My husband pushed me to the ground

[Clare]

Hello. I am a newlywed and have been with my husband for 4 years, living together most of that time.

We love each other a lot but we have always had a volatile relationship. We've been working on improving our communication and getting better.

But last night we had an awful fight which folllowed the old pattern of our fighting. Him asking me to shut up, me continuing to talk. He then got very angry and called me names and told me to f*ck off.

I have learnt to normally back off. I didnt last night though. I insisted he say sorry.

He kept telling me to shut up and to leave him be, and to F&ck off .

I kept asking him to say sorry until he eventually said "this is your last warning"

I said "or what? I will not be intimidated by you"

He then said "oh yeah?" and grabbed me by both arms and pushed me hard. I crashed backwards into the back corner of the lounge and then onto the floor. He shoved me with such force.

I have a bruise coming out on my bottom and it hurts to squat because the pain is in the muscle.

 

I sat on the floor and cried for ages. He ignored me and started to vacuum (we'd been cleaning house together).

I cried and screamed and said he'd crossed the line. I felt a bit hysterical and he grabbed me and shook me and told me to shut up. I kept crying. Then he held me, hard by the arms and told me I had to shut up.

I did. I went out for a drive and sat in the car and cried and cried.

Later we talked, because I asked if we could.

He said he was sorry, but mainly he was still angry and told me how what i did was just as bad...pushing him to a point where he snapped like that. I admitted I had been at fault too and said Iwas very sorry but that I didnt think what I did was as bad as him shoving me the way he did. I told him it hurt to sit on my bruised bottom.

I told him he couldn't justify that behaviour..but he kept on saying what I did wrong...and saying he knew he was wrong..BUT...

 

Later I told him I wanted to stick with our marriage in spite of what happened and that I loved him. He was still angry and said he didnt care whether he was with me or not.

That hurt me very very much.

We've been having a good time lately...few fights. He said that doesnt outweigh how bad he feels when we have a bad fight.

I asked if he was ashamed of what he'd done to me. He said no. He said considering the circumstances it wasnt that bad.

I cried more and went to bed. I even tried to hug him and say again I wanted to work it out.

He told me not to touch him.

It's now 3am. I am awake and crying. he is asleep. I dont know what to do.

I love this man and he said he loves me still.

I know this is bad.

I cant get him to see how bad what he did was though, because he is so focussed on how much I pushed him.

Please help with advice ....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Go to marriage counseling, and individual counseling for you both. It sounds like a mutually unhealthy thing you have going there: and both of you need to work on your own problems as you are working out your problems with each other.

[Moose]

I think you two just need to learn how to communicate efficiently. You may have to swallow some pride in order to do this. Most everybody on this forum will throw Marriag Counceling on you, and that's a good idea, but quite frankly, I say don't waste your money. Go to the library and get some self-help books on communicating with your spouse.

 

Since your husband isn't afraid of getting physical with you during your arguements, you'll have to be the mature one in this and make the first move......

[jnel921]

Clare,

 

The fact that he said that you pushed him to do it.............was wrong of him to say. It doesnt matter how many of his buttons you push. If he decides to take it to a physical level...That is his choice. He can easily walk away and leave the home if he feels that compelled to become violent. Please don't make excuses for him.

 

You also need to recognize when its time to quit also. I'm sure if you would have left it alone from the very beginning and just stopped talking to him...eventually he would have to come to you..ask for a sincere apology and talk about whatever the problem was without getting physical.

 

Communication is a 50/50 thing. When you are screaming and cursing it takes away from the whole point of the conversation. Now the discussion turns into "why did you call me a so and so" or "who do you think your calling a blank". Instead of what you really need to be discussing. Everyone's defenses are up so where did the conversation go? Nowhere.

 

It's better to walk away when things get hot. If you try and talk to your husband and you see that it is going in another direction then let him know that you will address the problem later on when he can focus on the topic.

