Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[djoner]

Hello LS. Plz 4give the lengthy post.

 

 

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over 4 years. She’s 31 and I’m 36. I met her when she was 25 and we only see eachother on the weekends as we live on opposite sides of town and work in different directions. We both have the same job as State Probation Officers, except she works at a Prison on the opposite side of town while I work at a Office.

 

We have a great time together when we see eachother. She’s a very nice girl, goes to church, and etc. The sex is great, but there’s something missing. I feel she lives in somewhat of a fantasy world. She’s never left her parent’s house and I’m not even really judging her for that until she starts expecting all these fancy things that most people can’t afford. She doesn’t even live in the flashiest of areas. She stays in her parents house in a 1300 square foot home 3 bedrooms. She is a little materialistic. She likes to shop on Instagram and will spend $400 on a pair of shoes and bought a $1300 Louis Votton Purse. She likes to dine at fancy restaurants like Perry’s Steakhouse or Eddie V’s (every birthday) and likes extravagant gifts. She wants a proposal with a nice fancy ring. She’s into diamonds.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I like the fact that she likes to look good, but I don’t see anything else from her. She doesn’t cook or clean, and everytime I go to her house, her room is filthy. Her mother does the cooking in the house. She usually says that she doesn’t have enough room for all her belongings because she stays in her parents house. Although She doesn’t cook, she’ll occasionally pick me up something from a soul food restaurant and will occasionally buy little knick knacks things for me like a shirt or some shoes. During the course of our relationship, I’ve cooked for her, give her massages, taken her places and everything she probably would tell you she does for me. We each take turns paying for dates, although I pay most of the time. She likes to attend concerts a lot. She impulsively buys concert tickets for us two but will kind of throw it in my face later. I’ve taken her on romantic getaways: San Antonio, Dallas,

 

She brings up marriage a lot, usually throwing blame on me because I haven’t proposed yet. I can’t really see myself marrying her the way things currently are. This usually leads to an argument as she starts to pout and give silent treatment. Over the years, I’ve discovered that if we get in an argument, she’ll shut down completely and pout, many times storming out and walking off or hanging up the phone if we’re on the phone together. I’m the talker in the relationship and am the one to tries to amend things, but I grow tired. I often try to reason and talk to her. When we’re in an exchange of words, she likes to try to cut me off before I get a chance to say what I’m trying to tell her. I’m even honest and tell her that I don’t feel like our relationship is solid enough right now to withstand the responsibilities of marriage. I’ve also told her that I understand if she wants to move on if I’m not giving her what she needs by not marrying her. Everytime we get in an argument, she threatens to break up with me or shouts “I don’t think you really want to be with me!”, basically trying me feel guilty to the point where I back off. Or she’ll say things like, “I don’t think this is going to work out!” I’ll ask her, “What are you saying???? Do you want us to break up?” She shout out “YES!” before I even finish asking the question. But she always backs out of that once she cools off.

 

My thing is, I love her, but am conflicted. I don’t want to just quit someone because of their flaws and red flags but I really don’t even think SHE’S ready for marriage. She just wants to blame me for it. She’s been quite bratty before, most recently on Valentine’s Day. I picked up a stuffed bear and candy shrink wrapped in a basket and she pouted about that, talked about me for getting her a bear and candy when I had already told her I was treating her to dinner that weekend. I only drove down to her house with the bear so she’d have a valentine’s Day gift ON Valentine day. We got in an argument over that too in which she talked as if she wanted to break up with me over that, saying I don’t think she’s worth anymore than a BEAR. She always wants a foot rub every weekend but when I ask her for something in return, she falls asleep.

 

She lost her father last summer and I’ve been feeling obligated to her. I gave her $150 when her father died for support. She snapped at me a few times and I tried to be understanding because she lost her father. I’ve been going through it too because my father got sick and recently became paralyzed from the neck down. But she had been acting like that before losing her Dad, so I can’t keep giving her a pass because of that.

