Hurting So Bad...Husband wants to separate

[Momof3littleones]

Just an update more for myself. I'm still hanging in there being positive. I tell myself it's better this happens now when I'm still kind of young (not in my 20s but still kinda young) as opposed to when I'm older and the kids are grown up. I have them to keep me busy. And sometimes women feel pressured to settle so they can have kids by a certain age, but that's not a worry for me. No matter what, I'm not alone. I have them, and I have family and friends. I'm looking forward to doing things more and making plans. I feel like I'm doing pretty good considering this started like two months ago. I've accepted it. My soon to be ex doesn't deserve me. He didn't work hard enough.

 

We're on okay terms now though. No matter what happens, we're civil because the kids are the most important. My in-laws have been so supportive too no matter what happens. They've told me I'm family no matter what.

[Momof3littleones]

Just curious, can anyone with little kids advise how they work out the custody? Like how often does your ex take them? So far we've been doing that my soon to be ex takes them every other weekend. The last time he stayed here, but now he has an apartment at a friend's place where he's taking them this weekend. Is every other weekend the norm? I guess I want to know what's best for the kids. They're still young that they really don't get what's going on between the two of us. They were used to him working double shifts and not seeing him for days. Right now we're kind of working it out as we go, and since he doesn't have a normal Monday-Friday 9-5 schedule, it's inconsistent.

 

Now that it's the first he'll be taking them to his apartment next weekend, it's starting to sting a little again. I know the path to healing is not a steady incline, it's a jagged line going up and down.

[mnnc]

Just curious, can anyone with little kids advise how they work out the custody? Like how often does your ex take them? So far we've been doing that my soon to be ex takes them every other weekend. The last time he stayed here, but now he has an apartment at a friend's place where he's taking them this weekend. Is every other weekend the norm? I guess I want to know what's best for the kids. They're still young that they really don't get what's going on between the two of us. They were used to him working double shifts and not seeing him for days. Right now we're kind of working it out as we go, and since he doesn't have a normal Monday-Friday 9-5 schedule, it's inconsistent.

 

Now that it's the first he'll be taking them to his apartment next weekend, it's starting to sting a little again. I know the path to healing is not a steady incline, it's a jagged line going up and down.

 

It is a difficult path to take. This is something we never planned or wanted for our children. I remember the first time my ex took our kids over to her place. After she left with the kids I broke down and cried because I got a picture of my new way of life with my children. Its devastating and hard to accept. However, as time goes on you do get adjusted to it. Its been 8 months since my wife left me and we share the kids 50/50. Now it seems like the norm. The kids have been doing good. I am not saying this has not bothered them though and they have made comments that show it does affect them. Only thing I can do is be a good parent and show I love them.

 

As for your schedule, everyone's is different. I have heard similar schedules like yours and I have heard many situations where the spouse never sees their kids because they simply do not want to. I honestly hate our 50/50 custody with my ex because she works an inconsistent work schedule like your husband's. So our custody schedule works around her work schedule and to be honest, I am not going to do this kind of scheduling for the next 14 years. We are going to have to eventually have a planned schedule that we do not deviate from unless its absolutely necessary. It's crazy how much everything can change in your life within a few weeks. I wish you the best luck!

[mnnc]

I need some help and positive people right now. Not telling me what I want to hear, telling me how to be a stronger person. I'm a 37 year old mom of three kids (5 year old twins and a 4 year old). Around the holidays my husband became nastier, and we were arguing a lot. One day he was so nasty, I got angry and said that's it, I'm done! Because I was so angry. Well there had to have been a coworker he was talking a lot to. I believe it was mid-January when he actually cheated. He started being a mean drunk, drinking more at home, telling me he was done with me. I said we have 3 kids, we need to work on it. Because as much as we had arguments sometimes, we could be so happy. I've been with him since I was 20 years old! Then one night I checked the cell phone bill and saw her number a lot starting mid-January. He said it was only talking but said we needed time apart right now. I was a mess because this came out of nowhere. He was always such a family guy, loved me so much, we had sex all the time so it wasn't like we were going months without it. He took a few days away and confessed he slept with someone else, but he wasn't seeing her anymore but we still needed time. And he wanted things to be civil no matter what.

