Hurting So Bad...Husband wants to separate

[Momof3littleones]

I need some help and positive people right now. Not telling me what I want to hear, telling me how to be a stronger person. I'm a 37 year old mom of three kids (5 year old twins and a 4 year old). Around the holidays my husband became nastier, and we were arguing a lot. One day he was so nasty, I got angry and said that's it, I'm done! Because I was so angry. Well there had to have been a coworker he was talking a lot to. I believe it was mid-January when he actually cheated. He started being a mean drunk, drinking more at home, telling me he was done with me. I said we have 3 kids, we need to work on it. Because as much as we had arguments sometimes, we could be so happy. I've been with him since I was 20 years old! Then one night I checked the cell phone bill and saw her number a lot starting mid-January. He said it was only talking but said we needed time apart right now. I was a mess because this came out of nowhere. He was always such a family guy, loved me so much, we had sex all the time so it wasn't like we were going months without it. He took a few days away and confessed he slept with someone else, but he wasn't seeing her anymore but we still needed time. And he wanted things to be civil no matter what.

 

Basically the day of my daughter's birthday, he passed out sleeping after being a mean drunk again, and I said screw it, looked at his phone and saw an email from her saying, sorry she missed his call, she was out playing pool. I saw her full name. I flipped, smacked him awake, threw his clothes down stairs and had his brother pick him up. He hasn't lived at home since. This was 3 weeks ago.

 

After this we didn't talk for a few days. And we said it's best to separate. I googled this girl, she's only 2 years younger, nothing special at all, not that attractive. I'm just so upset because after all this, I would have hoped he would try so hard because we have a family, we were happy. We had stress and little kids and money issues, so of course it's not easy. But it's like TRY. He would never do marriage counseling. He said he wants to try to find an apartment for now to take the kids some weekends. He said he's so confused, and he's trying to take things one step at a time. He took his cell phone off our bill which really inspires trust.

 

He told close friends it's his fault. He's staying in a friend's parents' basement now. The other day I said I saw a lawyer about separation, and we technically can divorce any time. He's not caring about finding a lawyer. He said the other day when j had to see him with the kids that he's so upset at himself and he's so sorry, and he still misses me and he's not happy now, but he doesn't know what's going on. He says I can have the house, and he'll take care of us financially no matter what. He just says I'll never trust him no matter what but you never know, maybe it can work out. He said he still wants to do things as a family and go out to eat with me, but how is that possible to do without me hurting? I have been so civil to him in front of the kids because they're who matter the most. I have been so strong some days because I've been the one taking care of them 90% of the time from wake up to bedtime with homework and sports and packing lunches. And then I have my bad days where I just want to cry.

 

No matter what I'm not filing for divorce until I can work next year for my own health insurance. Do you think there's any chance at all that things can work out? The person he is right now I don't know and his family doesn't know. I've never felt so alone. I miss having him next to me in bed, I miss that physical connection with him. Even when he was apparently cheating, he was still sleeping with me which only hit me later. And it happened in only a span of weeks. I completely believe this was the first affair. He just never went out before. He always wanted to be with us at home. My home only causes me pain now because it was his dream home on the water with his boat, and that's another thing to think about in the future.

 

Just give me some positive advice. I'm trying to be strong. I have my strong days, but those bad days hit me too. I'm going to start therapy, I'm going to the gym, I'm trying to eat more because I look anorexic from stress and not eating, keeping as busy as I can. I just need to get over him and be happy with myself no matter what. And I'm limiting contact as much as I possibly can with him when it's the father of your children.

Edited March 6, 2017 by Momof3littleones

[Momof3littleones]

I forgot to mention so far he had taken them one weekend. I went out with friends both nights to keep busy. He had so messed up with my mental wellbeing. I was such a wreck. It's just no matter what friends I'm around or who I talk to, I still feel so alone.

[d0nnivain]

If he is willing to give up the mistress & the booze, you have a chance at reconciliation. If he is not, there is no hope.

 

 

You also must go to MC. Without it you won't fix this. If you had cancer or some other disease you wouldn't try DIY medical care. Don't think you can fix this alone.