 

Help me LS. I feel bad that I’m not on board about wanting to marry her right now. I love our time we spend but I just don’t see her as being stable enough to engage in real marital issues like: finances, sickness, health, etc. I know I had a lot of negative in my post and there are a few positives as well.

[Mkn1010]

I'm a female, almost the same age as her and I have to say, she sounds awful! I know what I would do in this situation... it never ceases to amaze me how people like that are actually loved!

[KBob]

Like you said, there might be positives, but from what I see here, you have a selfish, spoiled brat on your hands. I wouldn't date this woman, let alone marry her. Expect to lose control of your money to her lavish spending habits when you put a ring on it.

[CptInsano]

You are there to fulfill her needs, nothing more. If you argue over how much in material things she gets from you, I would keep my distance.

[salparadise]

You've made a very strong case for why you'd not want to marry her. You'll never be able to meet her unrealistic expectations; it's all about trying to keep her happy and stable... but no matter what you do it's not enough. She shuts down, uses the silent treatment on you, threatens to quit, cannot do effective communication. She doesn't know how to function independently. She wants to go straight from her parent's house to your house, and she'll expect you to shelter her from responsibility just as they have. She'll still be shopping for $1300 purses & shoes while you're struggling to pay a mortgage and buy groceries. You two exist in separate realities. You know it wouldn't work.

 

You don't need to feel bad about knowing what you know and being realistic. You aren't obligated to marry her just because that's what she wants or expects. You are a completely separate individual with your own hopes and dreams and needs. She's not meeting your needs, and that's not going to change. She'll never be happy with a Teddy Bear when there are diamonds that she doesn't yet own. It's going to be your fault every single time that she's not happy. What about you being happy? How often is that a priority?

 

I think there's only one solution, and you know what it is. The question is whether you can see yourself as a separate person and make your own happiness, and your own life, a priority. She's not functional and subjugating your life to that role would be nothing less than a disaster.

Edited March 7, 2017 by salparadise

[Redhead14]

[]

 

She is in no way in a position mentally and emotional to be a wife/partner. Until she has been on her own and has established herself as an independent, secure woman who can support herself, and manage a home and finances, she won't be able to take on the responsibilities of being a partner in a marriage or even cohabitating with someone. She sounds extremely immature and entitled.

 

I would move on from her and soon because you two are not on the same page in terms of lifestyle and compatibility. She's extremely immature for her age and seems to have been coddled by her parents for way too long.

 

If you married her, you would likely have more of a parent-child relationship rather than a mutually supportive relationship.

Edited March 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted full quote of lengthy post ~6

[coolheadal]

You see what your life would be with her. Your not ready for what she has to order you. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking us all here for our advise. This is a learning experience now..

[VeveCakes]

She's 31, not 21. She has a good job and no reason to mooch off her parents. She has no clue about adult life, paying bills, budgeting, housework, etc. This will not change now, it's gone on too long. If you want to marry her, she needs a massive wake up call.

 

I would tell her she needs to live on her own for one year to prove she is independent and marriage material.

 

She basically wants to jump from one support to another without having to worry about anything on her own.

 

Never get a joint account with this woman.

 

To be honest, anyone who complains about a gift is not worth your time imo.

[smackie9]

If she does nothing but argues when you broach the subject then I suggest writing her a letter explaining all your concerns, your expectations, etc. That will be the only way for you to get your point across without being shut down.

[kendahke]

Date her, but don't marry her.

 

She wants a lifestyle that you cannot afford on a probation officer's salary.

 

Let her pout when you don't want to discuss marriage with her. I sure wouldn't. She's not prepared for the rigours of marriage--she's never lived on her own and she needs to do that first before she drags someone into her filthy lair.

 

Do you want to live in squalor with someone who spends all her money (and when you marry, all your money) on Vuitton and Louboutins? Who exactly is she trying to impress by living beyond her means?

 

A filthy house and money will be what precipitates your divorce.

