Regret asking my husband to sleep in guest room

[bharrison]

I'd like to get any advice if I could - I'll try to give the details without getting too long winded (I hope).

 

Been married to my husband now for nearly 10 years - the first year and now this year have been the only problematic times that I can recall - other than that, we generally communicate well, enjoy each others company and don't really argue all that much.

 

Now, during the first 3 months of our marriage, I cheated - I was pregnant and hormonal and confused and not entirely over my previous husband I suppose. My current husband figured out pretty fast that something was up - said I wasn't being very communicative, wouldn't answer my phone when I was out of town on business, etc. The truth of the matter was my ex husband met up with me when I was out of town and stayed at the hotel with me - I was about 5 months pregnant at the time. I admitted to my husband and came clean, we went to a MC for about 6 months. My husband thought that MC was a joke - his perspective was that the counselor was making excuses for me and trying to justify pregnancy hormones as a reason. Although I cheated, he did not.

 

About a month ago, I noticed he decided to start exercising more, saw him spending more money on professional haircuts, new clothes, new hair style and I guess it got me concerned. We got into a big argument and I accused him of cheating on me. He decided to bring up the past - which I thought he forgave me for and I suggested we go to MC. He refused saying it was a joke. I then asked him to get his stuff and go into the upstairs guest room.

 

He's been in the guest room for almost an entire month, I've asked him to come back to the master bedroom and he makes excuses or just simply says no. When he was at work I decided to go into the guest room and noticed:

 

a small mini fridge - soft drinks and some small food items

some workout equipment

more attire thats not his normal attire (more fitted clothes, not the baggy look he used to wear)

 

Last night, he indicated he enjoys his alone time and enjoys the guest room and plans to remain there and that all married couples do not share a bed.

 

No idea whats gotten into him, I don't suspect he is cheating, his phone code is t the same as it was, nothing odd in his phone, no odd calls, or odd hours of going out.

 

Whats going on here...

Edited March 6, 2017 by bharrison

[NTV]

Did you cheat on your first husband with him?

[stillafool]

Well you asked him to move in there so I guess you will just have to get used to it. Most men never feel the same way about their wife after cheating and I guess the fact you were pregnant with his baby when it happened makes it even more difficult to put you back on a pedestal. He may be falling out of love with you.

[bharrison]

Did you cheat on your first husband with him?

 

No, I didn't cheat on my first husband.

[bharrison]

Well you asked him to move in there so I guess you will just have to get used to it. Most men never feel the same way about their wife after cheating and I guess the fact you were pregnant with his baby when it happened makes it even more difficult to put you back on a pedestal. He may be falling out of love with you.

 

If thats the case, why did he forgive me for it? I would have thought that meant it reconciled it and moved forward. To bring it up around 9 years later seem strange. I was in the wrong, he knows that and I haven't dodged it. Why go to MC for 6 months then and go through all the motions - hard to believe 9 years later he just decides he's tired of the act.

[hippychick3]

Honestly, I would suspect he is at least emotionally cheating on you given the changes in his wardrobe, actions, and desire to have his own room. He would probably be using another phone you don't know about to communicate with that person. You have no idea where he is or what he is doing when he is at work all day. There are plenty of hidden opportunities if one wants to cheat.

[Ronni_W]

- hard to believe 9 years later he just decides he's tired of the act.

I agree; the 9 years were probably not an act, for him. However, everything you posted about his new life and lifestyle - and how easily and nicely he's settled right into it - would very strongly suggest that he is having an affair now.

So, from his perspective, far easier and more convenient to just pull out your 9-year-ago indiscretion, so that all the focus will be directed there, in the past...rather than

at what he is up to, presently.

 

(Lack of evidence on the phone that he leaves lying around does not preclude a second phone that he keeps elsewhere. There is a thread in the 'infidelity' sub-forum, about the lengths they will go to, to hide this.)

 

Hope you get to the bottom of it.

[Simple Logic]

I believe he is writing you out of his life. You just accelerated the process when you threw him out of your beadroom.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I'd like to get any advice if I could -

 

I've asked him to come back to the master bedroom and he makes excuses or just simply says no.

 

 

 

You used the bedroom as a weapon, and it backfired.

 

But, be careful taking all the blame. Because this might be exactly what he wanted you to do!! Remember Brer Rabbit and the Tar Baby story? "Only please, Brer Fox, please don't throw me into the briar patch." --- but that is exactly where Brer Rabbit wanted to be thrown.

 

It's hard to say for certain, but let's suppose your husband is really wanting out --- wow --- he now can blame you!! Very convenient for him to do it this way. He can tell his friends and family that you kicked him out. And now he can find a "new" girlfriend that felt bad for him that his wife kicked him out of the bedroom.

 

I'm GUESSING your husband is hiding something. Of course, I don't know for sure, but just be careful how much begging you do to get him back to the bedroom.

[d0nnivain]

Have you told him that you miss him? Have you talked about the greater intimacy you feel in the same bed & more importantly have you shown him?

 

 

Offer to let him make the guest room more of a man cave, a place he can go to be alone but coax him back to bed.

[olivetree]

Seems really suspicious.