 

 

At this point since you have been cheated on, I'd put my foot down. Put all your cards on the table. Tell him you are willing to fight for your marriage but that requires MC, the end of the mistress & no drinking. Plus he moves back in. The more distance through the apartment the more you both realize you don't need each other. None of this playing house garbage where he comes over & you have dinner once in a while. That will destroy you. He's either all in or you want out.

[aileD]

If he is willing to give up the mistress & the booze, you have a chance at reconciliation. If he is not, there is no hope.

 

 

You also must go to MC. Without it you won't fix this. If you had cancer or some other disease you wouldn't try DIY medical care. Don't think you can fix this alone.

 

 

At this point since you have been cheated on, I'd put my foot down. Put all your cards on the table. Tell him you are willing to fight for your marriage but that requires MC, the end of the mistress & no drinking. Plus he moves back in. The more distance through the apartment the more you both realize you don't need each other. None of this playing house garbage where he comes over & you have dinner once in a while. That will destroy you. He's either all in or you want out.

 

This. This 100x

 

It sounds like he had some sort of early mid life crisis. Sometimes husbands become fathers and they can't deal with the way their life changes. Their wife is now the center of the kids world, he doesn't come first anymore, he's working to support and the pressure that comes with that and the can't deal with the feelings of unhappiness thst come with it. Most men adjust to this..... some have affairs because someone else makes them feel special and gives them attention. Then when the wife finds out and kicks them out of the family, they'l suddenly miss everything they took for granted.

 

Thats a turnaround point for some men. They'll do everything possible to fix it and get back the life they didn't know they loved.

 

Thst could be your husband. But he doesn't seem willing right now to put forth that effort. He's offered to move out, give you everything . This could be coming from a place of shame and embarrassment, but it could be coming from a true want to leave the marriage and responsibility. You need to figure that out.

 

Reconciliation is a long road and like the above poster said, he's gonna need to stop drinking, move back in (guest room if you want but NOT out of the house) and go to individual and marriage counseling.

 

You need to get an STD test for your own health.

 

I wish you luck, I am reconciling now and it's hard work. I respect anyone who tries to save their marriage and keep their family intact. But you cannot do it alone.

[Momof3littleones]

He'd never do marriage counseling. I've mentioned it, and he's the type of guy who doesn't believe in therapy. He says he is not seeing her anymore. He says that, but I'm not naive. I have said why won't you try, and he just says he doesn't know what he wants and he needs time alone. I guess that is my answer. It just hurts. Since he's been working so much overtime, I don't think he even has the time to drink as much as he was when he was home. I'm willing to see what would pan out in a couple months, but I'm not wasting more of my life in this phase. And really I'm so angry at him. Why did he have to screw up so bad? Can I even take him back? He was supposed to be the one person that wouldn't hurt me, but he did.

 

I've thought of going on dating sites to distract myself from the pain, but I know I have to be happy being alone right now and focus on myself and on the kids.

 

I guess I need tips to move on.

[aileD]

First off, I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

I would advise you not to make any final decisions right now in this phas of things. Emotions are high and everyone is not thinking clearly.

 

The separation is good. If you want to make it work with him (and I understand if you don't, that's perfectly fine), I would have a calm talk with him. Tell him you are hurt by what he's done, you love him and you want your marriage to survive, that MC would be required as well as NC with OW. Thst you will give him a reasonable amount of time to get his **** together before seeing an atty.

 

Then ignore him. Don't call, don't cry, don't beg. Make arrangements thru his family for him to see the kids. This is called the 180, you can read more about it on a pinned post in this forum.

 

Take care of yourself, focus on your kids. For gods sake DO NOT DATE, That's unhealthy and you're in a vulnerable spot and predatory losers can smell that a mile away. Spend time with your friends and family.

 

I'm sorry foe you and I know it seems hopeless. It isn't always, it's just too chaotic right now. You both need time and space.

 

I will pray for your family.