 

This chick is a huge bundle of mess. You'd be very wise to not take this any further than it's already gone.

 

Love isn't going to help this situation. YOu getting a handle on your own autonomy and leaving this chick is the best thing I can come up with. I see no redeeming qualities in this woman.

[Gaeta]

Why did you date this woman for so long? Nothing of this is new to you. For 4 years you looked at her being materialistic, superficial, unappreciative and you stick with it? why?

[djoner]

Hello all. Alot of helpful replies here. I just feel like I'm always finding fault with women and I fear I might end up one of those lonely old men who ran every woman off because they were never good enough. Sometimes I'm thinking I just need to kick back and live a little.

 

My last relationship of 8 years ended because she had a problem too. She had been out on her own but she was somewhat of a control freak and liked to gamble alot while we were trying to move up. But she left when I started putting my foot down. Anyway, she's married now to an African guy with 2 kids. I heard it could've been one of those citizenship marriages but it seems like he's able to handle her in ways I couldnt. Sometimes I just think it's me.

 

I'm closing on a house this Friday and I havent told my gf all the details yet in fear of her thinking I have all this extra money(which I dont) and then we start arguing because Im buying a house but can't buy the ring she wants. I just told her it was a lease to buy. I'm not sure about even giving her a key to it because of course, I don't have a copy of her key to her house (her parents house)

Edited March 7, 2017 by djoner

[VeveCakes]

Did you even read what we wrote?

[kendahke]

Hello all. Alot of helpful replies here. I just feel like I'm always finding fault with women and I fear I might end up one of those lonely old men who ran every woman off because they were never good enough. Sometimes I'm thinking I just need to kick back and live a little.

 

That's not what's going on here and you know it.

 

She's looking at you to save her from her one salary life so that she can continue to live beyond her means. She doesn't respect what she has--look at how she lives. She's slothful and nasty. Do you want someone living in your house like that? Because how her room looks is how your brand new house is going to look if you let her in.

 

You were wise to keep her out of your house buying business--you'd be even more wise to never let her set foot in that house. Beware of her moving in, bit by bit, through her sleeping over (if your nose is still that wide open that you won't put her down). Pretty soon, a weekend will turn into a week; that week will turn into two and by then she's established residency there and you will have to evict her to get her out of your house.

 

But you sound as if you're going to disregard what we've all said. SMH Some people have to learn the hard way that they could have avoided having that 5 lbs of flesh taken off of them.

[lucy_in_disguise]

We all have issues. Would I date someone like her? No, the fiscal irresponsibility and poor conflict resolution skills would be a deal breaker. But everyone has their own criteria, and she has the right to search for a meaningful relationship or marriage if that's what she wants.

 

The question is, why have you been dating her for four years, if you know it's not going anywhere? No matter her issues, it's a little cruel. I'd let her go...

[somanymistakes]

Agreed - you know this isn't going to work out. It's time to part ways. It'll only get harder for both of you if you don't.

[KBob]

You'd better not let her move into this new house, because I'm sure she'll be pushing for it when she finds out. Six months living together common law and you're basically married. Then she starts becoming entitled by law to your assets.

[BettyDraper]

She sounds very immature and extremely materialistic. Of course you don't want to marry a spoiled child! There's no reason to stay together since she wants marriage and you have every reason not to want her as your wife. A person who can't even keep her room clean isn't ready to be a spouse.

 

I admit that I like nice items as well. However, I love to shop on sale as well as Ebay.

[djoner]

Did you even read what we wrote?

 

Yes I did.

 

Why do u say that?

 

I was only stating what I've been struggling with as to why I came to LS asking what you guys thought.

 

And lucy in disguise. While I appreciate your viewpoint, i am a little perplexed as to why you say that by dating her for 4 years, it's a little cruel. I wanted to get to the point of marriage, but She's been showing me these things little by little. Everyone has their breaking point. And plus, I caught feelings too. I didnt want to feel like I made a mistake by leaving at the first sign of trouble when we do share good times together. You're right, I should let her go in which I an preparing myself, but I disagree with the "cruel" comment. Cheating on someone is cruel, verbally abusing someone is cruel.

