Hurting So Bad...Husband wants to separate

[Momof3littleones]

I have to see him tomorrow and Saturday. I do so much better when I don't see him! But then he does crap that pisses me off that used to piss me off too like talking to the boys on phone and he says something passive aggressively like I didn't do something right, and it's like F you, it's always easy for him to nitpick when I take care of these kids all the time. And then my son was crying tonight that Daddy doesn't live here right now, and then I'm really pissed.

[Momof3littleones]

I try to be so hard with him now, but he sounded so upset on the phone before. I do care about him and love him. I turn hard on him for my own self preservation, but I don't want him to be so sad and depressed. I think it being the first family holiday celebrating it separately is hitting him.

[Snow7]

This weekend was my first weekend away from my kid. I tried to keep busy. Friday night I went out with some friends and Saturday I was working during the day and then came home so sad.

 

Then I get angry. We could have had a nice life together but he didn't want me anymore. He just gave up on us just like that. What makes me really mad is when he says that he's just going along with what I want. As if this is what I wanted but what choice did I have? Being married to someone who is emotionally checked out is soul crushing.

 

Anyway... sending you strength. We can do this.

[Momof3littleones]

Thanks. That same thing causes me a lot of anger too. He does that also and says I wanted the separation. No, he made the choice to not do whatever it took to work on things. The bad part is I'm so tired between the kids, working at home and trying to keep up on daily crap, but the good part is I'm too busy to be upset and down.

[BluesPower]

Thanks. That same thing causes me a lot of anger too. He does that also and says I wanted the separation. No, he made the choice to not do whatever it took to work on things. The bad part is I'm so tired between the kids, working at home and trying to keep up on daily crap, but the good part is I'm too busy to be upset and down.

 

My STBXW, has decided and said things like this. It was not enough the she had two affairs, it was not enough the she had a 20 year hidden drug addiction, it was not enough that she really never loved me, no. It was my decision to divorce and give up on the marriage. She was fine continuing to use me like she had for 26 years.

 

It is really my fault that I woke up and decided not to allow myself to be treated that way any more. These are the things that they say to make themselves feel better.

 

It has to be someone else's fault, because it could never be their fault.

 

Oh, and on top of everything else that it my fault, she had decided that in order for her to get over my terrible mistreatment of her, she needs to screw me over and suck every last dime out of me...

 

Because "of course" it is all my fault. Yeah right.

[Snow7]

Well said BluesPower.

 

I was so sad, lonely and depressed while I was married that I finally decided that anything was better than this. When I first decided to leave, I felt a sense of relief. The torture was finally over. I thought life could only get better.

 

I guess it's still new and raw but I'm waiting for the "get better" part. When will I feel peace and closure? I guess it will take time.

[BluesPower]

Well said BluesPower.

 

I was so sad, lonely and depressed while I was married that I finally decided that anything was better than this. When I first decided to leave, I felt a sense of relief. The torture was finally over. I thought life could only get better.

 

I guess it's still new and raw but I'm waiting for the "get better" part. When will I feel peace and closure? I guess it will take time.

 

You should already feel the weight lifting off our shoulders. At the end, I told her we were divorcing and low and behold, she wanted another chance. What in the hell I was thinking when I said yes I will never know.

 

So, I dumped all my GF's and gave her a real shot. Totally focused on the marriage. MC, IC the whole bit. Really tried.

 

She for several months just could not understand what her hidden drug addiction had put me through. From her stand point it was, "Hey I am sober, look at me." She could not understand why I could not get over the 20 years that I had to raise the kids alone for the most part, why I could not get over all the drug induced stupors, why I could not get over all the times that I prayed to god to help me make it through the next day, why I was angry about the lies and the disrespect that she had shown me.

 

This is not even mentioning her affairs or anything else. Just the drug addiction. She honestly could not understand why I was so pissed off.

 

Then I finally figured it out, she never loved me, she never respected me and she felt like I was just supposed to get over all of this...Because.

 

When I finally realized all of this, wow, it really hurt. But that realization helped me end it with no regrets.

 

It felt like the weight of the world came off my shoulders...

 

That was a great feeling...

[Momof3littleones]

It sounds like you put up with a lot. That feeling to have the weight off your shoulders sounds like a great feeling.