[aileD]

I know you were looking for tips to move on. It's just too early to do that. Even if your marriage is over, you have to go thru the grief process before moving on. Focus on keeping you and your kids healthy for now

[Momof3littleones]

I know you were looking for tips to move on. It's just too early to do that. Even if your marriage is over, you have to go thru the grief process before moving on. Focus on keeping you and your kids healthy for now

 

Thank you for the advice. I guess I meant how do I make this grief process go easier? I can tell you I've tried to talk to him, and all he does is push this apartment idea all the time, and that's what he's doing. he had nowhere for the kids to go yet because where he's staying is too small, so I told him this Saturday he sleeps at the house with the kids, and I'll go out with my friends and sleep by my sister's. Because I need a break too. He's rarely around right now. He already made plans for a hunting trip for a few days in two weeks because he said he's so stressed.

 

And then he said he has no contact with this woman, but he still had to talk to her at work. I said you need to change locations at your job and do marriage counseling and he was negative on both, so that's what I get from him. It makes me mad for him to say let's do family things still because we are not a family anymore then. You can't tear our family apart and then say you want to be a family sometimes! You can't have your cake and eat it too.

[Momof3littleones]

I also wanted to add I am trying that no contacting him except when it's kid related. I have to talk to him about the kids, and he has to come here to bring them to school sometimes. My kids are my #1 priority, so us being able to exchange words is important, but it's only going to be kid related. I made that mistake of texting him Saturday upset still trying to understand, and then I got angry at myself. I can't do that, and it was because I talked to him the day before after not really talking to him all week. I don't like the person he reduced me to two months ago. I got better that everyone says I'm strong, and they don't think it hits me yet, but I was a wreck two months ago when I didn't know fully what was going on, and he watched me suffer. That makes me angry and reminds me of the person I don't want to be. I can't go crying anymore to him or ask him anymore questions to try to understand because clearly he's set on whatever path he's taking.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't go crying anymore to him or ask him anymore questions to try to understand because clearly he's set on whatever path he's taking.

 

Momof3littleones, there is a step-by-step plan for people in your situation called the 180. Here's a copy:

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

 

It's about moving forward with your life so you're better prepared for either outcome - divorce or reconciliation. I hope it's of use to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Momof3littleones]

Thanks Mr. Lucky. I'll try all of those things. I just wish it wasn't so hard right now. I feel like a failure, I feel like I wasn't good enough. Everything reminds me of him, I think of the happy times. I try to remember the last 2 months and every negative thing about him, but still it's so hard.

 

I get so angry thinking about this other person too. She's 2 years younger than me (he's going to be 39 though), and to him, she had an easy life because it's only her, she's single with no stress. I, on the other hand, had so much stress and we agreed I'd stay home with the kids when they're young which I don't regret, but to be honest you lose yourself as a person during this time.

Edited March 7, 2017 by Momof3littleones

[Mr. Lucky]

I, on the other hand, had so much stress and we agreed I'd stay home with the kids when they're young which I don't regret, but to be honest you lose yourself as a person during this time.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

Couldn't phrase it any better myself. Momof3littleones, print out the list and put it on your bathroom mirror so you see it everyday...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Momof3littleones]

I think it's definitely over. My husband called me before after I was texting to say it was a rough night with the kids because they were upset. He was really upset and apologetic and saying it was all his fault, not me, and he'll still always love me and take care of us. I just said he should have tried more, and he said that I shouldn't want to take him back. He said he cheated, he disrespected me, he's embarrassed, it hurts for him to see me, he can't face my family. It just sounds like it's definitely over. I think it's knowing we can't ever be normal again like before. It's just so painful because the future I thought I had with him is gone.

[aileD]

Then walk away. He's willing to give up? Because of shame??? Because he's embarrassed?

 

Whatever. That's just more selfishness on his part.

 

He needs to be slapped awake. People make mistakes. They CAN be fixed and you CAN get through and over this. A lot of couples come out even BETTER years after an affair because they're forced to deal head on with issues that got them to that place and become closer as a result .

 

 

If he wants to hide in his shell because he's a negative Nellie then there's nothing you can do except let him know you love him and you want it to work out and are willing to work thru it but you can't do it alone.

 

I'm sorry

[Popsicle]

Yeah just tell him to give up the mistress and booze and you'll take him back. He'll come running back.