 

She's been given the chance to walk too, but she stayed in a relationship that she saw as secure with a person who treated her decent.

Edited March 7, 2017 by djoner

[DKT3]

Nothing about this woman says "I'm a good option for a life partner"

 

Selfish, immature, unappreciative, disrespectful and at 31 still living with mommy.

 

Nothing says marry her, instead it all says run, don't look back.

 

OP you sound like a nice guy who lacks the confidence as a man who has what you have should.

 

Almost desperate to keep her in you life even with your guy flashing red SHE IS NOT THE ANSWER, SHE IS ALL WRONG FOR MARRIAGE.

 

You know this so what are you waiting for?

[Mkn1010]

I used to practice as a family lawyer here in Australia (equivalent to a US Divorce Attorney) and Kbob is correct! Be careful

[djoner]

Hey kbob. I pitched the idea about living together before and she said she dis not want to live with someone before marriage. I'm sure that will change. Lol.

 

 

OP you sound like a nice guy who lacks the confidence as a man who has what you have should.

 

Lacks confidence? Lol

 

I think most of the time I'm pretty darn confident. I guess ive put up with it because i didnt want to feel like i was doing the extreme when there are good things about the relatiomship too. She spent alot of money on me at Christmas. So it's just a matter of not wanting to feel like you're giving up on someone who's been in your life because of a couple of issues.

 

So when do you decide enough is enough? Do you know it the first sign

[DKT3]

Lacks confidence? Lol

 

I think most of the time I'm pretty darn confident. I guess ive put up with it because i didnt want to feel like i was doing the extreme when there are good things about the relatiomship too. She spent alot of money on me at Christmas. So it's just a matter of not wanting to feel like you're giving up on someone who's been in your life because of a couple of issues.

 

So when do you decide enough is enough? Do you know it the first sign

 

You're there, when you don't want a relationship to progress it's over.

 

The confidence comment came because you said you feared being old and alone...So you stay, secondly because you think the African guy was able to handle your marriage if ex better than you. Not the comments of a confident man.

[VeveCakes]

Hey kbob. I pitched the idea about living together before and she said she dis not want to live with someone before marriage. I'm sure that will change. Lol.

 

 

 

Lacks confidence? Lol

 

I think most of the time I'm pretty darn confident. I guess ive put up with it because i didnt want to feel like i was doing the extreme when there are good things about the relatiomship too. She spent alot of money on me at Christmas. So it's just a matter of not wanting to feel like you're giving up on someone who's been in your life because of a couple of issues.

 

So when do you decide enough is enough? Do you know it the first sign

 

 

These are not small issues though. I don't think you grasp the reality of her lack of real world experience.

 

She spent money on you at Christmas? Big whoop. She is 31 and living with her parents. Don't they deserve some freedom too?

 

Someone her age who has never had to face hardship or the reality of living alone is not a good choice in life partner. Do you want to be responsible for doing all the bills, yard work, cooking, cleaning, errands, and monitoring her spending?

 

Do you want children? Think of how skewed her reality is. All her money goes to her wants. She has no needs, that's covered by you and her parents. She is basically saying she won't move out until marriage. Should you ever divorce, she would be granted alimony I'm sure too. These are all things you have to consider.

 

Sure she may be hot and take care of herself. What happens when money is allocated to home expenses and she can't afford $1500 shoes? Think she will remain sweet and affectionate? Your lives together is not reality at this point. She's stuck in high school, is there where you want to be?

[Mr. Lucky]

So when do you decide enough is enough?

 

When, after 4 years together, you're still questioning every important aspect of the relationship. Trust me, were she the right girl for you, it wouldn't be this hard.

 

Since you have the same job - and she lives at home - where does all her money go? Hard to believe she spends her entire check on shoes and purses...

 

Mr. Lucky