 

I just talked to him before because I just wanted to talk, and it wasn't productive. He can be so mean, so critical of things not being good enough at the house. He just seems more angry because he says I didn't really lose anything and that he lost everything. I don't think he cares about me, just losing this life. It just hurts me that he is the way he is now. I'm not going to feel bad for him anymore.

 

I feel depressed when I even think about dating. I don't think anyone's rushing to get in a relationship with a single mom of 3 kids. I feel like I'll be alone forever.

[BluesPower]

Well mom, let me tell you about that part...

 

I have been around and I am 52. So, frankly during and after we split I went though a lot of women, too many, I am not proud. I am not even sure what I was thinking. I was never going to fall in love, ever.

 

Well, in one week I went though crazy now x GF and met this wonderful new girl. Just like that I was smitten.

 

I mean, it sounds so crazy, but come to find out, she had been in love from afar for 9 years. I had no idea. We were never single at the same time. Who knew. We saw each other in the elevator the day after the breakup with xGF made small talk and I asked her out.

 

Fell in love on one date. Like nothing I have ever felt. I am moving her close at the end of the school year. She is a little younger than me, 12 years, and she has a 2 YO and an 11 YO. No sweat, I am great with kids and I have a 3 YO grandson. So built in playmates.

 

So it can happen at the drop of a hat, and I never thought it would...

[Momof3littleones]

That's hopeful to hear. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but I have to tell myself it's coming. Even if I'm single forever, sometimes it's better to be alone than with someone in a bad relationship.

 

Speaking to him last night hurt me so much. Like really bad. I thought I could just talk to him about my feelings just to have that familiar feeling of when we could tell each other anything, and though he says he's sorry for how he hurt me, I said something about how hard it is to grieve that loss of him, and he was all nasty saying did you really lose anything though? Because I have the house, the kids, the dog... So he's saying he lost everything, and I only lost one thing. That just hurt me so much that he said that and discounted the pain of losing a life partner. And then I had said last month that if he ever dates this girl and has them around the kids, I would tell them not to trust her. I don't know what I would really do, but he said he's thought of that, and would I really want those negative feelings to do with them and someone who is watching them? And that really hit me too because is that really a concern? He claims he's confused and now this is a possibility? That's a possibility for my life that I have to see this person in the future and they'll be around my kids. I knew he could hurt me, but I never thought he would hurt me that much.

[Momof3littleones]

Seriously?

[Snow7]

Yeah I have some bitterness on that as well. My husband decided to emotionally check out and now I have to start over again. I have to move out and live in a strange house. I have rebuild my career and my life.

 

Well, one day at a time, I'm rebuilding.

[Momof3littleones]

It's hard. Definitely one day at a time.

 

The other night I actually joined a dating site. I don't know why. I put up a couple photos, and I was surprised I actually got a bunch of messages. I just never feel that attractive anymore especially after this type of situation. But it got overwhelming, and I disabled it today because I think I need to spend more time working on myself first. It did give me an ego boost at least. Like maybe when I'm ready, dating can be fun.

[Momof3littleones]

I feel like I'm finally at acceptance. Like no more thinking there's this small chance we'll get back together. This is it. I've tried, but I won't have any regrets now. If he's not rushing to work on us now and still being so nasty sometimes, why do I want that? Do I want him to stay married for the kids, have them grow up and then break up then, having wasted more years of my life? I'm going to be nice for the benefit of the kids like we went out to eat the other day with them. Divorced people shouldn't do that, but they're so small still and if us doing things once in awhile together makes them get a little of that normal they used to have, so be it. But that's it. When it's just us and texts about the kids, I'm not taking any BS anymore from him.

[Snow7]

Good for you! Print this out and keep it because there will definitely be times when you are sad and lonely and will be tempted to go back.

[Momof3littleones]

I know! There's a high chance he's out with that girl tonight, and I really don't even care. What makes me angry is that I think that he lied about going into work because he was going out with her, and he could have at least seen the kids earlier in the day. I just got pissed and sent a text earlier like I don't care, but our kids deserve better. Of course he gets all passive aggressive. It's like just be honest! Stop with the BS.

[sarahssarah]

My wife walked out after 20+ years of marriage. Left me and my 6 kids. She wanted to do the holiday meals and have fun times at her apartment --- I said No Way will I pretend everything is fine at your apartment.

