Daily Diary of 20 year affair-need to share

[Clay]

So much for honesty these days. Sure this is going to cause a lot of pain. The OM's wife deserves to know the truth. It blows me away how many people would just burn them. Lets hope no one tells you when your partner cheats on you. What I would have given to have been told the TRUTH. Who cares if its years later its still the truth. You would be amazed to just how helpful this might be to her. he probably convinced her she was crazy or stupid.

 

She deserves the know.

 

C

[road]

I have created a document in word on my computer that tells our story. It is hidden several layers but it could certainly be found. I keep it because i want to remember the story accurately and I also have John's side of the story there as well.

 

It also makes it easier to post our story should i desire to do so on a forum full of strangers.

 

But it is NOT a document I want my children to find or my grandchildren to find.

 

I did not write in for anyone to read except me.

 

I have also written our life story...excluding the affairs...this document is for my family...full of details about our life together. I don't care who reads it.

 

If I ever find out that I am terminally ill...I will delete the affairs documents.

 

We don't know what the intent of another person is....and speculating is not really fair to them.

 

This issue of informing the bw all these years later may sound noble to those who think it should be done...but first of all...we don't know if she already knows....and second of all...we don't know how she feels bout it. She is a stranger...so for us to presume that this elderly woman NEEDS to know or WANTS to know is ridiculous.

 

Sometimes I think we overstep boundaries and interfere in other peoples lives...when it really is none of our business.

 

If this Grandmother felt that the other woman had the right to know....she would have told her. We don't know if she did that or not. If the AP wanted his wife to know ...he too would have told her. Again we don't know what he did.

 

But whether or not she knows...is truly none of our business....and I truly feel absolutely no good can come out of a stranger informing her about an affair a long time ago.

 

I doubt if we are all going to come to a 100% agreement on this...because some people feel that the right thing to do is to tell regardless of the outcome.

 

But when push comes to shove...we all do what we believe is the right thing....But I think we need to remember...the right thing for me...may not be the right thing for you....and I think it would be terribly wrong to risk hurting other people because we want to do the noble thing...especially when...it truly does not affect us one way or the other.

 

 

 

Whether in a book or on a computer people do not always get time

to put their affairs in order before they die. Not everyone gets told

they are terminal, some just drop dead without warning. Some lose

their mental ability before they die.

 

 

So no one can count that they will be able to keep this info from others

finding it and the embarrassment that will follow.

 

 

Also the OW never ever gets to control what the BW learns about

the affair. The OW had no problem doing the OM she should have

no problem with the truth coming out. Do have a problem would be

hypocritical.

[road]

So much for honesty these days. Sure this is going to cause a lot of pain. The OM's wife deserves to know the truth. It blows me away how many people would just burn them. Lets hope no one tells you when your partner cheats on you. What I would have given to have been told the TRUTH. Who cares if its years later its still the truth. You would be amazed to just how helpful this might be to her. he probably convinced her she was crazy or stupid.

 

She deserves the know.

 

C

 

For all we know this BW suspected her WH cheating but VAR and GPS and

key loggers and such other wonderful stuff the BW could not find out the

truth. So her WH got to gaslight the crap out of her and make her think she was paranoid, crazy, delusional, any of the two or all three.

[Bittersweet90]

The other BW deserves the truth.

 

 

I would tell her. No good comes from covering up lies.

 

My point exactly

 

Withholding the truth makes you an accompliance, your covering up the affair and aiding in the deception which is just like lying.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Whether in a book or on a computer people do not always get time

to put their affairs in order before they die. Not everyone gets told

they are terminal, some just drop dead without warning. Some lose

their mental ability before they die.

 

 

So no one can count that they will be able to keep this info from others

finding it and the embarrassment that will follow.

 

 

Also the OW never ever gets to control what the BW learns about

the affair. The OW had no problem doing the OM she should have

no problem with the truth coming out. Do have a problem would be

hypocritical.

 

I am well aware we don't all get to put our affairs..(not infidelities) in order. I am in the funeral business. My point was....if I know.... i will get rid of it. If i suddenly die...I guess I wont know about it.

 

We don't live in a perfect world...and things seldom go the way we plan.