[Momof3littleones]

I have said why aren't you trying, and he's like I don't know, I'm confused, I can't see you without thinking of how I hurt you. But then he keeps going on about getting an apartment that we can't afford.

 

I'm just really disgusted by myself and him. This morning he came when the kids were in school, and it ended up being that we got intimate, and I knew that was a mistake but still it's so hard to resist that physical connection. The killer is that I had an appointment with a therapist, and he was like just cancel it, let's lay down together instead, and I said no that won't help me, that won't help things. But I ended up changing my mind, and I hate myself. And afterwards he just acted like the way he's been acting, cold and talking about the apartment, telling me a place I can use to do the lawn since he can't.

 

I just called before and said I'm so mad at myself and we shouldn't have done that. I basically just feel used. It's my own fault too because I hadn't been with him in weeks and missed that and just wanted to pretend like everything was normal for an hour. If we do divorce, we can't see each other and do family stuff. We can't. He's like why not? Because you can't move on if you're still seeing the other person. It's just a mess. I feel like he's not good for me anymore.

[BluesPower]

Maybe it was not the best idea in the world.

 

But come on, don't beat yourself up about it. You both needed to get laid.

 

I would not worry about it...

[LancasterAmos1966]

If we do divorce, we can't see each other and do family stuff. We can't. He's like why not? Because you can't move on if you're still seeing the other person. It's just a mess. I feel like he's not good for me anymore.

 

 

My wife walked out after 20+ years of marriage. Left me and my 6 kids. She wanted to do the holiday meals and have fun times at her apartment --- I said No Way will I pretend everything is fine at your apartment.

 

So your husband is just acting normal. If you pretend nothing is wrong, it helps him move on into his new life. His selfishness is very strong right now so he must keep moving in the direction he wants.

 

---- Yes he has hurt you --- but PLEASE don't let him hurt you any more. In other words, instead of falling apart letting your mind play tricks on you, become determined to live a new life without him. Right now, you don't know how you can. But believe me, I made it with 6 kids and working a full time job, so you will need to lean on family, friends, neighbors to help you out.

 

 

---- You must grieve the loss of your beloved groom --- this is like a death, so google the 5 stages of grief --- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance.

 

 

---- You can't lean on him any longer, and you must not allow him to lean on you. That's not easy to figure out how to do since you've been with him for a long time. Allow yourself to make mistakes as you learn how to live without him (like what happened the other day) and work on doing better tomorrow. No biggie if you "mess up" --- You are not an expert on relationship losses so please give yourself some slack!!

 

---- Don't hold those tears in. If you need to cry at Walmart, do it. If you need to cry driving down the road, pull over and let 'er rip. Tears are a good emotional release, so don't act like you must be tough and never cry. And don't worry if your kids see you cry. Nothing wrong with them seeing mommy is hurting. This can be a time of special bonding. Life is full of different kinds of hurts, and there's no harm in them seeing that life can cause a person to cry. Thank God for tears -- it helps get the pain out of us so we are determined to dry our tears and move forward.

 

---- Listen to music that helps you. Google breakup songs.

 

 

---- Don't rip up pictures, or go around busting stuff when you get angry. Have a friend help you box up some pictures and store them in a safe place. Right now, there will be times when you are angry (look at the 5 stages of grief), and when you are angry, you don't want to destroy stuff that will be important to you and/or your kids later in life. I never thought I'd heal, but it took maybe a good 2 or 3 years until I could actually look at old pictures again. I'm glad that I have some of those old pictures.

 

Basically, you must KNOW that you can make it without him!!!! You probably lived the first 20 years of your life without him -- so don't let your mind play tricks on you acting like you can't live without him. You've already live a chunk of your life without him, so you can do it again.

 

He can live without you.

 

So, show him that you can live without him too!!!

 

What if he would have died, or went into a coma, or for whatever reason he could not be your companion --- you would go on and live a great life.

 

But for some reason, when a person cheats on us or leaves us, we fall apart and act like "oh, it would have been so much easier if he/she would have just died." To me, that's silliness. Any loss hurts. The problem is that we don't like being rejected, so our mind plays tricks on us acting like we must lay down and die if we can't have our spouse.

