Why do men make me feel awful about myself while trying to sleep with me?

[banquetee]

Tbh I consider stop trying anything romantically because men have totally messed with my self-worth. When I was in middle school boys said I was ugly as sin. Then later in life, men started to send mixed messages. For instance, there's one dude friend who has making me feel unattractive for years, then recently it turns out he has wanted to sleep with me, and I suspect be with me romantically. My ex at first was always praising my look, then he started acting like I was very unattractive (commenting that I was too tall, too thin, reminded him of a tree, and my hair was not pretty or something like that). At first I had thought he was just trying to tease me, then when I realized that I was just a rebound, I'm not so sure.

 

IDK. After all of my past experiences, I kinda resent and hate men. It's not even conscious most of the time. I don't go through my day simmering at men, but when I hear a guy I know has troubles with his wife for instance, I can't help but smile a little.

[d0nnivain]

You are looking in the wrong places for validation. How do you feel about yourself? That is the only measure that matters.

 

 

Boys called me ugly in school too. I'm not but kids are mean.

 

 

Do what you need to do to feel better about yourself. Dress nicely. Wear make up (or don't). Get a hairstyle you love. Hit the gym. There are healthy benefits not just superficial ones too.

[banquetee]

No, I'm not actually insecure about my look. One of the first things men usually compliment me on is actually my look. I was wondering why I always attract men who treat me terribly. My ex was attracted to me solely because of my appearance (I know that because he literally knew or cared for nothing else about me), but after the initial round of "you're so pretty" etc, he started these conversations where he go "oh you're so ugly" in a joking manner, and if I didn't seem bothered, he got kinda quietly mad??? He's just one of those men who try to bring me down like that after first complimenting me. Like I don't object demurely enough? These men love it when a pretty girl goes "oh how ugly I am, how fat," etc. I am disturbed by the fact that they seem to gravitate toward me and wonder how I can change that.

[RecentChange]

I often say we choose who we allow into our lives.

 

It could be that D bags are attracted to you..... But you are also the one dating, and choosing to interact with them etc.

 

Personally, on some levels I suppose I have a bit of an over inflated ego (I don't think I am pretty, but I do think I am pretty bright and have a lot to offer) - and I tend to pick out the negging (look it up) jerks on first meeting. I don't need that type of BS in my life, so I don't allow it.

 

I would say something is going on where you aren't picking up on their subtle crap - it's once they ramp it up that you realize that they are a jerk.

[mightycpa]

I was wondering why I always attract men who treat me terribly.

One thing's for sure. It's something you are doing, whether you know it or not.

[basil67]

My guess is that you're either missing signs of them being D bags....or you've seen signs and given them more chances.

 

Those same guys will try it on other women too, but as Recent Change said, a lot of women will recognise it straight up and end contact with the guys immediately.

[dichotomy]

My impression of some "players" is that they tend towards challenging or questioning a woman's "value". It might not be exactly mean, but I think its away to place themselves as a catch - or that the woman needs to prove herself.

 

I have seen women do this as well to men.

 

Besides telling them to F off - you might want to learn to swing back hard (not literally).

[curiouslysearching]

Tbh I consider stop trying anything romantically because men have totally messed with my self-worth. When I was in middle school boys said I was ugly as sin. Then later in life, men started to send mixed messages. For instance, there's one dude friend who has making me feel unattractive for years, then recently it turns out he has wanted to sleep with me, and I suspect be with me romantically. My ex at first was always praising my look, then he started acting like I was very unattractive (commenting that I was too tall, too thin, reminded him of a tree, and my hair was not pretty or something like that). At first I had thought he was just trying to tease me, then when I realized that I was just a rebound, I'm not so sure.

 

IDK. After all of my past experiences, I kinda resent and hate men. It's not even conscious most of the time. I don't go through my day simmering at men, but when I hear a guy I know has troubles with his wife for instance, I can't help but smile a little.

 

 

first, your ex was/is an absolute TOOL...never degrade or demean another person under any circumstances....

you need to date an entirely different breed of men

[spiderowl]

Some guys might tease to try to get a reaction but don't actually mean anything offensive by it. It means they have noticed you and want your attention. That can be a good sign. It's a bit like boys pulling the pigtails of the girl sitting in front of them on the school bus. It doesn't mean you are ugly, just that they are interested.

 

If any guy does say offensive things to you about your looks, it tells you one very important thing: that guy has no manners, no consideration, and is not worthy of you. A guy with good manners would never dream of saying such things to a woman. You are just mixing with wrong guys. You need to filter out the guys who are rude. I wonder what social circle you are mixing in? It's certainly nothing like the one I mix in, where people would not treat each other like that.