 

There are affairs that happen every day that no one else knows about. There are probably affairs that happens in our own families that we never know about. There are a lot of people who live with secrets....and i guess the bottom line is...we can only control us and what we think someone else should do or not do really doesn't matter.

 

The op has already said he is not going to reveal his grandmothers secret.....and he is not going to destroy the diary. It's his call....regardless of what anybody else thinks is right or wrong.

[Cephalopod]

 

I would never burn the journals-I get a great deal of pleasure reading them, and when they one day go to my own kids, they will have far less interest in them than I do, as they are not very close to Joan, and were not alive during the time of the journal'S writing. The day to day notations are so very interesting to me and I have a vivid recollection of that time and love to read Joan's notations.

 

Joan was not a great wife, mother, nor even grandmother. She was very narcissistic and self centered. However she is who she is and no one can change that.

 

You take great pleasure in reading about how she cheated on your grandfather and betrayed her friend for over two decades?

 

Let me ask you...did she ever once in her writings ever talk about having any guilt or remorse for cheating on her husband?

[road]

You take great pleasure in reading about how she cheated on your grandfather and betrayed her friend for over two decades?

 

Let me ask you...did she ever once in her writings ever talk about having any guilt or remorse for cheating on her husband?

 

I find it a bit disturbing that the OP is not bothered about his

OWGM behavior.

[elaine567]

The OP is not bothered by the infidelity of the GM, as it does not affect the OP personally at all.

It is like watching a soap opera or reading a book or watching a film etc..

It is just a story, and an interesting one at that.

 

To those whose lives have been scarred by infidelity it is a huge trigger, to everyone else it is just life.

[Cephalopod]

The OP is not bothered by the infidelity of the GM, as it does not affect the OP personally at all.

It is like watching a soap opera or reading a book or watching a film etc..

It is just a story, and an interesting one at that.

 

To those whose lives have been scarred by infidelity it is a huge trigger, to everyone else it is just life.

 

I was very close to and spent lots of time with my maternal grandparents. They were in every way as formative and important to me as my actual parents were. They both passed on more than ten years ago.

 

If I were to come into possession of my grandfather's journal where he detailed 20 years of infidelity with one of my grandmother's friends, I would be beyond devastated. It would shake the foundation of my existence, because so much of who I am is tied to the people who helped form me.

 

I would certainly take no joy in reading about my grandfathers extramarital exploits with his hussy. No thanks.

 

OP says his grandmother was selfish and self centered. Okay I get it....he and she were probably not close. I just wonder if he has any sympathy for his granddad.

[elaine567]

I just wonder if he has any sympathy for his granddad.

 

I must have missed it but is there any evidence here that Jooles is a man.

I assumed because of the way this is presented, that Jooles is a woman.

[dichotomy]

If may - one more point about my wife (then divorced and single) reading her dad's journals of sex addiction and affairs.

 

She came to the conclusion that cheating - affairs - were "ok" and normal part of life did not mean you did not love your spouse or were doing anything wrong or hurtful. Because if her beloved dad did this - it must be okay. She could not bring her self to fault him - so she accepted his behavior as normal. She then proceed to sleep with married men, and continued to see that MM all the way through our dating, engagement, and into our marriage. Kids pay attention to their parents and grandparents behaviors to establish their own behaviors and boundaries.

 

OP - to me passing down the journals to generations of family is not helpful unless its clear as you say that your grandmother was a selfish narcissists, other wise I worry they normalize and perhaps even romanticize the hurtful things she did with her cheating. It does not tell the story of her husband or the OM's wife's loss. Just my two cents.

[LostDecades]

Jooles,

 

Have you read all of the journals? Is there a place where the entries seem to indicate that the adultery ended? Did the journal entries end with her injury? Do the journal entries mention Dale's wife? In what way? Are the journal entries more factual or are they thoughts and feelings? It is interesting that the journals seem to have been hidden in plain sight. Did the family know that she was journaling for all those years?

 

Does Dale and /or his wife visit Joan? Are there cards, flowers from either of them to her?

[wmacbride]

I'm kind of surprised that some think the journals were somehow meant for public consumption, and that their contents should be released to the bs.

 

Being a bs myself, I understand wanting to know about an A, but unless someone knows for 100 percent sure that the ap's bs doesn't know, then after all this time, what is to be gained by spilling the beans?