 

With some hard work and tears, you will make it.

[BaileyB]

He clearly needs to give up the alcohol... that's the first thing. I would never take him back if he is still drinking.

 

And only then, if he was willing to end his relationship with this other woman and fully commit to reconciliation - which includes counselling.

 

Otherwise, I would focus on the children, take care of yourself, and find a good counsellor to help you get your life back on track - with or without him.

 

But, I do think that the alcohol clouds everything... You are dealing with a man who has a problem with alcohol, perhaps some Al-Anon groups would also be good for you.

 

Take care.

[BaileyB]

I have said why aren't you trying, and he's like I don't know, I'm confused, I can't see you without thinking of how I hurt you. But then he keeps going on about getting an apartment that we can't afford.

 

I'm just really disgusted by myself and him. This morning he came when the kids were in school, and it ended up being that we got intimate, and I knew that was a mistake but still it's so hard to resist that physical connection. The killer is that I had an appointment with a therapist, and he was like just cancel it, let's lay down together instead, and I said no that won't help me, that won't help things. But I ended up changing my mind, and I hate myself. And afterwards he just acted like the way he's been acting, cold and talking about the apartment, telling me a place I can use to do the lawn since he can't.

 

I just called before and said I'm so mad at myself and we shouldn't have done that. I basically just feel used. It's my own fault too because I hadn't been with him in weeks and missed that and just wanted to pretend like everything was normal for an hour. If we do divorce, we can't see each other and do family stuff. We can't. He's like why not? Because you can't move on if you're still seeing the other person. It's just a mess. I feel like he's not good for me anymore.

 

What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up about it.

 

Instead, use it as a reason to do what you need to do and separate from him until you gather yourself together and decide what you want for your life. He knew that you had a counselling appointment and he encouraged your to make a selfish decision that was not in your best interest - to stay with him when you should have been at the counsellor. That is incredibly selfish on his part - it benefited himself, not you. And to top it all, he was rude and unkind to you after you were together. i don't blame you for feeling used - I'd be furious at myself and him and I would use that anger to propel me forward, toward a healthier future!

[Momof3littleones]

My wife walked out after 20+ years of marriage. Left me and my 6 kids. She wanted to do the holiday meals and have fun times at her apartment --- I said No Way will I pretend everything is fine at your apartment.

 

So your husband is just acting normal. If you pretend nothing is wrong, it helps him move on into his new life. His selfishness is very strong right now so he must keep moving in the direction he wants.

 

---- Yes he has hurt you --- but PLEASE don't let him hurt you any more. In other words, instead of falling apart letting your mind play tricks on you, become determined to live a new life without him. Right now, you don't know how you can. But believe me, I made it with 6 kids and working a full time job, so you will need to lean on family, friends, neighbors to help you out.

 

 

---- You must grieve the loss of your beloved groom --- this is like a death, so google the 5 stages of grief --- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance.

 

 

---- You can't lean on him any longer, and you must not allow him to lean on you. That's not easy to figure out how to do since you've been with him for a long time. Allow yourself to make mistakes as you learn how to live without him (like what happened the other day) and work on doing better tomorrow. No biggie if you "mess up" --- You are not an expert on relationship losses so please give yourself some slack!!

 

---- Don't hold those tears in. If you need to cry at Walmart, do it. If you need to cry driving down the road, pull over and let 'er rip. Tears are a good emotional release, so don't act like you must be tough and never cry. And don't worry if your kids see you cry. Nothing wrong with them seeing mommy is hurting. This can be a time of special bonding. Life is full of different kinds of hurts, and there's no harm in them seeing that life can cause a person to cry. Thank God for tears -- it helps get the pain out of us so we are determined to dry our tears and move forward.

 

---- Listen to music that helps you. Google breakup songs.

 

 

---- Don't rip up pictures, or go around busting stuff when you get angry. Have a friend help you box up some pictures and store them in a safe place. Right now, there will be times when you are angry (look at the 5 stages of grief), and when you are angry, you don't want to destroy stuff that will be important to you and/or your kids later in life. I never thought I'd heal, but it took maybe a good 2 or 3 years until I could actually look at old pictures again. I'm glad that I have some of those old pictures.

