**? To be honest, you guys sound made for each other. Most posters will focus only on her actions but sounds like you are pretty implicit in this situation. Doesn't seem like you're very concerned with her infidelities(actually seems like you enjoyed it) or that that is really the issue for you at all(other than the other woman wants too much of her time), you're mostly concerned about the lawsuit and how it will effect you. Fair enough.

 

You should leave and probably should have left a long time ago.

Edited March 6, 2017 by camillalev

[AngryGromit]

First. Your wife is this other woman's bitch. In a month or two, she will be her 24 hour live in slave. .... Your wife will not go against this woman because the possibility exists that she could be facing prison time for what she has done, beyond all the money she will owe this woman.

 

Your response is almost comical. First off if a lawsuit is filed, her lover instantly loses all leverage against her. Why would you stay with someone who is suing you? Second this is a civil matter, my Wife can't go to prison over this. She can however lose her career, forcing her to switch professions. While she does have a masters degree, starting over at her age would be less than ideal.

 

So you were ok with this triangle until you realized she might get sued and now want to bolt to save your own a**?

 

This is pretty actuate. If I find out there no way a lawsuit came affect me, I'm perfectly OK with seeing how things play out. The cheating and infidelity really don't bother me that much, I guess if she cheated on me with another man I would think differently. My Wife is doing everything she can to keep me happy, so I'm not complaining. If I do exit stage left, I would want to do it in such a way to minimize financial obligations to me. We own a house together and have been thinking about selling it off and on for several years now. My Wife has been bugging me about selling the house for several years now, but I've resisted her until now. We are putting the house on the market this spring, without this obligation that I can't afford on my own, leaving whenever the mood strikes me becomes a whole lot easier.

Edited March 6, 2017 by AngryGromit

[NTV]

And she's making a big play for spousal support here.... if she loses her job because of this ethics violation her income is going to be 0 compared to yours.

 

My vote is to run very very very fast.

[TrustedthenBusted]

You are trying to please TWO women? Good luck with that.

[somanymistakes]

I'm fine with non-traditional arrangements. If your wife had told you honestly what was going on and asked for your approval to take a lover, and to have that lover move in, and you were all cool with that, great. But she's lied to you repeatedly and violated her own professional ethics and you generally give the impression of... not caring all that much?

 

Obviously things sometimes come across strangely online, but it feels like you're not very emotionally invested in her, and just putting up with her as this strange creature that wanders in and out of your life, causing trouble and occasionally providing sex. I'm not sure that's the best groundwork for a marriage.

 

Even if she avoids being sued in this instance - and as discussed, the lover is probably more interested in controlling her with the threat of it than in actually doing it, unless she gets dumped and has nothing else to lose - the patterns of behavior so far make it seem probable that your wife might drag other kinds of trouble into your life without warning you about them either. And that's not a true marriage.

 

In your state, is it possible to get a divorce and still live together? You might see if she's up for pulling back to a less legally-entangled relationship (you could even phrase it as giving her her freedom).

[NTV]

I've been thinking about your post all day.... and I think there was something that I left unsaid. Your wife is not a helpless victim here. But it seems like she's manipulated you into thinking she is. She prolly manipulated this other lady shes seeing too. If she can play the victim role that convincingly to you after you've known her all these years.... well she'll probably have a judge wrapped around her finger.

 

I vote get out quick but do so with the utmost caution. This lady is dangerous.

[BaileyB]

Oh yeah, she deserves to lose her license for engaging in a sexual affair with a client just a few months after their professional relationship ended.

 

The other woman clearly has her own mental health issues and now she has decided to go after your wife... Nice!

 

And you, are considering staying with a woman who lied to you about having an affair and moving the other woman into your home. It's just, crazy.

 

I'm all for an open marriage as long as there is honesty, trust, and communication between both partners. You have none of those things, so I would say that you will deserve what you get if you chose to stay.

[aileD]

Get divorced. You don't care enough about your wife to stay even if she didn't have the threat of being sued. Plus she doesn't care enough about you to stay faithful

 

Lawsuit or not, it's time to call it a day.