 

Basically the day of my daughter's birthday, he passed out sleeping after being a mean drunk again, and I said screw it, looked at his phone and saw an email from her saying, sorry she missed his call, she was out playing pool. I saw her full name. I flipped, smacked him awake, threw his clothes down stairs and had his brother pick him up. He hasn't lived at home since. This was 3 weeks ago.

 

After this we didn't talk for a few days. And we said it's best to separate. I googled this girl, she's only 2 years younger, nothing special at all, not that attractive. I'm just so upset because after all this, I would have hoped he would try so hard because we have a family, we were happy. We had stress and little kids and money issues, so of course it's not easy. But it's like TRY. He would never do marriage counseling. He said he wants to try to find an apartment for now to take the kids some weekends. He said he's so confused, and he's trying to take things one step at a time. He took his cell phone off our bill which really inspires trust.

 

He told close friends it's his fault. He's staying in a friend's parents' basement now. The other day I said I saw a lawyer about separation, and we technically can divorce any time. He's not caring about finding a lawyer. He said the other day when j had to see him with the kids that he's so upset at himself and he's so sorry, and he still misses me and he's not happy now, but he doesn't know what's going on. He says I can have the house, and he'll take care of us financially no matter what. He just says I'll never trust him no matter what but you never know, maybe it can work out. He said he still wants to do things as a family and go out to eat with me, but how is that possible to do without me hurting? I have been so civil to him in front of the kids because they're who matter the most. I have been so strong some days because I've been the one taking care of them 90% of the time from wake up to bedtime with homework and sports and packing lunches. And then I have my bad days where I just want to cry.

 

No matter what I'm not filing for divorce until I can work next year for my own health insurance. Do you think there's any chance at all that things can work out? The person he is right now I don't know and his family doesn't know. I've never felt so alone. I miss having him next to me in bed, I miss that physical connection with him. Even when he was apparently cheating, he was still sleeping with me which only hit me later. And it happened in only a span of weeks. I completely believe this was the first affair. He just never went out before. He always wanted to be with us at home. My home only causes me pain now because it was his dream home on the water with his boat, and that's another thing to think about in the future.

 

Just give me some positive advice. I'm trying to be strong. I have my strong days, but those bad days hit me too. I'm going to start therapy, I'm going to the gym, I'm trying to eat more because I look anorexic from stress and not eating, keeping as busy as I can. I just need to get over him and be happy with myself no matter what. And I'm limiting contact as much as I possibly can with him when it's the father of your children.

 

When my wife left me, I was overwhelmed with emotions. There were so many things I did not understand as to why and how she left. I found this book online and read it. Its not a book that is focused how to win your spouse back. Its a book on what you need to do when your spouse does leave. It shares a lot of the same ideas with 180 discussed on this forum. The book helped me a lot and helped me understand why my wife left me so easily. Basically the book goes over three types of people who leave a marriage. It explains each of these types and then describes how they act when they do leave. The book described my wife very accurately to the point it put chills down my spine. The book also explains what you need to do when your spouse leaves the marriage and that is cutting them out of their comfort zone which is different for everyone and includes the no contact rule. I highly recommend reading it because it helped me very much. As soon as I read that book, I never showed anymore emotion or contact with my wife unless it involved the children.

 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0800787226/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

[Momof3littleones]

When my wife left me, I was overwhelmed with emotions. There were so many things I did not understand as to why and how she left. I found this book online and read it. Its not a book that is focused how to win your spouse back. Its a book on what you need to do when your spouse does leave. It shares a lot of the same ideas with 180 discussed on this forum. The book helped me a lot and helped me understand why my wife left me so easily. Basically the book goes over three types of people who leave a marriage. It explains each of these types and then describes how they act when they do leave. The book described my wife very accurately to the point it put chills down my spine. The book also explains what you need to do when your spouse leaves the marriage and that is cutting them out of their comfort zone which is different for everyone and includes the no contact rule. I highly recommend reading it because it helped me very much. As soon as I read that book, I never showed anymore emotion or contact with my wife unless it involved the children.

