Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[hestheone66]

Her last effort was not a genuine one...it was a ride to manipulate you, for her to have power..don't give it to her and block her again. You deserve so much better treatment

[LivingWaterPlease]

djoner, I know this is the first time for me to post on your thread but I've read all of it and just want to let you know how encouraging it is to have been able to view posts of others and your posts which show you are growing!

 

You have made such progress and are doing the right thing by moving on from this immature, manipulative, materialistic woman. She's almost abusive in her tactics to manipulate you it seems to me.

 

Whatever it takes to get away from her, do it! And know you did the right thing.

 

I believe MarriedMan is the one who cautioned against being involved with anyone whose core values differ from your own. I can't "like" that post enough!

 

I am so proud of you for having the strength to move on away from this relationship! I encourage you to stick with it!

[djoner]

Her last effort was not a genuine one...it was a ride to manipulate you, for her to have power..don't give it to her and block her again. You deserve so much better treatment

 

Well, i appreciate that more than you know.

 

I sometimes have to fight my mind playing tricks on me when it tells me that she did pay on our dates (we did take turns), and she would buy me little "thinking of you" gifts, and got great birthday presents and concert tickets.

 

But i also have to remember that she would throw those things in my face if I didn't do the things she wanted.

 

 

I am so proud of you for having the strength to move on away from this relationship! I encourage you to stick with it!

 

Thank you LivingWaterPlease. That means alot. Because i'm still in pain and a little miserable, I don't see it that way, but it is encouraging when someone else sees it, even if you don't see it in yourself.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, i appreciate that more than you know.

 

I sometimes have to fight my mind playing tricks on me when it tells me that she did pay on our dates (we did take turns), and she would buy me little "thinking of you" gifts, and got great birthday presents and concert tickets.

 

But i also have to remember that she would throw those things in my face if I didn't do the things she wanted.

 

 

 

Thank you LivingWaterPlease. That means alot. Because i'm still in pain and a little miserable, I don't see it that way, but it is encouraging when someone else sees it, even if you don't see it in yourself.

 

The things she did that you enjoyed are the things that kept you in the relationship but the conflict resolution issues she has and the manipulation issues, also, are huge and would make a marriage with her very difficult, much more difficult than you have experienced.

 

There's an article I read that some friends posted on Facebook called something like, "The Narcissist and The Empath." I'll see if I can link it here. OK, here it is.

 

https://dailyoccupation.com/2017/03/14/toxic-attraction-empath-narcissist/

Edited May 27, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[hestheone66]

I don't know what exactly it is called, but I know first hand that after you leave an emotional vampire (narcissist or manipulator), you realise that the trauma is very deep down.. and it is imperative that you are gentle on yourself.

 

The scars to your psyche are huge and will take time to heal.

 

You were a victim.. be kind to yourself.

 

You don't need her... she may have repeatedly tried to make you seem like the bad man.

 

The bottom line... EVEN if you were as bad as sometimes you think you are.... you are STILL better off without her..

 

The only way to get over her, is to have the self discipline to look forwards.. don't try any serious dating

 

AND whatever you do.. do not ever discuss her with any dating prospects...

if they say, 'why did you break up with your last girlfriend?" you only need to answer, "It just didn't work out and it's for the best."

 

keep posting when you're needing support, you know we're here for you.

[doyathinkso]

Could the phrase "glutton for punishment" persuade you to do some introspection?

[kendahke]

Anybody had those conflicting thoughts that have you torn between not wanting to totally erase them out of your life/leaving it open to possibly try again or just be done altogether after an ex contacts you?

 

She's not a bad person and we got along most of the time. It's just hard when we don't agree on certain things.

 

You two are incompatible and no amount of trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to ignore this very important fact will work.

 

She's very good at manipulation whether you insist upon trying to cast her as the good person or not. Everything that you said here is bare faced manipulation.