 

It could be that she already knows and she and her ws reconciled. Iapplied these scenario to my own life, if someone came to me ten years from now to tell me that my spouse had an A years ago and they felt I needed to know, it would do nothing more than bring the pain back. What good would it do me?

 

Also, I can't help but think that the author of the journals never meant for them to be seen or read by anyone. The content will be taken completely out of context, and no one knows the circumstances behind them. It's possible the A was purely in the realm of fantasy. No one knows for sure.

 

I write for a living, and I also write for enjoyment and personal reasons. I would be mortified if anyone read my private documents-not because of their contents, but because it's personal. if someone were to read some it it, taken out of context, god only knows what they'd think.

 

It's even possible that the author was a bs herself and was merely writing out her revenge fantasies. the four spouses could have been in open marriages. No one knows.

[Jooles]

From what I can tell, Dale ended the affair several years before Joan had her accident. I don't believe there has been any contact between them. Since Dale and his wife, and Joan and her husband were all friends and part of the same social circle, there was occasional mention of Dale's wife, but only in casual reference to gatherings and outings. There did not seem to be any remorse, nor bad feelings towards her- just matter of fact.

 

To clear up a few things- I am a woman. I loved my Grandfather very much, and must respect the fact that it was his life, and he seemed quite satisfied. He was a very smart, level headed man, and he had to have an idea what was going on.

 

I have no doubts that the journals were not a fantasy. They were very detailed with Joan's daily activities- including what time she got up and went to bed, daily chores, health notations, etc. I remember the time frame as well, and her very busy social schedule.

 

If it helps to clarify things a bit- Joan was my Grandfather's 2nd wife and technically not my Grandma- even though I grew up with her in that role. She was not a traditional woman for those times. I didn't call her Grandma, and she didn't really act like one, but I love her all the same. I just felt it would be too complicated to follow. ( it is super complicated)....

 

Telling the wife will not happen. Either she turned a blind eye to it at the time ( hate to say this but cops are frequently unfaithful) or found out and they moved past it. Telling could stir up things from the past and ruin their remaining years together. I have been married over 30 years and have a wonderful marriage and would want to know if I were in a similar situation but I do not feel right about disclosure.

[Jooles]

WMacbride- I can assure you, that the journals are very real, and not made up by me, although the bizarre nature of the whole thing makes me understand why you might get that idea.

 

I don't discuss this with any family members, And made an account here because I wanted to speak about it anonymously. The salacious details do sound like a soap opera of sorts. It is strangely bizarre to get an inside glimpse into the intimate details of someone else's life. I confess to being a very curious person, and nosy by nature. The journals are like a time capsule of people's lives, and maybe I am a bit strange, but I appreciate being able to read them.

[LostDecades]

Jooles,

 

Thank you for answering my questions. I have a better understanding of the relative disinterest of your GF's children in Joan's adultery.

 

If Dale (with or w/o his wife) had continued contact with Joan I would expose because it indicates the affair is ongoing, albeit emotional. If he showed up at a future event, such as Joan's funeral, I would expose after the service. Because his attendance is not because of being in the same social circle. It is because of the adultery. And his attendance is contemporary.

 

The journals are a valuable social and family resource and I agree that you shouldn't destroy them. It seems you intend to keep the salacious details close hold, perhaps until after she passes.

[wmacbride]

WMacbride- I can assure you, that the journals are very real, and not made up by me, although the bizarre nature of the whole thing makes me understand why you might get that idea.

 

I don't discuss this with any family members, And made an account here because I wanted to speak about it anonymously. The salacious details do sound like a soap opera of sorts. It is strangely bizarre to get an inside glimpse into the intimate details of someone else's life. I confess to being a very curious person, and nosy by nature. The journals are like a time capsule of people's lives, and maybe I am a bit strange, but I appreciate being able to read them.

 

I didn't mean you made them up, but rather that she could have. I was wondering if she used it as an outlet for her private thoughts and fantasies, but that doesn't automatically mean she cheated.

 

I wonder how she would feel if she knew someone was reading them

[road]

I didn't mean you made them up, but rather that she could have. I was wondering if she used it as an outlet for her private thoughts and fantasies, but that doesn't automatically mean she cheated.

 

I wonder how she would feel if she knew someone was reading them

 

 

Again you do not want them reading it then you do not write it down.