 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0800787226/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

 

Thanks, I will look into getting that book. I'm reading one now having to do with dealing with coping with loss. Did this book you posted have any positive impact?

[Momof3littleones]

It is a difficult path to take. This is something we never planned or wanted for our children. I remember the first time my ex took our kids over to her place. After she left with the kids I broke down and cried because I got a picture of my new way of life with my children. Its devastating and hard to accept. However, as time goes on you do get adjusted to it. Its been 8 months since my wife left me and we share the kids 50/50. Now it seems like the norm. The kids have been doing good. I am not saying this has not bothered them though and they have made comments that show it does affect them. Only thing I can do is be a good parent and show I love them.

 

As for your schedule, everyone's is different. I have heard similar schedules like yours and I have heard many situations where the spouse never sees their kids because they simply do not want to. I honestly hate our 50/50 custody with my ex because she works an inconsistent work schedule like your husband's. So our custody schedule works around her work schedule and to be honest, I am not going to do this kind of scheduling for the next 14 years. We are going to have to eventually have a planned schedule that we do not deviate from unless its absolutely necessary. It's crazy how much everything can change in your life within a few weeks. I wish you the best luck!

 

It's still new to me, but I cried the first time after my ex left with the kids too. What a terrible thing to experience. I couldn't stay home. I went out with my friend, drank way too much, passed out in her car and she got me home. Not my finest moment, but it was my first break to go out after taking care of the kids solo for awhile, and it was an emotional day. I feel bad that you have no family or friends near you because I don't think I could survive without that.

 

Thanks for sharing your custody experience. I feel like I take care of the kids 80% of the time. At least he is taking them every other weekend, so it is some sort of break.

[mnnc]

Thanks, I will look into getting that book. I'm reading one now having to do with dealing with coping with loss. Did this book you posted have any positive impact?

 

Yes, the book made me stronger and helped me see some things I would have never noticed before. The book really focuses on letting the person go and removing their comfort zone. Their comfort zone is having a connection to you and based on what I have read in your post, it sounds like your husband's comfort zone is him talking to you, coming over and being intimate, thinking you all will still have family get togethers. Don't go out of you way to hurt him but don't give him anything more then you have to. Cut the conversations out and only talk to him about the kids and keep it short. Do not show him any emotions and never let him come over to visit you again. Take all his comfort zones away and let him face reality. You might be surprised what will happen over the next few weeks/months if you hold strong.

 

I'll give you a perfect example. I have a family member who has been having marriage problems for the past 4 years. His wife has became distant and would go out with friends all the time staying out late. He has suspicion she has had affairs but no proof. He has begged her and wanted to work on the marriage for the past 4 years and she has told him she does not love him anymore and wants him to move out however she did not want to get divorced! After my wife left me, I told him about the book I read and explained to him the whole comfort zone thing. I explained that his wife did not want to leave because she wanted to stay in the house while he made the payments. Her comfort zone was his financial support. I told him he needed to tell her he was done and that they were going to sell the house and go their separate ways. He stood his ground and did exactly that and guess what happened? She argued with him at first and when she realized he was sticking to his plan she started to panic. The last time I talked to him he had told me she was crying and telling him she was sorry. After 4 years, she never showed any emotion or cared. As soon as her comfort zone was being ripped away, she panic! However, is she crying and saying she is sorry for the right reasons? Is she being sincere or is she trying to buy time? That is the tough part for him to figure out.

 

Sorry for the long response. Its good to talk on these forums with others having the same issues. Stay strong and remove his comfort zone. You have had a major lost, now show him what he is going to loose.

Edited March 29, 2017 by mnnc

[Momof3littleones]

Thank you, I'll give that book a try. Anything that will help make me stronger and understand him can only help me. I have been doing pretty well with not communicating with him much besides kid-related and finance related texts. I read something to have a person to text/call when tempted to text/call your ex so they can talk you down. Last night I was missing him and just wanted to have a conversation just to talk, not about anything serious, but just to talk. I texted my friend and sister about wanting to, and their words stopped me. I just have those weak moments, but I didn't go there so at least I stayed strong.