[kendahke]

I had to come back on here this morning because I unblocked her last night and was seriously thinking of reaching out to her. I know I shouldn't feel this way but by blocking her, I feel Ive ultimately cut the cord and she's going to be forever gone. And the last memory I'm going to have is that she did give it effort and I've shut her out.

 

Anyway, I went on a date last night and I'm thinking that the things she was talking were not that different from what ive heard my ex say.

 

You need to go block her again and quit ignoring the fact that she and you will never work out to your highest good.

 

She should be gone forever. She needs to move on and find someone else who has a stiffer spine than you do. And you will be surprised at how quickly she will find another guy and most likely be able to manipulate him into marriage in order to fling it in your face. You will see how vile a manipulator she actually is and how fortunate you were to not get ensnared in her trap.

 

And she didn't give any effort: she put her manipulation game into overdrive because she can't control you anymore. Let me ask you: how's her domestic clean up game going? She still living like a pig? Living beyond her means? She still buying Vuittons and Louboutins?

 

As to not being able to stop comparing new women to her: it may be too soon for you to be finding a new girlfriend.

[djoner]

You need to go block her again and quit ignoring the fact that she and you will never work out to your highest good.

 

She should be gone forever. She needs to move on and find someone else who has a stiffer spine than you do.

 

What do you mean by stiffer spine? What's that implying?

[djoner]

You need to go block her again and quit ignoring the fact that she and you will never work out to your highest good.

 

She should be gone forever. She needs to move on and find someone else who has a stiffer spine than you do. And you will be surprised at how quickly she will find another guy and most likely be able to manipulate him into marriage in order to fling it in your face. You will see how vile a manipulator she actually is and how fortunate you were to not get ensnared in her trap.

 

And she didn't give any effort: she put her manipulation game into overdrive because she can't control you anymore. Let me ask you: how's her domestic clean up game going? She still living like a pig? Living beyond her means? She still buying Vuittons and Louboutins?

 

As to not being able to stop comparing new women to her: it may be too soon for you to be finding a new girlfriend.

 

She probably hasn't changed. I haven't seen her in 2 months.

 

As for my previous comment, I guess what made me ask that is because on one token, you basically were implying that she needs to find a guy with a stronger backbone but then you say she will manipulate him into marriage???

 

A little confused.

[SummerDreams]

I've spent the last two hours reading this thread and I have some thoughts. I can somewhat sympathise with your ex. I used to be a spoiled woman who lived with her mom when I met my now BF, I was 29. I used to get angry a lot, get into arguments with everyone, mostly my mom and I surely gave a hard time to my BF who is a person who hates every form of conflict. After a couple of years and seeing that situation couldn't go on any longer, I went into therapy which helped me understand the reasons I was so angry and ways to be calmer and to be able to have a calm and productive conversation. Long story short I am now almost 36 and I have changed A LOT since then. I do think that your ex has her reasons to be superficial at times, materialistic, manipulative and all the things you have mentioned she is. I do strongly believe her mom is the cause for her being like this. It seems her mom never wanted to say no to her little girl and she made her loving things rather than people. I think also that your ex will be extremely helped getting into therapy. All these things that you don't like will torture her in her life and she should address these issues. I find it a positive she will finally move out of her house and live alone.

 

Now regarding the marriage issue, I understand her. Our society has made women feel "obligated" to get married when they are close to 30. I always find it a weird thing that parents want to raise strong, independent women but when their little girls get close to 30 years old they start nagging them to find a good guy to marry. I mean, is it not normal women are confused with what they should do? But anyway, this is another matter for another time. I do understand her. Men can't realize the pressure women are under by their parents, family in general, friends, working environment and so on to "settle down". Your ex can't see her flaws because she has always been like this so it surprises her that someone who says he loves her cannot understand that this is how she has always been. When I used to be really angry and spoiled I couldn't understand why my BF would have a problem with that. Did he not meet me with me being like that? Why did it bother him then? She can't see her flaws and it seems you never were able to address them to her in a way she could really understand and see them. Maybe you didn't want to hurt her. In her eyes she has done nothing wrong. In her eyes she is the good gal and you are the bad guy who never loved her and played with her never having the intention to marry her. Therapy will help her realise these negatives she has. I don't know whether you could contact her mom and convince her her daughter should get into therapy.