 

I think you need to assume that the problem is your social circle and not you. It is nothing to do with the way you look. If you ignore and filter out the guys who are rude, you will be left with the decent guys. Don't tolerate anyone insulting you for a second. Walk way. Consider making new friends and finding a new social circle, maybe through joining a hobby club or going to different venues.

 

It is no wonder you feel so demoralised as it sounds like you have been treated very badly by guys. You deserve so much better. How did you meet these guys? How did they end up in relationships with you? Think of what you want in a man and refuse to engage with any guy who displays negative qualities.

Edited March 16, 2017 by spiderowl

[preraph]

First, you need to make boundaries and not let those guys who try to put you down stay in your life at all. They do that to try to make you feel they are better than you, because they want to sleep with you and they actually have low self-esteem and know you're too good for them. So just cut those off and any other red flags, such as anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself!

[curiouslysearching]

Never let anyone's actions or lack thereof define you or make you

see yourself as anything less than amazing.....

[banquetee]

Wow, thanks for the replies, guys. There have been days that I get so mad at myself for getting involved with such terrible guys. When I look back, the signs were absolutely there. They always started off gently teasing me while complimenting me in abundance. And the other warning sign is that they speak VERY meanly of women whom they deem as not attractive enough. For instance, in private my ex spoke very lowly of any girl who had a crush on him or women whom he saw as fat or unattractive. This was an unsavoury character trait that I foolishly chalked up to being an abberance as he seemed quite nice otherwise. Now I see that that was really who he was, and the nice part was just playacting that got too exhausting for him after a while. When he saw that I was not just a dumb girl waiting to be bossed around, he started saying the same nasty things about me to me too. In a way, I almost feel sorry for men like these, because they're such little cowards that they can't feel powerful until they manage to hurt women.

 

Now, after all of these experiences, I don't even know what a kind and respectful man even looks like, and if he even exists where I live, but I do know that being single is way better than trying to make it work with controlling d-bags.

Edited March 19, 2017 by banquetee

[Sweetfish]

Wow, thanks for the replies, guys. There have been days that I get so mad at myself for getting involved with such terrible guys. When I look back, the signs were absolutely there. They always started off gently teasing me while complimenting me in abundance. And the other warning sign is that they speak VERY meanly of women whom they deem as not attractive enough. For instance, in private my ex spoke very lowly of any girl who had a crush on him or women whom he saw as fat or unattractive. This was an unsavoury character trait that I foolishly chalked up to being an abberance as he seemed quite nice otherwise. Now I see that that was really who he was, and the nice part was just playacting that got too exhausting for him after a while. When he saw that I was not just a dumb girl waiting to be bossed around, he started saying the same nasty things about me to me too. In a way, I almost feel sorry for men like these, because they're such little cowards that they can't feel powerful until they manage to hurt women.

 

Now, after all of these experiences, I don't even know what a kind and respectful man even looks like, and if he even exists where I live, but I do know that being single is way better than trying to make it work with controlling d-bags.

 

 

Prior to you knowing the men... what are their personality traits... what makes you selected one guy over the other

[harrybrown]

Ouch.

 

Hurts to be a male.

 

maybe some of us are not too mean. that is why some of us have problems and have to read books about no more nice guy.

 

So be careful, not all males are mean, just like not all ladies are mean and cheaters.

 

Hope you find what you are looking for, but try a different place to meet guys.

 

One of my friends met his wife when he want to help clean up from a natural disaster. So get involved with your hobbies, and maybe you will find someone nice.

 

Good luck to you.

[banquetee]

Prior to you knowing the men... what are their personality traits... what makes you selected one guy over the other

 

 

At first they all treated me well and were very encouraging and sympathetic regarding my family problems. I have sort of a womanizer dad and a crazy mother (she refuses therapies, but I do believe she has some type of personality disorder). I was very vulnerable to the advances of men who seemed to listen well and helped me with my psychological issues. I know now, that in the case of my ex, for instance, he felt contempt toward me because in his head these psychological problems that I had proved that I was weak. He only appeared sympathetic and helpful because he wanted to sleep with me.

 

Ever since I cut men out of my life, except for my dad, I have found that the real support comes from female friends and the need for male love has sort of evaporated. I live in a very patriarchal society, which has not taught grown men to relate to women beyond their functions as mothers and wives. I do feel that with a few exceptions these men can only fake sympathies and care, and real love is not something they're capable of.