 

Today I felt stronger and lighter which the nice weather probably helped with. I've been going to the gym, setting goals with running on the treadmill, pushing myself because it's something else to focus on with myself. I was so underweight from the stress that I looked anorexic, but I did gain almost 10 pounds which is a good thing in this case because I needed it. So I'm getting there. I have good days, but the bad days are still there too. It's only been 2 months though, so I can't expect to heal that fast.

[Momof3littleones]

I forgot to mention I've had a job opportunity to work from home come up which I would possibly start soon. It's just 10-15 hours a week, but it's something to keep me busy, a way to ease back into working (my 4 year old doesn't start kindergarten until next year) and extra money to save or use for groceries or activities to do with the kids. Probably $10-12k for the year so nothing huge. But do you think that would hugely affect my maintenance/alimony for when we do divorce? I've been a SAHM since they were born, but I made a nice salary before them. My husband wanted me to take care of them, and I don't regret that because there was physical therapy I had to do on my son when he was a baby every day, there were dr appointments driving to Jersey every 2 weeks. I'm glad I was able to spend that time with them. I just hope doing this job when it's not a big salary doesn't affect my maintenance.

[Snow7]

Hi!

 

I just wanted to reach out as I'm going through something similar. I'm a few year older (early 40's) and I'm the one moving out. But he has not wanted me as a wife, in any way, for years. After years of me fighting and begging to address our marriage (he refused), I have decided to leave while there is still a part of me left to salvage. I break down and start crying at the oddest moments. Why did he give up on us so easily? Why did I stay so long....all those years! And now I have to start over.

 

Anyway, I am thinking about the same things: child custody, going back to work etc.

[Momof3littleones]

Hi!

 

I just wanted to reach out as I'm going through something similar. I'm a few year older (early 40's) and I'm the one moving out. But he has not wanted me as a wife, in any way, for years. After years of me fighting and begging to address our marriage (he refused), I have decided to leave while there is still a part of me left to salvage. I break down and start crying at the oddest moments. Why did he give up on us so easily? Why did I stay so long....all those years! And now I have to start over.

 

Anyway, I am thinking about the same things: child custody, going back to work etc.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think anyone ever imagines in their life they would be going through a divorce and dealing with this. I never thought it would happen. If he is not making you happy, then you are better off without him. But I know easier said than done. Sending you hugs.

[Momof3littleones]

I was alone this weekend, and I kept busy, but man it stung to see him today, and it just hits me again like how is this happening? It just makes me remember times where we'd argue and I'd be upset and feel like we had to worry about our marriage, and he'd just hug me after and say we can get through anything, we're always good. And it's just not that anymore. I haven't talked to him much, but I was just able to get out of him that he's not happy right now, but it's like he is the one who wanted this. I didn't say that, I just said well you'll be happy eventually. He thinks I'm handling it so well, but I'm really hurting still inside.

 

Then it upsets me that he feels like he has to work and give me all his money. I'm not some money hungry wife trying to bleed him dry. I have the kids to take care of, I still have to pay the mortgage, I still pay our bills like I always was in charge of. Even when I do work when my daughter's in kindergarten, he doesn't want me working something where I'm not home in the summers with them because he doesn't want anyone else watching them. But he acted annoyed today like he has to work overtime, and he gives me all his money.

[BluesPower]

I was alone this weekend, and I kept busy, but man it stung to see him today, and it just hits me again like how is this happening? It just makes me remember times where we'd argue and I'd be upset and feel like we had to worry about our marriage, and he'd just hug me after and say we can get through anything, we're always good. And it's just not that anymore. I haven't talked to him much, but I was just able to get out of him that he's not happy right now, but it's like he is the one who wanted this. I didn't say that, I just said well you'll be happy eventually. He thinks I'm handling it so well, but I'm really hurting still inside.