 

I wouldn't rule out infidelity based on mostly being home and lack of evidence on the phone.

 

Regarding not seeing anything on the phone:

-He might have another phone or delete all of the messages.

-Perhaps they have a rule not to text until he "goes to bed".

-He likes the spare room because he can text his OW all night long.

 

Regarding being home:

-There are lots of places and times for an affair to take place, such lunch hour, while running errands, etc.

-Or perhaps this is only the beginning most time together is through text and/or at work

 

You know, it IS possible that he he has never gotten over the infidelity and he is resentful.

Perhaps he feels entitled to cheat.

Or he is simply pulling away from you and wants to feel better about himself, hence the preening (but not likely).

 

How have things been for the last 9 years?

Is he regularly around female coworkers or clients?

Does he ever have to work late?

[kgcolonel]

I am not convinced that there is anything sinister about his reluctance to move back into the bedroom to a wife that:

 

1. has cheated on him with her ex

2. accused him of cheating

3. asked him to leave the marital bed / room during an argument only to try to gain the upper hand.

4. when she's cooled off, changes her mind and tells him to come back.

 

I also don't see it strange that a man who it seems isn't valued at home to begin to work out and when the results begin to show, wants to dress in clothes that allow someone else to notice his efforts.....since their not noticed at home apparently.

 

I am wondering about what redeeming values there are to him to move back into the marital bedroom...closer and easier to be accused of cheating again?

 

There's a lot of scarring in this marriage, much work if it is to be recovered....even if only for the child.

[Mrin]

I think, as others have said, you used the bedroom as a tool/weapon and it didn't have the effect that you wanted. I get it, you were hurting. And you now regret it.

 

That being said, I think there are far deeper issues here with your marriage than that or even if he was getting some side action. My guess is that he's really Done with you and your marriage and has been for some time. Or at least the current version of it.

 

He obviously hates MC so I wouldn't go down that path again. Can you guys communicate well on your own? If so, you might want to think about engaging him in a discussion about reinventing your marriage. Check out a book called Marriage Confidential by Pamela Haag. I think you might find it helpful.

[Mr. Lucky]

Whats going on here...

 

You're basically being "180'ed", here's the link from the infidelity forum:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Why he's waited 9 years, I don't know. To me, you don't come across as the most remorseful WS to post on these pages. Hopefully his exile to the guest room wasn't the last straw...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JS84]

Cheating or not it sounds like he's checking out of the marriage and detaching. And while he may have forgiven you for what you did (or at least claimed to), that doesn't mean he forgot or completely got over it. I've seen more than enough stories of BS, especially men, coming to these sites 5, 10, 15, and even 20 years after they were cheated on and talking about how much they regret staying with their cheating spouse and not leaving sooner than they did.

 

Or he really could be cheating, idk. If he is, accusing him with no evidence isn't the smart play. You just have to watch and be vigilant. But sorry to say it does look like he's trying to separate himself from you.

[dichotomy]

What did you do to earn his forgiveness ?

 

How long did it take for him to forgive you ?

 

Besides this recent argument - how has the sex, marriage and things been lately ?

 

To me being cheated on is like getting a major body injury - the hurt fades with time .... but any stress, illness, "bad weather" - and you can feel the hurt again to an extent...and it can be an issue.

 

Men dont forget and forgive being cheated on easily.

 

Its also possible he is having a normal mid life crisis - highlighted by your old betrayal - could be cheating - or could be just hurting you back by acting like he is . I went though a phase where I lost weight, and upped my game but never actually cheated. It felt "good" to feel attractive, masculine, and in charge...and also felt "good" to make my wife worry.

[Imajerk17]

I'd like to get any advice if I could - I'll try to give the details without getting too long winded (I hope).

 

Been married to my husband now for nearly 10 years - the first year and now this year have been the only problematic times that I can recall - other than that, we generally communicate well, enjoy each others company and don't really argue all that much.

 

Now, during the first 3 months of our marriage, I cheated - I was pregnant and hormonal and confused and not entirely over my previous husband I suppose. My current husband figured out pretty fast that something was up - said I wasn't being very communicative, wouldn't answer my phone when I was out of town on business, etc. The truth of the matter was my ex husband met up with me when I was out of town and stayed at the hotel with me - I was about 5 months pregnant at the time. I admitted to my husband and came clean, we went to a MC for about 6 months. My husband thought that MC was a joke - his perspective was that the counselor was making excuses for me and trying to justify pregnancy hormones as a reason. Although I cheated, he did not.

 

About a month ago, I noticed he decided to start exercising more, saw him spending more money on professional haircuts, new clothes, new hair style and I guess it got me concerned. We got into a big argument and I accused him of cheating on me. He decided to bring up the past - which I thought he forgave me for and I suggested we go to MC. He refused saying it was a joke. I then asked him to get his stuff and go into the upstairs guest room.

 

Whats going on here...

 

Just because YOU thought the cheating issue was resolved and buried for good doesn't mean that it was to your husband, read the threads and posts on here to see for yourself that it likely was not... [Anyway if MC really isn't a joke, then I would have thought your marriage counselor would have known enough to have told you already that the scars of infidelity last many many years. Looks like your marriage counselor did not though. But I digress...]