 

So your husband is just acting normal. If you pretend nothing is wrong, it helps him move on into his new life. His selfishness is very strong right now so he must keep moving in the direction he wants.

 

---- Yes he has hurt you --- but PLEASE don't let him hurt you any more. In other words, instead of falling apart letting your mind play tricks on you, become determined to live a new life without him. Right now, you don't know how you can. But believe me, I made it with 6 kids and working a full time job, so you will need to lean on family, friends, neighbors to help you out.

 

 

---- You must grieve the loss of your beloved groom --- this is like a death, so google the 5 stages of grief --- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance.

 

 

---- You can't lean on him any longer, and you must not allow him to lean on you. That's not easy to figure out how to do since you've been with him for a long time. Allow yourself to make mistakes as you learn how to live without him (like what happened the other day) and work on doing better tomorrow. No biggie if you "mess up" --- You are not an expert on relationship losses so please give yourself some slack!!

 

---- Don't hold those tears in. If you need to cry at Walmart, do it. If you need to cry driving down the road, pull over and let 'er rip. Tears are a good emotional release, so don't act like you must be tough and never cry. And don't worry if your kids see you cry. Nothing wrong with them seeing mommy is hurting. This can be a time of special bonding. Life is full of different kinds of hurts, and there's no harm in them seeing that life can cause a person to cry. Thank God for tears -- it helps get the pain out of us so we are determined to dry our tears and move forward.

 

---- Listen to music that helps you. Google breakup songs.

 

 

---- Don't rip up pictures, or go around busting stuff when you get angry. Have a friend help you box up some pictures and store them in a safe place. Right now, there will be times when you are angry (look at the 5 stages of grief), and when you are angry, you don't want to destroy stuff that will be important to you and/or your kids later in life. I never thought I'd heal, but it took maybe a good 2 or 3 years until I could actually look at old pictures again. I'm glad that I have some of those old pictures.

 

Basically, you must KNOW that you can make it without him!!!! You probably lived the first 20 years of your life without him -- so don't let your mind play tricks on you acting like you can't live without him. You've already live a chunk of your life without him, so you can do it again.

 

He can live without you.

 

So, show him that you can live without him too!!!

 

What if he would have died, or went into a coma, or for whatever reason he could not be your companion --- you would go on and live a great life.

 

But for some reason, when a person cheats on us or leaves us, we fall apart and act like "oh, it would have been so much easier if he/she would have just died." To me, that's silliness. Any loss hurts. The problem is that we don't like being rejected, so our mind plays tricks on us acting like we must lay down and die if we can't have our spouse.

 

With some hard work and tears, you will make it.

 

 

 

 

Wow your reply HELPED ME A LOT !!! going through a similar issue as the OP .. Currently pregnant & we have a child together. Wonderful husband of 5 years (together for 10yrs) randomly leaves me & is found to be living with his girlfriend..whom he is still claiming isnt his girlfriend. SMH. I need to print your post out & put it on my wall.

[bananaz3]

I am sorry you are going through this and I feel your pain. My spouse and I have been separated for 8 months after being together for 19 years. It was just one day out of the blue when he told me that he doesn't love me that way anymore. I checked our cell phone bills as well and saw a number he was calling frequently that belonged to a girl he worked with. He keeps telling me that they are just friends but it doesn't seem like it. I have pretty much been in denial I think these past few months.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain as I am going through the same.

[Momof3littleones]

I just wanted to update. It’s been like 6 months since I’ve been on here. I’ve officially moved on. I’ve been happier. I was dating from the dating sites and had fun and met someone who I’m exclusive with who makes me happy. I don’t know what the future holds because it’s still early, but I’m enjoying it now. We’re trying to get this divorce moving along. My ex can be a jerk especially since I’m seeing someone else. I just can’t wait to get this all resolved eventually.

[BluesPower]

Good to hear that...

 

And whether the new relationship is permanent or not, isn't it nice to be with someone that makes you happy. It does not have to be forever, but it is great if it can be.

 

Enjoy yourself and enjoy life, it is a great thing.

 

I am really happy that you have turned the corner, I know it was hard, but isn't it great when you get there???

[Momof3littleones]

It sure does. I’m so close to this new guy that he hangs out at the house with me and the kids. The ONLY guy I’ve had around my kids, I don’t have just anyone around them. It’s nice to not be that same wreck I was 9 months ago.