 

Then it upsets me that he feels like he has to work and give me all his money. I'm not some money hungry wife trying to bleed him dry. I have the kids to take care of, I still have to pay the mortgage, I still pay our bills like I always was in charge of. Even when I do work when my daughter's in kindergarten, he doesn't want me working something where I'm not home in the summers with them because he doesn't want anyone else watching them. But he acted annoyed today like he has to work overtime, and he gives me all his money.

 

The thing is, he made his decision... and he has to live with it.

 

You need to focus on yourself and your kids. He does not get to make those decisions about whether you work or not, he is really not part of the family unit any more, as hard as that sounds.

 

You have to make the decisions for yourself and your children.

 

Hang in there...

[Momof3littleones]

I am just so full of anger today. My daughter was sick today throwing up, and I had to get my other kids to school. I had to miss an appointment with a new therapist today in which I was just looking so forward to unloading everything because friends don't want to hear it all the time I'm sure. I just felt so mad like my ex would have been home if he were here because he works later today, and I'm dealing with this all on my own. I really needed that appointment today because I just wanted to get out all those emotions with someone. I feel like I have the weight of everything on my shoulders.

[elaine567]

I am just so full of anger today. My daughter was sick today throwing up, and I had to get my other kids to school. I had to miss an appointment with a new therapist today in which I was just looking so forward to unloading everything because friends don't want to hear it all the time I'm sure. I just felt so mad like my ex would have been home if he were here because he works later today, and I'm dealing with this all on my own. I really needed that appointment today because I just wanted to get out all those emotions with someone. I feel like I have the weight of everything on my shoulders.

 

Some therapists will do telephone/Skype/email consultations.

That may suit you better sometimes, if getting away from home is going to be a problem.

[Momof3littleones]

Thanks, I actually did get to meet with the therapist today.

 

Just a bad day today. For some reason, it was hitting me worse today as if it was the first day I found out. Why does it still shock me sometimes? I hope tomorrow is better.

[Snow7]

I moved out last weekend. I guess I've been too busy to be sad. Moved from 5000 square feet to 1000. I do love my little house. I'm good at interior decorating so I've been busy making it look nice. Plus I have the kid this weekend. I have only been away from him for one day.

[Momof3littleones]

That's good you're making your place look nice and being busy!

 

I have been really busy, but to the point of exhaustion. I pretty much take care of them the majority of the time from wake up to bedtime, I had a sick daughter who wasn't sleeping most nights this week so then that means I'm not sleeping, I'm getting sick, I had PMS (sorry but hormones really screw with your head), and I'm starting to work from home trying to learn what I need to do, and it's not a good busy right now, it's an I'm so tired busy. But I know it's temporary, and I'll get back into the flow of things, my energy is just so low from being sick I think.

 

Today I had to be around my ex, and he was talking about renting space for something, and it just hit me again that this is really happening, and as soon as he left later, I let out all the tears, and I cried so much because I haven't really cried in awhile. He actually called the other night in the middle of the night and sounded so regretful and upset and then I think there's a chance that he'll work at things. But nope, it ends up being another day where things aren't changing, and it'll never be the same, and it's just so sad.

[Momof3littleones]

I need to vent. I had so much anger this past weekend, and I know I acted irrationally and now that's it, I have to move on and cut the cord. No being nice and acting like we can be friends. He's been claiming he's not seeing anyone, that he's so depressed, whatever. First he rented space for his boat now instead of keeping it here like always which is pretty final. Then I saw on his calendar through google because I was still connected that he was going to some event with 2 tickets with her going that it actually showed her name and email for something in 2 weeks. My assumption is that she ordered the tickets, sent him the email and it automatically went in the calendar.

 

So I texted him the screenshot of it and just said I don't know why this is ciming up. And he was like I don't know either, see this is what I mean, it never ends, you don't trust me. I basically just said we are done, you're cut out of my life, not the kids. Then this morning because her email came up on the calendar, I emailed her. I said i won't be talking to him anymore so can you please give him a message? Please tell him to stop trying to sleep with me when he sees me because I was with him last month because I was confused. I said it must be more of an emotional connection that he has with you because when he was drunk (he did say that), he told me the sex actually sucked. So please pass that message on. (He did try to get physical like 2 weeks ago and then he was saying stuff on the phone the other night to FaceTime at like 1am but I said no).