[AngryGromit]

I'm feeling conflicted on what to do, I really love my Wife, but she continues to make bad decisions. I told her we should contact a lawyer and see what our expose is and what our best moves are to protect ourselves.

 

Well she calls the State Counseling board "anonymously" and asks them what the limitation on suing a therapist is, and someone tells her it's two years from when you start counseling. She feels reassured that her girlfriend/lover can not do anything to her and ended the relationship.

 

First off everyone has caller ID, if she called with her own phone, anonymously or not, her name is on caller ID, unless she used a pay phone or purchased a prepaid cell phone with cash, it's really not an anonymous call. And second, so your saying that if your seeing a counselor for at least two years, they can manipulate you to steal your money, have sex with you, abandon you with complete immunity? I'm sure either the person she was talking to misunderstood the question, or just doesn't know, but instead of waiting to get sound legal advise, she makes decisions on someone who was probably just a secretary with the state board that has no clue.

 

So I still don't know what our expose is legally to a potential lawsuit and now she has a pissed off ex-girlfriend. Things just keep getting better, I think it's time to bail. My Wife continues to make decisions that could affect the both of us without consulting with me.

[FoundMyStrength]

I'm feeling conflicted on what to do, I really love my Wife, but she continues to make bad decisions. I told her we should contact a lawyer and see what our expose is and what our best moves are to protect ourselves.

 

Well she calls the State Counseling board "anonymously" and asks them what the limitation on suing a therapist is, and someone tells her it's two years from when you start counseling. She feels reassured that her girlfriend/lover can not do anything to her and ended the relationship.

 

First off everyone has caller ID, if she called with her own phone, anonymously or not, her name is on caller ID, unless she used a pay phone or purchased a prepaid cell phone with cash, it's really not an anonymous call. And second, so your saying that if your seeing a counselor for at least two years, they can manipulate you to steal your money, have sex with you, abandon you with complete immunity? I'm sure either the person she was talking to misunderstood the question, or just doesn't know, but instead of waiting to get sound legal advise, she makes decisions on someone who was probably just a secretary with the state board that has no clue.

 

So I still don't know what our expose is legally to a potential lawsuit and now she has a pissed off ex-girlfriend. Things just keep getting better, I think it's time to bail. My Wife continues to make decisions that could affect the both of us without consulting with me.

 

The 2 years your wife heard on the phone is suspiciously identical to the 2 years specified in the APA ethics code. That one refers to the time between when you end therapy with a patient and when you have sex/relationship with the person. Under extenuating circumstances, if you have sex or a relationship with a patient >2 years after therapy ends, you MIGHT be able to get away with not having license revoked. Even then, I imagine there would be some form of censure, such as having the license temporarily suspended.

 

Besides, the ethics board is not a legal agency. What you really need to do is consult with a lawyer, who knows the legal precedent in this area and can advise you about the possibility of a lawsuit.

 

Either way, this is not just a bad decision. This is, literally, the worst ethical violation that someone in mental health can commit. It's usurious, manipulative, and selfish. Like I said, I don't know your wife, but if I found out someone I knew did this, or anything close to it, I would seriously question their entire moral outlook.

Edited March 15, 2017 by FoundMyStrength

[aileD]

Maybe it's better off if your wife DOES get her license revoked.

 

She doesn't seem qualified to be anyone's therapist and she DID break the rules. Why is everyone trying to cover it up.

 

Her lack of morals in breaking the rules suck, as do her lack of morals in trying to slither her way out of responsibility for her actions

Edited March 15, 2017 by aileD

[AngryGromit]

Besides, the ethics board is not a legal agency.

 

Actually what she did is a crime in 26 states and can be sent to prison for it. She just happens to live in one of the states it's not currently a crime.

 

 

... if you have sex or a relationship with a patient >2 years after therapy ends, you MIGHT be able to get away with not having license revoked.

 

 

Some of the states have license violations posted online, I've read a lot of cases, and therapists have lost there license for a lot less.

Edited March 15, 2017 by AngryGromit

[Cephalopod]

If I were you I would bail: 1) because she's a cheater, and 2) because she lacks both ethics and morals.