 

Physical abuse can end a marriage really quick. The fact that there is no remorse on his part is a dangerous thing. If you feel it may happen again..Then leave. Even if it is for a while. But get some counseling. You definetly have issues communicating. You cant do it with your fists.

[Moose]

Communication is a 50/50 thing.

Correction......Communication is 100/100 thing. There is no such thing as 50/50 in a marriage.....nowhere.

[New_Wife]

WOW! So you fight and it's okay to knock you down? Cool! What next? If you disagree on the budget can he smack you across the face? Kick you in the stomach?

 

Sweetie, this is NO GOOD. Real men do NOT raise their hands to women. period. end of story.

 

Real men walk away, close and lock a door while they say bad things about you under their breath, drive off with tires squealing to emphasize that they're pissed at you, etc. NO SHOVING.

 

I've been in your shoes, and they fill with cement real fast. No one can "push" another person to harm you. That's a load if I ever heard one.

 

What happens when you have kids? Can they push him too? Oops, sorry Babe, I killed the little one because he kept wetting the bed?

 

RUN to counseling. don't walk. Don't dilly dally. RUN. If he won't go with you, really, that tells you all you need to know about how important you and your marraige are.

[Craig]

Make friends with "time outs." From the little you wrote I'd guess that both of you are deeply hurt by what has been going on.

 

His getting physical with you was wrong. Your continuing to push his buttons was wrong. This is all wrong.

 

If your marriage is to survive you both need to get to the underlying issues that cause situations like this. You said that your fight followed the old pattern of your fighting. Clearly and based on results what you have been doing isn't working and so it is time to change and work on your dispute/disagreement/conflict resolution skills or end the marriage. Nothing at all will get better unless and until what ever issues are at the heart of these challenges are addressed and you aren't going to do it by doing what you've always done.

 

Someone said that a marriage is 100/100 and I agree. Additionally, sometimes one partner has to do most of the work on the marriage, sometimes only one partner keeps it together and carries the marriage (and the other partner).

 

Counselling individually and as a couple is an option but keep in mind the value you get from counselling depends upon your willingness to approach situations honestly, openly and the amount of effort (work) you put into it.

 

This is a hill to get over in your marriage, it isn't the end of the marriage. If you want what your marriage could be then work on it with all your heart and know there'll likely be down days sometimes before it gets better.

[StillHurtin]

I am sorry that he hurt you. I hope this was the only time, and the last. I lived through that kind of crap for too many years but finally went to IC for the both of us. MC we tried but it didn't seem to get us anywhere. We have read books on improving out M and they seemed to help.

 

My H use to hit, push, and call me names too when we argued. He filed for a D and we separated. During the time of our separation he did admit he moved too fast. I moved back to my hometown and a month later he called wanting to reconcile. I told him he needed to go to IC for his anger if he wanted the M to work. We were both seeking IC. He lived 100 miles from me so it was hard to do MC at the time. My IC told me that when I feel the need to yell and scream to walk away, go for a drive, just get away. He told me if my H does the same to tell him until he can talk to me in a calm manner w/o using hurtful words I was not going to speak to him, and walk away.

 

It has worked and our M is better than it was b4 he filed for a D.

 

Are you members of a church? Maybe you can get counseling w/ your minister. If your H refuses MC then I would really reconsider staying w/ him. If he isn't willing to try MC then he isn't willing to make the M work, JMO.

[jnel921]

Originally posted by Moose

Correction......Communication is 100/100 thing. There is no such thing as 50/50 in a marriage.....nowhere.

 

Moose,

 

If u break it down into simple fractions its the same thing. Communication should be equal...meaning we both talk and we both listen. I agree that other aspects of marriage arent usually equal... But when it comes to communication thats where you have to both make equal efforts.

 

If one person is not willing to acknowledge the other persons feelings then there is a serious proble.

 

There are self help books that can help too. There is an excellent one by Harville Hendrix called Getting the love you want a couples guide. Which is a 365 day workbook filled with daily excercises and meditations. If Clare and her husband can commit to at least 30 minutes everyday to do the workbook I'm sure that would do wonders for their communication. At least it would be a start. The commitment to work together. This book will help them to improve their listening skills which is important in a marriage.

[Moose]

jnel921,

 

You are still in-correct. If you talk, and I listen, then it's only 50/50. If you talk and I listen, comprehend, acknowlege you, and take the neccessary steps to clarify, and rectify......then I'm putting in 100%. It's not a simple matter of listening. Anyone can do that.......

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I agree with the other posters. He could have and should have walked away. He kept warning you....this scares me. Does this mean he KNEW he was capable of hitting you? Has he hit any other women like this? I would do some ground work if I were you.....AND get thee into counselling.

[jnel921]

Originally posted by Moose

jnel921,

 

You are still in-correct. If you talk, and I listen, then it's only 50/50. If you talk and I listen, comprehend, acknowlege you, and take the neccessary steps to clarify, and rectify......then I'm putting in 100%. It's not a simple matter of listening. Anyone can do that.......

 

Ok Moose.. I hear u....

 

Communication is important from beginning to end. Speaking your mind and Acknowledging the other persons feelings and thoughts , mirroring them back to the person, letting them know that this is acknowledged and understood. Finding a resolve that sensitive to both parties... its somerthing that takes 100% from each person.

 

No half assed stuff here.

[Annacabana]

He committed a crime, I would have called the cops. If a stranger treated you this way, would you have just let the stranger off the hook? You deserve better than to be treated that way. I'm sorry:( Please be careful. Anna

[Outcast]

I don't think this is a communication issue. The fact that he isn't remorseful, won't apologize, and minimized what he did is a HUGE RED FLAG. Speak to your local domestic violence center. You have already said that this is a 'volatile' relationship and you're making excuses for him. BIG MISTAKE. He has begun the slide into being out of control - and what's worse is that, unlike most abusers, he's not even sorry.

 

Quit trying to avoid the truth. This man is a bomb and when he blows, you'll be the casualty.

[Clare]

Hello all. Thanks verymuch for the replies and support.

 

It's now the next morning. He IS sorry, and says it was wrong, and cannot be justified in any way, even though I did push his buttons.

 

He says he is really hurting on the inside too, because I overstepped the line, and previous rules of behaviour we'd agreed upon and kept pushing. He felt trapped and disrespected and very hurt that I could treat him that way.

 

I have explained how hurt I feel too on the inside (and I also have a big bruise which hurts to sit on!) and that this cannot happen again.

 

In the past he has shaken me, and grabbed me by the shoulders and told me to stop.

I have a part to play. I KNOW what I should be doing. I have been doing the right thing, but last night I just couldn't back off, even when he asked me to stop and asked could we talk about it later.

 

He tried to follow the rules, and I broke them. Then of course, he stepped right over the line himself, and in shoving me, broke all the rules too.

 

We've been to counselling. That' how we've come to make changes and have a better, smoother relationship. Last night was like a setback...a slip into old ways, and it was awful.

 

I appreciate the concerns expressed by some of you, but we've been working together, and I am not going to give up on the marriage because of one big bad setback. He actually says he was ready to walk himself lastnight, because he felt so dissapointed and hurt by me, and us.

He is still angry and on edge today. We have talked, nicely to each other, but if I push the issue, or go on about how I am hurting, he just gets angry, and says HE is hurting just as much, and can I just leave it and give him space.

He needs to cool down and think. I on the other hand, want to talk about it.

 

Hopefully tonight he will be feeling more calm.

 

I have said the physical shoving etc can never happen again. I asked if he was in control. He said yes. I said well then, never ever choose to push me or physically hurt me again

 

As for me, I felt outof control. Going on at him. I need to learn to remove myself from the situation when I feel that way.

 

Meanwhile, the physical pain I have while sitting here is a constant reminder to me of how bad things got. I makes me feel so so sad and shocked that this has happened.

[Moose]

No half assed stuff here.

Thanks, I hope you don't think I was trying to be a smart ass......I just needed to clarify a little.

 

Clare.......be patient, he can't do this on your time table. I couldn't either. I was never, and never will be physically abusive to my wife, but I lose my temper very easily......can I suggest something for you two?

 

Use a code word.

 

For example, when you feel threatened, say, "DEFCON 3", when he feels his rage is reaching beyond control, he'll say, "FUBAR"......if you don't know what that is......I'll PM it to you.

 

This will be a clear indication to each other to seperate, and not only that, you'll both begin to understand where the boundaries are before it gets out of hand again.

 

Don't set deadlines, and don't even mention where the line is drawn. This will only cause him to believe you are trying to control him.

 

I hope this helps, and I've been where you're at. It warmed my heart to hear you say you won't give up over this.....carry on soldier!!

[johan]

Clare, hang in there. All I can say is I agree with

Real men walk away, close and lock a door while they say bad things about you under their breath, drive off with tires squealing to emphasize that they're pissed at you, etc. NO SHOVING.

[katty]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is just the beginning. I was in an abusive marriage, dated the same guy for 4 years and then married him and he slapped me to the floor on our honeymoon.

Here is the truth, it starts with a push, shove, pull, etc. and it will get worse, your husband needs to know this is unacceptable, especially if you still want your marriage. He must know that laying his hands on you will not be tolerated.

I know you love your husband and you will want to stay in this marriage so the only thing I can offer you is to please for your own safety, when he is angry, leave him alone, don't keep nagging but leave the situation. I am not saying to let him win the fight but there is some men who fly mad and need time to calm down before they can interract rationally. I think you both should go to counseling and he must know that pushing, hitting,etc. will not be tolerated.

I will say an extra prayer for you tonight. I wish you the best.

[Lonestar]

You're husband is an abuser and you're both caught up in the cycle of abuse. With time and more pushing, shoving, and name calling, you'll be ripped of all your self esteem and take the blame for all his behavior. You're already doing that now. You need to separate from this man now (but I know you won't). Staying only condones his abuse, and trust me when I tell you he WILL do it again. You gave him the green light by staying.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know how hard it is, I've been there. You won't get out until either you hit bottom, or he leaves you. Most likely he'll leave you first, and not only will you be an empty shell from all the abuse, but you'll also feel extreme rejection because you stayed though it all to make it work, and he left you. It will take years of therapy and rebuilding your life before you feel like a real person again and regain half the confidence you had before he tore you down to nothing. Do NOT get pregnant, do NOT have children, it will NOT make things better. Only worse. It's not fun to be abused in any fashion while pregnant. In fact, it's the worse thing a woman could ever experience in her life.

 

Like I said, I've been there. Take care of yourself.

[Clare]

Thanks all for the replies.

You are right, I am not going to leave. I dont see this as a pattern of abuse, even though I can see that the behaviour is abusive. I dont think it was right, and neither does he.

We understand the real need to make changes now.

I am sad, yet hopeful. We spoke over lunch. He said sorry again.

 

I spoke with a married friend of mine today. She hasbeen through similar episodes with her husband. I must say I was shocked. I felt so alone, and so embarassed, and yet she also has had the odd occassion where an argument has got right out of hand.

[Craig]

Clare, I don't believe that you are in a typical abusive relationship. Paraphrasing what you said, the behavior was abuse but it doesn't seem to be a pattern of abuse.

 

I haven't seen any evidence of you or your husband being a typical abuser as your relationship currently is. I commend you both on working on your marriage through counselling and also being willing to admit to temporarily screwing up and then being willing to work on making things better. Along the path of change there are always set backs where behaviors we don't want might pop up. Nothing to be concerned about unless the old behaviors start becoming a habit again.