[todreaminblue]

some men will purposely make a woman feel less than what they are so they can bed them....confuse the target make them vulnerable to a change of tactic........its predatory.......its called negging its a form of manipulation and good men...dont do it...its a pua techinque..treat them mean keep them keen.....deb

[Shanex]

IDK. After all of my past experiences, I kinda resent and hate men. It's not even conscious most of the time. I don't go through my day simmering at men, but when I hear a guy I know has troubles with his wife for instance, I can't help but smile a little.

 

Then you have deeper issues.

 

'Smile a little about guys you know having troubles with their wives' so are they friends of yours? Nice thinking and mentality.

 

Are you looking for support from a misandrist crowd here? Because for the better there aren't many here.

[Sweetfish]

At first they all treated me well and were very encouraging and sympathetic regarding my family problems. I have sort of a womanizer dad and a crazy mother (she refuses therapies, but I do believe she has some type of personality disorder). I was very vulnerable to the advances of men who seemed to listen well and helped me with my psychological issues. I know now, that in the case of my ex, for instance, he felt contempt toward me because in his head these psychological problems that I had proved that I was weak. He only appeared sympathetic and helpful because he wanted to sleep with me.

 

Ever since I cut men out of my life, except for my dad, I have found that the real support comes from female friends and the need for male love has sort of evaporated. I live in a very patriarchal society, which has not taught grown men to relate to women beyond their functions as mothers and wives. I do feel that with a few exceptions these men can only fake sympathies and care, and real love is not something they're capable of.

 

Hmmm. This is very complex statement and I understand your view point. I see a lot of things going on here. Its understandable the path you have taken. The agrument among genders is a two way street.

 

Have you done therapy or talk to anyone? Expressing your problems or having random guys get into your head in regards of your mental health and using it as a passage to bed you may be your core problem as men with poor social skills and low self esteem will see you as a target.

 

So its not that all men are bad... its that you given the right scent to the wrong people.

 

I agree you should pause on your interaction with men and determine to build your self and seek a proper direction in the future mentally and fiscally.

 

The right guy is there... your just not ready... how old are you?

[banquetee]

"Men with poor social skills and low self-esteem" sounds about right. But it is one thing to have poor social skills and low self-esteem, and another entirely to be emotionally abusive and, in some cases, bat**** insane.

 

I'm 23. I have poor social skills to be honest, but I never insult another person or deliberately say hurtful things. While I'm far from perfect, I really cannot tolerate anymore "tough love" in the form of insults like "your mother was right to beat you", or "everybody hates you" (no, everybody does not). Because of the history of mother's abuse, I may have come across as a wounded thing to be preyed upon.

[WaitingForBardot]

"Men with poor social skills and low self-esteem" sounds about right. But it is one thing to have poor social skills and low self-esteem, and another entirely to be emotionally abusive and, in some cases, bat**** insane.

 

I'm 23. I have poor social skills to be honest, but I never insult another person or deliberately say hurtful things. While I'm far from perfect, I really cannot tolerate anymore "tough love" in the form of insults like "your mother was right to beat you", or "everybody hates you" (no, everybody does not). Because of the history of mother's abuse, I may have come across as a wounded thing to be preyed upon.

That is not tough love, it is verbal abuse.

[SpiralOut]

There's a term for this: "negging."

 

Guys who do this think they can't get you unless they knock you down and get you to think less of yourself. If you think less of yourself, you'll believe you deserve less from a partner (how they treat you, how attracted you feel to them, etc).

[spiderowl]

You need to teach guys how to treat you by calling them out on their behaviour and refusing to engage with them until they improve. You might be right in that your local patriarchical society might be partly responsible. For these guys to change, they need to see that you have standards and that for them to have you as a girlfriend they have to respect you. Any decent guy would want a woman that they respect so you have nothing to lose here - you turn away the guys who do not treat you well and are left with the ones who can learn and are respectful.

[banquetee]

I have realized something about the old relationship: I never really loved him. I sought validation and care from him, but felt always that I were lowering my standards to be with him. That was why his devaluation hurt so much- as I had come to depend on his validation as my self-esteem had been destroyed by the abuse I suffered. I had sought out an abusive man to relive the pain of having been abused. What a vicious cycle.

 

This means that I had never really been in love with someone before. Is that weird for someone my age? My emotional development might have been stunted somewhere along the way. It hurts to think about this too much, but if I just ignore the problem, I become very depressed.