Secured Long-Term Relationsihp vs. Unconditional Love Affair

[MissPatikan]

I'd like to introduce myself as Len. I am 26-year old and I am married to an engineer who currently works in Saudi. We have been married for 2 years already but we've been having this relationship for 8 years and we have been blessed with a 5-year old daughter. He used to physically, emotionally, and mentally abuse me when we were still young but right now he has refrained from doing it again. I can say I am happy with my husband and he has been supporting me and our daughter to the fullest. I know that he loves me and he would do everything for me. Though there was a time that our relationship hit a bad turn, it started on November 2015, I overheard some rumors about him having an affair with his workmate and he kept on saying that it wasn't true. I refused to believe him and told him that I wanted to file an annulment but he wouldn't let me.

 

I desperately wanted someone to talk to and comfort me, that's when I met a 42-year old man into my life, let's call him Chris. He comforted me from my loneliness, helped me forget the heartaches, and we both fell in love. I can tell that he really loves me based on all the efforts he had done. He knows that I am married and I haven't been annulled with my husband yet he is willing to wait for me until the very end. He is already divorced with his ex-wife and they had 3 children together. Some of his family relatives and friends already know about us but on my side, only my sisters, friends know, and I even told my husband about us but still he wouldn't agree with having an annulment.

 

I really love the man I am currently having an affair with, I cannot afford to lose him and I do not want to leave him after all that he has done for me. Last December 2016, I had a talk with my husband and he persuaded me about us having a new start. He told me that the rumors about him were really not true. I told him about the affair that I had and he told me he has forgiven me. I was already okay with losing my husband but after our talk, my feelings for him went back, I did not want to lose him either, I'm not really sure if it's because I still love him or because I wanted to feel secure.*

 

Now, I am currently two-timing with the both of them. I am aware about my wrong-doings, but still I cannot help myself. I decided to keep my marriage with my husband maybe because of financial and emotional assurance and I decided not to stop my affair because I would feel guilty about leaving him and the fact that I love him and do not want to lose him.

 

Right now, Chris is here in the city where I live in for his vacation. We are not living together because of my security purposes. He is currently busy with his children and relatives which makes me jealous most of the time. Though he is trying his best to be with me when he can, I just cannot help my jealousy over them.

 

Now I am what I should do with these feelings I have for my husband and the man I am having an affair with. I love my husband because we have been together for a very long time, I know him and he knows me very well, although there are times he doesn't treat me with respect. He shouts at me occasionally, the way he used to abuse me way back. I love Chris for he has done everything for me and has not given up with our relationship, he treats me with respect, what my husband lacks, he has. I am having a hard time weighing my feelings for them.

[todreaminblue]

hey miss patikan ...im not going to berate you..you know how wrong it is....the guilt you must feel would be overwhelming......the confusion supreme.....

 

you know what you have to do ...you have to choose.....one man.....you have to be truthful to both fo them and come clean for your own mental health.....the best way to deal with this is to think how would you feel if ti were your husband or this affair partner who has no respect for your marriage or you really but that's besides the point.....and is my personal bias already for your husbands welfare and you......the welfare of your marriage....

 

if your husband decides to give you a shot at redemption take it...you need and your husband needs extensive counselling to get over this major blow to your relationship and trust issues are going to be huge.....

 

 

your marriage is worth saving.....but not if you are doing it for financial security your husband deserves more than that....he gave you a chance already....a lot of men wouldnt do that.....you have to choose who you truly love....im hoping its your husband he means more to you than just security.....that you see having a family together and honoring your vows to love through good and bad sticks with you.....

 

you have to let one man go.....i hope the decision you make is one you really really pray about......good luck...deb

Edited March 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somanymistakes]

Now, I am currently two-timing with the both of them. I am aware about my wrong-doings, but still I cannot help myself. I decided to keep my marriage with my husband maybe because of financial and emotional assurance and I decided not to stop my affair because I would feel guilty about leaving him and the fact that I love him and do not want to lose him.

 

You can help yourself. You are not helpless. This is a choice you are making, not something you cannot help.

 

In the very short term, yes, it can be extremely difficult to leave, especially if you have no resources of your own. But you have had time to work on this. You've been involved in this tangled situation for - over a year? That's enough time for you to make plans, get a job (or a better job), start saving, etc. And if you really haven't been doing any of that, start now. Because you may STILL lose the 'financial security' of your husband if he finds out what's going on and leaves you - or just leaves on a whim for anger, or if he really does pursue someone else while you're so distant.

 

As for emotional security, you don't have that with your husband. He's been abusive in the past, he's distant now, and you're not treating him with respect and honesty. You think that's going to turn out well?

 

You're juggling, and you're probably going to end up dropping both eggs.

 

Only you know whether your relationship with your husband is really worth keeping, but if it is, you can't keep going on like you are, because it WILL blow up in your face.

 

 

(Also, I'm confused that you keep saying annulled - isn't that impossible if you have a child together? I thought anullment required saying that the marriage was never consummated.)

[aileD]

There is no such thing as unconditional love in the realm of an affair. Affairs are selfish by nature. Unconditional love would let you go free and understand they couldn't be with you because you are committed elsewhere. Unconditional love doesn't encourage you to be a cheater and throw your morals in the trash.

 

Also you are comparing apples and oranges. A secure long term relationship is PAST the infatuation stage that the affair lives in.

 

The best thing to do is break off the affair so you have a clear mind then decide if you want your marriage or not even when there is no one else waiting.

[Ronni_W]

I even told my husband about us but still he wouldn't agree with having an annulment.

So...your husband won't let you out of your marriage and, thus, your husband has actually given his tacit approval for you to keep staying involved with your affair partner.

Is that your understanding of your life as it is right now?

 

If that's the case, will your husband let you go live with 'Chris'? If so, do that while still remaining technically/legally married to your husband.

 

If that's not the case. Do you think that your husband has become more abusive (again), because of this situation that you yourself have created by having an affair? If so, then you need to stop the affair because the abuse most likely will escalate.

 

Keep the psychological and spiritual welfare and well-being of your children utmost in your mind, and then do what you must for your own psychological and spiritual welfare and well-being - as far as it is within your power under your situation, customs and traditions.

 

Wishing you the best.

[seren]

Most long term secure relationships start out as unconditional love, the early days feeling of a relationship is easier to maintain than the day to day stuff a long term relationship brings to the table. Not saying the OM doesn't love you, but I would question how you can say you love them both, albeit differently, with each giving you different things. Love, to me, is the opposite of looking at what a person gives you, it is what you are prepared to give them. Not telling Chris the truth isn't giving him an informed choice, so he is waiting believing your marriage is A when it is in fact B, so straight off the bat he is conducting the relationship with the blinkers you have put on him.

 

Long term relationships can be comfy, familiar, samey, no flutters when you are getting ready to meet, no hiding and stealing moments, it is hard to sustain the early days feelings, but, in my experience, it develops into enduring love that can sustain a tsunami and still remain strong. Leaving a marriage is hard, it is scary, it has no guarantees that things will work out, but staying in one where lying and deceit are the foundations must be far worse.

 

What would Chris say if he knew the truth? Would he still offer unconditional love? TBH, I think the best thing is to be honest with yourself, stay or go, then make plans, at the very least be honest with the men in your life, they believe you are offering different things to which they are getting. As for the abuse in your marriage, leave, right now, you have a child and no child should grow up or witness an abusive relationship between their parents, no matter your needs, the child's needs trump everything. I hope you sort it out soon x