 

And that is the last I can have contact. I know it was immature, irrational and making me seem like a crazy ex-wife. But I just had that anger, I felt it, I had to lash out because it was like discovering it the first time all over again, and now I have to heal and move on. As I told him after seeing he's going to some expensive hipster thing like he's 25 years old, I don't know him anymore and I don't want to know him.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Momof3littleones

[Snow7]

I get angry too. Trying to move on....

 

The day before I moved out, I discovered an OLD account. Well, he moved on fast. I guess it's not my business anymore. Settling into my new reality. The issue is that no one knows so I have to pretend everything is fine.

[Jersey born raised]

How is drinking?

[Momof3littleones]

How is drinking?

 

I think it's the same. No doubt he is probably doing whatever with this girl sober. But I have no doubt when he started getting close to her, he was probably drunk. Not an excuse but basically she's getting a crappy version of him. When he has long shifts at work, he goes without drinking. But if he's off, then he's most likely drinking.

[Momof3littleones]

I get angry too. Trying to move on....

 

The day before I moved out, I discovered an OLD account. Well, he moved on fast. I guess it's not my business anymore. Settling into my new reality. The issue is that no one knows so I have to pretend everything is fine.

 

It's so hard to pretend everything is fine. it's like a punch in the gut every time someone asks about him. Some people know but no school parents.

[aileD]

I need to vent. I had so much anger this past weekend, and I know I acted irrationally and now that's it, I have to move on and cut the cord. No being nice and acting like we can be friends. He's been claiming he's not seeing anyone, that he's so depressed, whatever. First he rented space for his boat now instead of keeping it here like always which is pretty final. Then I saw on his calendar through google because I was still connected that he was going to some event with 2 tickets with her going that it actually showed her name and email for something in 2 weeks. My assumption is that she ordered the tickets, sent him the email and it automatically went in the calendar.

 

So I texted him the screenshot of it and just said I don't know why this is ciming up. And he was like I don't know either, see this is what I mean, it never ends, you don't trust me. I basically just said we are done, you're cut out of my life, not the kids. Then this morning because her email came up on the calendar, I emailed her. I said i won't be talking to him anymore so can you please give him a message? Please tell him to stop trying to sleep with me when he sees me because I was with him last month because I was confused. I said it must be more of an emotional connection that he has with you because when he was drunk (he did say that), he told me the sex actually sucked. So please pass that message on. (He did try to get physical like 2 weeks ago and then he was saying stuff on the phone the other night to FaceTime at like 1am but I said no).

 

And that is the last I can have contact. I know it was immature, irrational and making me seem like a crazy ex-wife. But I just had that anger, I felt it, I had to lash out because it was like discovering it the first time all over again, and now I have to heal and move on. As I told him after seeing he's going to some expensive hipster thing like he's 25 years old, I don't know him anymore and I don't want to know him.

 

Good for you. Not like you were lying right?

 

Best thing for him will be to lay in the bed he has made. Don't respond to any more of his stuff unless it's kid related. Don't answer his calls I. The middle of the night. Or at all. There's nothing that you need to hear his voice for. Email and text will do so you have time to think of your replies---but remember, don't reply unless it's kid related. Turn off your read receipts. Don't answer him right away to make him think your desperate waiting by the phone for him.

 

Turn off your phone at night. Is he still in the house? Get a lock on your bedroom door. Even if it's just one of those bolt ones your screw to the top of the door.

 

Let him lie in his bed.

[askbernice]

First of all, don't take a decision without out the proper considerations. This not only happens you. Basically am working in law firm. So, this kind of cases i have seen more in my life. The most of peoples coming for separation with confusions and without knowing "how the separation process going on".

 

Better way, when your husband is normal and free mode, you need to talk with him. No need to argue. If he is argue with you, better way is to don't speak on that time. Think about your children's. If your life goes like this, then you take the decisions. And save your children by financially.

 

If you need any help or regarding free advice on your family matters, you just consult with area family advisors/ lawyers.

Edited April 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator