My husband pushed me to the ground

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

awww guys....but he said he's sorry...

[whichwayisup]

and yet she also has had the odd occassion where an argument has got right out of hand.

 

ALL couples fight at one time or another. That's just normal. What isn't good is the disrespect, the crossing the lines and physical stuff. Sorry, that's NOT cool.

 

Saying sorry once OK, but if he keeps on saying sorry, will you forgive and forgive until one day he turns even more violent and puts you in the hospital??

 

I feel for you, but until you decide enough is enough, this pattern is going to last a very long time.

[Ladyjane14]

I've been married for well over 20 years to the same man. And sweetie, he has NEVER laid a hand on me in anger. We've had our share of troubles, just like most couples. He's been so mad at me, at times, he could have just combusted on the spot, shooting me a blazing look or saying something absolutely nasty.

 

But he's NEVER touched me in anger.

 

Incidents of physical abuse are NOT something that should be a normal hurdle. This is NOT something that is normal for young married couples.

 

Are you going to ask him what kind of mood he's in before you speak freely to him 10 years from now? Will you tiptoe around on eggshells for the rest of the evening everytime he shoots you a filthy look? Will you deflect his anger onto yourself and away from your babies one day in the future?

 

What does your mother say about this? ....Your sister? ....Your best friend?

 

If they are advising you to leave him; these people who love you the best....then, by all means, leave him.

 

My advice to you is to make this incident COSTLY to him. If at some point, he can prove to you that he's received the help that he needs, and you are confident that he has EARNED your trust.....take him back.

 

Until then....get away from him. NEVER allow a man to physically assault you and get away with it. Make this time, the LAST TIME.

[Clare]

I appreciate everyone's concern.

I am not silly nor do i see myself as a doormat, or weak, and yet I think perhaps some of you think I am those things for staying. Who knows? I'd probably at one stage have said the same responses to someone on here, if they posted what I did.

 

I am staying in the marriage because there is a lot that is good about it, and because, while the line was crossed now, I can see that we can both learn from this experience and make sure it never happens again.

 

I have not told my mum, or my best friend. I know they would be protective of me, and judge. It's human nature. At best, they would worry a lot.

 

I have told a friend who is also a counsellor and who knows both my husband and I, and has counselled us both invidually in the past, and is always unbiased.

 

I called her in tears the other night. She has not suggested I leave him. She HAS suggested I insist this never be repeated, and that we BOTH work on ways to disengage and stop things blowing out of control.

 

She does not accept his behaviour as right in any way, but is very away, that MY behaviour was also not right, and could be seen as emotionally abusive.

 

You can grade the behaviours I suppose, and say that physical abuse is always far worse, but in the end, we were both wrong, and we are both sorry and both wish to change.

 

It is scary to me to know he is capable of going that far. He does not however, control me in any way or routinely put me down and push and shove. He is overall loving and supportive and we both have many freedoms in the marriage to pursue our own goals etc. I have read up on abuse, and often an "abusive" person as such, is controlling in many ways and I dont think my husband fits that pattern.

 

 

reading the responses on here however, does of course make me worry and feel anxious all over again.

But I do believe I am doing the right thing at this point.

 

Thanks all again, for the support and thoughts.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Moose

Correction......Communication is 100/100 thing. There is no such thing as 50/50 in a marriage.....nowhere.

 

 

Ever since you said this a while back Moose, I always tell everyone this because I really believe that is how it should be!

[Outcast]

Clare. Make it an absolute - he EVER touches you again in anger, you're gone.

[Clare]

Thanks...and yes, we made a promise to each other last night.

[ExothermicMan]

I have read over the entire subject, and I have never found one piece of crucial information: is this the one and only instance where anger was expressed physically throughout the duration of your relationship?

 

If so, then I would be so bold as to say that there is probably not much to worry about, especially considering the fact that you have been together for 4 years. By all means do ensure that it cannot happen again; do not forget this instance and make him swear that it will not be repeated. It is always easier to do something bad the second time around, never forget this. However it may not even be an issue if he is non-violent and this was a one time incident.

 

If this is not the first time, then I see very little reason for staying together. A one time instance can be forgiven; perhaps even twice over the span of many years. But if there was more than one instance in the time you were together, it is likely that you will face an unpleasant future with this man.

 

It would be great if you supplied us with the information on how many times your husband expressed his anger physically on you.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey clare,

I know what you are going through .. my h is very controlling and says that it is my fault when he acts out and throws or destroys things.. we give them no reason to act the way they do and we are the stupid ones to think it is our fault!! Why do we stay ?who knows!! Maybe we feel that they can be nice and loving and arent always that way .. My h can fun ald loving but when he can be mean he can be very scary and nothing i do or say gives him the right to do the things he does!! We need to make the decison whether we stay or go !! i know one thing for sure so tired of all the crap!! Good luck pm me anytime you need to talk

[CurlyIam]

Why is he that angry with you? What caused the fight?

 

From your first post, what I see is an dominator-dominated relationship. Not a loving relationship. No loving husband lets his wife pour her heart out in the next room while vacuuming.

 

Clare, you're clinging on to him. You're the only person who's actually putting in some effort in making this relationship work. It takes 2 to have a relationship in the first place. What did he actually do after the firght, beside saying he's sorry? Facts, look at facts and facts alone.

 

I am the last person to give up, but at least if you're staying, take a good look at your present. Who's the man you're sleeping near? A man who wouldn't let you touch him after hurting you? What evil did you do to desirve this?

 

You've promised this wouldn't happen again? You mean you've threaterned his arse out of your house if he ever so much as screams at you, I hope.

 

 

Take your independence back, Clare. Stop being this submissive. You can't fix it all alone. You just can't. No one can. He needs to be there also. You can't do that for him, no matter how much you love him. Let him be. And post about FACTS.

[meanon]

I have said the physical shoving etc can never happen again. I asked if he was in control. He said yes. I said well then, never ever choose to push me or physically hurt me again

Clare, this rule needs to be special, not like the other rules you have that govern your relationship, the ones that you try and live up to but sometimes transgress. You know this one is different.

 

You've articulated the bottom line, it can't happen. My guess is that you've done this before and it has happened again and you have stayed.

 

You may have been wrong too, but the two behaviours are not comparable. Don't make them so.

 

lady jane and moose give good advice. Listen to them. It has to be costly to him, more costly than it currently is. Tell him you will leave if it happens again, the do it if it does. It's the only thing that may stop him. He should also go for counselling alone to help him find less damaging ways of dealing with his anger.

 

Look after yourself, clare

[CurlyIam]

Meanon remind me of something: if you say something, stick by your guns. If you say that you're leaving if he ever shouts at you, and he does shout at you and you're not leaving, your word means nothing to him. ZERO respect.

 

and if he doesn't respect you... what type of relationship is that?

 

whatever you say, do whay you say and say what you do!

[Clare]

hi all. In the past he has yelled and shouted, and even pushed me aside, or grabbed me by the shoulders and shaken me if i have been going on and on and not stopped. Nothing further than that. And those things happened when I actually followed him around the house as he tried to remove himself from the situation. Not good behaviour on my part, but obviously things I have worked on fixing.

He has never shoved me with force, as he did this time. Never hit me. never physically hurt me before. (this time he didnt mean to actually hurt me, but i could the bruise nonetheless).

 

Curly- you ask about facts. He is there too. He has been to counselling with me. I am not working on this alone. This outbursts also dont happen in a vacuum. Not that it makes physical force right.

 

This is not common between us, yelling and shouting. We do fight. Sometimes we have bad fights and there is yelling and swearing by him. We are however getting better, and been reading books on communication and been to a counsellor.

 

Most of the time we are a happy and loving couple. That is a fact.

 

Most of the time we have a lot of fun together. he supports me when I have a bad day. He cuddles and holds me when I am sad. he listens when I want to talk.

These things are a real part of our marriage also.

 

Anyway, now I am sounding defensive. I am just trying to complete the picture.

This is a bad thing that happened. This is something which must not happen again. Something which i am not even sure he grasps as being as bad as I feel it was.

BUT, there is a lot that is very very good about our marriage also.

[Clare]

ps. he has never thrown things, or smashed things or had angry outbursts out of the blue. The anger only happens when an arguments spins out of control...when i wont leave him be when he asks.

 

he says he has never been an angry person...until being with me...and obviously we push each others buttons and have had to learn how to communicate better.

That doesnt mean its my fault he gets so angry, but this is a dynamic that can happen between us, which we are working on fixing.

[Outcast]

I've read that people in anger management are told to walk away when they're angry but that doesn't work if you chase them! For sure you have to stop doing that or both of you will regret it one day. You should walk in opposite directions when that happens.

[Clare]

Originally posted by Outcast

I've read that people in anger management are told to walk away when they're angry but that doesn't work if you chase them!

 

That is one point that he comes back to. He says..."this would never happen if you would just let me be, to cool off. I am very sorry this happened, it was wrong, it was bad...but i can see HOW it happened, because you just wouldnt stop"

 

and of course, I am highly aware of my role in proceedings. And no- i am not saying it makes what he did ok.

 

But like i said...he doesnt just have angry outbursts, or control or dominate me as a matter of course- at all.

 

walking away is what i am working on too.

[CurlyIam]

I am a very calm person and I never allow to anyone to speak on what I consider a loud voice, I had had enough of that as a kid. I am extremely non confrontational, yet I remember dating this guy... ugh!!

 

The relationship was very intense and I can honestely say I didn't think I could ever in a million years get that angry at someone. I remember fighting with him on the phone and kicking with all my power a white fence. Thanks Lord there was no one around to see me ! Honestely, I don't know what could have happened if he was near during that time.

 

So yes, it happened to me. I've never believed it possible, but the one you love can literarily drive you crazy :embarassed:. However, this only happened once in my life. And even I am scared to remember how out of control I was. Especially since I know for a fact that there never is a good excuse to hit someone. Never.

 

 

Get him to control his anger. Learn what made him this mad and try to avoid it in the future, for your relationship's sake.

[meanon]

If it's a good marriage, one that's worth fighting for, then that's all the more reason to find a way of stopping it happening so that he doesn't destroy what you have. (btw I got muddled with names last night, I meant to suggest you listened to ladyjane and outcast ). Chasing him is not a good idea, you must stop it but if you can't, you do not deserve a response of that type. You never deserve that, clare, no matter what you do. Why does he not leave the house, rather than push you? He thinks you deserve it when you behave like that.

 

No-one's judgement matters but yours. You know he loves you, that you have a good marriage most of the time. You also know that it will not last if this sort of thing happens repeatedly. You have to do what you can to make sure it doesn't and if that means risking losing him, then it's worth it because you're worth it and because if you don't, the marriage won't last anyway.