What are your thoughts on commitment?

[Ali7]

Everyone knows that physical intimacy with another person outside a monogamous relationship is considered cheating. And chasing after another person crosses the line also. But do thoughts and desires also matter? When you think of the word "commitment" what comes to mind? How committed do you wish your significant other to be? How committed do you tend to be to your significant other? Do women and men tend to expect different degrees of commitment?

[mikeylo]

Have you ever been in a committed relationship? It works both ways . Equal commitment from both partners. That is the only way a relationship will be successful.

[d0nnivain]

Everyone knows that physical intimacy with another person outside a monogamous relationship is considered cheating. And chasing after another person crosses the line also. But do thoughts and desires also matter? When you think of the word "commitment" what comes to mind? How committed do you wish your significant other to be? How committed do you tend to be to your significant other? Do women and men tend to expect different degrees of commitment?

 

 

 

Physical intimacy with all sorts of people is NOT cheating. Cheating is promising somebody they are the only one you are dating / having sex with and then having those behaviors with somebody else.

 

 

 

 

I fully expect that my husband & I are monogamous & exclusive. Public flirting doesn't bother me. Private touching is a deal breaker.

 

 

When I was in college I wanted nothing to do with exclusivity, monogamy or commitment.

[ZayKayWill]

I agree pretty much with d0nnavain. The fine line to draw when it comes to emotional cheating is *very* hard to ascertain. I think when it comes down to it, if you have say a friend who is of the opposite sex and isn't your partner and you end up having a more emotional relationship with this person than your S.O. then that's emotional cheating. So telling them your inner most secrets, flirting, spending more time with them than your S.O. would be grounds for emotional cheating. That's not to say that you can't do any of that stuff with other friends, but if it gets to the point where you're doing it more than you are currently doing with your S.O., then that's when there's a problem. Because at that point, the person that you're doing these things with become more significant to you than your significant other. You're basically building a relationship on the side while still being with your current partner, and that's not fair to them. If it does end up getting to that point, best thing to do is either break up with your current partner and get with that person or just stop talking to that other person altogether or maybe just don't hang out with them too much.

[spiderowl]

If I had a significant other who I felt was the one for me, I would be totally committed. Rather, I would not be interested in anyone else. I can't focus on more than one person and if someone is that special to me, everyone else will be friends or acquaintances.

 

I don't know if men expect more commitment than women or vice versa. Men tend to expect exclusivity from women, even though they might offer no commitment themselves. I presume this is a biological instinct. It can seem unfair because women tend to interpret exclusivity as commitment, not just that he does not want them sleeping with another guy.

 

Commitment is often thought of as something external - like engagement or marriage or something - but the most powerful forms of commitment are internal, in the soul.

Edited March 6, 2017 by spiderowl

[Ali7]

When you say that you would be totally committed and not interested in anyone else, does this exclude physically desiring the opposite sex?... Physically wishing to be intimate with them? I really liked what you said about commitment being internal, in the soul.! Does imply one's thoughts and mental desires for another?

[Ali7]

I have. I tend to be feel I am committed to my partner to a fault which is why I am posting this question on commitment.

[ZayKayWill]

When you say that you would be totally committed and not interested in anyone else, does this exclude physically desiring the opposite sex?... Physically wishing to be intimate with them? I really liked what you said about commitment being internal, in the soul.! Does imply one's thoughts and mental desires for another?

 

Like a few of us have already said, there really is no way to separate physical desire for other people. The only way you would be able to do that would be to take someone's eyes out of their sockets and make them blind. It's all a matter of whether or not you choose to act upon those temptations/desires. It would be very unrealistic to assume that our partner ONLY fantasized about us and only us from a time. If it was a sin to physically desire anyone we found attractive we'd all be going to hell.

[spiderowl]

When you say that you would be totally committed and not interested in anyone else, does this exclude physically desiring the opposite sex?... Physically wishing to be intimate with them? I really liked what you said about commitment being internal, in the soul.! Does imply one's thoughts and mental desires for another?

 

I think when you are committed to someone and desire them, any thoughts of desiring others would be transient and not acted upon. It is possible to find others attractive but I am the kind of person who bonds with one. I would put others mentally at a distance.

 

It is possible to be committed to the wrong person if you feel so drawn towards them. I do think commitment happens deep in the mind and soul and that it is not under our control. I suspect this is why some end up in affairs.

[carhill]

Survey says:

 

Everyone knows that physical intimacy with another person outside a monogamous relationship is considered cheating

Yeah, if one's partner/spouse considers it inappropriate and one is deceptive in the act, that meets the barrier.

And chasing after another person crosses the line also.

Again, up to one's partner/spouse as to what they consider inappropriate and whether deception is involved or not.

But do thoughts and desires also matter?

I think they have traction in the process when examining one's own commitment but thoughts and feelings, unless and until expressed, are unknown to all but oneself. They may be, or are, even unknown to another person who one has such thoughts about or feelings for. Still, reflection IMO is healthy.

When you think of the word "commitment" what comes to mind?

Making a choice to follow certain boundaries one sets up for themselves voluntarily.

How committed do you wish your significant other to be?

As committed as they freely choose and not one iota more.

How committed do you tend to be to your significant other?

When I was married, for many years, I had eyes for no other, even in the everyday sense. The boundary slipped to no actions with others, but thoughts, late in the M when things went decidely downhill. The solid boundary was sexual relations. That's not part of my MO. Those only happen in committed relationships and if I'm married I can't be committed to anyone else.

Do women and men tend to expect different degrees of commitment?

IDK, I've seen the gamut, both in what people themselves do and what they expect of others. That milieu can converge and diverge in the same M at differing times and with differing feelings and perceptions. Sometimes folks are on the same page, sometimes way off the reservation. I've personally seen no commonalities over time. Even my own viewpoints have evolved markedly over a lifetime. I'd say I'm more accepting of diversity and change now. I had a lot of black and white thinking as a young guy.