 

I don't blame her for playing these games. This is the only way she knows how to act. It seems she never had to sit down and really talk with someone and solve their problems. Many people are unable to do that. I'm lucky I have it very easy and it's the reason my relationship with my BF managed to survive.

 

I'm not telling you to go back with her, at least not until she decides to do something with herself. But I'm not gonna tell you, oh poor you, you are the victim here yada yada, as well. You made mistakes too the way I see it. You chose to keep the good moments you were having and dismiss the real problems without discussing them until they became huge problems and they could not be solved anymore. You were not open with what you wanted and not wanted. You let yourself knowingly being manipulated by her time and time again. You let guilt become a part of your every day life. Now that you are in therapy I'm sure you are seeing these things yourself.

 

What you should do from now on? Continue therapy, get to know yourself, learn how to have boundaries, learn what you want from your life and THEN start looking for another woman. Learn to demand what you want and not let yourself being manipulated. As for your ex? I'm sure she'll find her way. You are not responsible for her. Now the best and last thing you could do for her is convince her to start therapy. I wish you all the best. (sorry for my english, not my mother language).

[djoner]

I do enough self blame and guilt for a whole team of people, so your post doesn't really make sense when you talk about "poor me."

 

I'm not trying to say I didn't have my issues, but I've been going in these same cycles for the past 3-4 yrs. Everytime we argue, it's either leaving or threatening breakups from her end. NOT a good sign for a prospective matriage partner especially if you only see eachother

on weekends.

 

I did not let problems fester, i was the main one trying to talk through them with her when she got upset. It got to the point where I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.

 

Sorry, I'm not going to let you throw that one on me.

 

And kendahke, still waiting for an answer.

Edited May 30, 2017 by djoner

[SummerDreams]

Shame that you didn't spend the time I spent to at least read my post more carefully.

[djoner]

Shame that you didn't spend the time I spent to at least read my post more carefully.

 

I just re-read your post and I admit i was on the go and probably misinterpreted some of it. After reading again, i see you had a neutral perspective on it. My mistake.

 

I misinterpreted thinking that you were saying I didn't address the issues with her, but I did countless times. But re-reading your post, you were saying that I didn't address them in ways she could understand.

[Whodatdog]

Im not kendahke, but I took that post as meaning she should find someone who doesnt take her garbage like you did for so long. Someone who doesnt go after her when she pouts and runs off when she doesnt get her own way.

 

Has it really been 2 months since you last saw her?

[djoner]

Im not kendahke, but I took that post as meaning she should find someone who doesnt take her garbage like you did for so long. Someone who doesnt go after her when she pouts and runs off when she doesnt get her own way.

 

Has it really been 2 months since you last saw her?

 

Yes it has. She's tried meeting up with me a few times and saying she wanted to talk, but I've been avoiding it. Knowing her, she'd probably wear something she knows I like to lure me back in.

[djoner]

She sent me a selfie of her on late Sunday night/early Monday over the memorial day weekend. I guess she had been out with some friends in the ladies room, dressed to the nines. Cleavage, heels, curves, etc. She said, " u say I never wear the shoes you buy me and I got to say they're comfy".

 

I knew this was coming. So now she's not playing fair. She's using her looks. Funny how I haven't really heard from her since. I guess she may have caught a fish that night. I know I shouldn't give a damn but this crap sucks. I still dont wanna know about or think about it. I still can't believe I haven't seen her in 2 months.

Edited May 31, 2017 by djoner

[Whodatdog]

She's a bitch.

 

If you had blocked her, you never would have seen that.

[BettyDraper]

She sent me a selfie of her on late Sunday night/early Monday over the memorial day weekend. I guess she had been out with some friends in the ladies room, dressed to the nines. Cleavage, heels, curves, etc. She said, " u say I never wear the shoes you buy me and I got to say they're comfy".