 

Basically, you must KNOW that you can make it without him!!!! You probably lived the first 20 years of your life without him -- so don't let your mind play tricks on you acting like you can't live without him. You've already live a chunk of your life without him, so you can do it again.

 

He can live without you.

 

So, show him that you can live without him too!!!

 

What if he would have died, or went into a coma, or for whatever reason he could not be your companion --- you would go on and live a great life.

 

But for some reason, when a person cheats on us or leaves us, we fall apart and act like "oh, it would have been so much easier if he/she would have just died." To me, that's silliness. Any loss hurts. The problem is that we don't like being rejected, so our mind plays tricks on us acting like we must lay down and die if we can't have our spouse.

 

With some hard work and tears, you will make it.

 

Thanks so much for the encouraging words. Your story makes me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. When I think about it, I haven't been single since I was 18 because I was in a relationship right before him. I've been with him for 16 years, married for 12 years. I feel like I have to let him go. It's just so hard because every time I see him, it can feel normal for a minute and I want that back so much, but it's not going to be normal. And he doesn't want to be here with me.

[Momof3littleones]

What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up about it.

 

Instead, use it as a reason to do what you need to do and separate from him until you gather yourself together and decide what you want for your life. He knew that you had a counselling appointment and he encouraged your to make a selfish decision that was not in your best interest - to stay with him when you should have been at the counsellor. That is incredibly selfish on his part - it benefited himself, not you. And to top it all, he was rude and unkind to you after you were together. i don't blame you for feeling used - I'd be furious at myself and him and I would use that anger to propel me forward, toward a healthier future!

 

Thank you. I do need to hold on to that anger for the time being to get me through getting over him.

[LancasterAmos1966]

When I think about it, I haven't been single since I was 18 because I was in a relationship right before him. I've been with him for 16 years, married for 12 years.

We are not experts at this ----- that's good thing but it's also bad because we don't have much life-experience to help us recover. People on this board can offer opinions/advice because we've been through it at least once already. And believe me, if it ever happens again to me, I'll be ready next time. :-)

 

When you have a chance, google Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. You can buy a used copy for like a buck or two on Amazon. Read the comments about the book even if you don't get a copy.

 

Basically, the author shares stories about separating/divorcing couples. She has been able to come up with a typical way that couples separate/divorce, and the typical reactions of both the spouse that is leaving, and the spouse that would prefer to stay together.

 

The book really helped me realize that no matter if you dated a long time, or dated a short time, no matter if you were a religious person or not a religious person, no matter if you had money issues or had millions in the bank --- no matter what --- when one spouse decided they wanted out, there was NOTHING the other spouse could do.

 

If a spouse REALLY wants out, then anything that delays their leaving just become a stall tactic. Marriage counseling might be nice, but if they want out, it is a waste of time.

 

The book also helped me realize that my wife was not an evil jerk that deserved to have a horrible life just because she no longer wanted to be my wife.

 

I know ---- there's some rejected spouses that would really like their spouse to be paid back for hurting/leaving them.

 

That's their right to feel that way, but for me, the book helped me accept that my wife is a fellow human, like me, with dreams and hopes for the future.

 

The problem was that she needed to reject me in order to get to her new chapter of life. She shared life with me for 20+ years, and now she wanted to move into a new chapter of life that did not include me.

 

That loss and rejection hurt, but once I realized that she was not gloating over my emotional hurt, she was not some evil, narcissistic jerk that was hell-bent on destroying me.....this new information helped me to glide into the Acceptance Stage of the grief process.

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like I have to let him go. It's just so hard because every time I see him, it can feel normal for a minute and I want that back so much, but it's not going to be normal.

Of course it's hard. And you might not believe this, but I'm guessing it's hard for him too.

 

Please don't wish him evil, or hope that "karma" visits him. It might help for a few seconds to wish him a horrible life, but deep inside, you are not that kind of person. And he isn't either. Because, If he REALLY wanted to hurt you, he could have come up with a thousand ways to hurt you.