 

It's quite likely your husband just fell out of love w you. Between your cheating and your kicking him out of the bedroom for, what again? , I am not at all surprised why.

Edited March 7, 2017 by Imajerk17

[DKT3]

If thats the case, why did he forgive me for it? I would have thought that meant it reconciled it and moved forward. To bring it up around 9 years later seem strange. I was in the wrong, he knows that and I haven't dodged it. Why go to MC for 6 months then and go through all the motions - hard to believe 9 years later he just decides he's tired of the act.

 

Saying he forgave you and actually doing it are two entirely different things. It's clear he hasn't, I'm guessing he has been checked out for a while, you asking him to move bedrooms may have given him the excuse he needed.

 

Sadly, the cheater doesn't understand the infidelity never goes away for the cheated, you merely learn to live with it.

[bubbaganoosh]

Old Chinese saying. "Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it"

[Poutrew]

The reason he waited 9 years is because of the child. Now that the kids older, he has no reason to stay with you - see, he never really forgave you for the affair. He just swallowed a bitter pill and kept it down for the sake of the kid. I think he is separating from you , and you simply accelerated the process when you kicked him to the other room. I suggest you begin to divest from this man - make sure your money is in a separate account, etc. Unfortunately, you are now realizing that cheating is never forgotten or truly ever completely forgiven...

[Mr.Empty]

I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions that he is now cheating. I can relate to his side of things.

 

People seem to confuse forgiveness with forgetting. It's entirely possible he genuinely forgave you, but don't expect something that traumatic will ever just be forgotten. It's an emotional scar that will be with him forever.

 

How was your sex life prior to his lifestyle changes? I know in my marriage, when things were getting stagnant, I started trying to lose weight, work out and dress better simply to get my wife to notice me.

 

If this is what your husband was doing, then being accused of cheating when he's trying to make an effort to connect with YOU would be exponentially more hurtful and I wouldn't blame him for disconnecting. It's hard to put yourself out there emotionally with your spouse. When my wife rejected me, I put up emotional barriers and felt it was easier to disconnect and feel nothing, then to go through the hurt of rejection.

 

As opposed to inviting him back to your bed, make an effort to do something sexy for him to show you still care. Something spontaneous in the kitchen or car, or sneaking into his bed at night and then go back to your own bed. That would get me to open up again. If he's still put-offish, then maybe he is getting his satisfaction elsewhere. You have to decide if his love is worth putting yourself out there for possible rejection.

[anika99]

I don't blame your husband for being disgusted with the marriage counselling you and he attended after your infidelity. Pregnancy hormones are not a reason or excuse to cheat. I wouldn't want to continue marriage counselling of that nature either. Even in your first post you seem to brush aside your cheating as being due to hormones and confusion. It doesn't sound like you ever really took responsibility or experienced true remorse. Instead you just found a marriage counsellor who would agree with your weak justifications. The marriage counselling was a joke. You should have been in counselling yourself to work on your poor boundaries and questionable integrity.

 

If you read through several threads on this forum there have been many men who just haven't been able to forgive sexual cheating, even after many years. They wanted to, they tried to, but they just couldn't. Your husband was in a really tough spot. Married only three months and you were pregnant with his child.i can see why he was motivated to stay and try to forgive but his perspective has probably changed a lot over the years. I suspect that if he had it to do all over again he wouldn't have stayed.

 

You have to decide what you want to do now and then assert yourself. Let him know that you are not okay with the marriage as it is and insist on counselling. You may need to revisit your infidelity. You need to find your remorse and your empathy for the pain you inflicted on your husband. He needs to know that you really get it. If you don't get it then find a counsellor who will help you get. Never ever tell him that it was due to pregnancy hormones again. Not only is that a lame justification it's insulting of his intelligence.

[BluesPower]

You affair was rug swept 9 years ago. You guys did not know enough to understand that your marriage counselor was a moron just like most that I have ever seen.

 

Your husband never got over your betrayal and of course you just thought everything was fine. And based on our one or two sentence explanation of your affair well you thought everything was just great on your end.

 

I mean you were pregnant with his child for Christ's sake. And you as the cheater at the time just thought yeah I was hormonal. You really need to wake up. That was a horrible betrayal.

 

He never forgave what you did to him and you did nothing to help him heal and you were silly enough to listen to a stupid MC and by into all that junk.

 

Here is the big news. He is absolutely having an affair and what is more he will more than likely divorce you when he is ready or caught buy you.

 

Unfortunately karma can really be a drag.

[Popsicle]

It happens often enough that Married couples start to sleep in separate rooms and they haven't had any cheating or any of that. They just get tired of each other but intend to remain married. I repeat, they are staying married.

 

Oh, and they're not having sex either, no matter what lies they say to the contrary.

[stillafool]

If thats the case, why did he forgive me for it? I would have thought that meant it reconciled it and moved forward. To bring it up around 9 years later seem strange. I was in the wrong, he knows that and I haven't dodged it. Why go to MC for 6 months then and go through all the motions - hard to believe 9 years later he just decides he's tired of the act.

 

He more than likely only took you back for his child's sake.