 

I knew this was coming. So now she's not playing fair. She's using her looks. Funny how I haven't really heard from her since. I guess she may have caught a fish that night. I know I shouldn't give a damn but this crap sucks. I still dont wanna know about or think about it. I still can't believe I haven't seen her in 2 months.

 

Block her. She will try to get you back at any cost.

[djoner]

I'm not sure what to think. it's like I'm torn between 2 different places because I still care about her.

 

When i block her, I feel bad for blocking her and shutting her out, but if I see her pic or hear from her asking for us to try again, it's like I start feeling confused and set back

 

Either way, I'm still feeling pain and it's drives me crazy.

 

I went on a few dates and I know I'm wrong, but I started comparing them with my ex. They were very nice and interesting. Like anyone, They each seemed like they had their own set of issues, and they weren't as physically attractive as my ex.

 

I know that's shallow to even mention looks so forgive me and try not to judge me too harsh, but it is a thought that crossed my mind that kind of makes you second guess the decision to go try to cut her off, and no matter who I'm with, I'm going to have to deal with some ISH either way.

 

But I'm still trying to get my head right. My ex Trying to get me back at any cost could mean to me, throwing sex with another man in my face or anything, and I'm not prepared to deal with that. She's still friends with my family members in fb

 

Forgive my little ramble but LS is kind of like therapy for me, and my therapist cancelled our appointment until next week.

Edited May 31, 2017 by djoner

[hestheone66]

But a person's manipulative and controlling nature will persist.

 

I'm very proud that you are able to reflect with regards to her tactics.

 

Ask yourself why you panic if an attractive woman passes on you..

 

Is your self worth tied to the appearance of the woman you're with?

Do you use this to gain respect or admiration from males whose status affects yours??

 

If the answer is yes, then you need to understand that you, and your endeavors are much more significant than the 'rating' of women you date.

 

I know other men who have lost many things, including assets, but more importantly dignity, because if this tendency.

You are correct when you say you need time away to get your head straight...away from all types of dating tbh..

[djoner]

You are correct when you say you need time away to get your head straight...away from all types of dating tbh..

 

Thank you for all your words.

 

So no dating at all huh?

 

I thought that was a way to kind of distract from thinking about her.

 

I've really struggled with intense feelings of lonliness since this break up. It seems all the buddies I had are less available now. They all have women or boo thangs now compared with how they were calling me every weekend when I was with my ex.

 

It's getting to the point that I sort of dread coming home at night because Its a constant reminder of how I got a new home and how empty and lonely it is. That's a tough thing to cope with knowing that my ex wanted us to get a house together. It's just at the time, I didn't feel right making that kind of investment with her, especially seeing her materialism and lack of experience of being on her own.

 

Now seeing my life now, Im feeling the void she left and somewhat have been doing a little 2nd guessing.

[hestheone66]

Ok.

Try some online dating where you just get to know people without need for physical proximity. It will occupy your time.

 

I understand loneliness, but I hope you're not too proud to reach out to your friends. I hope you're not assuming that they will reject your overtures to do things with you.

 

Eg, if you like watching sport on TV, organise a BBQ around this..guys like hanging together..

 

Read lots of positive affirmations there are many such sites on Facebook..keep posting here and in the posts of others'.

 

Exercise, Netflix, cooking...

[Whodatdog]

Read the first post in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/625655-been-away-while-good-reason

[djoner]

Read the first post in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/625655-been-away-while-good-reason

 

Thanks Whodatdog.

 

Reading his story was pretty inspiring and encouraging. It reminded me that there's still hope. It reminded me of what my therapist told me that these feelings are temporary and i just have to ride it out I'm order for it to get better.

 

It's easy to let yourself get stuck in a rut, especially when you start forgetting the reasons you broke up in the first place. You start thinking, "we'll it wasn't the worat relationship to have been in. It's not like I caught her in bed with another man!"

 

Mind can play tricks but that story wad inspiring