 

I hope that your husband comes to realize that physical violence is not acceptable and also that you have the courage to do the right thing if he is ever physically violent with you again. 911 followed by an arrest and court mandated therapy, counselling, anger management classes and etc. comes to mind.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by jnel921

It doesnt matter how many of his buttons you push. If he decides to take it to a physical level...That is his choice. He can easily walk away and leave the home if he feels that compelled to become violent.

 

Okay, I never laid a hand on my XW. but walking away is not always an option. My XW would never allow me to do that. She would push and push and if I tried to walk away to calm down, she shot out with "That's good, just walk away from the problem." And if I tried to leave the house to get away from the argument and cool down, "You walk out that door and the marriage is over." Granted my XW was and still is an unreasonable psychopath, who never listened to valid arguments because "that's different", or would rewrite history and claim to never have said the things she said. But what options was I left with in that situation? Resort to violence or get emotionally beat down. I chose the latter.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

to Devildog....what could be worse than staying in a marriage where you get emotionally beat down? IMO you need to take the door option and let her rethink her behavior.

 

Clare, it couldn't be more obvious that this IS a pattern. That's WHY you two have been in counselling for it. I agree with Craig that you need to do more if you want the marriage to work.

 

You are never EVER to blame for someone else abusing you. You can push all the frickin buttons in the world THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL ABUSE.

 

He is the one who has to control his actions, not you. HE needs more than marriage counselling. He needs anger management therapy and calling the cops on him is a good place to start.

 

Please keep talking to your friend who is in the same situation. You two will need each other.

[New_Wife]

Well that is some good news, Clare! I am so glad that harming someone can be blamed on another. In fact, I'm really quite peeved at my neighbor, as she keeps parking on the sidewalk right in front of my property after I've repeatedly asked her not to. Since she continues to push my buttons, I've decided I'm perfectly within my rights (by your logic) to go beat the living daylights out of her with a baseball bat. In fact, if she gives me any lip, I'm gonna put some quarters in a sock and use it as a mace on her.

 

Uh, what????

 

Does this make any kind of sense to you? I mean really?

 

"Hey, you made me mad so I'm gonna assault you" Uh yeah. That'd be a neat world.

 

If your man pulled that crap on anyone outside of your home, he'd be in the slammer. Do not pass go, Do not collect $200. The police, the courts, etc. would not give a hairy rats butt what was said - when a person assaults another person - they are wrong. You should not have to live in fear of speaking your mind or getting hurt. That's crap.

 

I don't care if 20 abused women say "oh it's a phase, you'll get over it." I don't care if 100 do. It's not true. Read JMargels stuff. That man has had enough trouble with his wife and relationship of late that if anyone had an excuse, he would. But you know what? It's not in his makeup. He loves his wife, and would not hurt her. That is the key. When my husband is mad at me, he goes for a drive. When my brother is mad at his woman, he goes for a run. There is never a time you can't leave. Period. If your choice is leave vs. hit, you're a moron if you stay.

 

You should seriously consider more counseling for yourself. That you accept and excuse this so easily speaks volumes about your self-esteem.

[whichwayisup]

He needs to get a grip, go to anger management. He had NO RIGHT to push you down to the ground, let alone, speak to you so rudely, swear at you and tell you to shutup.

 

There has to be common respect and if he feels pissed off, he should handle it better! Leave the room and calm down!

 

If my husband ever pushed me down like your H did to you, or hit me -I'd give him one chance. Happened a second time he'd be out the door so fast!! Even if it devastated me, I would end it immediately.

 

There is NO EXCUSE for physical violence, even shoving. The emotional abusive is bad enough.

 

I hope you have a support system, friends and family to talk to...Because the way your H is acting, things could get worse... Until he gets help for his issues (and obviously he has MANY) I would leave him until he fixes himself.

 

Keep posting and I hope you're okay.