 

Maybe you can save your marriage relationship. I'm not sure. But, once you know that he wants out of his marriage vow --- please set him free!!!!

 

You might think this is off-the-wall advice, but you really should thank him for the 16 years that he shared life with you. He made you laugh, you had bedroom time, and you have many neat memories.

 

Don't throw those memories away just because it did not last until the day one of you died.

 

I'm not suggesting you to become his doormat, and pretend that what he did is behavior that you condone. No way!! He is a vow breaker, and does not deserve to be trusted by you ever again. What I'm saying is that a big part of my recovery was being able to thank my wife for the history we shared together.

 

Marriage is neat, and I refuse to let her turn me into a marriage-hating person.

 

I had 20 years of a great marriage, and I will not throw that all away pretending that I did not enjoy it.

 

Of course, I wanted another 20 years....and then another 20....haha....but that isn't going to happen, so I shook her hand, cried my eyes out, fully recovered, and I'm now living a great life. You can do it too.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think it's definitely over. My husband called me before after I was texting to say it was a rough night with the kids because they were upset. He was really upset and apologetic and saying it was all his fault, not me, and he'll still always love me and take care of us. I just said he should have tried more, and he said that I shouldn't want to take him back. He said he cheated, he disrespected me, he's embarrassed, it hurts for him to see me, he can't face my family. It just sounds like it's definitely over. I think it's knowing we can't ever be normal again like before. It's just so painful because the future I thought I had with him is gone.

 

First of all, I'm incredibly sorry you're here.

 

I'm kinda a just as I see it girl and will get right to it.

 

2. He's turning this around so he looks like the victim. Your post above contains tons of those statements. If he really felt bad about what he's done he would face your parents and do whatever it took to fix his marriage. Including counseling. He wouldn't be spouting about how awful he feels. You're the victim here. And your kids.

 

3. This is his fault not hers. He thinks ok vows with you. Yes he should quit his job. He cannot be in contact with an affair partner.

 

4. He's allowing you to meet some of his needs. Family time-a little sex-keeping it friendly. Make no mistake he's allowing the OW to meet his other needs. Ever heard of having your cake and eating it too? This is what he's trying to do. You need to let him know that he needs to cut contact including finding employment elsewhere and get in counseling with you. If not- you won't be his buddy. There will be no hanging out with the kiddos like a family. That's for a man who has earned that. And frankly you wouldn't let a friend treat you like this.

 

5. Stop letting him decide the future of the relationship. You have the power to do that. You do not have to wait until he decides to be married. Choose for yourself.

 

6. Expose the affair to his workplace. He will be angry and say things like "you've really ended our marriage now" and crap like that. It's not true but he will react like an addict without his drug. Many companies are against this and one of them may get terminated. Expose to his friends. His parents. Her parents. Make sure you retort "no your continued contact with your affair partner is a slap in the face to me and your children. I won't stand for it".

Do not threaten this or warn him. Just do it before he paints you as crazy.

 

7. Make sure he's keeping the kids and bring a dad during separation. He should t have all the down time. And set up a child support schedule now while separated.

 

Take care of your mind and spirit right now.

[Momof3littleones]

Thank you. We actually got to talk a little this past weekend in person. No more physical stuff because that's just not going to help things right now. From talking to him, I don't think he's seeing her anymore though he does have to talk to her at work which is still not okay with me.

 

I just don't know. I can wait for a few months to see how things go, but I can't drag this out for too long. He says things like this is my house now and stuff, but then says he wants to do things with me and I said not if things are over we can't. And he just said well we can't see how things go if we don't spend time together. He's reluctant to sign a lease in case things get better. I think he feels like I shouldn't take him back for what he did, and he's ashamed. He's not doing well. I thought he was, but he's not. I think we both have to take care of ourselves right now and just let things be for a little. I let him come here, and we are talking cordially with the kids. I guess just trying to be friends now.

 

Maybe I have to see what I really want too. Right now I got to get myself to be happy alone. I need the nice weather to get here because I always feel better mentally when I can get outside and do things. Feeling like this with the cold weather is the worst.